Is DD babyish? What can your DD9 do?

[purplerobot]

DD turned 9 last week and is having friendship problems.

Everyone seems to think DD is babyish for her age, including friends and other kids parents (they say it nicely). I think some of her friends are too grown up (doing skin care and wearing makeup at 9??!) so I don't know.

My eldest was far more grown up at this age but times have changed. I have babied DC9 a bit more because she's my last baby so it's probably my fault.

What can your DC9 do?

She still would play with toys if I play with her. But none of her friends play at all. She doesn't play by herself but she never really has to be fair.

She cries easily (her teacher said she's very sensitive) and she cries often.

She likes YouTube and TikTok, she likes to make her little videos but they are maybe babyish in content. She goes to brownies and she likes the park etc.

She can make herself a drink of squash and a sandwich but I do it for her usually. She can make her own bed. She can shower herself (I do her hair as it's bum length and mega thick). She can do all the other basic stuff like teeth and getting dressed lol,

She isn't very athletic so not good with scooter or bike etc but she likes to go to the park. When she plays with her friends it tends to be lots of role play, dressing up, she tries to play toys - but over the last school term it's like her friends have grown up and left her behind, they don't want to do those things anymore and now she's left out.

I have realised I do baby her a lot, I've always done everything for her and as a result she is quite young for her age. Her sibling was very different at this age.

What does your DC9 do?

AIBU: she's a child it's fine
YNBU: you baby her and it needs to stop

Does sound as if the others are going along/trying to fit in so as not to be ostracised/bullied themselves.

This can happen, the worst thing is , no one will dare to step out of line in case they become a target like your DD, so they all become copies of each other. DD isn't toeing the line so they're trying to bully her into submission by showing her she's "missing out". Normally this starts a bit later , but it's obvious these girls are doing everything too early.

My advice would be to expand DD's social circle, clubs,activities, inviting other kids over ,playdates,sleepovers etc. She'll be too busy having fun to care , plus she might actually make some real,nice friends.

Is your DD not allowed to go to the sleepover or not invited?

Yes. I agree with you. In my experience, there are always a few girls in a class who have little interest in make up etc. seems odd that OPs DD is the one odd one out. Shame she can’t find like minded little girls.

She probably will be able to find new friends but it's hard isn't it at 9 to find a whole new friendship group.

I mean there are women on this site still trying to navigate it all!

She wasn't invited. They made it very clear to her that she wasn't invited

I don't think the interests are the problem, but crying and babyish behavior definitely are.

The girls are no longer friends with your DD it seems. I am not sure why you are still focussing on them? Move on and encourage your DD to do the same.

"My eldest is friends with the elder brother of the "leader" and while on the phone with him, she can clearly hear the "leader" saying "let's phone xxxxx and tell her we're having a sleepover""
I would be very sceptical that your eldest just happened to be on the phone at the right time to hear this. Take this with a pinch of salt OP.

Get her off TikTok.

Particularly hard at a village school, assuming it's a small one.

Help her find other friends. My 9 year old is going through similar with a girl in her year. They started out as friends but long story short my daughter caught her out in a lie.
kids should be allowed to be kids at that age, if they want to play with toys let them.
yes she will be upset about the sleepover. Is there another friend or even a child of someone you know you could arrange a special day out with?

THIS!
She's 9!
It's the ones letting them grow up too quick that are the problem.
Children should be children FFS

Stop babying her! I am a Year 1 teacher and I see such a massive difference in confidence and attainment between children who are encouraged to be independent and those whose parents dress them and organise their belongings for them and generally baby them. I am sure that this has a long term impact - children who are confident and can organise themselves have higher self esteem than those who wait for everything to be done for them. I am sure that this has mental health impacts too. You are doing your child such a disservice by babying her!

Another vote for this! It sounds like your DD is a very normal 9 year old.

Good lord who let you be a Year 1 teacher with that attitude. Of course some 5/6 year olds are still going to need more help with self care and organisation, that’s not ‘babying’ them. What a strange attitude to have.

Hi,

From safeguarding perspective what the girls are doing at the age of 9 (Snapchat, tik tok) they will regret later on in life (possibly their parents too). I think it is hard nowadays to balance out what is right in terms of social media. I really feel for you and your daughter.

