Scary how men just move on so quickly

[Gobsmackedtobehonest]

My Dsis friend has been married for 10 years, together for 14 with him and they have a 6 year old son. Things tricky for a while with the wife feeling things weren’t going great, her Dh not as supportive and staying out later (but always stayed out due to job and very sociable person)
It’s come to light recently that he told her he’s met someone else, madly in love with her, brings out the best in him and so on. He’s moved out, moving in with her, set up a bedroom for the child to stay in when he visits. Basically left them with no money or cares about how they will cope with rent and so on, left dog, doesn’t seem bothered. Whole world they had together just..gone..just like that
This was a young, gorgeous couple, a really good team and madly in love with each other

It’s scary

What?
No.
Before it was difficult for a man to vet a divorce but women did not have access to own money, social stigma etc. so men were free to cheat and be abusive and women had to shut up and put up with it.
Where they could go as jobless, homeless leaving children in care of other woman and madex?

@contrary13 you've got a lot of awful men in your family by the sounds of it!

And my daughter has a house, where she pays for everything, whilst her 30 year old gamer boyfriend reaps the benefit of her doing everything for him (literally - he had a hernia operation, really simple procedure, my father and son have both had exactly the same operation and been back on their feet within a week... this man amongst men actually asked my daughter to wipe his arsehole for him. Sad thing is that she probably did, she's so desperate to keep hold of him). He's a cocklodger, who prior to moving in with my daughter, had lived with his parents, or with the ex at her parents. But yes; I agree accommodation has to be a part of it, surely!

This really shocked me. Your daughter seems to have such low self-esteem? Do you think it’s related to her Dad abandoning her as a child? Sadly these things do affect children badly no matter how much the parent who stays tries to shield them from the harm caused by the mum/dad who left. It is interesting that she was kind of repeating the cycle by having an affair with someone who also had children and a partner - very depressing.

I agree that people who do this have already checked out.
Most divorces are instigated by women though.
I agree that once a woman has had all the children she wants (or decided she doesn’t want any) then the use for a long term relationship fades.
Women can go on lots of dates and have sex without ever having to commit to a relationship. The same isn’t true for men.
If they want dates and regular sex they usually have to commit to the woman.
I also believe a lot of men just don’t care either way if they have more children.
The new woman wants a child- he will just go along with it. She doesn’t want a child- he will go along with that too. It’s just a way to maintain a relationship.
It’s different for women. They have more to lose by getting pregnant.
Also I believe women don’t/won’t/can’t pretend see to care that much for someone else’s child. Don’t all come shouting but just look on here for evidence.
I know of many step mothers who are complete cunts to their step children.
Men either pretend to care, or actually do care more for step children. So it’s easier for them to take on another man’s children. Maybe it’s because they are more likely to be at work so not alone with them I don’t know, but I really believe this to be the case.
Of course if that relationship breaks down, the man tends just to leave without a backward glance, so maybe the caring is just an act.

People keep repeating the statistics about women initiating divorce, but it’s not that simple. Men will often behave in a way which shows they clearly want out but for some reason they will leave the paperwork to the woman.

I don’t if it’s that they hate the paperwork, there’s a cost involved (?) or it’s a bit like the boyfriends who start treating their girlfriends like crap because they don’t want to actually open their mouths and say it’s over.

I’ve spoke to grown men who say they’re separated for several years and when I ask them why haven’t they filed for divorce they look all confused and say they’re waiting for “her” to do it.

I had a former co-worker who husband was ignoring her, staying out all day and night, not telling her when he was coming back to the house, being rude to her, pulling out the family holiday etc. It was obvious to me he had checked out and wanted her to call time on it. But my friend was desperate to hang onto her marriage and threatened him with divorce if he didn’t communicate what was wrong. He kind of sneered at her and said do what you want. But even when it came out he was having an affair and he had semi-moved into the OWs house he still left it to her to actually initiate the divorce despite it being blatantly obvious that it was him who wanted it and instigated it!

Man's love is of man's life a thing apart, 'tis woman's whole existence.

