Where can a good looking, educated 30 yo woman meet a man in London?

[Rehne]

I turned 30 last month and it was quite possibly one of the top 10 saddest days of my life. Probably broke down in tears 3/4 times just due to dissatisfaction with where I am in life.

So I have a lot going for me. Objectively considered beautiful, went to top university and in decent enough shape. Got onto a Times 100 grad screme and have a decently enough paid job.

My university boyfriend and I broke up during Covid and I’ve been struggling to convert dates into relationships.

I’m dating supposedly grown up, successful men in their 30s but have not come across on viable option.

In the past year I’ve been on dates with 2 doctors, a guy from JP Morgan and someone who owned their own business. And I’ve had unsolicited dick pics, love bombing…you name it.

It may sound like I’m going after a certain type but I’m just interested in someone who has their head screwed on re finances. As I would like to be a mum.

Where can I meet guys in London? I’m really over the apps. So many weird men in the world.

My career is fine but it hasn’t exactly exploded the way I had intended. And my love life is dead. I’m 30 (want to be a mum). And just really scared.

I can go to a pub/bar no problem and get approached but nothing ever comes of it - well other than dick pics it seems.

I think my personality is nice enough - I’m considerate, kind and easy going. Do not let it known how “desperate” I really am.

To be fair she doesn't want to date a bloke from the meat counter at Tesco's does she?

I think you are massively missing the point with the salary thing.

You can't love someone for their salary. You can be attracted to ambition and hard work for sure but money in itself is not what makes a person husband material. You are excluding so many people based on this one aspect. If you love someone you go through life ups and downs together. You might have times of not a lot of cash but it doesn't matter because you are together. Children can have a lovely life without wads of cash. There are significantly more people out there earning less than 7Ok than earning over it and they are having nice lives! They may have harder days - who doesn't- but most wouldn't trade the people they love for material things. Your focus seems all wrong. You need to find someone you can love and then as a team you work through things like parenthood together.

If you were being really pragmatic you’d realise a man who owns property at 30 on a lower salary is a better bet than a man earning 70k who is also in a flat share.

And I forgot to mention the most important thing of all! Which is: don't select your man primarily on the superficial criteria.

The point of all my advice on how to surround yourself with men of the type you want is precisely to give you room to select on what really matters, which is values and fit.

I think some people are being a bit harsh. OP is just being honest and it is clear that she is not completely rigid, rather she is setting out in essence what she wants. If OP wants children and to live in London money does matter.

If you want children (particularly more than one) in a traditional marriage setting I can see why you are nervous to meet someone soon. Of course you can go it alone with a sperm donor but it is completely understandable if you don't want that, or it be a very last resort.

My son is a year younger than you and FWIW one of his single friends (same age) stayed with us last weekend and we all had a very interesting conversation about dating. The general gist is that neither are fussed as to whether their partner earns a good salary, is in a professional job or highly educated, albeit my son's long-term GF is all of those. Both want children and finding someone who shares that desire is (or was in my son's case) high on the list. Both also said a person who is fun and shares their values is pretty much on a par with a desire to have children. His friend made no secret of the fact that as his preference is to have 3-4 children, he would not consider a person his own age as he would not want to be timed out. He is therefore looking for someone mid 20s.

For me, status is important. If I am honest it is what appealed most about my partner. But it is not about his salary, it's his morals, his work and social ethic and his intellect that give him standing. The latter is what gives me butterflies. We are all different though.

This is a very sobering post.

Cycling/running clubs.

And if your 'career is fine but it hasn’t exactly exploded the way I had intended', then why can't you consider a nice, kind man in the same boat?

Somebody’s job and financial situation are not a reflection of their personality. You need to work out what character traits you are looking for - maybe 5 max, go to a paid online dating site- the free one's are full of weirdos and go on a date with anyone who is a 95% match, regardless of their job or looks. You’ll have fun , build confidence and maybe meet someone. There’s a lid for every pot .

Honestly, 30 is not very old these days. I think you just need to keep plugging away at it, doing all the usual things (apps, events and generally just putting yourself out there). Take breaks for your sanity as and when you need to because that’s important too.

I’ve not read through all the replies but I’ve been in your shoes and I know it can feel like an awful lot of people you meet have red flags (can’t hold down a job for any length of time, serious long-term mental health problems, etc.). To an extent it really is just a numbers game. Mr. Right could potentially show up virtually anywhere. I don’t think there are specific places you need to target beyond what you’re probably already doing.

I didn’t start TTC until 36 and have managed to have three children. Obviously I’m not saying this is the case for everyone but I don’t think you need to be despairing yet.

Always pull in the Spoons - all sorts go in there

Since the Euros are coming up why don't you just go to a pub that's showing an (England) game? Or if you you quickly booked a wee break to Germany then you'd have your pick of jovial football supporters. My friend had been single for ages and her and a friend booked tickets for a Scotland away match despite not having a huge interest in football, they had a great drunken time and both met their future husbands.

Join a CrossFit gym. I go to one in London and there have been multiple couples meet in the gym and go on to get married. You have to be pretty wealthy to afford the extortionate membership fees. You’ve already said you go to the gym regularly- perfect!

@Rehne

I was not going to post as I agree with 80% of the answers here.

But I have one news for you. Shock horror: The decent blah blah men with a decent income wanting to start a family with someone who can contribute financially, might also be looking for the same or more in terms of finances from their partner. Sorry to break it to you, for London, £70K salary you have is not considered a 'decent salary' for teh pool you are clearly fishing for/in. Try earning £100k-£150K yourself and maybe, just maybe you will meet the man you want.

