AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

*remember

He's a teenager. He's meant to findyour behaviour embarrassing. It's part of his move away from the family nest and into adulthood.

I don't think I've ever heard it quite this well put! I'll be taking this one with me!

Teenagers are always embarrassed by their parents, let it go, he didn't mean it personally I'm sure.

Op, first of all massive hugs. I guess you try so hard to do right by him, provide him with everything he needs and be the best parent you can be and then he calls you embarrassing for something that I can only assume is trivial. Especially if you are feeling insecure or raw that must have hurt. Young kids think you are amazing. Teenagers think you are full of shit and hopefully at some point they will turn around again and be able to appreciate the things you do well and to accept the times you messed up or still do.

My kids are still small but I know the day will come when they will find me embarrassing and honestly, there is a lot to be embarassed about. Right now they find me hilarious but soon they will find my goofy, slap stick and sometimes frankly odd or awkward behaviour cringe worthy and I'm not sure if I can change. A couple of years ago dd said she found IT embarrassing how I run next to her when we are late for school. Soon we will graduate from IT to YOU.

Like people have said it's a rite of passage. Teenagers or pre teens developmentally have to differentiate themselves from their parents and find a new place in society. This means in practice that everything we parents do is crap and everything their peers do is cool. It also means rhey are hypersensitive about anything that might make them less than super cool in the eyes of their peers. It's perfectly normal.

People have called you manipulative. I don't think you are. You were hurt and showed your emotions. That's fine. I think it's good for teens to learn that their words can cause hurt and thst parents are just humans. At the same time you want your teen to be able to tell you anything and everything even if it is about you..the ability to speak to you without worrying too much about the repercussions of speaking up will keep him safe. I didn't confide in my parents as much as I now wish I had because I was always worried about upsetting or stressing them. They were great parents. Very loving and dedicated but I always worried about their emotional state and I made some very bad decisions rather than speak to them openly and trust they would be able to handle it. So I don't think you should expect your teen to mince his words with you. Yes you don't want him to be hurtful or rude but at the same time you also don't want him to think that you are fragile or need protecting.

I'd speak to him again. Tell him you were upset because his words hurt you but also reiterate again that even if he think his words might hurt you you will get over it and and you do want him to talk to you openly. You can also say you will not change ajd he will have to suck it up (if that's what you believe) or why you talk or behave in the way you do and also maybe that you understand that all teens findtl their parents embarrassing. Or ask him what exactly it is and if it's something easy you can try to change it but.im.sure he will soon find something else to find embarrassing.

Basically do talk to him and allow him to talk to you. And the silver lining is that he feels close enough to you to be able to confide in you. That means that you are getting the important things right!!

He said something cruel and I reacted by crying

Jeez op, your kid told you you're embarrassing and this is your (over)reaction?

Buckle up, the teenage years are gonna be horrendous!

You son has shared a healthy and normal part of his experience of you WITH YOU, and instead of being met with a willingness to listen and understand, with dialogue and compromise, you, as the adult in this situation, have gone into victim mode, overemotional and defensive, all perfect ways to ensure he never approaches you again. You need to do some work on yourself to be able to ride the next few years successfully.

I agree with this.

What most 12-year-olds fail to understand is that actually they are the ones who are embarrassing.

I have to say I agree. My 13 year old DD often tells me I'm embarrassing. She even questions my clothes and asks how on earth I can go out dressed like that (I wear perfectly normal clothes!). Sometimes if I meet new friends of hers she says "Mum, please be normal. Don't embarrass me."
I've never thought to be offended by this. My reaction? I just laugh! I say something like "But it's a parent's job to embarrass their teenager!".
I find your behaviour of crying in front of him to be less than ideal. Ok, we can't help how we feel and sometimes crying is in voluntary but if I felt myself welling up I would have made sure he didn't see.
You need to brace yourself for the next few years. A lot worse will happen than some normal teenage embarrassment.

Unfortunately DotDashDot24 he received no punishment as I didn't press charges. It was right at the start of the covid pandemic so a lot of police matters were quickly passed aside as there was a much bigger problem to deal with.

As PP’s have said, many teenagers find their parents embarrassing, DS (15) finds me embarrassing. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you though, just that they’re a teenager and you’re a parental unit. 😂

Teenagers actually lack empathy, its a thing they loose and regain - research it and you'll find this is a thing. It may help you not take personally how your dc is behaving.

They are the next generation and need to shun the generations that have gone before them, thus them finding the previously generations embarrassing and old fashion.

Books are very personal and I find it difficult to receive books from others, as I possibly will not read them as not my thing. It's far better to get him to set up a wish list and get presents that he actually wants, either digitally or written on paper. Get him to put a range of smaller items and larger items you can pick from with brands if that is important to him. Explain you'll pick things from the list maybe three things and that he will not be getting the entire list. Also it stops wasting money.

CluelessInBognor Thanks for your post. I'll do as you suggested.

