Scary how men just move on so quickly

[Gobsmackedtobehonest]

My Dsis friend has been married for 10 years, together for 14 with him and they have a 6 year old son. Things tricky for a while with the wife feeling things weren’t going great, her Dh not as supportive and staying out later (but always stayed out due to job and very sociable person)
It’s come to light recently that he told her he’s met someone else, madly in love with her, brings out the best in him and so on. He’s moved out, moving in with her, set up a bedroom for the child to stay in when he visits. Basically left them with no money or cares about how they will cope with rent and so on, left dog, doesn’t seem bothered. Whole world they had together just..gone..just like that
This was a young, gorgeous couple, a really good team and madly in love with each other

It’s scary

You're not wrong. My husband and I are separating. I'm devastated and holding life together for our small children, he's living the high life with new women already. Almost like it's a binary thing- done with one, move onto the next, with no emotion.

From observing people that I know when they split up most of them don't even bother to change the bedsheets before they have another person in the bed 😂

My friends son split up with his partner of 9 years recently and within days he is on the dating apps looking for someone else How do you honestly go from a 9 year relationship to tinder and plenty of fish

another guy I know split up with his partner of 6 years shortly after buying a house and met someone else within 3 months off of tinder

bought a house with new tinder partner , had a baby within 18 months and is now in the process of splitting up again

I just think that people in general aren’t very good at being on their own and so will do everything they can to find someone to replace the partner they have just left

Men l think can quite easily walk away from kids as they often have kids because it’s what the women wants and not necessarily what they want .
They can look like father of the year without doing to much effort

Some men see the kids as an extension of the women rather than it being both their child so they don’t have that deep attachment to the child either which makes it easier to leave and move on

They get a new baby daddy out of it

Maybe by some people. But they’re the ones who should never have married in the first place, aren’t they? To me, marriage is an immensely important and valuable thing and I took my vows very seriously when I got married 24 years ago. We didn’t want the wedding - we wanted the marriage. Some people these days seem to want the wedding but not the marriage.

We have had our ups and downs. But still together so I assume DH also views marriage as more than a throw-away thing. Up to now, anyway 😆.

It’s so sad and a reflection of how truly selfish some people are.

Its not just a man thing though as my sister has done the same thing - met someone she barely knows and left her DH of 15+ years and kids to go and play happily families with him.

If someone is not happy then they should end the relationship but they don’t need to shit on the partner who has been there for them for years or hurt their kids.
There is absolutely no excuse for it.

It's not just restricted to men. My wife, 18years together, 10 married needed space to find herself and moved out. Within 2months she was in a relationship with a work colleague who she had previously admitted having 'feelings' for.
Apparently the commitment of marriage doesn't count for much.

That goes against the central dogma of MN (shame on you! lol).

"Men don't need" sex".

I think sex is just like any other aspect of a relationship... It is a requirement for most men, just like having a baby is a requirement for most women (stereotype!). If the situation changes, and that 'thing' no longer happens, well, you're going to lose your partner.

We're still animals at heart, despite millennia of civilization. Women want someone to help her raise offspring (whether they're the biological father or not) whereas men want to spread their DNA as widely as possible. I think the hormonal urge to do that is incredibly strong.

Obviously there are some exceptions, but I think for men it takes more deliberate, considered effort to remain faithful and committed.

Its shocking and galling yes but at some level I actually think it’s healthier and wish I had been more like this in the days when I still cared about men and what they thought of me.

I think women do themselves a great deal of harm overinvesting in men to be honest and would do themselves a favour moving on more quickly than they do.

I Voted you are being unreasonable as it is not just men who move on quickly. We have a nephew, married 10 years, 3 kids, got involved with all their sports etc. Wife decided to end it. He moved out if the family home into, what can only be described as a shithole, terraced house, renovated on the cheap, shared with another bloke. Changed jobs to a nightshift in a warehouse so he could see his kids. Meanwhile ex wife, moves new BF in, photos all over fb of the smiling happy new family, days out with the kids and their new dad. He had the kids at weekends, so loads of photos of the new couple enjoying date nights etc. She has done this 3 times now, is now with the love of her life (for now). Ex H still living in shit hole and working nights, or he would rarely see his kids. 2 of the kids are now late teens, and are working, so a bit of easing on his finances, but he still has them at weekends, cos he is a good dad.

I disagree with (most of) that. I do agree that women want a father to help raise their children and help support them (sort of deep in their DNA.) But with men, it's not so much about spreading their DNA (and their seed!) as wanting a woman to look after them, do everything for them, pick up after them, organise their life, do all the domestic shit and life admin, and be their personal servant.

Every single man I know who has had an affair/left his wife or partner, has gone straight on to another woman. I have known multiple women who just left their husband/partner, and have gone on to be on their own. Men never, ever, ever leave to be on their own. They can't be without a woman, because they are absolutely useless without a woman. Most can barely scratch their own arse without a woman's help. And, as I said, they want a woman as a personal servant.

Some MNetters have a serious issue when it comes to emojis. In day to day life, no one gives a fuck about what emoji you use but on MN? Oh no, you’re considered a wanker for using a laughing emoji, when you actually find something funny….

