Is DD babyish? What can your DD9 do?

[purplerobot]

DD turned 9 last week and is having friendship problems.

Everyone seems to think DD is babyish for her age, including friends and other kids parents (they say it nicely). I think some of her friends are too grown up (doing skin care and wearing makeup at 9??!) so I don't know.

My eldest was far more grown up at this age but times have changed. I have babied DC9 a bit more because she's my last baby so it's probably my fault.

What can your DC9 do?

She still would play with toys if I play with her. But none of her friends play at all. She doesn't play by herself but she never really has to be fair.

She cries easily (her teacher said she's very sensitive) and she cries often.

She likes YouTube and TikTok, she likes to make her little videos but they are maybe babyish in content. She goes to brownies and she likes the park etc.

She can make herself a drink of squash and a sandwich but I do it for her usually. She can make her own bed. She can shower herself (I do her hair as it's bum length and mega thick). She can do all the other basic stuff like teeth and getting dressed lol,

She isn't very athletic so not good with scooter or bike etc but she likes to go to the park. When she plays with her friends it tends to be lots of role play, dressing up, she tries to play toys - but over the last school term it's like her friends have grown up and left her behind, they don't want to do those things anymore and now she's left out.

I have realised I do baby her a lot, I've always done everything for her and as a result she is quite young for her age. Her sibling was very different at this age.

What does your DC9 do?

AIBU: she's a child it's fine
YNBU: you baby her and it needs to stop

It’s really sad that a 9 year old playing with toys is seen as babyish and encouraged to develop more mature interests.

She’s a child.

OP, don’t change her. She’s doing nothing wrong.

I agree with others about developing some independence around the house though.

I don't think she's too old to play with toys etc and it is sad that her friends just want to be on tik tok.

The fact that you have to list the basics such as she can make herself a drink suggests perhaps she's being babied. Id be really shocked if she couldn't make a drink and wouldn't think to include it in a list something she could do at that age. Maybe work on her independence which might improve her confidence to just do what she wants and not have to follow her friends.

I do wonder if there's more to the babyish comments from her teacher and friends parents. I think it's worth an honest conversation with the teacher, to work out just why she's struggling with friendships. I suspect it's not necessarily that she's into childish activities, others will be at that age too, but something else. Immaturity often isn't about interests, but behaviour. Can she compromise and negotiate with friends? Can she chat about their interests? It's not nice to think about your child in this way, but if she's struggling with friendships and others are giving a lack of maturity as a reason, they might not mean what activities she's into, but how she behaves. Can you light touch supervise some playdates with friends so you can observe?

She sounds just like my little boy of the same age and he is having friendship issues too . I also have babied him no doubt as he's the youngest of three but there's plenty of time to grow up I keep telling him

My 10 yr old only stopped playing recently but is still very childlike. She still dresses up a bit, dances, listens to music etc. Loves painting and gymnastics. She watches videos of kittens. But sadly she has just been dumped by a good friend who seems to act older and i suspect friend finds her too babyish now.

Your DD sounds just fine OP in terms of her interests but i think you should try to make her more independent. Being dependent at that age for snacks etc can damage self confidence, it can be hard with a child who resists independence but it would be such a favour to her. Will she buy something in the shop alone or order for herself? I really pushed on this, my kids usually do all the talking now in a shop if I can let it happen, like asking for a particular shoe size or asking where the bathroom is. Little things like this will really boost her confidence.

I'd also be talking to her about emotional regulation, it's not OK to cry at every little disappointment. She needs to understand that it's OK to feel something but not to behave that way. I'm not sure how you can work on that one though other than praising her for when she handles a situation more maturely. Hopefully it will come in time. In the meantime she sounds just lovely and I'd try to enjoy her and not worry so much!

My nearly 11 year old still plays with dolls.

couldn’t care less if she’s ‘babyish’. She’s a child. And happy.

The only issue i would be concerned about is that she cries often. She may just need help better handling her emotions and freindships. The other stuff sounds normal for her age.

It's the crying all the time you need to sort out. Does she cry when she loses a game? Over indulged children often do and it's really off putting for other children, they don't take long to start leaving sore losers out of games. I know you said she isn't sporty but sports are really helpful in learning resilience, teamwork, rule following and how to lose - all things that will really help your DD make and keep friends.

She sounds a bit like my dd 9
mine doesn’t really do toys anymore but loves her iPad and Nintendo and animals and she will still do playground with swings and stuff. She is really artistic too will spend hours on that.
everything else is similar although she left brownies said it was boring even though some of her friends still went.

She’s nine. She’s totally normal.

She may have moved on from her friends so I’d encourage her to play with other children who are more likeminded.

Primary school children on TikTok wearing make up and skin care is far weirder to me than going to brownies and playing with toys. I’m very confused about posters encouraging mature interests including… taking the bins out and “cooking” a meal of pasta and with jarred sauce.

Oh an on emotional regulation it’s a bit context specific. As an adult in a toxic environment we are more disregulated and stressed. If she’s becoming a square peg in a round hole and even as her mother you are questioning whether her normal interests are babyish I can see it might be unsettling. Nothing overindulged about it.

My daughter is a month younger but we delayed her entry at school so she hasn't encountered these issues yet and is the oldest in the class. She still plays and has no social media. Neither does my 10 year old niece. No social media that I know of in the class either. Can you encourage her friendships with slightly younger / less social media focused children eg. at brownies. See if your school is signed up to Smartphone free childhood or if you can sign up for your school. It's getting quite big now. The only thing I would be worried about is the crying and I'd be looking into resources to help with emotional intelligence/literacy. There is a Big Life Journal which focuses on resilience which you can complete together and my 9 year old loves.

