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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

336 replies

Selman · 09/06/2024 04:29

I have one friend who is ridiculously well off, at least to me!
His parents owned a company they sold in the mid 2000s, no idea how much for but a good amount!
He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year. He has one child who he sends to a very expensive prep school, has a nanny for and spends thousands on her hobbies.
Tonight we were talking about politics etc. when a friend mentioned that he is extremely privileged. He became very defensive and disagreed as he works like everyone else and his daughter will have to as well (she will be gifted a 3 bedroom flat worth over 1mil and a trust fund).
He made a big deal about his parents not being very smart with the proceeds of the sale of their company in his opinion as "other than rental income" they don't have any real investments. He kept going on about how he HAS to work. When it was pointed out if he sold his house and moved into a perfectly lovely 1mil house he wouldn't have to work he got more defensive.
Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income.
Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

OP posts:
HashB · 09/06/2024 04:37

The majority of well off people don’t like to think good fortune just fell in to their lap. It must be undermining to whatever work they have done - and he must do something good for his £200k?
I am saying the above to try and be fair though. Someone with some much wealth telling me they aren’t really that well off and need to work wouldn’t sit great with me either!

ThinWomansBrain · 09/06/2024 04:43

How long have you been friends with him?
if this has only just surfaced, maybe just avoid discussing his finances with him?

SheepAndSword · 09/06/2024 05:00

I wouldn't end the friendship in a dramatic way but it's fine to raise it again. He does sound out of touch!

Firefly1987 · 09/06/2024 05:06

No I wouldn't end a friendship over that. I'm not surprised he got defensive as it sounds like the other friend was having a bit of a dig at him. And pointing out he should move house! No one else's bloody business. If anything he'll probably be ending the friendship-who can be arsed having to defend their lifestyle to that degree?

echt · 09/06/2024 05:16

Firefly1987 · 09/06/2024 05:06

No I wouldn't end a friendship over that. I'm not surprised he got defensive as it sounds like the other friend was having a bit of a dig at him. And pointing out he should move house! No one else's bloody business. If anything he'll probably be ending the friendship-who can be arsed having to defend their lifestyle to that degree?

No said he should move house but if he did he would have more money -that's a could, not a should.

MermaidMummy06 · 09/06/2024 05:28

It's up to you if you can tolerate it, really. I had to step back from a priveledged friend who had everything handed to her by her in laws. Also childcare for half the school week including pickups, activities & when she & her DH took frequent (paid for) overseas trips.

What I I couldn't take was her constant complaining about needing a break, had no money & how her (lovely) MIL was too involved in their lives. I had a monster MIL, zero childcare, could barely afford a basic holiday & never got a night off.

There's only so much a person can take before exploding so I just backed away before that happened.

It was just so usual for her, she honestly believed she was entitled to the assistance & never considered how lucky she was.

TowelTerror · 09/06/2024 05:34

Well, most people get defensive when they feel under attack.

End the friendship if you think your friend is “a twat”. But I wouldn’t assume that he’s unaware of his good fortune based on the exchange you describe. It sounds as if “privileged “ was being used not as a neutral description of good fortune but as a criticism, so he tried- albeit clumsily- to defend himself. I imagine your friend felt uncomfortable being made to feel different from the group and was trying to minimise the difference- not necessarily because he wasn’t aware of his financial position but because no some likes feeling attacked or forced to justify themselves. Sounds like he responded badly in the moment.

If this is something you would end the friendship over, you cant have been great friends to begin with. Friends tend to know this sort of thing about each other already, and cut each other some slack rather than treating social engagement like a Twitter pile on.

daisychain01 · 09/06/2024 05:40

Why is it that when people gain wealth they have to walk around in sackcloth and ashes, self-flagellating and wailing that they're so lucky to have such privilege and that they don't deserve it.

It's really tiresome, just leave him alone. If I were your friend OP I wouldn't think kindly of you splashing his financial circumstances out here on SM for all to see, to shame him for his 'crime'.

AgentJohnson · 09/06/2024 05:42

What a stupid and pointless argument/discussion.

I rent social housing, I am a single parent (DV related) and I have a disability (partially sighted). Would you consider me privileged? Well I do because I know there are enough humans out there who’d kill for the security I have.

Everyone has some privilege.

daisychain01 · 09/06/2024 05:42

Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!

if that's how you think about a friend, he'll be a lot better off if you walk away.

CoalTit · 09/06/2024 05:45

It's very common for people to delude themselves like this, so I wouldn't deliberately end a friendship over it.
However, I did unintentionally end a friendship with someone who was boasting about how independent he was. I pointed out that he still took his washing around to his eighty-something mother for her to do. He was really upset with me and stopped contacting me.

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 09/06/2024 05:45

People mentally exaggerate their own part in any success and minimise others’ contribution. He’s not a monster. It’s just what people do.
If you can’t stand him then back away. Only you know whether he’s a nett positive in your life. Telling him why you can’t stand him is unlikely to do any good.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 09/06/2024 05:45

You sound bitter and jealous. If I was him I'd be ending the friendship with you.

