Is DD babyish? What can your DD9 do?

[purplerobot]

DD turned 9 last week and is having friendship problems.

Everyone seems to think DD is babyish for her age, including friends and other kids parents (they say it nicely). I think some of her friends are too grown up (doing skin care and wearing makeup at 9??!) so I don't know.

My eldest was far more grown up at this age but times have changed. I have babied DC9 a bit more because she's my last baby so it's probably my fault.

What can your DC9 do?

She still would play with toys if I play with her. But none of her friends play at all. She doesn't play by herself but she never really has to be fair.

She cries easily (her teacher said she's very sensitive) and she cries often.

She likes YouTube and TikTok, she likes to make her little videos but they are maybe babyish in content. She goes to brownies and she likes the park etc.

She can make herself a drink of squash and a sandwich but I do it for her usually. She can make her own bed. She can shower herself (I do her hair as it's bum length and mega thick). She can do all the other basic stuff like teeth and getting dressed lol,

She isn't very athletic so not good with scooter or bike etc but she likes to go to the park. When she plays with her friends it tends to be lots of role play, dressing up, she tries to play toys - but over the last school term it's like her friends have grown up and left her behind, they don't want to do those things anymore and now she's left out.

I have realised I do baby her a lot, I've always done everything for her and as a result she is quite young for her age. Her sibling was very different at this age.

What does your DC9 do?

AIBU: she's a child it's fine
YNBU: you baby her and it needs to stop

She does have friends at brownies but she clings to my eldest DDs friends when they come round because they're nice to her. Anyone that's nice to her basically.

Unfortunately a school move is impossible, we live in a village with 1 primary school. The next nearest school is a 15 min drive minimum. I wouldn't be able to get her to or from school as I leave at 730 for work and don't get home till 430. No chance of me affording school buses or wrap around care either unfortunately! At the moment she walks with her sister, school is on the next street from our house. It's tricky as I am widowed with no family so there's nobody else who could take her either.

I wouldn't be able to get her to or from school as I leave at 730 for work and don't get home till 430. No chance of me affording school buses or wrap around care either unfortunately!

How old is her older sister?

@EsmeSusanOgg same here. My daughter still enjoys spending her evenings painting nails & doing hairstyles. She still has a thing for Barbie, although can't tell any of her friends. I feel so very sad for some of her peers who are up at 5am to do their hair & makeup on a school day. Childhood is gone in a flash. I was still playing with dolls at that age!

Kids no longer play at 9?? What?? So sad 😞

The toys/interests thing is not the issue here. Loads of kids this age play with toys etc, the vast majority of parents i know don't allow phones, tiktok, social media etc at this age.

The low resilience/crying all the time at school is.

Id be focussing on:

• "life" independence. Helping cook. Tying up her own hair etc.
• emotional resilience. Giving her tools/techniques to try and not burst into tears over everything as this will irritate peers - it sounds like she is overreacting to every little thing.

The make up thing - its quite normal for them to start being interested in this sort of thing and there are age appropriate ways to allow it. Lots of girls this age love glittery nail polish for parties, or those nivea tinted lip balms. There are things which are more creative, like elaborate hairstyles and fun hair accessories, and i wouldn't judge 9 year olds who enjoyed these things.

I feel so very sad for some of her peers who are up at 5am to do their hair & makeup on a school day.

What age are these children?

She does have friends at brownies but she clings to my eldest DDs friends when they come round because they're nice to her. Anyone that's nice to her basically.

Bless, I think her interests sound fine but she sounds vulnerable. I mean all children are but some particularly so. If she is clinging to anyone being nice to her, that’s not a great place to be because people with bad intentions can sense that and take advantage. And you don’t want her growing her to be that adult that accepts crumbs in one-sided friendships and relationship.

You mention you’re widowed, was your late husband her father? If so that may explain some of the issues she’s having with crying a lot. I know bereavement /absence of a parent affects children in different ways. That must be tough for all of you having no family around.