I think people on here don’t like it because they’ve been on the site for 10-15 years when only the MN emojis were used. Times have changed

This is also true in my experience.

An old friend played the field until he was 43, then he suddenly decided to marry after one of his parents had a health scare. Without even having a girlfriend at the time, just a few comfort women he slept with. I remember him telling me in May 2023 that he will be married before the end of the year, as that's what he decided to do, as it is time. And he did, he married in October 2023, to someone he did not even know in May, and they have a baby due soon. He had a list of qualities he was looking for in his wife, and pretty much took the first woman who met them. He still plays around though, albeit more discreetly and respectfully.

I think a lot of people men and women don’t actually realise what marriage means
That it’s a legal contract
people often concentrate on the weddding which is just a big expensive party (IMO)

Men want sex and when they aren’t getting sex they often look for it elsewhere

from my experience most couples split up over lack of sex and lack of money - very often both

YABU to generalise that it's only men doing this, it isn't.

I think many couples get together because they feel in love and think they need to do house buying and making a baby because it’s the done thing but actually they have nothing in common at all apart from being on the same step of the ladder of life.

So they are not playmates, they don’t have a laugh together. They do not have the same interests, hobbies and taste. Or worse still one of them bends in to the shape the other one is looking for and loses themselves. My friend is divorcing, her DH loves camping, cycling and climbing. After a long marriage the kids left home he has left her for a woman version of himself. My friend is a very indoors kind of a person but did stuff to please him and lost her sense of self, she said I don’t know who I am. It was one of the saddest things anyone has ever said to me. I hope she can find out who she really is and what she really likes.

@Comedycook I think this is very common but I do have a friend who is a widower and his wife died when he was only mid fifties and he is now mid seventies. I have known him for a decade and he is a family friend. He is one of the best humans, incredibly reasonable all round. He has many women friends but has said many times how his B is irreplaceable and has never had another romantic relationship. I always think if all the men in the world could be like him what a lovely place it could be.

But why do those men who have women who do everything for them have an affair in the first place? Because they find it hard to resist the biological urge to "put their willy in a(nother woman)". And yes that's a disgusting phrase, but one I have heard this week from a supposedly happily married man.

Thanks for the one exmaple

There's certainly a lot like that but how do single men manage? The ones who aren't still living at home anyway and not in a relationsihp. That's a big demographic.

I know a fair few examples where the man has done this, but the woman he's left to be with has also walked out of her marriage/relationship to shack up with the new man. Takes two to tango.

My brothers aren’t like this, nor are most of my male friends. Many were in relationships for years before they even moved in with their partners, so they are all capable of living alone. They had dinner parties and guests and kept a clean house etc while they lived alone.

I guess it’s like everything - doesn’t apply to everyone and everyone’s reality will be influenced by their social circle.

eta: I do agree a certain type of man is like this though . For me a red flag is often a married man who hasn’t sorted out his divorce but is trying to date while “separated”. They are likely to fit that description of the helpless male who goes from woman to another . But I don’t entertain men like that at all.

I can relate to that with my ex.

I think he tells people what they want to hear to get what he wants, and when he doesn't have any use for them, you see who they really are.

I have seen it a lot.
Usually the woman needs a break from men due to shitty treatment or having to look after him, and she loves being on her own.
The man just needs someone to have sex with, live with, have attention paid to him. And usually not been scarred by how the woman treated him. So charms someone quickly. Not many great men out there single so many women will fall for his charming fake self.
It's nothing to feel jealous or sad over.

Most of the time, the person who breaks the relationship off has been unhappy/checking out for some time.

It often starts with minor irritations that aren't big enough to split up over. There are arguments (the rough patch or things have been tricky part) where one person tries to address their concerns. They often don't state to their partner that it's potentially relationship ending because they don't realise themselves maybe at that point. Or there are children involved. Or financial commitments.

So they trundle along becoming increasingly dissatisfied and irritated by the other person. This breeds resentment.

In their head, the relationship is essentially over but they can't face the upheaval of ending it so things just plod along. It would usually be clear to the other person too if they would only look for it but they don't because whilst the other person is still there, things must be ok. Both parties are happy to keep their blinkers on, put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving forward.

Until the unhappy person meets someone else and suddenly all the upset, upheaval and untangling finances seems worth the effort.

For the other person, it feels like it's out of the blue (even if they acknowledge things haven't been great for a while) but, for the person who leaves, it's been a long time coming.

It's not just men who do this. It was just a man in your fmiy who did it.

When lives are entwined, it can feel selfish to leave an unhappy relationship. There are threads on here every day that are testament to that. Likewise, it's easy to argue that it's selfish to stay.

But it's not that people moved on quickly once out of a relationship. More that they've already moved on whilst still in it.

Men never, ever, ever leave to be on their own. They can't be without a woman, because they are absolutely useless without a woman.

I'm sorry but that's just nonsense.

I know three men in my immediate social circle who left unhappy relationships to be on their own. All now in their 50s. All but one is single and all live alone and have done for around 10 years. All happy and more than capable of living full, interesting, sociable, domesticated lives without women.

The two who are single would both like to meet someone but neither are willing to go out with just anyone for the sake of not being single.