Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

[Selman]

I have one friend who is ridiculously well off, at least to me!
His parents owned a company they sold in the mid 2000s, no idea how much for but a good amount!
He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year. He has one child who he sends to a very expensive prep school, has a nanny for and spends thousands on her hobbies.
Tonight we were talking about politics etc. when a friend mentioned that he is extremely privileged. He became very defensive and disagreed as he works like everyone else and his daughter will have to as well (she will be gifted a 3 bedroom flat worth over 1mil and a trust fund).
He made a big deal about his parents not being very smart with the proceeds of the sale of their company in his opinion as "other than rental income" they don't have any real investments. He kept going on about how he HAS to work. When it was pointed out if he sold his house and moved into a perfectly lovely 1mil house he wouldn't have to work he got more defensive.
Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income.
Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

He wasn't being asked to defend his lifestyle, just to acknowledge his luck in life. We had a friend who via a very privileged upbringing ended up with the obligatory £150k job thanks mostly to family connections etc and a private education, and gifted a small London flat from granny's estate, however adamantly believed that she was only just in the middle of the pack. I made the mistake of saying that "middle of pack was £25kpa (at that time) to which she replied that that was what road sweepers and Tesco workers were paid, never mind benefit scroungers that she was spending half her taxes on. I couldn't wear this attitude after it kept being repeated ad infinitum so eventually cut ourselves off.

If someone called you fat or stupid you'd defend yourself?
I think its the same thing. And yes obviously IMO, he is privileged but doesn't necessarily mean he behaves "entitled".

If he's your friend, consider if you can tolerate the privileged gap between your lives, and then decide if you want to stay friends.

If he's someone you know, an acquaintance, I'd probably fade out.

Many wealthy people would believe that the only reason you are unemployed because you are a lazy scrounger. Their world always provides them with a fallback position if their line of work fails them and are blissfully unaware of anything different in other people's lives.

@Ukrainebaby23 I am fat. I will not deny reality.

No-one thinks they are privileged, they think they earned it somehow.

It's an uncomfortable conversation and bound to put someone on the back foot as they feel they have to justify themselves.

I wouldn't excommunicate someone for that.

If my doctor said I was overweight, it would be factual. If a friend was discussing your health and said you were overweight, it might be perfectly fair. If they use it as an insult that is different.
You can be fortunate and lazy or hard working.
You can be unfortunate and lazy or hard working.
Being fortunate is not an insult, we woudl do well to recognise how fortunate we are.

You don’t know how much the rentals and holiday homes cost or whether any of the properties are mortgaged. If anything, I’m surprised he hasn’t got more rental properties on £200k

Agree - discussing finances is rude and makes people feel singled out. Because I lost my parents in my 20s people are always assuming I'm loaded from inheritance - poking around for info on it and leaving me with the tab if we go for drinks, Zoopla'ing how much our family home sold for - they don't realise inheritance tax is 40%, there were massive care debts etc. They act as well if I'm lucky my parent died and I haven't earned anything for myself and have endless money - which is completely untrue and unfair because I've only just received the small bit of inheritance 6 years later that I did receive (which I am grateful for), but believe me it's not a quantity that would make or break a person. People are so into jealously politics and have massive antipathy for those they believe to be rich - just let them live their lives, their finances are none of your business and you don't know their struggles.

Hmm. I observe people change when they have unearned wealth. Perhaps it’s more that you just don’t have much in common anymore apart from the shared past. Perhaps this is how it is, if your friend also had a 9 to 5 job you would be closer with more shared experiences.
We have friends whose daughter married in to great wealth. They have a 6bed house in the grounds with staff who clean and maintain it. Their holidays are by private jet. they chose which car they are using from a fleet.
Over years we just have seen less of them because our lives are different, we haven’t dropped each other as friends but we are not the same anymore.
Just let things develop rather than “dropping him” He’s not a twat, his life has changed though.

Would you say the same about someone who suddenly became poor? Disabled? Would you drop them in the same way because their life has changed?
My life changed dramatically when I had a disabled child. I’m glad my friends didn’t drop me because I can no longer do the things I used to do. They go off on exotic holidays/weekend breaks etc while I’m at home with my disabled child, but I’m still the same person and it would be pretty shit if they dropped me just because I can’t do the things they do.

