Agreed to something I shouldn’t have, AIBU

[whoopswhatdoido]

Months ago we agreed to cat-sit for our neighbour for 4 days while they went away. We’ve done it once before, a year ago. When she asked again in possibly January time I said no problem. We do this for free btw

I found out about a month ago that this week is going to be really busy for us and minding their cat is an extra pressure and stress that isn’t needed. I made an excuse politely then and asked my neighbour to ask her family instead. She seemed a bit annoyed and said it was only three times a day, but she would ask. Her family all have ‘a lot on’ so nobody can do it for her.

I am not the best at being assertive in these situations so I said I’m sure we can make it work, somehow. They don’t get on holiday much and I felt guilty. Anyway I was under the impression it was just to feed the cat but we have literally just found out she is on medication also which needs giving so 3 visits a day. Also the cat will need litter tray changing more frequently due to this and I’m pregnant. DH could do it but he works much longer days than me so isn’t going to be able to do the 3x a day. Longwinded way of saying we cannot do it and I’m now stressed and feeling guilty there is no way out of it. We are moving house in 3 weeks anyway so in theory don’t have to have much to do with them then but I’m possibly the biggest people pleaser going and I would always try to honour any commitment for somebody.

What can I do? They go away tomorrow. We have other neighbours who have previously done this for them before but I’m worried they’ll be annoyed at us if we don’t.

Definitely. I am due to go for an operation as a day case next week. I have 3 cats. One of them is diabetic and needs insulin jabs twice daily. She will be lodging at the vet's as one of the staff lives over the shop. It's just one of these things that you have to suck on in cases like this. My neighbour has offered to come in and top up the food for the other two, which is really nice of her as I didn't ask, as I know that the longest that I will be in hospital is overnight as I live on my own. The vet said that I might be kept in a longer while. I told her that I am going NHS and they need all of the space that they can get and I will be kicked out at 6am on the morning after my op so that they can get the bed ready for the next occupant.

I’d be pretty annoyed with you too, UNLESS you gave them ample warning. Also, you never should have agreed to this back in January (if you were already pregnant!). Personally, I wouldn’t be cleaning her litter box without a mask and gloves, but you really should have told her this.

Three visits is a lot. The cat should be more than okay with at least one visit, unless it’s in medication that requires multiple doses a day. Honestly, it’s a big ask on their part but you did agree to do it. Make sure you are wearing a mask and gloves.

Where has anyone said that? 🙄

Well there are posts of the " you promised so suck it up/you're selfish/just change the litter box "etc. Basically prioritising the cats. I never accused anyone of saying that phrase but the possibility is real. Personally I've been in a similar position, albeit I am allergic but I wasn't pregnant. I said no to looking after my neighbours 2 cats for " a couple days over Christmas". However my elderly upstairs neighbour was asked next. She was also going away (" for a couple of days") and told them that I would do it instead.
I was absolutely fuming but I did it out of concern for the cats. I slipped on ice on their patio and was in a bad way, not the cat's fault. I struggled but fed and watered them. My upstairs neighbour was away for a full week and the cat owners eventually returned TEN days later. I told both neighbours '" never again, don't ask!"

@Annanirvana I don't think it's so much prioritising the cats so much as upholding agreements. But there is also the factor that if you leave it until the last minute to let someone down, then you've created a situation where some vulnerable animal may either go without the care they need or you've caused someone to cancel their holiday.

CaribouCarafe, I understand and I agree with what you say but not leaving things until the last minute goes for the cat owners especially. They requested that she give the 3 cats medication at the last minute. That in itself is bad, going away when your pets are ill? Suppose they get worse or die? What exactly are they ill with? The lady should have said no but the onus is firmly on the owners IMHO, it's too much responsibility and dangerous and CAF.

If I didn't want to do it- I'd say so at the time, not the day before.

I do help lots of people with their animals when away, and they do the same for me. What I would never do, is refuse at the very last minute.

It depends on how the medication is given. My cat was on medication and it was added to his food which isn't an issue. Measure it out/crush the pill, add to food, mix well, feed cat as normal. Hardly an imposition.

Regarding not going away, it depends on what's wrong. My cat was on medication for the last 7 years of his life, was I supposed to not go away for all that time? For the last 6 months of his life we didn't go away but before that we did.

Absolutely agree that if it's tablets and you are used to doing that it must not be an imposition to you. However, it IS an imposition to a non pet owner as they don't know the temperament of the animals, have never done that before and will be worried sick about doing it, getting it wrong and the animal getting worse, or dying? If all 3 of these cats are ill, are the kind and pregnant lady and her unborn child being exposed to an infection? Chances are, it will be an infection because all 3 have it ( I think).Please, no more lectures about what cats need, been there done that. My concern is for the lady and child. She is NOT a vet. Pets are very tying, so if you take them on, you need to take responsibility. If they're ill or you can't take them anywhere, you don't go. Let me put it this way. Would the lady be selfish for prioritising herself and her baby? Are the pet owners selfish for wanting a holiday and expecting free pet care for 3 sick animals?

Where have the additional sick cats come from? OP has been asked to feed ONE cat. One of her posts clearly states the cat doesn't like other cats.

I said adding medication to food isn't an imposition. Unless I missed it OP hasn't said how the medication was to be administered, that's a bit

'All 3 of these cats' do not have an infection as there is only one cat. We don't know whether that cat has an infection either. My cat was on kidney meds, powder added to his food, so he had a long term issue.

