Would you go to a friends engagement party on the day of your birthday?

[Sevensummers]

My birthday is in September and my friend just recently told our friendship group that her engagement part is on my birthday. I immediately said I won’t be able to come because it’s my birthday and I’ll be doing something nice with my boyfriend, was planning a nice weekend away, however nothing is booked yet. I said to my sister its a shame because I would’ve liked to go to that, but it’s only an engagement party, it’s not as if it’s her wedding day. My sister said why don’t I just do my birthday getaway the weekend before/after but I said no because it’s nice to do it on my actual birthday, I want my birthday to be about me, I don’t want to be celebrating someone else’s engagement when I want to be having my own celebrations for myself lol. My sister said ‘but you still can! You can literally do both’ But I just felt like it’s not the same, it’s not like your birthday falls on a Saturday every year and seeing as it does this year, I want to make the most of it. I really love birthdays, we dont have a lot of money and I never get to go away or buy myself things so we tend to make a big deal out of birthdays and make them really special for each other. And I was looking forward to doing something really good on the actual day of my birthday.

However I’m starting to feel a a bit selfish now and think I should go to my friends engagement party and just do my birthday celebrations some other time. What do you think? Would you think badly of your friend if she didn’t come to your engagement party on her birthday?

just to note, she isn’t my best friend. Our group only sees each other a couple of times a year. So it would be nice to see them all as the last time was almost a year ago. But at the same time we aren’t SUPER close

As it's not your 30th or 40th etc, and unless you has reason to think you wouldn't make this birthday then I think you're being incredibly childish.

I wouldn't go to an engagement party because I think they're self indulgent shite.
But it also wouldn't bother me to celebrate my birthday a bit before or after the actual day.

An engagement party is once (usually) and more difficult to rearrange than a weekend away that isn’t even booked yet

Why can’t you go out for a nice lunch with your boyfriend if you insist on doing something on your birthday and then weekend away the next week? If your birthday was mid week you would probably wait anyway

Wouldnt say you are selfish but would say you are being a bit petty about your reaction

Seeing as you’ve not actually booked anything yet I think you’re being a bit weird about this and I agree with your sister.

You can go away for your birthday the weekend before or after and go to the engagement party too (but if you do this, please don’t spend the entire time telling everyone it’s your birthday).

I'd not cancel plans I'd already made, but if I was free I'd go.
I could celebrate my birthday during the day, then go to the party in the evening.

But then I'm used to having to work and do all manner of things on my birthday, that's nothing to do with me or my 'special day' anyway.

Even for a big birthday I've had to celebrate on a different day anyway, so for lesser age I'd really not be too fussed,:

One big birthday I spent doing A level exams.
Another big birthday was spent at work in the midst of an OFSTED inspection.
I think every other big birthday has been spent at work and celebrated properly at the weekend with a meal with dh/dd, etc.

For just a non-birthday I really wouldn't be bothered.
Plenty of time in the rest if the day for presents, cards and a nice lunch.

It wouldn't even occur to me not to go unless I'd already actually booked something else but I've learned on here that there are adults who treat their own birthdays as Very Important

Personally I think birthdays are a big deal, definitely a biased view due to a couple of friends passing away suddenly. Imagine if you were told you wouldn't be around to celebrate your next birthday ?! I don't think your being childish or selfish wanting to celebrate your birthday over your friends engagement. It's literally the one day of the year when you can spoil yourself and 'celebrate' you! Go for it and have a fab weekend away with your boyfriend- Happy Birthday x

Yes, I'd absolutely go. I'm not one of these miseries who insists adults should never celebrate their birthdays at all, but an engagement party is clearly more important than a birthday. I'd just celebrate my birthday the next day or whatever, even if it was a "big" one. In your case, I would just book the weekend trip for the weekend after and maybe add on something nice (eg upgrade the hotel or restaurant) to “make up for it”.

The only time I wouldn't would be if it was a big birthday and there was already an event planned for it.

I think you absolutely have to go to the engagement party, purely to help yourself with your perception of yourself and birthdays...

I’d go away for my birthday, I think engagement parties are really cringy who gives a crap if someone’s engaged apart from the couple themselves

Thank you everyone! I suspected the replies would be as such. I have been feeling pretty awful for saying no the past few days, which is why I’m now contemplating it. I know I sound like bloody veruca salt when I say I want the day to be about me. I don’t fully mean it that way, it’s just because we had already planned to go away that weekend and I was feeling excited to have birthday celebrations on my actual birthday, because usually on my birthday I’m just at work or something. But now I’ve started to change my mind because I really would like to go to the party! And it’s like a few people have said, my birthday comes around every year. So I think I’m going to go

Goodness my 12 year old is having her birthday celebrations on a different day this year because of different family celebrations on the actual date and has zero issues with this. You’re going to be 33 and have nothing concrete arranged yet. Of course I’d go to the engagement party.

It does come across quite self absorbed to say "it's only an engagement party", but to make a big deal about your birthday falling on a Saturday. I'd say getting engaged is a far bigger deal than a Saturday birthday.

Your sister's right. You can literally do both. It really doesn't make a difference to celebrate your birthday a week earlier or a week later. It seems a shame to miss out on a friend's special occasion because you feel your birthday is more important.

Agree with this.

Omg are you 5 years old???

Noooo my friend isn’t like that at all. She’s not going to ban me from her wedding because I made plans for my birthday!

If you've already booked somewhere then it's fair enough to say no.

Unless it's a big birthday I don't see why you wouldn't just celebrate another day and engagement is a one off....unless she's got form.
Birthdays are just that unless your a kid it's prezzie cake maybe a dinner you still go to work

I don't think YABU in that you are entitled to prioritise your birthday over an engagement party. However that isn't the choice I'd make simply because I wouldn't want to miss my friend's engagement party, especially if I only saw them a couple of times a year.

If your birthday and the party are both Saturday for example, then it might be nice to book the day off work on the Friday, go somewhere Thursday evening, stay there until Saturday afternoon and then head to the engagement party (assuming it’s in the evening). Then you’re getting a nice long weekend to celebrate your birthday, plus able to go to the party where your friends will be so it’s like a double win for you. Then you have the Sunday to just chill before work again on Monday.
I wouldn’t mind if my friend had a party on my birthday, but I don’t care about birthdays and would welcome the attention being directed at someone else!

We tend to celebrate birthdays over about a week as it’s almost impossible to get everyone together at the same time. For example I’d go for lunch with my eldest son the day before because of his shifts, presents and nice meal with my husband on the day or nearish if he’s not away working, dinner out with friends the following weekend and maybe a flying visit from my youngest at some point.
So in your case I’d do something fab for my birthday either earlier or later and then enjoy seeing friends and partying on my actual birthday day. Seems like a lovely way to celebrate.

I would go to the party and do my birthday a different day. I would enjoy having both to go to.
I have to agree that it’s a bit childish and self-centred to make such a fuss about a birthday. It’s not like you’re not going to celebrate at all.

You've already told her you can't go because it's your birthday, now you've changed your mind, if I were your friend I'd accept your first reaction and carry on without you.

This, I would be well pleased.

I don’t understand adults who get precious about their birthdays (different if it’s a milestone such as 40th). You sound a bit me, me, me. You don’t need a fuss made of you on the actual day, I’m sure your boyfriend can still make it special for you with a card/gift and a nice breakfast/lunch if the party is in the evening. You can do the night away the previous or following weekend. A birthday comes every year, an engagement party comes once (for that couple).