I have to say I'm surprised by the posts saying I'm manipulative or need to get over it. Reading them has made me realise I'm not manipulative that this was a normal, albeit upsetting, conversation.

@TheQuickCat - Oh lovey, he's 12. That's what happens with many many 12 year olds and you are probably letting this upset you more than it should because of your experience with his Dad and because of your Brain injury affecting your speech, which you are no doubt embarrassed about yourself.

It's a part of them growing up, I'm so sorry. A good few years when parents are not cool and are just embarrassing - doesn't matter what we do or who we are. My daughter was the worst of my two. Used to give me daggers looks when I did something absolutely normal but she didn't think I ought to be and would hiss at me to stop doing whatever it was!!

It's really, really hard, but he'll grow out of it again in a few years. In the meantime try not to let it upset you. Just know it's him and his age and not you. He couldn't come up with any specific reason either when you asked, so that kind of backs up what I am saying!!

👆I could have typed this word for word

It is a very typically tween / teen behaviour. That's not to say it's not really hurtful. Especially when they have visibly upset you and they don't properly apologise, but they haven't always developed the emotional intelligence yet to know how to handle it.

Try and remember it is more about the social pressure of their age than about what they really think or feel about you. This definitely started happening around Year 6/7 and I realised my son didn't want to be 'seen' walking in town with me. I did get it though as I remember going to the shops with my mum to do the food shop when I was about the same age and dreading being 'seen' by someone from school pulling our shopping trolley home, which let's face it was pretty uncool😆

I also gently reminded my son, that all the 'cool' people at school also live with parents. I acknowledged his feelings too & I told him I remember what it was like & I think that helped create a bit of an understnding between us about it - becoming a teenager is hard, they want to be seen as independent but of course they still need help along the way.

💐@TheQuickCat mum's don't always get the appreciation we deserve

OP. I think you should report the violence. You have been left with significant disability caused by a serious assault. The pandemic saw a huge increase in domestic violence and this has to be recognised and recorded.
I am so sorry your Ex got away with it and I would be very concerned about the influence he is allowed to have on your son.

@LadyVorkosigan you've just conjured up a picture of Grotbags doing the school run, thanks for cheering up my Monday 😃

All pre-teens think their parents are embarrassing. I think it is just a normal stage they go through. But it sounds like maybe something specific happened that made him feel embarrassed. Would be worth finding out what that was. I think it is important to keep lines of communication open. You don't want him to avoid sharing things with you because he is worried you might get upset x

OP I'm so sorry you've got harsh comments. You were clearly in a horrifically abusive relationship and your son's comments have triggered your deep trauma resulting from that. That's not your fault, and it's not your son's fault either.

It's ok and normal for him to think you're embarrassing, and it's ok for you to tell him what he said was hurtful. Be careful not to make him feel responsible for your feelings though. In order to feel safe and stable, kids need to know that their parents are a steady rock who can cope with their (the kids') big feelings and bad behaviour and help them through it. If you (very understandably) don't feel capable of being that steady rock or dealing with difficult feelings and behaviour, especially if it's triggering for you, then you would really benefit from some good therapy. Looking after yourself, learning to love yourself, would be the greatest thing you could do for your son and your relationship with him. Lots of love and good luck x

MrRydersParlourGame thank you for your post.

Normally I'd not take anything he says as personal but in this instance I did. He didn't say it was even about my disability, I assumed it was.

I don't want him to think saying cruel things is OK and that a person's reaction to them is bad. But I do think I over reacted.

LadyVorkosigan & Euromonkey 😂

I can't tell you how much this made me laugh 😂

The teen years are such a massive adjustment, my DS is 14 and some mornings it feels like I’m meeting a stranger in my kitchen and have to get to know him from scratch again.

I wouldn’t worry at all about crying in front of him, I think it helps kids to mature when they can see you’re a real person with feelings, and it helps them to have an authentic relationship with you and with their own feelings when they get to see that not all feelings are fun but they’re all ok and they’re not something to be ashamed of. My DS has definitely made me cry before by saying or doing something hurtful, can’t remember what, but the apology and repair conversations afterwards can be really important.

I also get that you’re sensitive about it too, I am also slightly disabled - I walk a bit funny - but I decided fuck it and now sometimes enjoy my new superpower of creating instant embarrassment by saying or doing something silly. I’m sorry for what his dad did to you, one day your DS and you will both see how incredibly strong you are.

In any other circumstances I'd say getting upset over this is silly. Many of us have said it to our parents, my 4 year old has said it to me.
But this is different. You've been through something traumatic. I bet the years before the brain damage weren't great either. Emotional abuse takes years to recover from. I used to think I'd rather be beaten than go through all this. You're worrying about getting in the way of people, like you're a burden. You're not.
Maybe consider counselling to help you specifically to help with the way the world sees you. Because all the bad things you think of yourself are not true.
DS will go through the usual thinking your cringe, denying a cuddle but he'll come running when he needs something!