To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

This isn’t the case at all. The vast majority of people on this thread have said emphatically that OP is NBU. Meanwhile, on threads where women post that they are concerned about step parents overstepping boundaries into parenting, they are told that it’s none of their business and they have to deal with it because that’s dads new partner and they are a new family now. So actually the double standard is the opposite.

Mumsnet is very pro the position that woman who marry men with kids have no obligations to them whatsoever , and if they go on to have more kids with said man, they should always (naturally) put themselves and their own bio children first, regardless of the hurt and fall out that that may cause to their DPs previous children.

Yes I get that she will be in my life for aslong as I’m in his but saying that same old line ‘ should have thought of it before’ is over 10 years too late. It’s useless advice or even pointing it out.

But they are not full biological siblings? They are half siblings. They have different mums and therefore will have different life outcomes and opportunities in life because of that. Why should my child put up with always sharing holidays, big days out etc when dsd gets that with her mum and gets that 1:1 time? Why don’t my kids deserve that if that’s what they wanted? As they are not full siblings.

DSD isn’t my child though? My 2 children are mine and they are the two I need to put first. I need to be kind and caring towards dsd which I am when she’s here but I won’t put her feelings before my kids when it’s something her own mum could do to make it equal.

Ouch. I was in agreement with you taking your biological kids (as long as stepdaughter wasn’t rattling around your house alone while her dad was at work), but the comments above are pretty hurtful. As a stepchild myself, I can really emphathise with your stepdaughter on this one. She’s really being “othered” here…”they are not full siblings”, “why should my child put up with sharing”, “why don’t my kids deserve”, “ my 2 children are mine and they are the two I need to put first”, “I won’t put her feelings before my kids”.

SD shouldn’t be put above everyone else, but she shouldn’t be “othered” either.

I stand by what I said in the scenario I was talking about.. which isn’t even real.
They are not full siblings, that’s just a fact although no one says it in real life.
Why should my children share every memory with me if they don’t want to? If they want 1:1 time with just me? Just like dsd gets with her mum. What’s actually wrong with that?

Why don’t my kids deserve to have a holiday with just their mum if that’s what they want?
and of course I’m going to put my kids first sometimes, I’m their mum. If I don’t, who will?

Obviously. It’s clear as day that you DGAF.

I already updated the thread that Iv booked it, guilt free.

@LilyPanda I would leave the thread. The problem is, you are dealing with posters whose biggest fear is the day their DH leaves and meets someone else. They fear that lack of control over theirs and their kids lives so they come on here and take it out on women like you. Do you think any of these posters would be happy with their kids stepmum taking them away on holiday? No, it's the control over their ex and his new household they like the idea of.

You have every right to do whatever you wish with your children. They have one mother, you. Same as your dsd. No one else has any right to tell you what you can and can't do with your children. If you didn't put your kids first you would be a bad mother.
Go on the holiday with your kids, enjoy the time with them and don't feel one ounce of guilt.

Do you have dsd 50/50 or part time?
Will dsd get a holiday with her own mum?

Oh I see she lives with her mum most of time. No, her mum needs to take her own daughter on holiday. I wouldn't dream of expecting my exes girfriend to take my boy away alone without his father just because they had more children (although if they offered when he's older and I thought he'd be safe and happy there then I'd let him go of course)

I found myself hoping that the SD's biological mum is wonderful and treats her really well, as it couldn't be more clear that she's very much a second class citizen in her dad's family.

I remember that too!!

Yet another hypocrisy and double standard often demonstrated on step parenting threads.
on the one hand its:
They have different mums and therefore will have different life outcomes and opportunities in life because of that.

On the other it’s:
Why should my child put up with always sharing holidays, big days out etc when dsd gets that with her mum and gets that 1:1 time.

So it’s fine when things are different for your step child and she doesn’t get the same opportunities as your DC (going on this holiday). No need to try to make things equal and fair because life isn’t like that and it will never be possible to make things the same. (This is true).

But when it comes to your kids, it’s all about giving them the same opportunities as SC to make things equal/ fair?

Actually none of this has anything to do with fairness. Things will never be exactly the same between your DC and SC. Your DC have the opportunity to live with both parents and have their father full time. Your SC doesn’t have that.
Your SC has her mother all the time without any step siblings in the way. Your DC have that most of the time, but not all of the time. This was the arrangement you birthed them into.

The issue here is not one of fairness or sameness or equality; the issue is about inclusion , and SC’s feelings of being valued / loved in her Dad’s home (this is crucial for a child’s sense of self worth and self esteem and her relationship with her dad). The question is: does excluding SC from this holiday make her feel “less than”, “not wanted”, “not part” or her dad’s family and her supposed second home. That is what you should be concerned about and seeking to establish before making any decisions here.

But I don’t think you want to hear any of this and anyway you have already made your decision..

Unfortunately SD's mother is the type of woman who expects her ex's wife to take her child on holiday instead of her. I'm guessing this lack of pride and entitlement shows in other ways too. What she could have done and indeed should have done, is told her daughter that the OP's children deserve time with their mum just like SD does hers. Kids aren't daft, they don't need stepmum to act like their mum. What fucks them up is the other adults expectations. Those expectations always come from a desire to control, lack of pride and an idea that someone else will do your parenting for you. I feel for the kids whose actual parents are so entitled and have no self respect. Those kids never grow up to be fully rounded adults.