You really don't have to be a vet to add medication to food. Of course OP wouldn't be selfish to prioritise herself and the baby, but as I said my cat sitter managed to continue her business while she was pregnant as she was careful. I'm not saying OP should do it, just that it's possible. What are single women supposed to do if they are pregnant, get rid of the cat?

The pet owners aren't selfish for wanting a holiday as we don't actually know what is wrong with the cat. They should have told OP it would involve 3 visits but that's sorted now. I always used a professional cat sitter for my cat as it saves this sort of issue.

The cats owner does kind of have to prioritise the cat,it's sick and they can't sort themselves,can they? She should have made firm agreements with someone who was confident to administer the medication,not difficult if it can be added to the cats food. It is quite a big ask, especially of someone who isn't used to cats. The pregnancy needn't be a worry if gloves are used. Ultra clumping cat litter is easy to deal with,with a little ladle thing. I'm sure most pregnant cat mums know the correct procedures.
Their are often pet sitters who are experienced in looking after pets with health issues, quite an expense but well worth it for the peace of mind.

Buy your neighbour one of these:
https://www.argos.co.uk/product/5814978?clickPR=plp:8:16

Get your DH to go once a day to feed the cat once, and with the timers set for feed 2 and feed 3 - medication can go in the feed, and change the cat litter. Problem solved?

At first I thought you were being unreasonable. But then I read the OP again and saw they you gave them a month’s notice. She had no business to be annoyed at you for this as month’s notice is ample time to make alternative arrangements.

There are plenty cat-sitting businesses who do home visits and they could have called upon one of them. We’ve sometimes had to use one of those services when none of our usual cat-sitters were available. Yes, we had to pay for the service but she is our cat and our responsibility. Pets can be expensive but you have to except that when you choose to take one on.

However although she was unreasonable for not accepting your excuses a month ago, I think you were too for allowing her her browbeat you. I don’t really think you can get out of it now but it’s a lesson for the future.

Looking after a cat (I do this regularly) adds a matter of minutes to your day - I suspect there is more to this than we are discussing here

Catteries will have been booked up for months. Also, don’t offer to pay halves, that’s taking it to the extreme. You’re not that big a mug, surely. Just say once a day - and it’ll be your husband who’ll be doing it, not you. She’ll have to create a rota for others to pop in - that’s what I do. It’s a nightmare but tough, that’s what happens when you have pets and want to save on cattery costs. Just text her if you’re too scared to phone her.

Wow. You handled that badly.

So think it through and how you would handle it again. Especially as you're moving anyway.

We've looked after several friends' cats before. It only involved going round once a day for food, water and litter tray. And tbh, husband mixed up dates once and cat went without care for a week. Bizarrely the cat survived.

It's stupidly unreasonable to go around 3 x a day? Who can manage that?

Were you expecting to go around 3 x a day when they first asked?

Do you have any idea of boundaries or negotiations?

Because boundaries are really important.

Especially when you move. Put limits on how much you can and will help.

Its four days, 5 mins each visit. 15 mins a day. Are you really "that" busy?

Wear gloves or get hubby to do litter tray. And if he can, meds as well.

Its too late to pull out now.

Stay friends with your neighbour

This is one of the big problems with people pelasers tbh.

Agree to something months in advance that they don't really want to do but can't say no. As time passes, they realise that they really can't do it so tell someone half heartedly. Their people pleasing gets the better of them so they back down and continue with their agreement. Feel terribly hard done by and find all manner of little reason to justify not wanting to do it. Let people down at the last minute because reality kicks in.

See it as a virtue and yet its a really toxic behaviour 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you don't want to do something, say no akd mean it. But don't pretend it's all OK and then find ways of justifying letting people down at the last minute and blaming their unreasonable expectations for it.

If I was genuinely happy to do something for someone, a slight change due to circumstances wouldn't be an issue

Just wear gloves and use a poop scoop. Wash your hands afterwards!

If you can only do am and pm then just do that.. maybe if you ask another neighbour someone will do the lunchtime one? No harm in asking

My mum does this all the time… agrees to something then does nothing but moan about it…. But then says she isn’t moaning… pisses me off!

Just suck it up for 4 days

the litter tray can be left for 4 days.

chances are it’s too late for a cattery

Just read the thread. The neighbour has now roped some other poor sucker to do it.

This is very impractical for you. Three times a day to visit a cat and give them medication and change litter is a lot, which is very different from nipping in once a day to make sure the cat has food and water, and neighbour for sure didn't make that clear to you in advance. I DEFINITELY wouldn't change that litter when pregnant...speaking as a paediatric doctor...not worth the risk. We also have house cats and certainly don't change their litter as often as that so I would question whether it even needs doing if they are away for such a short time. I would explain to neighbour changing litter is a risk you aren't going to take, and that the burden of looking after cat is a lot more than you originally thought. You can pay people to cat sit in your house which they might be able to find last min. Their responsibility to make sure their cat is looked after and shouldn't be putting pressure on you when they should clearly know this is quite a job for anyone to be doing.

Expecting a baby and cat litter trays present a high risk of Toxoplasmosis. You should not be emptying litter trays when pregnant or handling cat medication. I hope you have declined.