My 9 year old loves arts and crafts, playing with her Barbies, painting and drawing, she occasionally needs help dressing (sensory issues around clothes) she can brush her own hair, shower, toilet etc. sports wise she is very sporty dances (3 times), swims twice a week, plays netball and hockey! Sport is big for my kids though!!

tour DD sounds like mine without the sport so maybe get her into a local netball ball club? Or Dance etc.

Mine likes to play Robolox but doesn’t have tik tok, she likes writing stories and reading.

some of her friends are more ‘ahead’ but they all still seem to get on ok.

god kids grow up too soon - I blame bloody screens dictating all their time.

My 10 year old still plays with barbies and soft toys - although she doesnt in front of other girls sadly. She loves it if she is with someone younger.

I think in a kinder culture - where we didnt whisk kids off to secondary school at 11 and remove playtime - there would be plenty of 11 and 12 yr olds still playing imaginary games.

My dd is also 9 and in year 4, other than not crying easily she sounds similar to your dd and I've never thought of her as babyish.

She does have screens and enjoys making videos (not allowed to post them anywhere), she'll sometimes paint her nails badly and have a go with makeup but also enjoys playing with her Our Generation dolls and making up role play games.
At the moment she's very into Taylor Swift so spends ages in her room listening to her music and making posters or writing stories about her.

Independence wise she does all her personal care such as showering, washing and drying her hair, she goes to the shop at the top of the street and when we're at our caravan she's allowed to go to the onsite park to meet friends.

Like your dd she enjoyed spending time with her older sisters friends but I think that's normal, children look up to older children.

At 9 I still played with toys- mainly my baby dolls with their prams/ dresses etc. Thankfully I had a younger sister so could pretend I was doing it for her!

By 10 my friends had stopped playing with toys like this and at 11 and starting high school the toys went 😐

Play is so important at any age, let your dd choose and if she's embarrassed by toys maybe she could have a big storage container to put them in if friends come over... she should not have to change who she is for others and it's ok to still like toys.

I think the best thing you can do is be gentle with her when explaining how kids have different choices around her age but I wouldn't be stopping play- play with her and have fun! So long as there's an understanding of what 'the friends' are into it's about dd finding a balance imo and I certainly wouldn't allow my 9 y o to make fun of a friend for having toys. HELLO Lego is now made for adults, as well as loads of art crafts, reborn dolls etc!

You are not a bad mum just because your dd still likes toys!

She's 9!!! She should not be anywhere near YouTube/tictok. Utterly depressing that 9 year olds are doing skincare. My DD is 9 and likes imaginary games, nature, animals and toys. Doesn't use the internet except for a few selective things that are supervised by moi. It's never occured to me that she is babyish. She is quite capable of being independent when needed. I'm happy to leave her alone for 10 mins whilst I drop sibling off at a club etc. I've not noticed much difference with her peers other tjan internet use. Maybe it's her peers that are the problem?

Let her play with the toys and be a kid, 9 is so young. I’d personally encourage the sport- whether it be tennis, netball, riding, gymnastics- something where she is with other children and away from screens.

Snap chat at 9!!!

I think you are doing a great job in keeping her off tiktok and SM but it sounds like it might be an idea to try and encourage resilience and a bit more independence. Would you be happy to encourage her to switch to calling you mum? You say she cries a lot, does she also whinge or tend to use a baby voice when requesting things? Other people will find that intensely irritating but you might be used to it if she does it or even find it sweet. When you know she has cried at school it might be an idea to encourage her to talk about what happened, how she felt, and suggest other ways she might try to respond to similar situations. It’s a tricky situation as you don’t want to imply it’s her fault but at the same time, children will not want to play with someone who cries at the drop of a hat.

Are there other children in her class that she might have more in common with? It’s really sad that these girls don’t play at all. Do the boys play more? Has she friends amongst the boys in her class?

