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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Scary how men just move on so quickly

203 replies

Gobsmackedtobehonest · 08/06/2024 23:03

My Dsis friend has been married for 10 years, together for 14 with him and they have a 6 year old son. Things tricky for a while with the wife feeling things weren’t going great, her Dh not as supportive and staying out later (but always stayed out due to job and very sociable person)
It’s come to light recently that he told her he’s met someone else, madly in love with her, brings out the best in him and so on. He’s moved out, moving in with her, set up a bedroom for the child to stay in when he visits. Basically left them with no money or cares about how they will cope with rent and so on, left dog, doesn’t seem bothered. Whole world they had together just..gone..just like that
This was a young, gorgeous couple, a really good team and madly in love with each other

It’s scary

OP posts:
JanglingJack · 09/06/2024 16:51

PassingStranger · 09/06/2024 14:04

What's the half his age got to do with it?

Would it have been ok, if they'd been his age or two years older than him?🙄

Because it's the second time and there are only 2 years between her and his eldest.

It doesn't sit tight. I fear for her, she may want children one day etc etc.

JanglingJack · 09/06/2024 16:52

JanglingJack · 09/06/2024 16:51

Because it's the second time and there are only 2 years between her and his eldest.

It doesn't sit tight. I fear for her, she may want children one day etc etc.

I also wonder what my niece makes of it all.

commonsense61 · 09/06/2024 16:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

User135644 · 09/06/2024 17:08

zendeveloper · 09/06/2024 16:10

I think no one on the thread disputes that people can and do fall out of love, sometimes for strange or accidental reasons.

The question I have on the topic of the thread is why women seem to be much more able to stay decent even after falling out of love in terms of following through with the promises and agreements made during the relationship, even if romantic feelings are no longer there - in terms of the children, joint assets, wider family impact and so on. When men seem to be able to turn the page over and boom, new wife new life.

They often aren't though. Women file for divorce much more than men and divorce is a big risk factor when it comes to male suicide, particularly if they're blindsided by it. Men who move on quickly are more likely to be the high value man who 'trades the wife in for a younger model' if he's of low character. Most men wouldn't have the options even if they wanted to.

I do think once women reach/pass middle age they're less likely to seek another partner and would prefer to be alone and enjoy solitude and their own space in the house. Whereas older men coming out of a relationship, be it through divorce of bereavement, are more likely to struggle on their own and want to meet someone else.

MaidOfBondStreet · 09/06/2024 18:00

Gobsmackedtobehonest · 08/06/2024 23:08

Who would vote that I’m being unreasonable? 🤷🏻‍♀️

The men on here probably!!! Have you noticed them creeping in to conversations lately mmmmmm?

Gobsmackedtobehonest · 09/06/2024 18:13

@GingerPirate It changes when kids are involved

OP posts:
NeelyOHara1 · 09/06/2024 18:15

I can't help but think that women's empowerment, which is obviously a good thing, has actually given men more freedom in a lot of ways.

Wishingitwaswinter · 09/06/2024 18:46

Until you live with them, then tou don't really know how bad it was and for how long. People lose feelings for a ling tike before they leave.
Sometimes we just meet someone else unexpectedly who we like more than we've ever liked our partner. That's life

Globules · 09/06/2024 19:42

At lunch with bestie today, we were discussing this same thing. We talked about 5 relationships where the men have done exactly this. We couldn't think of any women who had moved on so quickly after 10+ years of relationship.

iolaus · 09/06/2024 19:43

I think it's more that the one who ENDS the relationship moves on faster - because they really started moving on before it ended (mentally if not physically)

AlwaysBlowingLightbulbs · 09/06/2024 19:48

Some women are too.
Years ago my friends mum , just up and left moved in with a bloke and left kids with their dad. Never to be seen again

Dhs ex did similar. Well after he moved out. The following day another guy moved in. There's been 4 'live in, love of her life ' boyfriends since.

