AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

[TheQuickCat]

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

I found this so upsetting I spoke to him about it privately today. I said I found what he said really hurtful and that he shouldn't ever say that to anyone. I asked him how he would feel if someone said that to him. He said he'd hear them out! I said no, you'd be upset. I'm ashamed to say I got tearful, I left the room and cried. DS didn't say anything else to me about it.

DS dad and I aren't together. He was very abusive and liked treating me as emotional and stupid if I ever got upset. This is really bothering me. I know all teenagers find their parents embarrassing but to tell them? Is this normal or AIBU?

Please be kind, I've been crying about this all day!

Sablecat no I don't hold his hand or fuss over him. I pretty much leave him to his own devices and let him come to me.

To answer other questions - DS was eight when he witnessed the last incident of abuse. Yes him seeing his dad is court mandated. Yes I find it galling that he still thinks his father is great but I won't say or do anything as he doesn't deserve my anger.

Seriously you should see how many fb reels there are in that vein, I think we all get it in the neck from teens. My singing and dancing is "embarrassing" and everything else, like saying "dinner is ready" is "so annoying" (13 and 15) 13 Yr old also has this specific noise he does like "URRRRRRRRRR" in his newly low pitched broken voice. I just mimic isn't back to him louder then he does it louder, on and on until he laughs cos he realises how ridiculous it is 😂

I get more conversation out of the cats and dog than I do them sometimes! Try not to take it to heart, as hard as it can be cos when you're having a bad day it can hit differently.

With your disability, don't feel bad if you have to go a little slower, or things take a little longer, if people have a problem with it that's on them, not you. You sound like you're doing a great job with your son and his behaviour isn't extreme or bad - you say in general he's a lovely boy, it's just typical for his age x

He’s not old enough yet to separate the damage that his father did to you and the general narrative that he’s grown up with, which is that dads are a parent and therefore great.

I would imagine it will come with time as he gets older and understands more.

You are understandably very sensitive around various areas and you sound like a wonderfully engaged mum who is just trying her best.

Given what you’ve been through, you probably feel very protective of your son and then when he rejects you like this, it’s painful because the thing you love most, it’s suddenly saying back off.

But it’s normal and he will come back to you in the future. They just have to go through this teenage oaf-like phase.

When children are young, we are their peer group and give them their identity. As they grow older, they grow away from their parents, and their peer group forms their identity insread. This is what’s starting to happen and it’s very normal.

your book choice sounds wonderful and I would keep buying him these kind of books along with some others of his choice! Can’t let him go to ruin completely 😆

I hope you’re okay, it’s really hard being a parent at times.

I think the comment your son made has made you think about your abusive partner so you reacted accordingly and got more upset than you otherwise would have done.

It was a comment made by a pre-teen, as a throw away type comment, it shouldn't upset you this much.

Just tell him next time that he's being rude or ignore it or play him at his own game and say something like 'but what about me, having to be seen out with you?' It's sooooo embarassing for me!' ....or something like that.

I don't think you have awful taste in presents by the way.

It's a faze, it will pass.

He witnessed the last incident of abuse (where I got the brain damage) but thinks his dad is great.

So your h caused your brain injury, yet your dd still has to see him? I'm so sorry. Did you take your ex to court?

This sounds so confusing for your ds. He will realise that he comes from both of you. He doesn't want to see his dad as bad, as that would mean he was half bad too... I wonder if that's it?

I’m a constant embarrassment to my 16yo DS apparently . I talk to loudly, is his main complaint. So I whisper and that isn’t good enough either! You can’t win op.

OP, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and your on-going difficulties from being attacked. There are wonderful therapists out there who can help you deal with what is a very tricky situation. Women's Aid could be a good first call.

I hope you find support for yourself to deal with the trauma and how to parent in a tricky situation, and potentially support for you DS too. We don't talk enough about the effect DV has on children.

I think it’s worth being careful what you give too much power to, especially with teenagers, as it’s likely to get thrown at you again further down the line.

My mother always bought me classics which I never read.

If it helps (probably not) I've ended up buying them myself much later down the line.

He'll come back to you eventually.

Yes it is normal for teenagers. But if he did mean the OPs disability, then that's just horribly cruel, and 'being a teenager' doesn't make it OK. The fact he wouldn't say what meant, makes me think it may have been related to this (sorry) but the fact that he couldn't or wouldn't give any specific examples means he knows it was an awful thing to say.

I think I'd have just cheerfully said something along the lines of 'well if there's anything specific you want me to change infront of your friends just let me know', which puts the emphasis on him to actually say something reasonable (like that he'd rather walk somewhere by himself)

Please see below.

Its my understanding that when your teen child calls you embarassing, then the classic response is to say "Then my job here is done"

I am a frantic book lover but really do not like to be bought books as they are really seldom the one that I am craving at the time.

neither of which means that he is allowed to be rude to you but from what you have said it sounds a bit 50 50 here. Does any of your brain injury affect your emotional responses?

Me too. My children are now really hard to embarrass, which is a useful life skill!!

Oh OP, I've just read your other posts. I'm so sorry you went through that.

It's ok you cried in response to what your son said. Our children need to recognise eventually that mothers are not bullet proof.

But what he said is honestly very normal for a child his age. I doubt he meant to really hurt you (although no one knows where to stick the dagger quite like an adolescent).

As a teenager I remember going through a phase of being embarrassed by my parents, but I actually didn't know why. I'd just ignore him. If he says it again, tell him you're glad he's brought it up, because you're finding him a bit embarrassing too! He'll soon stop saying it.

