Is DD babyish? What can your DD9 do?

[purplerobot]

DD turned 9 last week and is having friendship problems.

Everyone seems to think DD is babyish for her age, including friends and other kids parents (they say it nicely). I think some of her friends are too grown up (doing skin care and wearing makeup at 9??!) so I don't know.

My eldest was far more grown up at this age but times have changed. I have babied DC9 a bit more because she's my last baby so it's probably my fault.

What can your DC9 do?

She still would play with toys if I play with her. But none of her friends play at all. She doesn't play by herself but she never really has to be fair.

She cries easily (her teacher said she's very sensitive) and she cries often.

She likes YouTube and TikTok, she likes to make her little videos but they are maybe babyish in content. She goes to brownies and she likes the park etc.

She can make herself a drink of squash and a sandwich but I do it for her usually. She can make her own bed. She can shower herself (I do her hair as it's bum length and mega thick). She can do all the other basic stuff like teeth and getting dressed lol,

She isn't very athletic so not good with scooter or bike etc but she likes to go to the park. When she plays with her friends it tends to be lots of role play, dressing up, she tries to play toys - but over the last school term it's like her friends have grown up and left her behind, they don't want to do those things anymore and now she's left out.

I have realised I do baby her a lot, I've always done everything for her and as a result she is quite young for her age. Her sibling was very different at this age.

What does your DC9 do?

AIBU: she's a child it's fine
YNBU: you baby her and it needs to stop

Her interests sound fine. I have 9yo twins and one of them is a bit sensitive and I think that is more likely to be the problem. Kids have really low tolerance for this as they age. It’s often seen as manipulative, X cries to get what she wants, to do what she wants, so she goes first etc aId stop babying her and adopt a slightly tough love approach.

This is about teaching resilience and problem solving. Being able to look at a situation logically and apply a solution without resorting to, someone else fix this/ do this, tears is a good thing.

She does cry easily. I suggested specialist bereavement support for the OP and her DD.
OP has said herself that her friends are moving away from her. The example she gives is when her friends talk about doing make up, the DD suggests she is not allowed to put on make up, so her friends do their make up anyway leaving her out. Children do not have to do the activities a friend wants to do. It is fine if her friends want to do different things to OPs DD.
The teacher has said the DD over reacts to these situations, so it does not sound like she is being picked on.

But her some simple make up - pound-shop stuff is fine

Ans have a make up party at yours

You seem to be very selective about what you take from OP's posts. In one breath, you claim she's not being picked on even though her "friends" are pressuring her into buying make-up for them

Yes, the other girls don't have to play with toys if they don't want to, but they also don't need to actively leave their friend out. It's just not nice behaviour, is it?

You also keep going on about her "crying all the time" but seem to be ignoring the fact that she lost her dad at 18 months old and is being raised by a widowed, bereaved parent - as if that kind of trauma isn't going to impact her behaviour and her emotional regulation.

Crying over lots of minor things is an issue.
Have you ever worked with an adult who cries all the time over minor things? I have. It is incredibly wearing. This is how other 9 year old children feel about 9 year old children who cry a lot.
Your DC has autism and you give an example of him crying because something that was a big deal to him happened. OP gave an example of where the DDs friends wanted to do an activity she did not want to do, so they did it anyway.

I do wonder what the background is to the buying make up, because that is a strange thing for 9 year olds to say. But if they said it, then it is wrong.

The other girls are allowed to do activities the OPs DD does not want to do or is not allowed to do. There are quite a few things that it sounds like the DD is not allowed to do. What is normal is for children to compromise over what they do. So agreeing to put make up on for a bit and then doing another thing afterwards that OPs DD likes doing.

I agree the bereavement may be impacting. So OP needs to look at some specialist bereavement support if that is the case. But instead everyone is talking about playing with toys and ignoring the real issues.

Honestly by age 9, dolls were long in the past for me at least. Everyone is different obvs but swimming and board games took over from dolls at least for me.

I have a 9 yo granddaughter and she is 50/50 child and teenager. She pleaded with me to taker her and 2 friends to a recently opened Sephora and said it was the ’the best day ever’ but she will also play with toys, do craft etc.
In response to those who say that kids should have a more traditional childhood, I would say that it’s probably an unrealistic expectation, especially in an urban environment. 21st Century kids will live a 21st Century childhood. In response to OPs dilemma, it’s important for kids to keep pace with at least some of their peer group because otherwise her confidence will suffer. As others have said, maybe emphasise her strengths and personal qualities. Also, it may be worth looking up ‘growth mindset’.

Exactly this! If she was 15 it would be an issue, but she's 9!!!

My youngest was a bit like this but suddenly matured. When she was turning 10 she wanted squishmallows and little collectible things and crafty things nth s etc for her birthday. Perfectly fine. Some of her friends were turning 10 at the same time and wanted Nike pro leggings, Nike pro socks etc all Nike pro. Gucci this and Vivienne Westwood that. School backpack out the window and handbag in. They wanted expensive make up and hair products. I was in a salon where one of the mothers works and she was telling her child had ditched all her toys and was asking for all these ‘teen’ items. To be honest she also had older teen siblings and cousins etc so was basically copying them. There was a group of these girls. They just al seemed to want to grow up more. They were all summer birthdays too and noticeably younger than the September birthdays in their class who were about to turn 11 and who some looked like teenagers.

however DD is 11 now and in secondary and has made new friends and has suddenly decided she’s into fashion and make up and doing her hair. Unlike her older teen sibling who couldn’t care less still. She also more independent now and goes out with her friends with a key and her bank card. A year ago I couldn’t leave her in the house ever but now she’s happy to be left when I take her sibling to clubs. She makes her own food, bakes, can tidy and sort her own room etc. Her older sibling finds this all harder but they’re autistic. But I do think kids all develop at their own speed. My DD has a couple of friends at an out of school activity who are still y6 primary and one who is almost a year younger age wise but this younger girl has more designer make ups and perfumes than even I would have. But she has a mum who also likes those things herself.

