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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

336 replies

Selman · 09/06/2024 04:29

I have one friend who is ridiculously well off, at least to me!
His parents owned a company they sold in the mid 2000s, no idea how much for but a good amount!
He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year. He has one child who he sends to a very expensive prep school, has a nanny for and spends thousands on her hobbies.
Tonight we were talking about politics etc. when a friend mentioned that he is extremely privileged. He became very defensive and disagreed as he works like everyone else and his daughter will have to as well (she will be gifted a 3 bedroom flat worth over 1mil and a trust fund).
He made a big deal about his parents not being very smart with the proceeds of the sale of their company in his opinion as "other than rental income" they don't have any real investments. He kept going on about how he HAS to work. When it was pointed out if he sold his house and moved into a perfectly lovely 1mil house he wouldn't have to work he got more defensive.
Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income.
Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

OP posts:
Tauranga · 09/06/2024 08:18

TowelTerror · 09/06/2024 05:34

Well, most people get defensive when they feel under attack.

End the friendship if you think your friend is “a twat”. But I wouldn’t assume that he’s unaware of his good fortune based on the exchange you describe. It sounds as if “privileged “ was being used not as a neutral description of good fortune but as a criticism, so he tried- albeit clumsily- to defend himself. I imagine your friend felt uncomfortable being made to feel different from the group and was trying to minimise the difference- not necessarily because he wasn’t aware of his financial position but because no some likes feeling attacked or forced to justify themselves. Sounds like he responded badly in the moment.

If this is something you would end the friendship over, you cant have been great friends to begin with. Friends tend to know this sort of thing about each other already, and cut each other some slack rather than treating social engagement like a Twitter pile on.

I agree with this. He is a lucky man. However he thought you were his friends and now he sees how envious you are of him. If I was him, I would end the friendship with you and the other ' friend'

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 09/06/2024 08:18

Sorry op but you just sound jealous. End the friendship if you think he is a twat, sounds like you might be doing him a favour.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 09/06/2024 08:19

Codlingmoths · 09/06/2024 08:08

It’s not an ‘opinion’ though. It’s a fact he could liquidate a couple of investments, live off income from the rest and he could live very comfortably without working. It is hard to respect someone with that much wealth who can’t do the basic calculations and just know that for the factual reality it is.

Show quote history

Maybe he doesn't want to liquidate and give up work. Maybe he has a work ethic. Maybe he wants to be an example to his daughter that you have to work in life. Wealth can disappear very quickly with a bad decision or two. This man felt under attack (and if @Selman is considering ending the friendship then obviously it wasn't a nice pleasant admiring conversation) and defended himself. He knows he's wealthy. His 'friends' know he's wealthy. I don't know why he has to confirm that to you or admit anything. And I don't know why would consider ending a friendship for this reason unless of course you are envious of him and find yourself resenting him.

RoseUnder · 09/06/2024 08:19

The attitude I hate from rich people is that people who aren’t successful in life are therefore lazy or stupid.

Folk who blame individuals and even countries, for being poor, rather than society and history.

A sadly prevalent attitude among the rich I’ve had personal experience of.

NonPlayerCharacter · 09/06/2024 08:20

RoseUnder · 09/06/2024 08:19

The attitude I hate from rich people is that people who aren’t successful in life are therefore lazy or stupid.

Folk who blame individuals and even countries, for being poor, rather than society and history.

A sadly prevalent attitude among the rich I’ve had personal experience of.

There's nothing OP has said to suggest that he thinks this.

stichguru · 09/06/2024 08:20

What are you trying to achieve by pointing this out? I mean wealth, poverty and privilege are relative terms. You could argue that everyone on here is wealthy, because if they weren't, they couldn't afford a device with internet access. On the other hand, I know plenty of people who would be poor in comparison to me who still have phones or tablets/computers etc. I don't know - I guess people move in their own circles and so compare more with "their own" than with a cross section of the population.

WhatNoRaisins · 09/06/2024 08:21

I sometimes get telling people to consider their own privilege when a lucky to be well off person is criticising less fortunate people for not doing so well as them.

Otherwise it's really wanky. It's forgivable for a 16 old in the middle of that know it all stage most of us go through but it's cringey in a grown adult.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 09/06/2024 08:22

RoseUnder · 09/06/2024 08:19

The attitude I hate from rich people is that people who aren’t successful in life are therefore lazy or stupid.

Folk who blame individuals and even countries, for being poor, rather than society and history.

A sadly prevalent attitude among the rich I’ve had personal experience of.

The rich person in this scenario doesn't appear to have any such attitude. The only attitude seems to be coming from the OP and the other friend.

KittensSchmittens · 09/06/2024 08:23

Meh, all wealthy people are like this. Either he has other redeeming features and you can overlook this flaw or you can't. Personally think the person having a dig at his good fortune is more of an arsehole tbh.

unabletocan · 09/06/2024 08:25

If I was him I'd be ending the friendship with you.

Bumblebeeinatree · 09/06/2024 08:26

Someone privileged is someone better off than you. Everyone sees things from their own point of view, in his circle he may well feel he has to work really hard to have the lifestyle some of his friends have without having to work hard.

