Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

[Selman]

I have one friend who is ridiculously well off, at least to me!
His parents owned a company they sold in the mid 2000s, no idea how much for but a good amount!
He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year. He has one child who he sends to a very expensive prep school, has a nanny for and spends thousands on her hobbies.
Tonight we were talking about politics etc. when a friend mentioned that he is extremely privileged. He became very defensive and disagreed as he works like everyone else and his daughter will have to as well (she will be gifted a 3 bedroom flat worth over 1mil and a trust fund).
He made a big deal about his parents not being very smart with the proceeds of the sale of their company in his opinion as "other than rental income" they don't have any real investments. He kept going on about how he HAS to work. When it was pointed out if he sold his house and moved into a perfectly lovely 1mil house he wouldn't have to work he got more defensive.
Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income.
Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

But not everyone recognises it which I think was OP's point.

You sound jealous , that’s why it’s bothering you so much. It’s just a conversation that shouldn’t require getting so worked up over. Probably better for him if you step away

Totally agree with this.

Op sounds very jealous. If he's a valued friend, the amount of money and how he got it, shouldn't matter to you.

Sounds like he was being attacked for his parents good business acumen. He rents properties out for money which I'm sure does take time, was time consuming enough for one flat!) He is privileged but doesn't need a lecture from so called friends, so no I would not end friendship but I would reconsider that position if his politics is tone deaf to the way ordinary people live

The friendship is making you feel inadequate. Whether or not you are right to feel this way is beside the point. He does sound s bit of a pain tbh. It really is grim when folk talk about how much money they have. Or even worse pleading poverty on £250k a year like some on here.

I think firstly it depends on how the other friend made the comment as it may have rubbed him up the wrong way and secondly that (as PP says) it does undermine his actual job a bit. He clearly has a decent job. He is very privileged and he should see that but I do wonder what was said. Also maybe he does have to work as how would he pay for the nanny or send the child to
school etc

Yes he is privileged and doesn’t realise it but why would you end friendship over it?? Whats the big deal?

I think that if he works as well ,he is not getting 200k sat about on his arse! If everyone was "equal"we might as well live in bloody China. If hes a good friend ,then I would probably ditch the other "friend" who is clearly jealous! I think this is the problem with being wealthy ,people will be jealous .However I look at wealth, slightly differently to others. Nice friends ,good health, a lovely dog, family and so on.A friend said yesterday that we are all obsessed with who has "more"that we dont notice our own privileges.He clearly could do with some non judgmental "friends! Look just enjoy his company if you want to .Jealously is a no attractive trait!

Feelings are feelings. If he felt frustrated at his parents' lack of good investment, then so be it. Wouldn't everyone feel frustrated knowing their parents made poor decisions with the outcomes of their hard work?

If you aren't able to allow him space to feel the things he feels, without judgement then you aren't a good friend to him so yeah end it.

People always look up in terms of wealth and privilege. We generally compare ourselves to those who have more. not less. It's so easy to assume your situation is average or deserved, or because of your own good sense, work ethic and choices. Always easy to see someone we perceive has more, has it easier etc. We rarely look down and think how privileged we are. It's human nature. Your friend is just doing what most people do.

I'm sure he's very aware he's in a fortunate position, but it doesn't sound like he's has much luck where his friends are concerned.

How would you feel if someone with less than you started lecturing you on how fortunate you were? Honestly wouldn't blame him from dropping you both like a stone.

I think a lot of people with inherited wealth feel guilty about it deep down. They also shouldn't really, because IHT has been paid etc. However it is easy to tar them with the "silver spoon" and basically write off anything they have achieved themselves which must be pretty soul destroying.

I'm not saying he isn't a twat or hasn't reacted badly, but I do think often kids of wealthy families feel they can't do much right, even if they do work full time or make changes to the world, because someone will always tell them it was because they had a silver spoon.

Maybe he’s asset rich, cash poor. Maybe he feels under pressure to work hard to earn money to send his daughter to the expensive school, etc. Maybe he views a privileged person as someone who never has to work. Maybe he doesn’t like being judged.