It’s EXTREMELY normal! Playing at it at least.

I agree its normal. But its just a version of face paint. They are playing. In the same way children used to dress up in mums old dresses and high heel shoes.

Totally agree. In my opinion, it’s not normal to be into skin care and make-up at 9. I see some 9 and 10 year olds acting like teenagers and I think it’s sad. Childhood is short enough as it is in my opinion.

This is wise.

I do feel it's important for kids to realise that there is a big wide world out there that is separate from the social world of school that can sometimes feel like a powder keg.

Outside interests ease the pressure to fit in in school. Sports, drama, art, music, or volunteering can all help a child find her strengths and perhaps find her tribe too.

The slings and arrows of school life won't hurt as much if a child has a connection to - forminstance - horses, a netball team, acting classes, a choir, a dance school, an art club, etc.

I think a certain amount might be considered normal - lip gloss, a little perfume (philosophy have some child friendly scents), some nice body lotion to apply after a shower, nail polish, some simple jewellery would all be fun. Playing with different hairstyles would also be normal. Maybe even some dip dyeing in the summer holiday - all of this can be fun for a girl of 9 or 10. I'll go out on a limb here and even suggest getting ears pierced can also be a normal and exciting thing to have done around this age.

But eyeshadow, eye liner, doing eyebrows, mascara, lipstick, disguising freckles, dyeing hair all over, cutting hair in a radical style, getting highlights, etc would be going too far, imo.

But shunning a classmate who hasn't done any of that and isn't interested is another problem altogether.

And this little girl turned 9 only last week...

@mathanxiety they are not shunning her.

Yes. I agree with you. In my experience, there are always a few girls in a class who have little interest in make up etc. seems odd that OPs DD is the one odd one out. Shame she can’t find like minded little girls.

Exactly this, well said.

Sounds like you're doing a great job, OP

Have parents of young children doing skincare not picked up at least on the physical harm this is doing to young skins?

As for 9 years old being too old for childish pursuits how very, very, very sad.

To paraphrase a well known expression: we're a long time adult, no need to enforce an even shorter childhood

My daughter is nearly 10 and still dolly obsessed. She makes videos of herself caring for them. She loves to run around playing mums and dads at the park. She is a typical girl of her age

It's only when I reached adulthood and realised I probably had ASD that I realised it's ok to be sensitive and cry.

What a horrible thing for a teacher to say! Some 9 year olds can be pretty tween and others are still very young by comparison.

This!

at 9 years old why are children doing skin care and make up, they should still be playing with toys, enjoying brownies and playing. Quite sad to think girls are losing childhood so young if it’s not like this

@MyQuaintDog - her former friend, who was just like her a few months ago, has ditched her and is now friends with another girl, doing snapchat 'get ready with me' videos, and suggesting the OP's child buy makeup for her and the new friend.

Literally a few months ago her best friend was the same as DD. Now the best friend has dropped her for another girl, and this girl is very much "skincare" and doing "get ready with me" videos on Snapchat. This other girl is very outgoing and vocal (and actually quite mean!)

New friend is the Queen Bee. Old friend is now an acolyte of the QB. The entire class will become divided into QB and CO and outsiders.

Can I just point out these girls aren't playing makeup, they're actively doing their makeup for "get ready with Me"'videos and wearing makeup to school, handbags instead of rucksack etc... it's the same kind of thing you'd expect from a teenager. I've also shudder just noticed that the girl has her school jumper inc logo on in the video!

Also just to reassure you, we have all had specialist bereavement counselling (and I'm a mental health professional). Whilst the bereavement will always have an impact on all of us, it's as minimal as can be. I imagine as they reach adulthood they'll need more support and I'll make sure they have that. But thank you for the concern and kind words

I think DD's "sensitivity" is more at school than home and having seen recent events I can see why. My eldest is friends with the elder brother of the "leader" and while on the phone with him, she can clearly hear the "leader" saying "let's phone xxxxx and tell her we're having a sleepover", the ex best friend says "she'll be upset" and leader says "so what, we're allowed sleepovers" and ex best friend says "yeah so what". Now luckily they can't phone DD as she doesn't have a phone or even a SIM card, but I can now see why she'd be upset. And I'm surprised at the ex best friend who was previously a placid sweet girl!

@purplerobot

That's truly horrible.

There is something wrong in the life of the 'leader' here.
"Getting ready..." - do they know for what?
What are they trying to process here?

If you haven't read it yet, can I again recommend Queen Bees and Wannabees, by Rosalind Wiseman. It will describe the dynamics at play here and prepare you for the next few years.

I would definitely make sure the school is aware of the toxicity.