Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

[Selman]

I have one friend who is ridiculously well off, at least to me!
His parents owned a company they sold in the mid 2000s, no idea how much for but a good amount!
He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year. He has one child who he sends to a very expensive prep school, has a nanny for and spends thousands on her hobbies.
Tonight we were talking about politics etc. when a friend mentioned that he is extremely privileged. He became very defensive and disagreed as he works like everyone else and his daughter will have to as well (she will be gifted a 3 bedroom flat worth over 1mil and a trust fund).
He made a big deal about his parents not being very smart with the proceeds of the sale of their company in his opinion as "other than rental income" they don't have any real investments. He kept going on about how he HAS to work. When it was pointed out if he sold his house and moved into a perfectly lovely 1mil house he wouldn't have to work he got more defensive.
Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income.
Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

Is he a nice friend otherwise?

Think when people use the word ‘privilege’ in such a pejorative way, they shouldn’t be surprised when people get a bit pissy with them. Being wealthy, or having any other perceived privilege doesn’t make them better than those without - but it also doesn’t make them worse and this guy is rightly affronted at being treated like a pariah. For all you know he donates insignificant amounts to charity and volunteers in the community but simply doesn’t run everyone’s nose in it.

This guy, despite the financial wealth of his family and the fact that it sounds as though he could have chosen never to work a day in his life, clearly works hard if he’s earning 200k pa - and YES I know that teachers/nurses etc also work hard for less money but it doesn’t negate that he earns it. Instead of celebrating success, of encouraging people to aspire to do well, we’ve become a mean-spirited nation that beats people over the head if they dare to want a bigger home, a nicer car or even to ship in effing Waitrose. And don’t get me started on individual choices to spend money on their children’s education…

This bloke should just dump OP and her mate.

Cutting people off, and going no contact are part of cancel culture but you lose a lot when you remove people from your life. Feeling uncomfortable and challenged helps us refine our thinking and grow as people. Friendship is supposed to have some friction. You can go online and easily find a community of people to share your views on just about anything. But real life relationships shouldn’t be based on homogeneity.

I'm not quite sure how tax works in the UK as I'm South African, but surely he is paying his share in taxes, rates etc? Yes it is unfair that there are such huge disparities in wealth, but I would blame that on government policies etc, not individuals who happen to be where they are as an accident of birth.

He's just human, and yes, being blind to one's privilege can be annoying but it's not some huge moral sin. I have friends who are much more well off than I am, but I don't begrudge them that, as the most important thing is that they treat me and everyone else equally, with kindness and respect.

It's the snobs, greedy unscrupulous corporates, politicians etc we should be angry with, not our own friends who didnt choose the circumstances of their birth.

Small thing but people are assuming this chap works a job and draws a salary when the OP could read that the £200k annually is income from renting his properties, interest on savings, other types of “private income” - investments etc.

Slightly beside the wider point of this discussion but would be good to clarify.

He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year

I am brown with a funny foreign name which has held me back in the workplace to an extent. I don't think I would have any white friends if I kept wanting them to " acknowledge their privilege". So unnecessary and often very reductive.

Meanwhile, I have a lot of privilege over a Palestinian refugee. But in conversation, I don't expect to be attacked about this.

Anyways this to me is the best post on the thread and an important reminder to all.

I have a friend who often mentions her mil paid for this and her dad gave her x amount of money. Me and other friend are single parents BUT we are very aware we earn above average wage and are OK, unlike many single parents. We roll our eyes and mutter she doesn't live in the real world.

I think she's insecure tbh. Most privileged people are out of touch I'm afraid!

I wouldn't end a friendship in this scenario, unless he was being braggy.

@Lentilweaver So none of your whites friends recognise there is white privilege?

And if she didn’t mention this, people would no doubt accuse her of concealing it. In situations like this people can’t win.

@Pollipops1 of course they do, but I don't attack them personally out of nowhere in the middle of an unrelated conversation. We have sometimes discussed this in the context of a book or a news event. But not like " Hey Abigail, please acknowledge your white privilege before the BBQ". Also privilege is never entirely simple. I have more privilege than some white working class people who had terrible toxic parents.

I never discuss my own financial affairs with anyone myself. Nobody would know if I had several properties ( I don't). That might be the takeaway to avoid envy.

