Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

[Selman]

I have one friend who is ridiculously well off, at least to me!
His parents owned a company they sold in the mid 2000s, no idea how much for but a good amount!
He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year. He has one child who he sends to a very expensive prep school, has a nanny for and spends thousands on her hobbies.
Tonight we were talking about politics etc. when a friend mentioned that he is extremely privileged. He became very defensive and disagreed as he works like everyone else and his daughter will have to as well (she will be gifted a 3 bedroom flat worth over 1mil and a trust fund).
He made a big deal about his parents not being very smart with the proceeds of the sale of their company in his opinion as "other than rental income" they don't have any real investments. He kept going on about how he HAS to work. When it was pointed out if he sold his house and moved into a perfectly lovely 1mil house he wouldn't have to work he got more defensive.
Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income.
Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

What way would you like him to be showing his awareness persistently.

Are you white/male/able bodied/heteronormative/etc because if any of the above, how are you demonstrating your awareness to everyone lest they think you unaware?

Don’t see why you would need to point out his privilege or not in a friendly chat amongst friends. Do you point out people’s lack of privilege aswell in your group? Seems bizarre to me. It’s not got much to do with the general political picture. Just vote whoever you all want to and keep political chat impersonal. It’s not about who has what in the room you’re in. Tbh I would think he is likely to not want to spend as much time with you all now - if he has had to defend himself to this degree I expect he will feel uncomfortable.

I live in an agricultural area where it's not uncommon for families to own huge wealth through farm ownership but they wouldn't necessarily think of themselves as wealthy or live an extravagant life. Depending on your views on capitalism, your friends family created wealth and employment. They eventually reaped the rewards of this and your friend is enjoying the benefits of their endeavours.
Why get hung up on his wealth or concern yourself with it.

This.

Totally agree with this.

I would add that from what you describe your group were pestering him repeatedly about his wealth as if he had not made any effort and was living of his parents, which is unfair as he is working at a high level and making good money out of it.

Having a 5 million house is not the same as having 5 million in your current account. He can only use that money if he sells it and I bet it costs a an absolute fortune to maintain.

The fact that most of us are not blessed with equally good fortune does NOT mean that we can look down on him.

In that instance, op would be inviting comments from strangers on her financial situation, so people commenting on it is reasonable.

In the situation getting discussed, there was no such invitation. The man with the houses was put on the spot by supposed friends. He didn't ask for comments, they were unsolicited, pointed and unnecessary.

It's not the same.

It sounds like you're on different pages. No need to make a big production of it just bow out.

Gracefully.

This thread is bonkers. Being reminded of your privilege isn’t an attack, it isn’t a demonstration of jealousy. The OP and her friend didn’t expect him “to parade (his) guilt” or look miserable. All they were looking for was a “yeah, I know, I was really lucky”. And if he is so blinkered to not see that luck then he’s unlikely to be someone I’d be able to call a friend.

That goes for the millionaires I know and the non-millionaires. It’s not about their money, it’s about their perspective.

@NeverEnoughPants Where does it say he was put on the spot?

The OP said they were discussing politics which lead to another friend commenting he was privileged. I inferred that to mean a conversation & view lead to that comment rather than it coming out of nowhere. I could be wrong though.

This in spades.

If he is otherwise a good person, I would cut him some slack. And perhaps avoid talking money/finances? In the grand scheme of things what will you gain if he admits he is privileged? Am betting you will not find the satisfaction or validation or whatever it is you are seeking.

If on the other hand, he thinks every poor person deserves it or needs to be shot to improve the per capita gdp (I see no evidence he feels that way) then end the friendship. You don't have to explain. Might be a tad sanctimonious

It very much sounds like he was put on the spot. Someone making a personal comment about someone else in a group situation during a discussion about a general topic is pretty much the definition of being put on the spot. If he was expecting it, he would probably come up with a more thought out response.

I would be very uncomfortable if I was your friend and had been attacked like that. His family's asset and financial position are completely private. You force him to say he is privileged...what's the point in trying to demean him. Sorry but you sound obsessed and jealous. If my friend started having a go at me over my financial position, I would feel very uneasy.

