Scary how men just move on so quickly

[Gobsmackedtobehonest]

My Dsis friend has been married for 10 years, together for 14 with him and they have a 6 year old son. Things tricky for a while with the wife feeling things weren’t going great, her Dh not as supportive and staying out later (but always stayed out due to job and very sociable person)
It’s come to light recently that he told her he’s met someone else, madly in love with her, brings out the best in him and so on. He’s moved out, moving in with her, set up a bedroom for the child to stay in when he visits. Basically left them with no money or cares about how they will cope with rent and so on, left dog, doesn’t seem bothered. Whole world they had together just..gone..just like that
This was a young, gorgeous couple, a really good team and madly in love with each other

It’s scary

Rose coloured spectacles.

No "specs" are required as its is just a fact of the climate at present!!

Men are ruled by their penis and their ego.

There is nothing more and nothing less to it.

The climate at present, is that there is no longer a horrible stigma attached to being divorced.

Women do not have to stay in unhappy marriages anymore like the yesteryear you are harping on about.

But it's not that people moved on quickly once out of a relationship. More that they've already moved on whilst still in it.

I think this is very often the case.

The unhappy person has mentally checked out years before but has muddled along until they find the opportunity to leave.

The person they leave is often blindsided by this, but the fact that they are shows a lack of communication which is surely a sign of a relationship that has broken down.

I think sadly men are very much lone wolfs at heart - they don't really have the same sense of social responsibility that women have, or really care much what other people think of them.

The community that builds up around a marriage or family is very much the woman's doing, and a lot of men can just walk away without their conscience suffering much.

I used to work as a bereavement therapist

many men moved on very very quickly while women (particularly women 70+) appeared to blossom free from years of putting others first it was really lovely to see

i can’t remember any of the women saying they wanted another relationship they were far too busy with their own lives

@SweetFemaleAttitude I agree men and women often stayed in marriages back in the day due to societal stigma and women especially finding it nigh impossible to get ahead financially without a man. I think I’ve heard there were even restrictions on single women having bank accounts /getting loans etc in the UK.

I read plenty of stories from the ‘good old days’ involving cheating and giving women STDs and drinking away their wages or being violent to know that a lot of women must surely have wanted to end the marriage
if they could.

I think affairs - by women too- were more common than we’d think too. If they couldn’t leave they’d at least engage in romance outside of the marriage 👀

Also I find when I read the bio of some famous people I’m often surprised to learn their bio father left the home when they were young. And they were raised by a stepfather or a single mother alone …or sometimes sadly given to orphanages…this was in the 40s,50s,60s.

This is so to the point and true.
I'm grateful that I've been involved with men who were the total opposite of this so the good ones definitely exist. But in general it's true.

Both women and men do it (my mother was one of them), although it's likely more common for men I think. Some people are just happy to stay in a "Okayish" relationship until something better comes along and jump ship. Whereas someone with arguably better morals would either end the relationship before even entertaining meeting someone else, or if they did meet someone else, they'd strictly refuse to pursue it romantically until they'd firmly ended the first relationship

Where you're going wrong is assuming he was still in love with her. He'd probably checked out a long while ago, or maybe he'd always settled and never really loved her.

This. Just because people seem massively loved up, it doesn't mean both of them really feel that way. There's a lot of pressure (especially since social media) to look like a romantic, happy couple. Some people might act that way partly to fool themselves too. It's a well-known concept that the people who are most lovey-dovey about their partner on SM are probably the couples who won't last long.

Why are you telling me that???

My mother jumped ship to my step father, took me with her and abandoned brother leaving him with my dad. She only bothered contacting my brother on birthdays and Christmases, didn't see him physically for years, and then suddenly took a massive interest in him many years later when my dad met my step mum (as I think she felt threatened at the thought of my brother having another maternal influence in his life.) Although I do agree that majority of the time, it is the man that does it

Fwiw I don't blame my mother for leaving my dad, their marriage was absolutely shit and should have ended a long time ago- I do blame her for ending it in a very nasty and awful way iyswim. She had many chances before that to go "You know what, this is a terrible marriage and we ought to end it" but she instead chose to hang around until she met someone she liked enough to move on with (she had multiple affairs and waited until she found an affair partner that she liked enough to leave my dad for). But then I guess my dad was also somewhat complicit as he knew she was having multiple affairs and just kept telling himself "Maybe this time she'll stop" and insisting on going to marriage counselling to fix something that couldn't be fixed

I think there's a fair bit to unpick here.

I don't think it's so much that men are lone wolves and don't care. More that 'society' has different expectations of men and women (that are perpetuated by both men and women and often criticised by both men and women).

From what I see on here and irl, actual abuse aside, women are often their own worst enemies.

Because its the explanation for this...

and women are like that these days. Marriages are not they were years ago

Which was your previous post.

I'd imagine. It wasn't my post.

Not rtft but you're right however this is why appearances are deceiving, not all men are like this and would move on quickly however it seems your sisters ex is a nasty, fickle and probably abusive prick. She is well rid of him even if it doesn't feel that way right now. Men like this are as shallow as a puddle and he'd only have let her down more as her life continued.

I agree with this.

Hopefully this doesn't happen so much now, but when I was younger and meeting up with groups of girlfriends, so much of the conversation was often taken up with one or two of them moaning about their boyfriends.

I once said after a few too many "Do you think our boyfriends EVER spend a get-together moaning about us?"....err no.

It is very difficult for an onlooker to know whether a marriage is happy or not.
I knew a couple. Seemed to me like the golden couple. Then he split, and went off with someone else.
Just goes to show that what I thought was the golden couple, was just a mirage.

I know a man like this.

He is in his 30s and has had three serious, cohabiting relationships all lasting a few years. After each one he has moved onto the next “one” within a month of ending the previous relationship. He is currently 6 months into dating a woman with children whom he first went out with 3 days after his previous partner moved out of their house and planning for their “future” together.

Some people are incapable of being on their own.

It's not exclusive to men. I know a few middle aged married women in fairly high positions at work (some are child less if that matters) who literally throw themselves at married big bosses. I am assuming if men were interested (in these particular women ('plain Janes haha')), these women would 'move on' from their husbands extremely quickly too

@KitKatChunki Generally speaking I'd agree but the men I've been with have been far deeper, thoughtful, analysing me and the relationship etc than I am so there are exceptions. But then I've never been into alpha male types

There was a thread on here last week or so where men basically agreed they don't feel as deeply in relationships as women.

Do you remember the title of the thread?
I’d like to read it.
Thank you.

Very few men acknowledge, even if they recognise, the extent to which women facilitate their lives.

I don't agree. I love sex and was having sex with the ex every other day if not every day (and giving him other things).
I just think the grass is always greener for them.

Yes, IME it's the first time you "moan" or suggest they aren't 100% perfect in any small way they start looking about. They can't handle criticism well from my experience and many women seem to be able to ignore persistent nose picking or chats with other women on social media, for example.