Unless he is more than a friend, his financial affairs are neither yours nor anybody else’s business to criticise or pass judgement on, -just the same as your own finances are completely private.
HMRC is the only government body any person needs to answer to about their finances and they will ensure he is paying the correct amount of tax on his earnings and income.

The friend who questioned him and made him account for himself and his finances is the friend I would drop as that friend has no manners.

If your wealthy friend has an active dislike to people less well off than himself then you wouldn’t be friends with him in the first place. So I’m sure that isn’t true of him.

Only if he started to reveal himself as uncaring/intolerant/flippant/superior towards people less well off than himself, would I begin to question my friendship with him.

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

What’s your definition of ‘the real world’ and why are you so certain that you do live in it?

To those living in war zones or where you have to work to eat or starve everyone in the uk is extremely privileged.

He is certainly privileged but he hasnt inherited billions and he's working. The houses may be mortgaged to the hilt. If he denied any sort of advantage he'd be a bit of a twat but denying he has worked with and for what he now has makes anyone else present also twattish.

It's not unusual for privileged people to fail to understand how poverty can adversely affect life choices. They tend to assume they'd escape because they have drive and ambition and dont realise how much of that is down to the environment in which they were raised, the food they were given, the schooling they received. If you have a problem with that either help to educate him or stop talking politics.

@Lentilweaver But the OP is titled ‘unaware of privilege’, what about that makes you think he was/is aware of his privilege? Where does it say the conversation was unrelated and the comment came out of nowhere? They were discussing politics which I assume adds to the context.

Sometimes people go into shock/denial if you point something out they're not ready to hear. He might not have contemplated this before. Give him a minute to process it perhaps?

YABU to want to end a friendship over ThIS, but he is also annoying to not see that getting 10mm worth of stuff for free is enormously lucky and that he won the womb lottery… best response in those dialogues is acknowledge it and just move on.
I have a friend who will inherit roughly 10-15mm ( after tax) at some point.. she told me “it’s not that much” , I told her she was being ridiculous and then we moved on…

It sounds like you and your friend attacked him and when he didn’t respond as you wanted you’ve labelled him.
I think the friendship probably is at an end but you’re not on the moral high ground you think you are.

I'm not surprised he got defensive as he was defending himself from judgment and criticism.

It sounds as if the point he was making was that he and his dc do need to work, and that he works hard. You hit a sore point. He doesn't want to be seen as someone with no value, or who doesn't contribute.

I wouldn't end a friendship if I was in your position, but if I was in his shoes I wouldn't rush to see you again.

I have issues with this. I have some privilege as a consequence of my dad passing away when I was quite young, marrying someone who had a good job and being sensible with money in my 20s. I know it's a privilege but at the same time I don't need to be reminded of it. My net worth at 50 is nearly £2.5m. I struggle when people want to remind me of my privilege.

Firstly, I didn’t choose for my dad to pass away and leave me money. I would have rather he lived to a good age. I also didn't choose for my marriage to break down and as PP have said, the everyone works nowadays.

Secondly, what are you trying to achieve from reminding me? What do you want me to do about it? I give money to charity, work in a regular job and live a regular life. There's nothing else I can do about it.

Sick of these threads where people are just so bitter about someone who have more. He isn't the twat here.

Sick of these threads where people are just so bitter about someone who have more.

I understood the thread to be not about the fact he has more but the fact he doesn’t appear to think he has more. The OP has been friends with him a long time so presumably she hasn’t spend the last decade or so resenting him for having more?

@CharlieDickens presumably no one believes you wanted your dad do die young or your marriage to break up. Perhaps they are reminding you that plenty of people lose their parents young or have broken marriages but don’t inherit anything?

Yeah tbh I agree.
I feel like he was being defensive and trying to justify himself because in this upside down world lots of people act like "privilege" is a bad thing and people use it to have a dig at others.

I'm piss poor, I live on a grotty council estate, I own nothing and sadly have nothing of worth to pass onto my children. I would love to be privileged like the friend and although I'd probably have some jealousy (honestly i think that's natural when you don't have much), I wouldn't ever hold it against a friend or expect them to hold particular views about their wealth. He's supposed to be your friend.

I worked hard at school, career etc but my financial security has come from getting on the London housing ladder. I only did this with significant help and without that no matter how hard I worked I wouldn’t have what I have now. I’ve never felt judged for that but I’ve never not recognised the benefit of that help. Of course there are plenty in far better circumstances than me but plenty are in worse.