Is DD babyish? What can your DD9 do?

[purplerobot]

DD turned 9 last week and is having friendship problems.

Everyone seems to think DD is babyish for her age, including friends and other kids parents (they say it nicely). I think some of her friends are too grown up (doing skin care and wearing makeup at 9??!) so I don't know.

My eldest was far more grown up at this age but times have changed. I have babied DC9 a bit more because she's my last baby so it's probably my fault.

What can your DC9 do?

She still would play with toys if I play with her. But none of her friends play at all. She doesn't play by herself but she never really has to be fair.

She cries easily (her teacher said she's very sensitive) and she cries often.

She likes YouTube and TikTok, she likes to make her little videos but they are maybe babyish in content. She goes to brownies and she likes the park etc.

She can make herself a drink of squash and a sandwich but I do it for her usually. She can make her own bed. She can shower herself (I do her hair as it's bum length and mega thick). She can do all the other basic stuff like teeth and getting dressed lol,

She isn't very athletic so not good with scooter or bike etc but she likes to go to the park. When she plays with her friends it tends to be lots of role play, dressing up, she tries to play toys - but over the last school term it's like her friends have grown up and left her behind, they don't want to do those things anymore and now she's left out.

I have realised I do baby her a lot, I've always done everything for her and as a result she is quite young for her age. Her sibling was very different at this age.

What does your DC9 do?

AIBU: she's a child it's fine
YNBU: you baby her and it needs to stop

She sounds lovely OP I don't think you have anything to worry about, I def was playing with toys at 9 not doing make up etc!

9 year olds should be playing with toys and not thinking about anything more mature yet. You are an adult for a long time in this life and a child for such a short time. Let her be young and innocent for as long as she can be!

It saddens me when friends tell me their 8 year olds want makeup and smellies for christmas. I was still asking for toys until I was a teenager!

What is she doing on TikTok at the age of 9? The minium age is 13. For a reason.

Her interests are completely fine. My dd played with Barbie's until around 10.5, more so when her younger cousin came round. However you could try giving her more responsibility. Little jobs that are achievable- washing herself, sorting her washing, tidying up etc. it will help to increase her confidences and resilience.

This!

My 9 year old DD sounds similar. I work in a school and I have no concerns that she is any different from her peers. They’ve got the rest of their lives for ‘more mature interests’

Could you maybe enroll her in a drama class or similar? She might find some like minded girls and make friends outside of school. Could be a social confidence boost?

Agree. My nine year old loves her teddies, crafting/painting, Lego, imaginary play & dolls/sylvanians etc. She enjoys the park, doing silly dances and cubs. Plenty of her friends do as well. She’s a child. Those are all perfectly normal activities for a child that I would imagine are significantly better for their development than make up, computer games or mobile phones (for example).

If you want to broaden her interests let her help out a bit with cooking, encourage her to try some other sports (swimming, climbing, team stuff like football or rugby?), maybe try a drama club or take her to watch some shows etc. If my daughter’s friends were seriously getting into makeup/hair/social media already then I’d be quietly encouraging her to spend more time with her less adult aping but possibly more mature in reality friends from cubs (or brownies in your case)

Mature interests. Fucking hell.

My 9 year old plays Minecraft and likes watching YouTube but I limit and monitor screen time. I expect kids that don't have other interests don't have limits set but I don't want my children on screens all day. He still loves playmobil, Lego, going to the park and playing on the climbing frame with ds6. I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

He doesn't know what TikTok is. He can shower by himself but I make sure he is washing his hair properly

My dd just turned 9 and I think of her as quite grown up but she certainly isn't into skin care etc! She likes playing - role play type games with her friends. She'd enjoy dress up if her younger cousin was here. She likes art, reading, playing on the trampoline and swing, swimming, board games, quizzes. Kid stuff - I didn't think that was unusual. Chores wise she gets herself dressed, teeth brush, stuff ready for the day, enjoys cooking but I supervise, I also comb her hair in the bath. I took a bunch of kids away recently and say she's probably more independent than most of them really so yours sounds fine to me. Are her friends just not very nice?

Has she been on a camp with the brownies? These can be a good way to build a bit of independence/confidence and is a good tester for when they go on the longer residential trips with school

Make up on a nine year old is messed up!

Theres no way she’s the only girl who plays with toys. Is it more how sensitive she is?

It depends I suppose what the adults think the issue is. If they think the issue is she plays with toys then I think the adults are being ridiculous. If they think the issue is emotional regulation that’s a concern to work on independent of what activities she likes

She sounds fine for a 9 year old.

My dds definitely still played with toys at 9 and probably until aged about 11.

I would think its a bit sad to be dragging a 9 year old away from childhood.

My 10yr old plays Minecraft, listens to music, reads lots, would watch YouTube if we let her. She also sleeps with two cuddly toys, lines her others up neatly and tucks them into shoebox beds. She makes up dances with her friends and spends hours practicing cartwheels and gymnastics moves, she builds cardboard houses for the cat and guinea pigs and decorates them. She paints her nails, and then paints Barbie. She would love a trip to the park, as would her friends.

