To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

[Dippidydoppidydoo]

My DH has coeliac disease - diagnosed about five years ago. He's also T1 diabetic. It seems that virtually every time we eat with his family the food is contaminated in some way and it makes him ill. Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free. Then last night as usual he's up all night being ill. His blood sugars are all over the place (having a coeliac attack makes them impossible to control). Last time we went round there his mum served him beef cooked in beer and then when he realised suggested that it may have been 'cooked off' in the process. A few weeks ago they took us for lunch ('their treat') to a place that had some gluten free options but was essentially a pie shop with a very gluten heavy kitchen. Surprise surprise - he's ill again.

We have small children and I'm having surgery this week. I now have to rely on him to do all the parenting while he's ill because his family seemingly can't get it together enough to make a single gluten free meal.

I get that it's hard. I get that it's difficult to make sure there's no contamination but AIBU to think that you don't cook for someone unless you're confident you can accommodate their dietary needs?

Any tips from any coeliacs about how to deal with this welcome!!

DAunt used to be very ill (projectile vomiting) after eating gluten. We always made everything gluten free (it's not hard if you read the ingredients) for Xmas/Easter and just not tell everyone else and no-one batted an eyelid.
DBiLs family invited her round knowing about her condition and god knows what they fed her but she ruined their new cream hallway carpet and then spent the next 24hrs in our bathroom. They learnt the hard way that she wasn't "putting it on"!

Oh and to anyone reading this who is gluten free and loves real ale, there's some excellent gf beer available now from small breweries in the Bristol area. Having asked my local tap room is trying to have at least one gf beer on each weekend!

People can have different levels of response to gluten.

My DIL was glutened at work as she used a knife that had been used to butter bread with gluten in.

She got high blood pressure, a massive headache, diarrhoea and collapsed unconscious. She was in hospital for a couple of days.

How much coeliacs respond to gluten very much depends on the person. Cross contamination is much more of an issue for some people than others.

Sorry op but the responsibility is on your husband to have the final say in what he eats. They are obviously uneducated and won't think to check ingredients of beer, etc. if he knew the pie shop was full of gluten, he could have said no the risk of cross contamination is too high.
I'd refuse to eat with the in laws or take own food.

I wouldn’t eat there again or any restaurants of their choosing! As a type1 diabetic too he needs to be taking charge of his diet. Sadly men are not the best at this.

I’ve got allergies that most of my family just doesn’t get. We were over at a big party the other day and I didn’t eat. I had a bottled water. I got multiple comments about not eating. I just didn’t feel like risking it that day. I didn’t want my day and subsequent week ruined.

after a decent appearance at the party, we went to a restaurant where I could have an excellent, safe, meal.

I can empathise.
One of my DC has multiple food allergies, some immediate IgE mediated reactions and some delayed non IgE. He can actually tolerate small amounts of his non IgE allergens if they're cooked or processed but to avoid confusion I just say that outside of home he can't have anything containing any of his allergens. But my DH's extended family, especially my PILs seem to be completely unable, unwilling or both, to follow the rules. Once we were there and she'd made lasagne. She'd used non dairy milk for the white sauce so all good there but I queried the pasta as obviously lasagne sheets are often egg containing, but she denied it. We were still suspicious so DH went into the kitchen, opened the bin and pulled out the empty packet of fresh egg pasta!
After that I started taking my own food for DS when we visited. She was very offended. Tough luck. Safety comes before other people's feelings.

It's like asking to be punched in the face and being surprised when you're punched in the face really.

He needs to tell his family not to cook for him and he'll bring his own. If they're well meaning but clueless being blunt is probably the only way to go.

As a coeliac, he needs to take responsibility for himself and ask what went into the recipe. Does he just turn up and blindly eat dinner without even asking what's in it? Did the taste of beer not give it away?

Blind trust is not very sensible in this scenario. Because (as he found out) people forget/don't bother to check. It's not as important to them as it is to you, so it slips their mind.

The fact is, it's him that needs to take the most responsibility here, and he isn't doing so.

It’s hard accepting that your family just doesn’t care. It’s not benign that they won’t cater for allergies and intolerances. It’s a clear signal about the relationship. It feels like someone saying we don’t love you.

it’s one thing to admit that they know they can’t do it adequately. Given that my kitchen is set up for my own allergies, I would be hard-pressed to make it truly safe for someone with a different set of allergies. I lean heavily on some highly allergenic foods since I have to avoid others. In that situation, I would talk to the person and we would come up with a solution. The important thing is I would make sure they were fed and cared for.

And? He is obviously in the "gets very sick category, but doesn't end up in a coma.