Lots of great responses, OP, but just to add -
You sound very over-entangled with your son, which is understandable in the circumstances, but not good for either of you long-term.

This is not a reciprocal relationship. It's parent-child. He might be the centre of your world, but you are not the centre of his; being alive is, and he is growing up and away.

It's also not an adult-adult relationship, and yet you describe feeling and behaving as if a friend or partner had hurt you, not your kid. It's not his job to meet your emotional needs.

Unpack in counselling if you can, and try to gather an adult support network around you.

Wtaf is happening in the courts of the UK that a child has to see his father, who was so severely abusive to their mother that he caused her a brain injury.

And what punishment did your ex get for causing you a brain injury, in what sounds like a long line of assaults?

I wouldn't be surprised, if along side typical teenage assholery, that some of his attitude is influenced by his father.

Men like him often continue abusing their ex in different ways.

So sorry you’re going through this op and your brain injury, that’s really horrific that your ds has to see the person that has put his mum through that.

I was thinking the same as @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness , that him thinking his dad is great is a safety mechanism.

I can totally understand why your ds saying these things is triggering for you.

Id just say to him sorry you got upset and maybe make a joke that you must be doing something right as parents are meant to be embarrassing when you’re 12. I have a 12 yo ds and he’d be similar but I’d just make a joke or say “oh god, I know im soooo cringe…!” In a Kevin the teenager way. It lightens the mood and he laughs and realises he’s being slightly ridiculous.

I think this is quite normal. My dd age 12 has said I am so embarrassing many times. Or Don't embarrass me in front of my friends etc. My ds does not say this yet and he is 10....but wondering if he will soon start. It could also depend on the dc. But it seems quite common to me.

Have you had family therapy for you and your child? If he remembers the attack, he has probably had to "forget"about it, or he wouldn't be able to cope with spending time with his dad who he loves, but who hurt his mum, who he loves.
Who can he talk to about those feelings, because now he is getting older he must be thinking about things differently.
He probably does feel embarrassed about how you move in public, but also feels guilty about that.
Maybe some thoughtless friends have made comments and he doesn't know how to deal with that. He needs some strategies so he knows what to say. Maybe he needs to be reminded that how you move is not your fault, but it's down to what his dad did to you that time. He might have dissociated the two things as a coping strategy, but he is old enough to confront it again now.
Does any of this ring bells? If you think it might be the case, then find someone for him to talk to. Or for you both to talk to.
It's such a lot for you both to deal with.

I recall admiring a pair of hideous leopard skin stilettos and saying to my daughter I could wear them for Parents' Evening at her school, she was appalled. It most definitely wasn't that type of school!

Stop taking it personally. It sounds like it's about you but it really isn't. It's about him and his insecurities. The teenage years are hard. Hear him out so that he knows he can tell you whatever is on his mind. It's going to get worse before it gets better.

Oof. The context of this (your brain injury at the hands of his dad) makes it really hard and sensitive, I competent understand that. However, I think that a teenager finding a parent embarrassing and being casually cruel enough to bring it up in a blunt, harsh way is pretty normal teen behaviour (albeit deplorable and absolutely to be corrected!)

You've had a lot of good advice on here but just to add my personal two cents - when I look back now on some of the things I said to my lovely mum as a teenager I feel absolutely awful. Did she drive me insane and does she sometimes still? Absolutely. Did and do I occasionally think her behaviour is off the wall, and a bit rude? Yes. But with maturity comes a more and more overwhelming appreciation of the so very, very much she did for me and how much she truly loved me, as well as an understanding of just how difficult her circumstances were (different to yours, of course) and how incredibly she handled it.

As a side note, my mum also used to sometimes get very upset which was completely understandable but quite destabilising for me as a child - ideally you need your parents to be a strong, calm boundary to test and kick against.

If you possibly can, OP, I'd recommend growing a very thick skin where your teenager is concerned on the basis that of course you, as a grown woman, do not need or seek the approval of a teenage boy who knows next to nothing about the world, no matter how much you love him! I'd you can possibly detatch yourself from what he says about you, knowing that it had far more to do with him and his childhood development than with you, then you'll be able to approach it as a parent and correct his behaviour from the point of view of a parent teaching him how to behave for his own good rather than from a place of emotion born of the fact you're worried that maybe you really are embarrassing etc.

Adult to adult, there's always room for us to look at ourselves and consider if we could indeed do some things better but I try to remember that we can do this with kindness to ourselves as a pleasant personal improvement project rather than berating ourselves for not already being perfect!

I really feel for you and hope some of this is helpful. I'm far from perfect at this myself but I try to renege to be guided by it!

12+ is a hard age. They are so intolerant and impatient. My DD is such a lovely girl but at times her attitude is appalling and I have to remind her that we are human beings. We had a chat this week about all of her actions, including what she says, having consequences. Sometimes these are unintended consequences, and that’s why we have to think before we do/say things.

It’s fine to be upset OP but try not to let it impact you so much. There will be other times when your DS says things that are insensitive. It’s fine to challenge him. I don’t accept it as being ok just because DD is a teenager. But there needs to be some acceptance from you that his world
is changing - while I have no doubt that you are still the most important person in his world, he has new situations to navigate, and all of a sudden lots of people he needs to make a good impression on.

And to be quite honest, I couldn’t care less if I embarrass my DD by just being myself when I am not doing anything awful.

As she would say to me - that’s her problem!!!

Simply having parents is embarrassing to teens because they are busily trying to convince themselves and all their friends that they are fully competent independent adults and living with their Mum breaks the illusion.

It is a universal part of breaking away from childhood and should not be taken personally!