My DD, just turned 9, and her friend (whp turned 9 in October) just spent the entire day playing Barbies in the garden. She also likes playing Roblox, watching YouTube videos, painting, sewing, crafting (particularly if a glue gun is involved). She has some very gentle skincare products as her skin is prone to rashes and copes better with moisturiser. She does like to play with makeup but certainly doesn't wear it on a regular basis, it's more like an additional element to a dressing up game

This is exactly what I thought - even Caroline Hirons saying it’s ridiculous

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C71T0WjIfz6/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Absolutely this!

Hate hate hate the 'make kids grown ups at a young age thing' now....constant screens, trendy clothes, adult music and programmes....its so sad.

She is 9.She SHOULD be playing.
She is fine, your not doing anything wrong.
The others are the problem not her!
My DD has two friends of my friend who are 9 & 11.They are lovely girls and not immature, but they came over the other day and had a lovely time playing with her mud kitchen together.
Let her play as long as possible.Once has grown up, that's it and she can never get that time back :( Maybe she needs some different friends.....

I agree with the poster above that 11 is too young for secondary school. The 11-14 year olds should be somewhere else. Some of them are just awful, prison-like institutions. No wonder some secondaries try largely to keep the Y7s away from the other years - they're still little children! It's a shame because most primary schools do their best to be nurturing and supportive and then at 11, children are sent to these places and the message is very much - your childhood ends now. Private prep schools that go up to 13 is a much better system.

Having read your update, I agree with some PPs that your child is crying because she's being bullied not because she's not being resilient.

Let her try make up, the garish kids stuff for dress up, but honestly it's the other girls that se to be the issue here. Your DD sounds perfectly normal and it is absolutely fine for her to call you mummy.

If it was me I would try and get through to the end of the summer term without any playdates etc with these kids and maybe take DD out and spoil her a bit. Sounds like she's having a tough time.

Perfectly put

plus, op 9 year old is far too young for Tik tok.

kids seem ‘older’ because their lazy ass parents are giving them access to phones and social media.

Personally, I think it’s a ticking time bomb. Those of us who care shouldn’t give in to the peer pressure of it. Likewise skincare for children if it’s not a very gentle organic face wash and moisturise!

Sounds like the real problem is the extremely poor parenting from the other adults. Snapchat at 9?!!!! How naive or brain dead you have to be to allow your child that?! I’d also argue that being too clueless to realise that having “extensive skin care routine” and using makeup on the regular (normal experimentation aside ) will mess up your skin for the future is the childish thing. Very much monkey see, monkey do.

You could maybe boost her confidence by teaching her more household skills, letting her go out on her own/with her sister if possible and appropriate, enrol her in a sport etc. But ultimately she needs new friends with better parents and to learn to tell the bullies to F-off. If they tease her for being babyish and she gives back instead of crying, in my experience ,she will be considered “more mature” by others. My daughter is younger but there are some similar dynamics in her class. Her best friend likes a lot of “babyish” things but will take absolutely no shit about it and will probably make anyone who mocks her interests cry.

They even asked DD if she would buy makeup for them! (She didnt).

Good for her!

Seems to me there's nothing "babyish" about standing up to bullies.

She does need new friends with the same interests as her.

Or not the same interests as these other girls.

Good luck to her!

Those of us who care shouldn’t give in to the peer pressure of it

I completely agree but it's difficult for your child if they're surrounded by the children of lazy, lackwit parents who can't see the harm that they're doing in giving their very young kids free access to all sorts of inappropriate things. Ultimately children want, if not to fit in with their peers, at least a few friendly faces amongst them. Peer group is so important.

I wouldn't worry about her playing with toys, that's fine.

I do think she could be doing more in terms of getting herself a drink and a snack.

I think my brother and I were given too much responsibility. My brother made a coffee for my mum and a friend, it tasted odd. He couldn't read so had mixed up gravy browning with the instant coffee.

I was about 6 or 7 when I was coming home to an empty house and peeling potatoes for dinner.

Those things are too much too young but things like cooking simple things, or helping with cooking.