StopStartStop · 09/06/2024 05:51

Yes, definitely break off a friendship because your friend isn't miserable about being wealthy and because he sees his work as being equally valuable to the work of poorer people. He needs right-thinking people around him, so you'd be doing him a favour.

ManilowBarry · 09/06/2024 05:53

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 09/06/2024 05:45

You sound bitter and jealous. If I was him I'd be ending the friendship with you.

Exactly this.

ChinaBlueBell · 09/06/2024 05:53

This reply has been deleted

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5Bagatelles · 09/06/2024 05:55

Privilege is relative. You're welcome to think what you like about your friend's finances but he's entitled to his opinion about his reality. What a silly reason to sever ties. You sound like a terrible friend.

Meadowfinch · 09/06/2024 05:56

I'm from a free school meals household, grew up poor but went to a grammar school, university in the 80s, and have done ok. Never a 6 figure income but comfortable.

Yet some people at my last job accused me of being posh, entitled etc which was ridiculous. Everyone has a different upbringing and a different normal. Wealth is not only measured in financial terms. And they had no idea of my true financial status.

Just because he is asset-wealthy, he may still work extremely hard, most of the rich people I know, do. He has his worries and his inadequacies the same as the rest of us. And you don't know what debts he also has.

In the end, his finances are none of your business, talking about money is distasteful and a bad idea, exactly because it leads to these sorts of problems.

If you continue in this vein, you will end up with very few friends.

CaptainHaddocksPychotherapist · 09/06/2024 06:05

Ypur other friend is rude and obnoxious for bringing up you 'rich' friends wealth in the first place. No wondee he became defensive; how ignorant to do such a thing
You are now reflecting on your rude friend's comment and thinking they are correct...
I think your wealthy friend is better off without you and anyone else you know

Firefly1987 · 09/06/2024 06:06

echt · 09/06/2024 05:16

No said he should move house but if he did he would have more money -that's a could, not a should.

Show quote history

I'm sure he's aware he could move house, doesn't need OP to point it out. Did he ask for their advice? Or was the poor bloke just trying to defend himself after it seems like the OPs friend brought it up to criticise him. Probably the sort of "friendship" where you get shot down for having any opinion because you "don't know what it's like to struggle" blah blah, who needs bitter friends with big fat chips on their shoulders like that.

hattie43 · 09/06/2024 06:10

This bloody word ' privilege' again .
Privilege is everywhere , someone is always more privileged than someone else get used to it .

ilovepuppies2019 · 09/06/2024 06:17

Does he work? I’m not clear from your post whether it’s rental income or a work place income. It’s ridiculous that he doesn’t see but if he works a 9-5 job then the wealth may not impact his daily life in a way that’s obvious to him. He might well feel like everyone else. It’s very, very frustrating though if he doesn’t see how lucky he is. I wouldn’t end the friendship but I wouldn’t shy away from telling him things are different for you when it’s relevant.

Gettingannoyednow · 09/06/2024 06:25

You may find that he has already decided to end the friendship with you.

This whole situation is why it's generally considered rude/a bad idea to talk about money. Someone always gets upset.

Blackcats7 · 09/06/2024 06:31

I honestly don’t see why people are calling you jealous, utter nonsense and the usual immediate response by those who don’t want to see the point you are making.
If someone was purely jealous they likely would not be friends in the first place.
I have a wealthy friend myself who genuinely believes life is a level playing field and she has millions because she is clever/ worked when in fact huge inherited wealth and privilege has shaped her life. I love her dearly but some of the things she says are at complete odds with reality so I do my best to provide an alternative view with information of the lives and struggles of those who haven’t had her enormous advantages. In credit to her she does listen and is beginning to reflect a little. Because we are such good friends we can talk about anything and everything to both our benefit but in response to your point OP if I had a very wealthy friend who refused to see their advantage at all I think I would not want to continue that relationship.

CaptainHaddocksPychotherapist · 09/06/2024 06:36

Blackcats7 · 09/06/2024 06:31

I honestly don’t see why people are calling you jealous, utter nonsense and the usual immediate response by those who don’t want to see the point you are making.
If someone was purely jealous they likely would not be friends in the first place.
I have a wealthy friend myself who genuinely believes life is a level playing field and she has millions because she is clever/ worked when in fact huge inherited wealth and privilege has shaped her life. I love her dearly but some of the things she says are at complete odds with reality so I do my best to provide an alternative view with information of the lives and struggles of those who haven’t had her enormous advantages. In credit to her she does listen and is beginning to reflect a little. Because we are such good friends we can talk about anything and everything to both our benefit but in response to your point OP if I had a very wealthy friend who refused to see their advantage at all I think I would not want to continue that relationship.

Does it take you long to polish that halo?

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