I think Op, its envy on your part, but having lots also costs lots..

I have a very good friend from school who lives in a 16 bedroom stately home, passed down through the generations. I live in a 3 bed house.

I'm not envious at all, whilst it looks perfect, my house is mine, mortgage now gone, minimal costs.

He has to literally scratch around for different ideas (weddings, events etc) to make enough cash to fix the latest roof leak, sort some dry rot, etc etc... not to mention the council tax 😀

People get defensive when others attack them.
He knows he is well off but he doesn't want people noses reminding him, he is having his life with his ups, downs and although money is not a struggle, he has other struggles.
The ones who pointed something obvious are the unreasonable ones.
Please, end the friendship he will be better without people like you around.

Politics is generally a pretty divisive subject which as I said is likely what lead to the discussion which lead to the comment but you can disagree.

Your friendship group shouldn’t have made the discussion personal by assuming that his life was fair game in a discussion about politics.

Up to you.
If you like them apart from the flaw carry on the friendship..
People everywhere can't spot their privilege.

If he was bringing up conversations where he was saying if only people worked harder they could have what he had then I would agree that he is a twat and I would stop contact. That's not what happened though was it? I wouldn't be surprised if he drops the friendship now and I wouldn't blame him.

He’s blind if he thinks he’s not privileged.

He probably does work hard though if he’s on that amount of money.

The thread is titled unaware of privilege so I’ve taken that to assume he said something to indicate that but maybe my comprehension is off.

Where you have a group of people, differences between their circumstances are often difficult to negotiate. I’ve always assumed this is partly why some better off people often seem to find it hard to acknowledge the role that inherited wealth or class advantage has played in their financial position.

But it’s a personal journey of understanding, and attempting to force someone to get someone to see things as you do will be unproductive and experienced as an attack. Your friend could well be feeling very hurt or angry by now.

As to the AIBU, it comes down to whether you can tolerate a difference of opinion and circumstances between you and your friend. I would not end a friendship over this unless he was utterly, repeatedly insensitive about his relative wealth and criticised people who are less well off e.g ‘ for not working hard enough’.

Personally, I really like to have friends who are different from me. We can learn from our friends, not just create our own echo chambers. I think it’s helpful to know that people we disagree with aren’t monsters from another planet, but ordinary, kind, funny, intelligent people with a different perspective.

Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income. Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

So up until this conversation, I’m assuming you considered him to be a decent person? He’s never expressed a belief that he’s superior because he has more money than anyone else? He’s never suggested that there is no excuse for poverty because he managed to get a good job? He’s never tried to make anyone feel inferior? He just said something a bit daft and instead of rolling your eyes and laughing, you want to cut him out of your life?

I don’t care about how much he has as long as he knows he’s privileged That’s a very odd condition to put on your friendship. What does it matter if he doesn’t realise how privileged he is, if he’s not banging on about money all the time? What’s your own financial situation? (I don’t actually want to know, I just want you to reflect on it for a minute). Do you have a mortgage? Do you go on holiday every year? Can you go out for a meal without having to save for it? Do you express your own sense of privilege to your friends who have less than you do? How many friends do you even have that are single parents, living on universal credit in a council house, I wonder? Do you pop round for a cup of tea and talk about how privileged you are to have your nice house in a nice area with good schools? No? Why not? If any of them start haranguing you about only having a better income than them because your parents helped you to go to university, would you feel ashamed of your privilege? Or feel a bit put out because you’d put some hard work in there too?

End the friendship if you want to, but I don’t think he’ll have lost out on much. You don’t sound like a very nice friend.

I have an ex friend who kept banging on about my privilege. My privilege, as she saw it, was that I was married and had a dual income. We were both in the same profession, but she was single and didn't want to be. Every sentence began with " But you have a husband to help you pay for X and Y'. Yes, I did but was I supposed to divorce to make her feel better?

It got immensely tedious and I felt constantly attacked. Your friend probably feels the same way.