To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

I would say dsd's mother is deplorable for not taking her child on holiday @Outliers . Disgraceful. OP and her DH are taking dsd away in October.

What’s deplorable about 2 children spending some quality time doing with their mum?

Nothing deplorable about it.
Just a mum, taking away her children and making sure they have the best childhood I can give them as their mother.

As I say, absolutely your right. Enjoy the holiday

How dare you be a loving, caring parent to your children by making sure they enjoy their childhood and have happiness in their lives!

Some people would rather your children could do nothing without SD but have no issue with her doing nice things with her mother, no cure for such bitterness and resentment.

Hope you and your children have a wonderful holiday 😊

FWIW I am a SC, my step father was the one who included me in family things while my mother excluded me at large. I lived with them and 3 younger siblings full time.
At 15 I was working and they went away without me, he actually asked if I wanted to go too, she didn't. A week of working and spending time with my friends at my gran's was definitely my choice over a holiday with 12, 10 and 9 year old siblings.

Couldn’t just say it without putting a shitty remark in there first could you.

OP, have a lovely holiday with your children and put this thread out of your mind.

You have published your situation on an open forum for, I'm assuming, for a range of views; as opposed to just to gain positive reinforcement of your own perspective.

In which case, it's prudent to be able stomach the views that strongly conflict with your own.

I strongly feel it's distasteful and unkind to exclude your children's sibling, purely on the basis of biology when she has been related to you for several years.

I'm just a stranger on the Internet with no vested interest in your life. You are free to do as you please.

For those asking what you can do with DC when DSC aren’t around, I guess you look at what you’d do with your own children.

So if I was at the park with DD2 & not DD1, then yes I would buy her an ice cream. Comparing that to a holiday in Spain is laughable.

If I do a bigger treat with just one of them, then I will balance it out with the other at another time. It’s a lot easier because they both live with me full time. I appreciate it’s harder with blended families, but surely that means being more careful to get it right.

Clearly I’m free to do as I please. As I already am before you posted.

That was in reply to posters suggesting that DH should count his contributions to DSD’s holidays as being part of what he pays in CMS. I disagree with this.

I’m sure you will tell us that your DH is generous with his financial support, so it wasn’t actually aimed at you.

Well I disagree with giving extra to his ex to take dsd on holiday so it won’t be happening anyway.

I also won’t be commenting on any CMS amounts as it’s not relevant to the thread at all.

@Shelby2010

If CMS shouldn't be used then mum should just use her own wages to pay to take her own daughter on holiday... she clearly has no other children otherwise is would be unfair on them if their sister went on holiday without them.... so.... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Surely it's simple? Op is the dm of her dc and is taking them away.
Dsd has a dm who can also take her dc away.. The df of all the dc isn't going with any of his dc...

It's interesting OP that you keep saying I don't agree with this so it won't be happening (ref. Taking his daughter on a trip himself, or giving money to the Ex to take his daughter on a holiday)

If your husband wanted to take his daughter away on a break alone, you wouldn't allow him? Does he not have any agency of his own? You sound very controlling.

Indeed, good luck with that. You should lovely

He wouldn’t take 1 of his children away without them all. I know that because I know him. So I don’t need to ‘not allow’ him.

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone that already has kids then you must treat them the same as your own children. Your feelings are completely irrelevant. You may want to just spend time with your own biological children but what you want comes second to the needs/feelings of the child. This child will obviously feel excluded if you don’t take her, feelings of being unwanted/ not part of her dad’s ‘real’ family will likely stay with her for the rest of her life. As the adult who chose this relationship, that is totally down to you and your partner, the child did not choose this lifestyle. It is your job as her step mum, to make her feel as wanted and as loved by you as your own children. Yes that’s hard and would be impossible for some but then you shouldn’t enter into a relationship with a man with kids. You should absolutely be taking her on this holiday.

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone that already has kids then you must treat them the same as your own children
There is no "you must" when it comes to how people choose to arrange their family life. My DH certainly doesn't expect this of me.
Your feelings are completely irrelevant
OPs feelings on how to conduct her relationship with her own children are extremely relevant.
You may want to just spend time with your own biological children but what you want comes second to the needs/feelings of the child
What about the wants/needs/feelings of OPs children and their right to be extra special to their own mother?

The point where you say my feelings are completely irrelevant is something I whole heartily disagree on. My feelings are never irrelevant and as a parent In general I don’t agree that our feelings should always come second to that of a child. Sometimes yes but not every time.

Not that this has happened but Which child would ‘win’ if one of mine said they just wanted a holiday with me Their mum as dsd gets holidays with her mum and they want some 1:1 time? Or is it just a case that dsd always gets what she wants?

Also for everyone that keeps trotting out the line of ‘shouldn’t enter a relationship with a man blah blah’ … you are over 10 years too late.

I don’t get what you mean that “you are over 10 years too late”. I think people I just trying to point out that the decision you made to be with a man with kids has long term repercussions. That child will be in you life as long as it’s in his and that was your choice. If you made that choice 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 1 year ago so what, you made it, the child didn’t.

If your biological child said they didn’t want to go on holiday with your step child then I would treat that exactly the same as if your biological child said they don’t want to go on holiday with your other biological child. I personally would be looking to build their relationship and sort out what issues they have that they feel like they don’t want to go on holiday with their sibling. I wouldn’t be saying ok, I’ll take you on holiday and leave my other child at home!

Maybe irrelevant was too strong a word but I do believe that I would not make a decision because it’s what I wanted knowing that it would hurt the feelings of my child. I would always put their feelings first. If you know you will be hurting your step daughter by taking her siblings away without her and your ok with that then I’d say that’s wrong and if I were her dad I definitely wouldn’t be happy with your attitude towards my child.

I'm actually always on the step kids side, as I had a horrible step mum who didn't want me anywhere near her family, and hated the fact that my dad had previous baggage.. over 35 years she never ever warmed up to me, I just learned to keep quiet as a kid and I eventually cut off contact with them as an adult, when I realised I could actually choose to stop trying to be part of their family.

But I think people here are being a bit extreme.. I think you should treat step children as if they were your own children when they are with you, and you should work to make sure that all their needs are met while they are in your care.. but that doesn't necessarily mean they are all treated 'exactly the same', because that isn't how you treat your own children.

For instance if DSD wanted to do something age appropriate with either her dad or step mum, like go to the cinema, or go for a girlie afternoon etc, they shouldn't be told no, or made to include the younger ones just because of "fairness", as that isn't really what you'd do in real life.

I think this holiday being not in DSD time with them and not including their dad is reasonable that she wouldn't be asked to go, it obviously has bothered the dad to some extent otherwise he wouldn't have asked op to take her, but he could use the opportunity while they are away to spend a bit of one on one time with his daughter, which I'm sure DSD would much prefer then a few days away with her stepmum and half siblings, and IMO he should make some time for her, but something tells me he won't!

I don't understand half these posters! Op you have every right to just take ur kids away, spend time with just your own kids! Having a step child when their actual parent isn't present, changes the dynamic.
Just bc you married a man with a child, doesn't mean you can't spend alone time/holiday with ur own kids.
The ex won't take ur kids on holiday to enjoy with dsd - their half sibling, so why are you expected to do this?

And you y certainly don't owe additional money to dsd just bc they are missing out. In reality she isn't missing out, bc ur kids are spending time with their mum just like dsd spends 1:1 time with her own mum doing whatever they do.

FFS.
loudly for those at the back:

ITS NOT THE SAME.

the end.