Is DD babyish? What can your DD9 do?

[purplerobot]

DD turned 9 last week and is having friendship problems.

Everyone seems to think DD is babyish for her age, including friends and other kids parents (they say it nicely). I think some of her friends are too grown up (doing skin care and wearing makeup at 9??!) so I don't know.

My eldest was far more grown up at this age but times have changed. I have babied DC9 a bit more because she's my last baby so it's probably my fault.

What can your DC9 do?

She still would play with toys if I play with her. But none of her friends play at all. She doesn't play by herself but she never really has to be fair.

She cries easily (her teacher said she's very sensitive) and she cries often.

She likes YouTube and TikTok, she likes to make her little videos but they are maybe babyish in content. She goes to brownies and she likes the park etc.

She can make herself a drink of squash and a sandwich but I do it for her usually. She can make her own bed. She can shower herself (I do her hair as it's bum length and mega thick). She can do all the other basic stuff like teeth and getting dressed lol,

She isn't very athletic so not good with scooter or bike etc but she likes to go to the park. When she plays with her friends it tends to be lots of role play, dressing up, she tries to play toys - but over the last school term it's like her friends have grown up and left her behind, they don't want to do those things anymore and now she's left out.

I have realised I do baby her a lot, I've always done everything for her and as a result she is quite young for her age. Her sibling was very different at this age.

What does your DC9 do?

AIBU: she's a child it's fine
YNBU: you baby her and it needs to stop

Interesting that you say you baby her but she’s allowed to access TikTok - that seems a bit strange.

She should be able to ride a bike at 9.

I think it’s nice that she still plays - maybe you could get her into some video games that her friends might like too.

Are there kids in her class that are into the same things as her? DD had different "groups" for different types of play.

Her best friends were like your daughter's friends so she would never disclose to them that she started playing with play doh again , or her potions kits and dolls. However , she had other friends over who loved that stuff.

She also had friends of the water fights/kick a ball around /do cartwheels in the field with.

With the more "grownup" friends , luckily they were also into gaming so they just played a lot of games or role play. While she wasn't into makeup and stuff she did like all the things associated with it (goes to her love of potions) so she'd do their make up instead or faff around with things to see how they mix .

And so on. We had A LOT of playdates at our house.

One thing I would say, despite her group being how it is, they are actually the outliers, because they're 9 FFs! They are still kids. They should still know how to play and enjoy it. Your kid is fine, just in the wrong group.

My DD and all her friends went through a phase of playing with makeup at around 8. They did each others makeup and hair and it was more a bonding thing. I got her the makeup and let her crack on. It was harmless and they moved on from it.

But this was before tiktok and get ready with me and that feels like it adds different context somehow.

As the holidays are approaching she might enjoy henna and playing with henna designs. That's artistic and might be something the other kids enjoy too....

She doesn't sound particularly babyish to me, OP. Lots of 9yos still like playing with toys etc. Make up and Snapchat etc at that age is inappropriate in my view.

However, your dc is having friendship problems so you can't just ignore these comments. I think the crying is an issue that might need to be tackled. Is there a reason for her struggling to regulate her emotions? Any possible neurodivergence that might need to be investigated?

Are there no other children in the class with age-appropriate interests?

Mine hasn’t been bothered about toys for a long time (will play with Lego but that’s it). She’s super sporty and climbs, does a 30-minute hilly Parkrun, plays contact rugby and rides her bike by herself for 5k. Absolutely no tiktok, make-up, phones (and has no interest either/thinks her classmates who do are boring). She’s very independent and capable - she will make me a cup of tea, has been getting her own cereal in the morning from age 5, will chop veg for dinner, is solely responsible for the chickens and helps with her younger sibling (dressing, teeth, getting them breakfast). She doesn’t cry - despite the rugby!

I played with toys and Barbies up until around 11, when I went to secondary school. Even then I still played with these little plastic horses and riders with a friend who was 2 years younger.
I don't think it seems fair to try and tell her that her interests aren't grown up enough.
Help her with independence. Cooking, shopping, making things, fixings things in the home. You can teach her her these practical skills, but why shouldn't a 9 yo still like playing with toys?
She'll definitely grow out of it when she moves up schools I'd say.

Yes my late husband was the father to both of my children, she was 18 months old when he passed away

I don't think she sounds particularly babyish.

I do think so of the other girls sound like mean girls though.

I have ages either side of yours but if I used the 8 year old as an example, he:-

goes to cubs (so does weekends away with them)

swims independently, can collect 'sinkers'
from the bottom of the deep end etc

bakes independently (easily with the pre prepared boxes/packet mixes)

he make a cup of tea

can fly his drone

sorts his rabbits out daily

showers himself and washes his own hair

likes to play at the park

likes to play with play doh

likes to play remote control cars, go on trampoline, get his teepee out in the garden and teddies

I wouldn't let him have Snapchat, a device etc at his age. I think it's probably a bit of an overlapping age of all sorts they are in too

I I think she sounds fine and maybe she just needs nicer friends (and their parents)

This sounds like all the stuff I was doing at 9... Although I could play very contentedly by myself. I'd say I was still playing with toys until I moved up to secondary school.