If you have a chance speak with a safeguarding lead or someone from school that interacts with your daughter more (to sense the crux of the matter, how they view it).
Would it be possibly to add a other hobby to the mix to widen the peer group? I appreciate it isnnot overnight fix but may work.

There is such as massive mismatch between children in Year 1. Some are unable to get their book bag out of their bag or get changed for PE whilst others can get changed super quickly and organise themselves and others around them. If a child has everything done for them at home, they find it very hard when they come into an environment where they are one of 30 and they have to do things for themselves. A child whose parents have given them the tools and skills to have a degree of independence have given them a big advantage.

Why is she crying all the time? Yur Jo into her er build resilience!

What do YOU want your DD to be interested in? Makeup and TikTok or genuine hobbies and interests and sports?

I’m very open with my 8 year old that she won’t be wasting her childhood on screen time, gaming and social media, I don’t care what her friends are up to.

So hard to pigeonhole at that age. My DD is 16 but she started drifting from her her year 6/7 schoolfriends when they became keen on make up, pouting on Insta, current music etc. She went to secondary happy and secure with a bunch of friends, and by Christmas they had all moved on and found different friendship groups (calling DD immature to her face and being unkind).

She was always confident and popular and had never experienced this. Luckily she made more friends and moved on - but mean girls can be really mean!

My DD is sporty and active, but not interested in make up and fashion so she doesn't fit with the alpha girls group. No problem - she is fine in her own skin, and has her own friends. Some girls called her immature because of her lack of interest in clothes and dying her skin orange - but each to their own.

But I don't think she was playing with kids toys at 9, and she was always part of the main social groups at primary school. They scooted in the park after school and did gymnastics, and went round each others house and did silly videos of themselves dancing etc. She also did scouts and drama club and various social activities, where she was always welcomed. I think your DD does sound a bit young, but it's so hard to tell really. Secondary school is what sorts things out! Make sure she wears the right clothes, has an OK rucksack and a smartphone (although my two have PAYG and no data.....😁)

It was so much easier when we were kids......:-)

She sounds perfectly normal to me. Whilst there is absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging skincare from an early age, it just needs to be basic - all these tik toks with hundreds of products are just batshit for young girls and they will end up clogging their skin. Very soon she will be all over the make up and boys/girls and innocence will be lost in a cloud of smoke. Leave her be, she will catch up when she's ready.

My two dds are similar ages and very "young" in behaviour and interests.One is autistic and the other is awaiting assessment but probably is.

They both enjoy role playing, toys and their plushies but have phones and play games on them.

I know a pp mentioned bullying but I think much of that is the dynamics of the friendship group.Kids should be able to be kids, quirks included.One thing I have noticed is that the ones on social media early are usually quite unhappy. I know adults who struggle on social media so I think it's not great for young people.

There's a big difference between babying a child and letting them be their age. This poor girl is seeing others that are being pushed to be too old too soon

I know I'll get shouted at but do consider that your DD may be neurodiverse. This is the age when ASD becomes more obvious in girls. The desire for role play and the others seeing her as babyish, along with being so emotive about things would be markers for me. It's a time when they way we have friendships changes and ASD is often delayed in that type of social skill change.

Do have a word with the school's DSL about the videos though. My feeling is that they are underage and certainly shouldn't be doing such things in school uniform. It's seriously dangerous and also parental neglect. Don't feel you're a bad parent for not letting your child do something dangerous and possibly illegal.

Wow, I know it isn't always possible but I would seriously consider moving my dd if all this was already happening at 9 and there weren't other serious friendship options. Sounds like a very unfortunate peer group to me.

What a depressing thread, all about tik tok, videos and having a smartphone, it's really sad.

Your daughter sounds like a normal nine year old. My kids LOVED their toys until 11+. What a wonderful childhood.

Honestly, I think the problem lies solely with the mean "friends". Crying about it also feels normal and some kids are sensitive and some for good reason! I guess you'll have to spend time with her improving her self - esteem and remember how hard it is at that age when the more 'grown-up' kids liked to lord over the supposedly 'babyish' ones...(yet as an adult how often can we see that those kids are emotionally neglected / left to their own devices by uninterested parents). Or maybe they're the third+ child who acts more grown-up because of her siblings (and is emotionally on the same level as your daughter but has been exposed to more). It's so tough. I think she needs help to let those girls go and find other friends. Good luck!