She also independent and responsible in many ways. Independent doesn’t mean she has to be wearing makeup or watching TikTok.

I remember being the sad 9yr old who had friends that weren’t into playing anymore. I pretended to like what they liked but was glum. I then luckily made new friends and I distinctly remember asking for a baby doll that Christmas when I turned 10. I was so relieved that I could be myself again.

I also used to cry lots and was ‘sensitive’ when I was unhappy with my old classmates. When I found new friends the ‘sensitivity’ stopped. I was crying and sensitive as I was unhappy but struggling to express myself.

Let your DD mature in her own time. She sounds lovely

I think it's sad that a 9 year old is judged for liking toys.

When I was around that age I wasn't in to role play but I remember some girls at school were, and played those kind of games at lunchtime.

I wasn't in to hair, makeup or fashion, but again there was a group of girls who were.

People like what they like. I know adults who like lego and dolls houses. There must be other kids who like those things too who she could be friends with. Certainly sounds more fun to me than TikToc.

The problem is your DD's peers not your DD.

I don't know what to suggest as you seem to be between a rock and a hard place here - either you encourage/force your DD to grow up prematurely and leave her childhood behind before she's ready to do so or you deal with the heartbreak that comes from a child not fitting in with their peer group.

It's a difficult one. I find these things are driven by area/parental demographic, so I'd move personally to somewhere where the parents are more sensible and the children are allowed a longer childhood. But that's probably an extreme solution for your situation so maybe encourage her to make out-of-school friends with children who aren't being exposed to so many harmful influences.

Seriously have I just read you’re encouraging her to have some self respect by learning baking and helping around the house. Are you wanting her to become a 50s housewife FFS?!?!

i’d be removing tik tok and tablet access and encouraging play with toys.

These were my thoughts too! My DGDs didn't really play with toys often, but loved climbing trees and still do at up to 17! They'll play board games and lots of crafts. My DD played with toys till she was at least 12.
What world where a 9 year old is shunned for not being mature 😞

@KarmenPQZ
Seriously have I just read you’re encouraging her to have some self respect by learning baking and helping around the house. Are you wanting her to become a 50s housewife FFS?!?!

Helping around the house, baking, taking out the bins, feeding animals, putting away laundry are all important steps in helping young children to develop healthy self-esteem. Maybe read about it before scoffing at the suggestion.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/it-starts-at-home/202308/the-benefits-of-kid-chores

For god sake she’s 9!
Let her play! For as long as she wants to!!… they’re only kids once!
But in other areas she does need to be encouraged to be more independent…
My DD played but didn’t tell her friends she did. She found it therapeutic to play. I think kids are forced to grow up too early… on the other hand my DD has always been mature in all other ways, she was making all her own drinks, sandwiches by 9 or 10, and making me hot drinks.
But there’s also no rush to grow up… we spend a loooong time as adults and it’s pretty dull!

My 9yo likes her teddies and Barbies. She plays Minecraft & Roblox. She writes and draws and reads a lot.

She can make a cup of tea and a sandwich, does her own packed lunch when asked. She sorts socks and is good at tidying up.

She walks herself to school (with her older brother) but still gets picked up afterwards.

She's spent all afternoon with her friends at a village Fayre, managing her own money etc.

She does sports, drama and cubs. Cubs in particular is great for independence- they run pretty feral at camps.

She sounds absolutely normal. There should be no rush for children to grown up. I'd make the most of it whilst you still can.

Yes to all of this.

The girls who have turned their backs on her are insecure. They may have seen videos she has put up on TikTok. Stop her making videos.

There are a few things I would do if I were you.
Have her hair cut if she agrees. It will make it possible for her to do all her own bathing. You could help her blow it dry, but she needs privacy in the shower or bath and she needs to have manageable hair.

Exceptionally long hair and sports/ swimming don't mix.

Encourage her to develop her confidence on bikes, scooters, etc.

Find some extra curricular activity outside of school that would boost her confidence - drama, choir, art...
If you can spend time together on little trips to local events, that might be nice. Art exhibits, museums, musical events, etc. If the two of you have the time, maybe volunteer at an animal shelter together, or some other local thing requiring volunteers - a Guides litter-picking-up day, etc..

Encourage her to do more in the kitchen, including cleaning up after herself. Stop getting drinks and making sandwiches for her. Encourage more independence. Cook and bake together. Teach her to use the washing machine and dryer, hang up clothes, deal with dry clothes.

Get her off TikTok - no more videos! and make sure she can't access adult content or 16+ content on YouTube. Nothing good will come of exposure to SM like that at such a young age.

She's not too young to learn to take care of her skin and clothing, to be aware of nutrition, or learn about puberty.
I recommend "The Care and Keeping of You" published by American Girl Press as a gentle introduction to the years and stages that lie ahead for her. There are books in this series about navigating friendships too.

It has been found that nothing improves self respect and self esteem like becoming a useful member of the household, and this is done by means of learning from a patient adult, receiving positive feedback, and having an adult keep you to a consistent schedule.

Chores are incredibly important.

Play at 9 is absolutely fine.