@LilyPanda honestly this thread is getting a bit odd now.
It's not unreasonable to go away without the 16 year DSD! I think posters are forgetting she is 16! 16 year olds don't always want to do everything with their younger siblings. They are not highly dependent on parents for everything and as the child of divorced inevitably will have a different experience growing up to her half siblings who don't have divorced parents.
They cannot be equalised because they are not the same. You're taking your kids away on a week that DSD is not around. You aren't leaving her alone and she's with her mum. I'd be pretty hacked off if my exH wife took my kids away on one of my weeks without asking me or assuming I'd be fine with it.
YANBU!

Oh stop it with your brazen misogyny and how the other mum must be entitled, controlling and lazy. Maybe SC is feeling hurt , or mum is worried she is going to, and is just trying to advocate for her child.

Brazen misogyny? Damn, that's a new one, though seeing as though I am defending a stepMOTHER I don't see how that works. Also when I speak of the expectations of other adults I mean both parents. Didnt think I would have to spell that out but there you go. Luckily, the OP has a good one who gets it.
FYI, the misogyny is telling a stepMOTHER she just needs to do more, give more and that her own childrens wants and needs don't matter.
DSD gets to spend time with her mum, the OP's kids do too. Can you explain why you have a problem with that? I'm going to go with no. You can't.

@Iaskedyouthrice read this.

@Tandora Again, why is it not ok for the OP to take her own children away? Can you answer that?

The point you make about the OP's children living with both parents is invalid. The OP's DH and his ex made the decision to separate. It isn't up to the OP to make up for that decision. That's up to DSD's father to manage. Sensibly. It's not a job to be pushed on to the next woman. Cos that would be misogynistic wouldn't it?

I would also like to point out that I do disagree with the OP on one thing, I would encourage my DH to take away DSD on his own. I'd encourage him to spend 1:1 time with all of his children actually but I do think it's especially important with children from the 'first' family. Just to touch base, connect away from younger children etc and keep that bond going.

Imagine arguing that it’s wrong to spend 1:1 time with your own children 🥴

Nobody is arguing that. straw man.

But it’s also absolutely fine and a great idea as many, many pps have said that the father has a weekend/holiday away with his dc. I mean what harm would that actually be @LilyPanda, that your dh goes away with his own daughter, yes I know he has 3 dcs which you keep insisting would have to go too but it’s probably something she would really like and remember forever. It’s not going to massively affect you like you keep saying your holiday won’t affect her so why not?
I’m sure your dh would actually like it too. Sixteen is a really formative age and an age where it’s really good for parents to check in and spend some really quality time with their teenagers. As you mentioned re. not wanting to share your kids time with a step sibling maybe she would also like that for once with her father. She’s the one who’s had to deal with her mum and dad splitting and her father living somewhere else and not with her full-time. That’s obviously very hard for a child . I think to just be empathetic and see things from her side. There’s nothing wrong with you going away with your dcs to spend time with you but there’s also nothing wrong with your SD spending with her dad regardless of the fact that he has 3 children , they are her step siblings and the dad and her should get the choice and opportunity to spend time together. My best friend’s father also spilt with her mother and she had half siblings and her dad did make an effort to bring her away on her own or have more than a pizza and cinema on their own, massively helped her relationship long-term as she has really fond memories of this. She felt special and wanted. One to one holidays are important for you , they are important for your sd.

But OP has said that SD is only entitled to 1:1 time with her mum, not her dad.

The OP's DH and his ex made the decision to separate. It isn't up to the OP to make up for that decision

I didn’t say it was OP’s job to make up for that decision. I said the very opposite. The point I was making was questions about who gets what and trying to make circumstances equal/ the same are erroneous. Things will never be the same between the children, their circumstances are different. Thats why it is hypocritical of OP to point to SC and say “well she gets this so why shouldn’t my dc have the same!?”

The only question of relevance here is - does SC feel valued, included , loved in her dad’s family/ home and will OP taking her kids away on this holiday compromise that? ( I’ve already explained why that matters.) Perhaps this isn’t an issue at all. SC is 16 and may have no interest in this holiday with her step mum and siblings. But it’s a question that should be considered/ thought through before decisions are made.

What OP’s children are getting is a holiday with their mother. What OP’s stepdaughter isn’t getting is a holiday with her mother. If the stepdaughter’s mother wants her child to get the same as OP’s kids, then it’s on her to provide the holiday.

But when it comes toyourkids, it’s all about giving them the same opportunities as SC to make things equal/ fair?

No, when it comes to OPs kids father it's all about being equal and fair.

The father has three children. He cannot single out one for special treatment.
The OP has two children. Same rule applies.

My DS is 5 and starting to ask questions about why DSD, his half sister, is off with Dad again, just those two. He doesn't get that time equivalent, she has to be included in everything and concessions made to her needs and preferences.
She's not more his child than my children so it's not going to be acceptable in the long run and things will have to change long before he reaches the ages of OPs kids. There's only so much redirecting of attention I can do to cover for it.