Maybe he does have a lot if money but it sounds like he doesn’t flaunt it and it’s never been a problem before.

To be honest, I think it was a bit poor of you and your friends to make another friend feel uncomfortable by supposedly calling them out for being privileged. I'm not surprised he was a bit defensive! If he is a decent person then I really don't understand why you would end a friendship? I'm getting the impression that you are all a bit jealous and decided to attack him. If he has a job that earns 200k he is clearly not a lazy layabout who just lives off of his parents money!

I'm sure he's aware that he's "privileged". Aren't we all in some sense. But felt the need to defend himself somehow from what he suspected was an attack. And as the outcome of this conversation is that you now think he's a twat and are considering ending the friendship then maybe he was being attacked by you both.

Why did the other friend feel the need to point out to him he was privileged. Surely that obvious to everyone. No need to point it out. But even though he has great wealth, he will have associated bills, outgoings, expenses, liabilities that need to be managed. He clearly works hard. Would you prefer him to sit on his arse all day rubbing your noses in how rich he is? If your friendship is so fragile that you would consider ending it over this one incident then it's better that you do. You don't see him as a friend at all.

You come across as jealous and bitter
he’s working and must have a good career on that amount of pay so he’s not exactly sitting around enjoying his inheritance doing nothing! Which as you pointed out he could be! No wonder he’s defensive
I think yabu for being critical and judgement about him
id say he doesn’t need friends like you
plus he’s had to suffer heartache no doubt losing parents to have this, which I would not wish upon anyone

Reallly my friends range from multi millionaires to couch surfing homeless people. You are letting their wealth define your relationship
Ate thet a nice person ? Thats all you need to know

I’m pretty certain he knows how privileged he is. Does he really need that stating by anyone? Of course he will end up feeling defensive.
Conversations like this will never end well, and he has felt that he has justify his wealth to you. Very strange to consider you’d end a friendship over this.

It absolutely works both ways - don't you see how people get defensive when told that being poor is their own fault? Why is this always fine to say you're poor and struggling because of bad luck, society is unfair etc but if you're wealthy it's always luck and privilege?

It’s not an ‘opinion’ though. It’s a fact he could liquidate a couple of investments, live off income from the rest and he could live very comfortably without working. It is hard to respect someone with that much wealth who can’t do the basic calculations and just know that for the factual reality it is.

I would be upset if I were him. His friends badgering him to accept his privilege. Doesn’t sound like the kind of thing friends do.

The fact OP is mates with someone with this level of wealth makes me think she’s hardly on the bones of her arse, living in a shared bedsit in Jaywick. Wonder if she’d like someone with less than her being in her face about her own privilege?

If someone pointed out your privilege compared to most people in the world and then they ended the friendship over it, how would you feel? Would you think gosh I must be grateful for my life for ever more now that I am aware of my privilege, or would you think that the other person was a bit jealous and over dramatic and you might be better off without them?

Most of us aren't aware of how privileged we are. You seem to want him to somehow apologise or defer because of his fortune. It might be annoying that he's out of touch (could spending time with more average people be what educates him?) but it doesn't sound as though he treats anyone badly and in his way, working when he doesn't need to, he's probably trying to stay as grounded as anyone can when born into that extremely fortunate position.

End the friendship if you want, if your dealbreaker for friendships is that people, however nice and loyal they are, "acknowledge their privilege", whatever that means. (You'll be applying it consistently, I assume.) But you'll be the one who let money come between you, not him.

YABU to end the friendship over just this conversation. Unless you just don’t like him and this is an excuse to end the relationship.

However, I agree that if it ever comes up, a gracious, compassionate and intelligent person would acknowledge at the least that he has been given a big leg up in life (understatement!) and that the wealth is not just down to his genius and hard graft.

The only twat here is you, you friend was disgustingly rude. Why should he accept he is privileged because you say so?
I think if you end the friendship he will have dodged a bullet as you seem judgemental, jealous, and nasty. How vulgar to talk about his finances that way.