Honest truth is, we socialise with and are best friends with people we see often and have similar lifestyles. Not exclusively ( I’ve got friends from all backgrounds) but generally.
I haven’t and wouldn’t, drop friends because their circumstances change. I haven’t dropped the friends I was referring to. The point I was making is that you drift apart because it’s harder to stay close friends when your lifestyles are not the same.
Having said that, I and most people definitely go the extra mile for a friend who is having a hard time.

Why give him a free pass? His main house is worth £5million. I don't think he's mortgaged to the hilt with several buy to lets, or that they're two up two downs in a run down part of the country.

£200k doesn't cut you the slack to buy these assets, unless you're leveraged to the eyeballs and bought them a good while ago.

It just sounds unnecessarily passive aggressively rude

when you attack people they instinctively become combative

I think I would get defensive if someone made comments about my financial position too.
Personally whether someone else is privileged or not is not my business.
If you can't cope with a fiend who has a lot more than you maybe you should move on

A free pass for what? Having a decent income and investments?

It is amazing to me how few people understand this concept of privilege. It's the same when white people get outraged because they're reminded they have "white privilege" and they then tell us all the reasons their life has been hard and can't see that those are all true, but they have not struggled because of the colour of their skin.

Your friend absolutely is privileged. He shouldn't be attacked for that, but I do understand the frustration of dealing with someone who has no idea how this family wealth has smoothed his life out in many ways (while not, of course, removing the need to work or completely taking away the bad).

As I said upthread, I am brown. I don't ambush my white friends and constantly remind them of their privilege. That's not friendship to me, backing them into a corner and attacking them.

Anyway poster clearly meant to be goady.

Weird to assume the issue is the friend's wealth rather than the friend's lack of self awareness.

well no, of course not. But this concept comes up occasionally and I'd expect people to acknowledge it. And let's face it, at the time of an election is when it does tend to come up more. I'm white and South African. I have a better education and had a better start than many other people as a result. I also experienced some bias against me when I moved to England because I am not English. So I have a personal experience of privilege and no privilege in these two minor examples. I can acknowledge that.

I am not interested in being friends with anyone who attacks me for being a white South African who grew up in Apartheid (I've met a few of those over the years) but I absolutely 100% acknowledge my privilege and would do so if it comes up in conversation.

I wouldn't make someone feel guilty for being privileged

I agree - I have friends on 6× my salary and friends on a half my salary. To be honest I rarely think about it. I respect the high earners because their tax pays for so much education/life saving operations. I respect the low earners as they take care of some of the toughest jobs - nursing/teaching etc. Ultimately it's up to me to work to the financial goals I want to reach and same goes for everyone else.

It’s amazing how different people view wealth.
my son has a decent salary, built his own home, has a mortgage and a nice lifestyle for him his wife who also works and his children.
When with friends one evening he said to the group we are all wealthy as he compared his and their lifestyle to being in work, being able to afford holidays etc.
many disagreed. They give generously to charity and try to do their bit in the community.
They looked at things differently and maybe this person does too although it looks to me like he's pretty wealthy

So basically your friends should walk on egg-shells as god-forbid they would not "acknowledge their privilege " as you deem appropriate 😓

Well no eggshells are necessary @Animatic. Because as a rule, we all choose friends who have similar views or who can at least respect our own. So the chances are that a rich, white person with lots of privilege who also thinks that they got where they are entirely on talent and hard work and who gets defensive if asked about their privilege is less likely to be my friend in the first place. Just like racist people wouldn't need to tip toe around me because we wouldn't be friends from the start.

Other people don't see this sort of thing as important so they'll find friends who also don't care and who care about the same things they do. Good. Everyone should have friends.

Sadly people who are privileged very rarely realise the impact that it has had on their lives.

There is a very well known poster here who consistently repeats that she never had any help, that she made it on her own and set out to get a job that would earn her over 100 pounds an hour.

The privately educated daughter of a practice owning GP.