Does that make it okay for him to not bother checking what he is being fed?

Or does that make it okay for his family not to bother checking a recipe with him?

I think those voters may think the OP is unreasonable because she's blaming the wrong people.

My DIL was glutened at work as she used a knife that had been used to butter bread with gluten in.

So had the knife not been washed properly?

Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free.

That sounds like an accident waiting to happen!

Don’t eat with them? I have never eaten a meal cooked by DH’s family, I don’t know why this is even a problem. If you go over for a rare party/event bring your own food.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist because the problem is of her husbands own making, he keeps eating the food

That may be true but damage will happen on the inside regardless of the outward symptoms.

Yes, why would a coeliac use a dirty knife? She glutened herself by not checking the utensils she was using.

I have a different severe allergy, and would never re-use a knife (except in my own allergen-free kitchen).

People need to take responsibility for their own health, because noone else is going to do it. And if you choose to rely on someone else, you can be guaranteed they will forget at some point, because it's not them that suffers the consequences.

Exactly. It sounds like a buffet scenario? And yet he ate.

So in the example I gave, my DIL was at work and there were scones and jam put out.

She was given a gluten free section and told the knife was clean. It obviously wasn't clean enough.

To clarify:

I'm lactose intolerant. I think the hosts should cater for people who are intolerant to either lactose or gluten. I'm relatively easy to cater for as I just need to not eat it and I can tolerate small quantities.

Even then it's hard for other people as lactose is in a lot of stuff that you wouldn't necessarily think.

My mil used to make lasagne with cheese and then just leave cheese off a section at the end. The problem was the cheese would spread.....

I would expect his family to cater for him. We make all the meals gluten free when my daughter in law comes. Nonetheless, I've been tripped up by things I wasn't aware of - soy sauce, malt vinegar etc.

I now check labels very carefully.

She only eats at coeliac certified restaurants as the ones that have done food gluten free do tend to have some cross contamination.

I've been told that water and normal cleaning (so washing up liquid) is good enough to prevent cross contamination - and on plates that seems to be the case but it's so easy for a crumb to be left on a culander or sieve or edge of a knife.

As a person making the meal, the only way to be really sure is to use essentially a completely different set of pans, knives, etc that have never been used for gluten. That's expensive and hard to do. I mostly do that now.

So the only way he can be really really sure is to take his own food. I'm now divorced and I don't see mil anymore but that's what I did.

she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free.

That a weird way of ensuring someone with a serious condition is provided with suitable food. Dis she have a dividing line down the middle?

Lots of people with coeliac disease in my family. It can be a bit of a pain when preparing family meals but manageable with a little thought

If you've had some meals with them that have been fine, I'd suggest he needs to bring their focus to those meals. Compliment the food, say it was delicious, say how great it was that it was totally GF and didn't make it ill and request they make it again some time.

If you can get them to have a small list of acceptable meals that everyone is clear are 100% OK, that may tip the odds in your favour.

Even then it's hard for other people as lactose is in a lot of stuff that you wouldn't necessarily think.

My mil used to make lasagne with cheese and then just leave cheese off a section at the end. The problem was the cheese would spread.....

You see, I don't see this as an example of it being hard to know what contains lactose for a non-allergy sufferer...

You only mention the cheese, but bechamel sauce (one of the layers of lasagne) is literally made of milk. It is basically impossible to make a lactose free lasagne with a normal recipe (unless maybe a vegan version, which is obviously not the case here).

To me, this is an example of your MIL just not bothering. She wanted lasagne, and she wasn't bothered that it was wholly unsuitable for you.

In my experience, the people who care will actually contact me and say, "I'm planning to make [recipe] - Can you eat this? Is this okay for your allergy?"

People who don't givea fuck will either just present me with food and then look askance when I ask what's in it, or they'll say "Oh, I made [recipe], but don't worry, I tried not to put any [allergen] in this corner of it". Which I inevitably have to decline.

Unfortunately the level of stupidity when it comes to food is astounding. It’s no wonder the food industry get away with so much of their ridiculous marketing. (Sorry but I’m feeling particularly misanthropic today🤣.)

I have a friend who’s so sensitive to gluten that she can’t even be near to people who’ve had toast for breakfast. She has to go on holiday for a month when the local farmer is harvesting wheat.

You’d think that if a close family member was very sensitive, you’d become quite obsessive about gluten and make sure all the food was gluten free. It’s hardly difficult is it?! Unfortunately you and DH need to toughen up and not be worried about causing offence. His health is the priority.

He did pick something gluten free, but in a pie shop, the risk of cross-contamination is high, and ultimately, the pie shop failed.