In other words, give it another 5 years of no success and you will naturally relax and accept the reality that is competitive London dating- it is hard to let go of what you believe you deserve, just yet. Brutal for women as London has more decent women than men and, more women allowing men to use them even as FWB nonsense.

It is a job on its own. I travelled and met a lovely DP who died from Covid. I opened myself to all possibilities, even just to see. What worked was being 100% honest as I knew the longer I stayed single the wealthier I got which was now being a negative too- own million pound house and having choses afforded to a select few, but wanting a 'decent, family oriented person'. SO if you were uncomfortable with my home, you removed yourself. If not wanting a woman who wanted a family, you left. Until I met a guy, for laughs and recall discreetly taking a photo of his classic car when he turned up ( also to send it to my friend for safety but more for a laugh)- just wanted a drive with someone I could see was not weird; but decided that if he was a plonker, I would never see him again. Well, he turned out to be a charming gentleman, with his own house (I needed this to protect mine) and were married in 3 months as we were both 100% honest with each other from teh word go. Let go of preconceived ideas and meet people.

Also, tehre are male golddiggers in London. Also men who will make out they are solvent but are not. Luckily, if you are principled, their lies come crumbling down with 3 weeks to 3 months. So keep your eyes and ears open. I had spider ears to weed them out as I too ran out of time. However, I was always relaxed and perfected the air of can take it or leave it. Saying you want kids one day was a downgrade for me, so men you say that to may wrongly think you don't want kids. That was an appropriate answer 10 years ago, but not anymore as many many women and women no longer want kids, in the UK according to recent survey.

Good luck. Unfortunately you can only learn from your own mistakes re OLD.

It is on MN!

I’m kind of disturbed by how many mumsnetters are demeaning me for having very normal standards for a professional woman

It’s because theirs are much lower, so they think you fancy yourself.

I didn’t start TTC until 36 and have managed to have three children. Obviously I’m not saying this is the case for everyone but I don’t think you need to be despairing yet.

OTOH I met my husband when I was just over 30, began TTC at 34 when we married, low ovarian reserve and am lucky to have my one child.

Anecdotal tales aren’t particularly helpful here.

I hear what you’re saying OP, it is just hard. I agree with the hobbies option - particularly intellectual, culture oriented hobbies as they’re more likely to attract educated professionals.

I’d also give an introduction agency a whirl - why not? A friend of mine did one years ago, she actually met her husband on holiday but she enjoyed the dating just the same.

I’m looking for a guy in finance, with a trust fund, 6’5, blue eyes!

in all seriousness, it’s so difficult, what is it about these guys you don’t like ?

OP has simply said she wants to date a guy who has a job comparable to hers who has “his head screwed on” re finances. Of course she does. That’s why she’s looking a professional men - doctor, banker, blah blah. Why would she not?

To be fair to the OP, she said a man in the same position as her would be fine. She doesn’t want to date someone who’s earning significantly less /has significantly less potential (so assume someone earning less now but on a career track to match would be fine.)

she’s hardworking herself and intelligent- someone less in either would not be a good match long term even if he would be lovely for someone else. If you know you wouldn’t be happy with someone who was lazier or didn’t share your attitude to work/money or wasn’t as bright as you, then it’s entirely right to filter them out, even if some other people think that’s overly picky.

Peoples intentions are incredibly obvious.

I've definitely been put off by people who I could see were trying to scope out my financial situation. Like them, I imagine you think you are being subtle, but it was very obvious to me. They never would have guessed the reality of my financial situation.

While 70k is a salary to be proud of, the poster above is right that high earning men often marry women in the 100k - 150k earning bracket. The only exceptions I can think about in my social circle are people who met through a religion.

My advice - look for hard work and generosity as qualities you admire. A teacher may not be on 70k, but has higher earning potential and also holidays off with DC. A friend of mine earns significantly more than her husband, but husbands family are incredibly supportive - take kids camping, childcare, come over when parents are sick, have done renovations on their home.

I know gorgeous, intelligent professional women who have happily married men who work in supermarkets or gyms. They've been the main earners and have very supportive partners. They can move for their careers if needed. They all live outside London which means they can have the lifestyle and house they want.

OP, this whole post made me cringe. It seems like you have a fairly long list of requirements. You're not going to find a Mr Perfect in his 30s. When you are in love, you grow together.

OP - you’ve had good advice. I would add something like the charity organised events for something like climbing the 3 peaks would fit your hobby of walking with meeting new people. (Remember it’s not just about meeting a man- increasing the people you know increases the chance they’ll introduce you to someone you’d not meet otherwise).

see if some of your girlfriends (be they married or not) fancy a skiing trip this winter, book in group beginner lessons.

the golf idea sounds good, are group beginner lessons possible?

Could you quote the “long list”?

What a long and strange thread.

Go out to pubs in smart parts of London during the day with an outgoing girlfriend or two and strike up conversations with the guys at the next table. Euros are coming up and Wimbledon is always a good one, so you have some readymade topics of conversation.

Get a dog, or borrow one. Walk them in smart and busy public parks. Kensington Gardens is a good one.

Get a hobby that isn’t female dominated. Try tennis or Parkrun. Join the London shooting school or a golf club and take a group class. Ask colleagues at work for an introduction if they are members only.

Tell everyone you work with that you’re in the market for a husband, and ask them to set you up for a pub date with a mate of theirs.

Join Soho House and ‘work from home’ there.