But there's a fine line between letting a child be a child, and encouraging her to move up the maturity ladder in line with her friends. The fact that her friends seem to be drifting away is the most concerning part.

And maybe it's time for her to get her hair cut into a more manageable style for her to handle independently?

I would be more concerned if my 9 year old were interested in makeup and beauty regimes at 9. Ffs at that age they should be more into playing and parks and arts and crafts. Why are people so insistent on speeding their kids through childhood?

My youngest DD is (just!) An adult now, she struggled in high school in the same way. Seen as babyish, but in some ways was more adult that her peers. She's slightly quirky still likes toys and parks. In her case she channelled this into Girlguiding and scouting - Lots of outdoor games, crafts and fun practical skills and no encouragement of skincare regimes and make up at a ridiculous age. She is still involved with scouting now and encourages kids to be kids.

Some of the replies from posters on this thread are awful. Nine isn't a healthy age to be obsessed with their looks, it should be normal for them still to be playing, I know plenty of older boys who still play. Why are we doing this to our girls?

Absolutely teach her grown up skills - cooking, eating healthily, helping at home, growing things some light DIY (as you would also teach boys). But there is still plenty of room for play. If she likes parks, then what about outward bound type holidays - play parks for older kids and I'd definitely recommend girlguiding or scouts.

Just read all your replies and saw mention of a village school. Our worst time was at a village school, fortunately we moved away. But limited friendship choices and mixed year groups, where the younger tried to keep up with the older kids who were as much as 2yrs older. It wasn't a great time and seeing the same kids outside of school and at activities. Very cliquey and Mums who took their primary age daughters on "spa dates". All the kids were glad to be out of that school.

I think loads of replies are missing the point. I don't think that she plays with toys is the main point at all.
The main issue seems to be how she cries very easily and she sounds babyish in her communication in the examples you give.
Is she not allowed to play with make up? Is she generally allowed to do less than other girls her age? Because if the answer is yes, then this will isolate her.
When she talks about friends leaving her out, what is your response to this?
I wonder if you would benefit from bereavement support to her and to you? Your own bereavement may be part of the reason you are babying her more and not encouraging her to be more resilient.
Make up at this age is just playing. But there will be other girls who do not want to play with make up either. But the fact she cries easily will put many of these girls off.

The more you post, the more it unfortunately sounds like she's at school with a group of girls that she doesn't gel with for whatever reason.

I remember being the same at a similar age, I just didn't fit in and there just weren't enough girls in our year for multiple friendship groups.

I think there is nothing wrong with 9 yos playing with toys. No harm in encouraging some independence though so perhaps stop babying her. That sounds like you are doing that for your benefit.

@fieldsofbutterflies no one likes when 9 year olds frequently burst into tears.

She's a nine year old child being raised by a widowed parent, who lost her dad when she was just eighteen months old.

She's also being picked on and left out by her so-called "friends" on a regular basis, and is even told she should buy her friends make-up FGS.

Maybe look at the bigger picture here. This isn't about a little girl who cries easily.

Do you allow her to do make up ?

As you post she says what can we do if not allowed

My now 7 loves make up at 6 and would so it with friends

Snapchat for a 9yr - shudders. Imo no need

Also means they have their own mobile phone with internet access which I think can be an issue at 9

She can’t help crying! My DS cried at about fourteen when he won an award and one of the handles fell off the cup! He’s autistic but so what? Lots of children are sensitive.

No one was annoyed at all because the kids and teachers at his school were kind. Maybe if we taught kids (and teachers) to be kind and a bit more understanding, we wouldn’t have to tell nine year olds to stop themselves from crying in order to make everyone else more comfortable.

Agree.

OP, it might be worth buying and reading Queen Bees and Wannabees, by Rosalind Wiseman, and buying a copy for the clueless teacher too.

I think your daughter sounds as if she is being her own authentic self, and is still unafraid to talk to the other girls honestly ("not allowed to do makeup") but she's swimming with a bunch of sharks in school, and they have clearly decided she's their target. This is because she reminds them they've lost their true selves.

There is probably one "leader" among the girls and the rest have fallen in around her.

Just watching my 9 year old playing Lego after we’ve been out on her scooter. No skincare, TikTok Snapchat or a phone in sight.

Oh gosh this. It would make more sense bringing back/ having similar to other countries a 'middle school' start high school with year 9 (aged 13/14) not at 11.