It's not just men

Intriguedbythis · 10/06/2024 10:43

Pigeonqueen · 09/06/2024 08:27

I have had this happen to me. Moved from London to Norfolk with then dh and dd aged 5. Whole new life, sold and purchased new house, transferred jobs etc. A year later he upped and left without warning for an ex he’d found on Facebook- when he had been going to visit his Mum in London (whilst I was at work) he’d been meeting up with her 😳 Dd and I never heard from him again! (That was 16 years ago now, I’m now happily remarried).

I think a lot of men don’t see women as anything more than an attractive appliance. If it stops working the way they want it to they just get a new one. Seen it happen many, many times particularly when the woman becomes older or unwell.

This kind of behaviour baffles me. Do their family not disown them? If my brother walked out on his child and never spoke to them again I would go mad , urge him to at least speak and visit them regularly, then disown him if they didn’t!

how do they not get called up on it!!

amazing that you managed and succeeded - must have been SO shocking. ❤️

contrary13 · 10/06/2024 13:56

My parents have been married for 50+ years, my father likes to spout off about how my mother is the one true love of his life at every given opportunity. Yet he's had 3 affairs that I know about, and still talks fondly of the last OW (his secretary, who sadly died a few years ago, estranged from her adult children because of the affair). When my mother was making her will, she told me that her assets were protected from my father being able to get his hands on them, because she knows that he's the sort of man who'll have another woman in the marital home, with a ring on her finger, quickly - and she wants her children and grandchildren to inherit, not some random other woman/her family. Conversely, if my father were to die first, my mother's said that she'd stay single until death.

My ex left me with a 12 and 4 year old, literally on the day his OW had their oldest child, so he definitely moved on very quickly.

My daughter's current partner, was engaged to the mother of his new born child, when they got together 5 years ago. They tell everyone that they've been together for 4 years, because for the first 7 months of the child's life, my daughter was the OW, the 20 year old newly postpartum ex was fighting to keep her family together (he proposed to her, whilst carrying on with my daughter, too, apparently) and the bloke... loving it. And the kicker is, that they also set out to male everyone think that the ex was crazy/psycho, when the poor kid was probably just begging to have her life back; the stable two parent home for her child... (And no, I'm not proud of the behaviour/attitude displayed by my daughter -she knows first hand what it feels like have the rug of fidelity swept from beneath your feet, and to do it to a young first time mother when her baby had virtually only just been born? Despicable, in my opinion.)

It's interesting, though about the accommodation aspect, though. My parents only got married (6 weeks to the day of their first meeting) so that my father could move out of the barracks (Army) and into a married quarter when he was posted abroad. I refused to let my ex move in with me, because as much as I loved him, I knew I'd wind up in prison if I ever lived with him. He lived with his parents, whereas I had my own place (where the children resided overnight). When he and the OW had their first child (she's from Slovakia), the ex-inlaws gave them a house to move in to. And my daughter has a house, where she pays for everything, whilst her 30 year old gamer boyfriend reaps the benefit of her doing everything for him (literally - he had a hernia operation, really simple procedure, my father and son have both had exactly the same operation and been back on their feet within a week... this man amongst men actually asked my daughter to wipe his arsehole for him. Sad thing is that she probably did, she's so desperate to keep hold of him). He's a cocklodger, who prior to moving in with my daughter, had lived with his parents, or with the ex at her parents. But yes; I agree accommodation has to be a part of it, surely!

As for me, it took me well over a decade to start another relationship with someone, because of the hurt my ex caused - I've never felt such rage, twinned with devastation, before... and felt them whilst doing my utmost to keep my kids lives running as normal. It emotionally damaged them both, in different ways.

MumApril1990 · 10/06/2024 14:05

This is true, some men are total turncloaks when their heads are turned and something so little can make them betray their partner. I also think they can fall for a new woman quite easily/ quickly unlike the more rational sex.

My fiancé was planning a wedding with me then a woman at work came on to him, a couple of months later he was asking me to leave, moved her in immediately. I can’t even say we had problems really, seemed to adore me until something tipped the scale!

