AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

mswales thank you. I feel guilty that he witnessed the abuse, angry that he thinks his dad is the bees knees, guilty that I feel angry about that. Then this to top it all off. What a mess!

It's one of the rites of passage of our children that they find us parents embarrassing at points imo. But I'd have a conversation with him (without emotion if possible) about specifics, to see if there's anything you can change that wouldn't impact you greatly. Like don't wear your Beastie Boys t shirt and VW badge when you pick me up from school is ok, but changing whole swathes of your personality is not ok.

With regard to the present buying @TheQuickCat we also tend to give books at Christmas/birthdays, but dc have a wishlist shared with us (Google Keep) of books and/or favourite authors so we can be sure we're buying what they want, not what we feel they ought to read. Dc also get book tokens from relatives and enjoy trawling around book shops picking out things to spend them on (have found books/series that they wouldn't have known about had they not been introduced by Waterstones staff for instance).

He asked me to stop buying him books! Last Christmas I got him a copy of H.G Wells War Of The Worlds.

I can absolutely see why a 12-year-old wouldn't be tremendously thrilled with a classic Victorian novel for Christmas. It's not a difficult read, but it's really not (from the point of view of the average 12-year-old) a gripping page turner. I've read it, and it's a good read for an adult interested in Victorian literature and the early development of sci-fi, but I wouldn't say it has much in it that a 12-year-old will really identify with. Presumably he'd want to be choosing his own books and reading the sorts of things that his friends read, which is more likely to be stuff like The Hunger Games, the Alex Rider books etc. My friend's 13-year-old boy loves Terry Pratchett.

Comedycook 😂

CoffeeLover90 thank you.

Oh this made me laugh. My mum was excruciating embarrassing. I think it was her breathing and how she blinked too.

I need to defend the book choice - he likes WOTW. He's seen and likes some of the film adoptions, there's also a TV series that he's seen bits of. I thought the book might be a good present.

I hear what a lot of you have said about buying books as gift though. I do ask about other gift and have given some very well received ones. I'll stop with the books though.

OP don’t stop with the books. Get him a book token and show him you respect his wish to choose his own reading material. Reading needs to be encouraged as too many young people are giving it up. Or get him a Kindle when they’re on special with an audible sub if you can afford it.
One needs to be a super confident person with few insecurities to Sally forth to secondary school events etc without worrying about one’s child’s reaction. Like most mothers I have had hurt feelings but we survive and our children pass through this and develop into more empathetic adults.
Hold your head high, you are a survivor and a good parent.

Enofthelinefinally This is what I'm afraid of, the influence his dad has on him. The crime was recorded when the police were involved. He was even arrested but because I didn't press charges nothing came of it.

I'm sorry you are going through this - but it is just a teen phase worse with boys I think. My son would refuse to be seen with me - if we had an appt he would go on ahead 5mins before I left. We used to joke about it.
I remember being 12 and my mum once got out of the car at school pick up time. She was about 33 and lovely and slender and very beautiful - I remember being mortified she was not fat and frumpy like the other mums...screamed at her to get back in the car and she was banned from getting out of the car again.

My mom strongly encouraged me to read "An American Tragedy" at about 13. It was a terrible read and I didn't even get halfway

Yes and then get called ‘cringe’ even more for telling her it’s ‘cringeworthy’ 🤣

I don't think it hurts to let your teenagers either know you're upset or that they've hurt you.

You need to be aware of his developing tastes and preferences and discuss purchases though

But if he's genuinely rude about any of it, then he needs pulling up

This is horrifying. He should be in prison.

Since you're on page 8 I assume you've at least read the OP's posts. If you haven't I suggest you do so.

I saw some parents on social media who turned this round on their child. Asked him to duck down when driving past someone they knew, told him to stay in the car at the supermarket in case they bumped into someone they knew, generally made a big deal out of not wanting to be seen with him. Only for one day, then at the end of the day, explained what they'd been doing and asked him how he felt about it.

I know it's a normal thing but it's also not an OK thing to let slide imo. Kids put parents through enough embarrassing moments themselves!

He witnessed the last incident of abuse (where I got the brain damage) but thinks his dad is great. I won't confront this out of fear I'll push him away.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I am so sorry your son saw it.

Has your son had any trauma therapy? The memories may have been blocked out by him as a coping mechanism ....which would be entirely understandable.

I'm sorry to hear about the brain damage. I think teens have different apparatus in terms of how their brains deal with things, so he may be feeling huge confusion about his dad. I'm sure when he grows up that he will be enormously grateful to you and recognise what you've been through.

Re the embarrassment - completely normal I'm afraid, insulting though it is.

My sons fell over when I could sing the Queen lyrics. This was in the 90s. Fgs they were seventies. Same with Black Sabbath.

I never bought them books I thought they should read but books they suggested.

I trudged around clothing shops with them letting them choose what they wanted.

It was very sweet to discover how boys were so sensitive to fashion trends. I'd assumed it was only girls.

Otherwise I was told what computer game they just had to have and obeyed

Thanks Longdarkcloud, disappointing2, Kate8889, Moglet4, Nanny0gg, CustardySergeant, NotbloodyGivingupYet, MrsSunshine2b, ArmidilloToes and DuckEggy

I'm so sorry for what you went through with your ex.

If your son was referring to your disability then that is wrong of him. It is likely he is referring to the fact that you are his parent which automatically makes you cringe to a teenager.

I remember being embarrassed of my mum dropping me off to a club when I was about 12. I called her embarrassing and when I got home my dad pointed out that it wasn't very kind to do that and she was only trying to be nice. I apologised, we had a hug. I don't think showing you are upset is manipulative. It's important for teenagers to understand their parents are human beings who have emotions.

The police can and should prosecute this man for assault causing grievous bodily harm whether the victim wants to "press charges" or not. They probably still can. If I were the OP I'd approach the police about this.

Precisely this. My youngest (now 16yo) has never been embarrassed by me. He's pretty much the only teenager I ever met who suffers from zero angst. The rest are normal.

YANBU to be upset and tbh it doesn't have to be the norm that teenagers are embarrassed by their parents. It's not unusual maybe but he still needs to act with respect and kindness to everyone - including and especially his mother, and I'd have sharp words with him about empathy and kindness.

Or get a solicitor to do so.

When my children became teenagers I decided to never again buy surprise gifts and basically ask them what they would like within a certain budget. It worked & there were no disappointing reactions. They would usually pick a few things then left me & DH to decide what to buy so there was still an element of surprise.