I think it’s more that a lot of men don’t want to look after themselves and need a mummy-wife so if they find one relationship isn’t working either cheat and move on or jump in very quickly after split.
Also know as cock-lodgers.

I’m 10 years post break up and divorce and can’t even think about another relationship. Kids come first. They were 2&5 when he left and are at secondary now. He, on the other hand, had met another woman within a year - maybe about a year - but she got pregnant very quickly so they moved in together and the kids had to suddenly meet her and prepare for a new baby. The agreed plan was any new relationships wouldn’t introduce kids until they’d been going a while and were definitely long term. They jumped in early. A few years down the line they split up too. Not sure if he’s been seeing anyone since but doesn’t appear to. But I do suspect had the recent ex had got pregnant they maybe wouldn’t have lasted. She was a good 10 years younger than him.

We don't know if it's unrealistic though.
They might stay together a long time.

Whether people agree or not, I’ve seen all too many cases of this happening. The woman feels blindsided and the husband has moved on in a blink of an eye - often not showing much interest in the kids either.

Must have a bit of sociopathy about him. To abandon people without a thought is by its very nature sociopathic behaviour, think Boris Johnson.

YANBU

my now ex husband had fallen for someone else within 3 months of moving out. He told me all about his lovely new girlfriend about 3 days before my dad's funeral 😩

It's not only men that leave under similar conditions.

Women do this too.

My sisters dh did this.

Just shrugged and said "these things happen".

A lot more nasty, narcissistic behaviour as well, awful. Ran away from financial responsibilities.

The legal system absolutely socks for women on lower incomes trying to find a way of raising kids from this kind of deadbeat dad.

I think it's just that the person doing the leaving had decided that it ended long ago. I saw this with my partner, his ex had moved on practically as soon as she'd left him. My guess is she was already seeing the new partner before she broke it off with my partner

@OldPerson What do you mean about them having 8 years before having a child?

Stepmothers will be expected to do more of the childcare than step fathers because childcare is still seen as womens work

5 weeks after my then DH left he met a woman and moved in with her. Within 3 months they were expecting. So fast.

Maybe for some. I'm not expected to do more childcare at all.
I care / lookafter dsc regularly but it's not expected. If I couldn't or in fact didn't want to then dh would take time off or they'd go to inlaws. This has been a case only a handful of times in 10 years.

This will have been in the pipeline for some time. I have raised the problems in our marriage for the last seven years, nothing has changed, so divorcing. Emotionally, I ha e already moved on two years ago.

That’s awful
I hope you are happier now

When it’s this quick it’s been going on for longer.
Basically the person has been cheating. The cheated on person just doesn’t know it.
I think people need to stop and take a step back when they get with someone who already has kids.
There are endless posts on here from women who become the second family and the new man is a complete dick.
Post after post of how he dumps the first set of kids on them expecting them to become the unpaid nanny and servant.
Women need to stop, take a step back and ask themselves do I really want this?
Or should I chuck this one back in pond and find a much better catch?

I think a lot of men just can't be single. Often because they want/need someone to take care of them (cooking/cleaning/kids). But not always.

I know someone not like that at all (he was the SAHP, so very capable on that front and kids grown up now). But the second he was single would be back on the OLD. In fact when he was going through a bit of a rough patch with his current girlfriend he was a bit annoyed that he didn't know if they were splitting up or not so he didn't know whether to get back on the OLD! He thought they split so he went on. But then she said she wanted to try again. So did that mean he should stop?!

Women meanwhile (judging by all the threads here!) finally get sick of looking after a big man baby so when they leave are in no rush to take on another!

27 year relationship. 25 years married.

ex had 6mth affair that he confessed to 15 years into the marriage. Said and did all the right things about it being huge mistake, tried to do more things together yada yada.. found out last year that the affair re started within 6 months of the confession and had continued on and off over the time since. Obviously I ended the marriage on discovery. Within 2 months of my ending the marriage he informs me he has met someone and it’s serious…and it’s not the affair partner either..

yes, some men can only function when they are being adored…

Yeah well years ago women couldn't divorce their husbands even if they were abusive. Thank god we can now leave the relationship without permission.