Wish44 · 10/06/2024 18:23

It seems like some men have a slot that is for the wife/partner. They view the woman who fills it as a domestic appliance/tool. When she ( the tool/appliance) stops behaving as he wants they just get a new one. Cynical I know but I have seen it so often…on the other hand women seem to attach to an individual man … sometimes to the point that they don’t let go when they should… both these attachment styles are a
problem

pixieslove · 10/06/2024 18:24

KitKatChunki · 08/06/2024 23:26

There was a thread on here last week or so where men basically agreed they don't feel as deeply in relationships as women. They couldn't imagine thinking about the other person all day and various other things women do par for the course.

I can well believe it. At the start they seem starry eyed and besotted but we've all seen that fade over the months and the apathy set in. I've maybe been unlucky in love but generally men look at most women with some interest, no matter how taken they are.

I must be a really lucky lady then as I’ve been with my husband from age 17 to now (I’m 39) if anyone looks elsewhere it’s me! I often say so and so is hot, or ask him his opinion on said person and he just says “they’re alright” but doesn’t look elsewhere, no he doesn’t watch porn or work with women either! I coo over Keane reeves at every opportunity!
Though he does not like men looking at me, I don’t mind women looking at him, he’s hot!

I don’t think all men stray in the way of cheating or even looking, but I agree nowadays marriage seems nothing anymore to people, even having kids is nothing anymore!
I don’t get it at all but I seriously feel for anyone looking for a partner with all this bed hopping…
and I really feel for my own kids futures finding a partner with how things are

pixieslove · 10/06/2024 18:27

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/06/2024 00:05

I've always said (and therefore this isn't a personal attack MNHQ - you can search me) that the crying laughing face is the sign of a proper wanker 90% of the time. Goodness knows what a column of them means.

Perfect reply to that post!

Clueless2024 · 10/06/2024 18:28

Gobsmackedtobehonest · 08/06/2024 23:23

I just don’t know, how you’d just fall straight out of love with someone and leave your whole life, especially when kids are involved

You'd be amazed at the bullshit people tell themselves to justify this behaviour. It's not rational.

Ilovecleaning · 10/06/2024 19:07

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 08/06/2024 23:19

Sadly men and women are like that these days. Marriages are not they were years ago

🙄

LifeisHard73 · 10/06/2024 19:16

Firstly He’d already moved on before he left, he’d done his grieving etc before she even knew it was coming. This isn’t just men, in a relationship the person who leaves has been thinking about it for a while, possibly years.

Caveat below- MASSIVE GENERALISATION!

However, where I think men and women differ is getting into a new relationship. I think men need that validation of being desirable and they love the chase and excitement of a new relationship. Plus if they’ve been used to being looked after, they want that too! Oh and men are far more like to have an exit strategy in the form of another women!

Women, even if we instigate the BU need time to regroup. And if we’re heartbroken the thought of being with someone else is just not possible. Also, hands up if you would rather dry up and become a Nun than join a dating site and have to put up with absolute twats sending you dick pics, men who seem decent but then ghost you for no reason, or pricks who claim they want a relationship and then after having sex with you decide they’re not looking for any sort of commitment 🙄…

lemming40 · 10/06/2024 19:23

My guess would be that he's known her for a while. And he had probably already mentally moved on some months ago.

OldPerson · 10/06/2024 20:15

So relationship broke down, like 50% of all relationships.

Together 14 years and still paying rent?

Just where was the plan for the future?

They had 8 years together before they decided to have their child.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/06/2024 20:17

My ex husband did this to me. We were disposable. Long marriage, very young child. OW offered him a big house and money and that was all he could focus on. Better off without him in our lives. She will be too. They are not worth wasting your energy on.

inthenameoftherose · 10/06/2024 20:26

Interested to know what people think being in love means? Is it something you fall out of? Is it just a feeling? If it is then what’s the point of marriage? I’ve always believed love is a verb not a feeling.
It’s a decision to love, to connect, to forgive, to start over. It’s bloody hard but that’s love and surely all our relationships whether with kids, friends or family involve that?

Doubledenim305 · 10/06/2024 20:33

PassingStranger · 09/06/2024 14:04

What's the half his age got to do with it?

Would it have been ok, if they'd been his age or two years older than him?🙄

I think it's extra shitty, because he's showing his superficiality. Ditching a decent woman for a bit of young and unrealistic totty.

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