My DSD is 9 and plays with Lego, cuddly toys, lots of imaginative play, art and craft, jewellery making, etc. She does have a Roblox account but we are very very minimal screens so you’re talking maybe an hour a week at most. She also goes swimming, to a dance class and plays a sport.

Anyone with a nine year old on social media needs social services involvement in my opinion. Horrific lack of judgement and against the law. I know that’s not realistic, I’m a teacher, but the social, concentration, academic, friendship and sleep issues that arise from this is insane.

Your DD sounds lovely and perfectly age appropriate to me - maybe a bit of resilience work needing done around the crying.

She sounds just like my 9 year old DD.
She showers by herself and will wash her own hair with me checking on the progress.
She makes her own squash drinks and breakfast.
She loves to play with baby dolls still, although she is becoming aware that her friends don’t so if they come to play she tends to put them away and take the doll pram to my room, they all seem to play with Designer Friend fashion type dolls.
She has a Switch and plays Mario Kart or Animal Crossing, She is not allowed to mindlessly watch YouTube and doesn’t have social media access.
My DD can also cry easily in class, so we are working on resilience. She can give up a little too easily but we are working on this.
She also goes to Brownies and likes the park. She is also not very athletic and can be reluctant to ride her bike, we spent half term encouraging her to independently ride round the block. She has a competitive streak that can be motivated with something like getting round 3 times before I’ve hung the washing out or setting a timer etc.

Basically, she is a child and is just fine. We could both probably encourage new independence in our DD’s while
not making them more grown up.

I don’t think it had to be either or.

Mine still plays with toys and has some babyish tendencies and interests, but she also walks home from school alone, can cook a 3 course meal, use the washing machine etc.

Skincare I don’t see a problem with, I think it’s good to look after your skin from a young age! She also wears a bit of mascara on a weekend because it makes her feel grown up.

Sounds like my nearly-9-year-old. She plays toys with her younger brother, many if her friends are in the year below and she watches TV for younger kids. It's what she likes. I'm not going to change that until she is ready - her playing will evolve, she'll catch up, and until then I'll try teaching her more independence in terms of self care (she can't manage washing her hair properly yet), learning to cook (she's tiny so it's tricky at the stove) - i think that's much more worthwhile than makeup and ticktock

Yes, she will be 'babyish' by some kids' standards but I don't think one can force it. She's into what she's into. In terms of responsibilities she takes those sound fine, although maybe she could start cooking, as DD did at a similar age.

Personally I think it’s sad how grown up children are acting today. When I was 10/11/12 I remember playing with barbies, playing imaginary games and singing with my friends. The only make up any of us had was either fake or really sparkly, not a face full like children today wear.

Even the clothes, crop tops and shorts or grown up dresses none of us used to wear these at that age!

I am only early 30’s but times have changed so much.

My 10 year old loves dolls and miniature stuff. She collects China dolls and makes clothes for them. This morning her and her siblings played in the sand pit for ages.

But she has a key to the house and leaves after us and walks to school. She cooks pasta and makes me a cup of tea. She will mind her 5 year old sibling (in the house). So it's not that she's immature, she's a child but she also has skills. Being mature isn't wearing make up..

I agree with getting her off tiktok and YouTube, nothing good to be found there.

I think (at risk of sounding ancient) we've lost sight of what 9 year olds used to be like and there's now a rush for children to grow up way too fast, and social media is to blame.

My 10 year old loves to play still, loves imaginary games and playing with her toys and crafting. She adores Guides and going on guide camp. She has a phone with no SIM that only gets used for Duolingo, audible and playing Solitaire. She's never used TikTok or any other social media. Sometimes if she's feeling a bit low she'll watch Bluey for a bit of comfort.

She also cooks, makes drinks, cleans, showers, does her own skincare routine (just face soap, moisturiser and daily face sunscreen!). She takes responsibility for her own learning too.

She left school this year to start home ed, but her classmates were obsessed with social media. There was an incident at school where a boy took a picture of DD, added a horrible caption and shared it with dozens of people on Snapchat - how does a 9 year old have dozens of Snapchat contacts anyway?! They're all on TikTok and WhatsApp and it's caused no end of dramas, there were constant messages coming home from the teacher about conflicts in the various WhatsApp groups. DD was relieved to not be involved in any of it (we didn't tell her about the Snapchat incident; we were informed by the head).

I think you can encourage maturity (learning skills and independence) without forcing them to grow up too fast (social media and all the trends and rubbish they're learning on there).

What’s the rush to grow up? Let her be herself. In nature it’s often the stupidest species that reach maturity first.

You say she Can make her bed.... quick question is she expected to or do you normally do it? I ask (mum of 4 girls) as it's important that small chores like this are undertaken by them at this age so they learn some responsibility for themselves. Things like hanging out simple washing or folding it from the tumble dryer, helping put bins out or bring them in or sort recycling. I used to love washing the car at this age so did my girls.

We need to build in self sufficiency into them at this age so they understand that to have nice things we ALL pull together in the house

Believe me in a blink of an eye she will be heading towards 30 and you will wonder where the time has gone.
Give her a big hug she sounds a lovely girl

When my kids have wondered if things are 'babyish' I've sometimes told them that I think the kids acting most 'grown up' can actually be less mature than them because they are so hung up on seeming more grown up, and the mature kids are those comfortable enough to follow the interests they want to regardless of whether it's seen as cool.

DC now 10.5 but pretty independent for his age. Gets himself up and to and from school every day. Gets the train to a hobby once a week (I meet him there after work). Cooks simple meals for himself (air fryer mostly).