Do you consider yourself privileged compared to people poorer than you?

escarg0t · 09/06/2024 08:26

Yes, you should end your friendship with him. He deserves better than to have to put up with people which have a go at him over his circumstances when it wasn’t even him who brought it up, but a third “friend” who sounds like they were trying to stir up trouble! Poor bloke!

Didimum · 09/06/2024 08:26

Someone isn’t automatically a twat just because they haven’t, as yet, had their consciousness raised to their privilege. It can take time. If he is a kind and decent person, then he’s not just ‘a twat’ – why would you be friends with him if he were? People are multi-faceted.

Noonelikesasloppytrifle · 09/06/2024 08:28

I think the OP is getting a really hard time here. They mention that they were discussing politics and yes, whilst we are all privileged to a degree, of course our life experience changes our perspective. When it comes to politics it is that perspective which shapes who we vote for and subsequently the policy and practice of how our society runs. It is important.

I have many friends and family who believe they have worked hard for their success and that's it's as simple as that. They all have inherited wealth which has made their plight so much easier (farmer inheriting his farm, SAHM gifted property which provides her a private income which enables her to stay at home). Their lack of recognition of this makes them believe that everyone has the same opportunity as them and if we all worked hard enough then we could achieve the same. We all know the reality is not that simple.

OP I wouldn't drop the friendship but if I found myself in the right context of discussion I would certainly provide challenge.

dairyfairy21 · 09/06/2024 08:29

Is that 200k after tax or before? However, if that 200k is after tax don't read on. Hes fine haha

If he has expenses, private school, nanny, houses that need maintenance men then after tax I can see a lot of that gone already.

Asset rich, cash poor. I know 200k is a lot but almost 50% of that is tax. Then what, 20k school fee's? 20k - 35k on a nanny?

Household fee's for his main home - at 5 mil I'd say that's a big house that costs a lot to run, does he pay people to maintain his other houses? That's a salary's for every house manager / maintenance guy / housekeeper

Not the same as the usual problems, but when you have "money" you also end up with a lot "thing so that cost a lot.

Sallyh87 · 09/06/2024 08:29

Most people are privileged in comparison to someone else. I’m sure there are people who look at you @Selman and can’t believe the luck that fell in your lap. Don’t be bitter.

countrysidelife2024 · 09/06/2024 08:30

i dont think you are being unreasonable, i had the same. man i know has multiple properties and about 22 mil in assets. He works but he was also gifted his very first few houses from parents. I would say Priviliged, hes never had to struggle or worry that he might struggle, so i would say that is Privilege.

Pollipops1 · 09/06/2024 08:31

I’m not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time, clearly he is privileged & much has come from parents. A 200k job doesn’t get you 10m in property.

If the OP had started a thread saying she earned 100k but was finding there wasn’t much spare she would be told to check her privilege!

Soontobe60 · 09/06/2024 08:32

Someone who chooses to only have friends who are poor are virtue signalling twats. Identity politics is virtue signalling nonsense.

Rhinohides · 09/06/2024 08:33

I’m old school so never discuss money.
Your post shows YOUR values though and as you seem to be valuing the financials over the friendship maybe it would be better for him if you called it a day.
Doesnt matter how wealthy you are, should our so called FRIENDS be criticising us to strangers in a public forum 🤷‍♀️

Pollipops1 · 09/06/2024 08:34

Doesnt matter how wealthy you are, should our so called FRIENDS be criticising us to strangers in a public forum

Well in that case most MNs threads wouldn’t exist since people criticise their partners, parents & children here!

stayathomer · 09/06/2024 08:35

He’s defending himself because he’s probably beaten over the head with it daily!! You should never keep a friendship going if it irritates you that he’s in a different position to uou and you can’t at least just say ‘that’s the way it is’. I think if people ask ‘should I end a friendship’ then you weren’t friends anyway or just aren’t anymore, Id hate to think anyone would ask that question about me!!

Comedycook · 09/06/2024 08:36

I have a similar friend. I genuinely don't care if you're loaded and privileged but what I cannot bear is the absolute lack of awareness.

TheMoment · 09/06/2024 08:36

I agree with you OP.

escarg0t · 09/06/2024 08:38

Noonelikesasloppytrifle · 09/06/2024 08:28

I think the OP is getting a really hard time here. They mention that they were discussing politics and yes, whilst we are all privileged to a degree, of course our life experience changes our perspective. When it comes to politics it is that perspective which shapes who we vote for and subsequently the policy and practice of how our society runs. It is important.

I have many friends and family who believe they have worked hard for their success and that's it's as simple as that. They all have inherited wealth which has made their plight so much easier (farmer inheriting his farm, SAHM gifted property which provides her a private income which enables her to stay at home). Their lack of recognition of this makes them believe that everyone has the same opportunity as them and if we all worked hard enough then we could achieve the same. We all know the reality is not that simple.

OP I wouldn't drop the friendship but if I found myself in the right context of discussion I would certainly provide challenge.

The OP is getting exactly the response their behaviour deserves! She and another friend have essentially buddied up to pick on this man, put him in a situation where there’s no way he can “win”, which has pushed him into having to defend himself and she’s now criticising him for that!

It’s actually quite encouraging that most responders here can see that wealthy friend has been mistreated in this situation.