Where can a good looking, educated 30 yo woman meet a man in London?

[Rehne]

I turned 30 last month and it was quite possibly one of the top 10 saddest days of my life. Probably broke down in tears 3/4 times just due to dissatisfaction with where I am in life.

So I have a lot going for me. Objectively considered beautiful, went to top university and in decent enough shape. Got onto a Times 100 grad screme and have a decently enough paid job.

My university boyfriend and I broke up during Covid and I’ve been struggling to convert dates into relationships.

I’m dating supposedly grown up, successful men in their 30s but have not come across on viable option.

In the past year I’ve been on dates with 2 doctors, a guy from JP Morgan and someone who owned their own business. And I’ve had unsolicited dick pics, love bombing…you name it.

It may sound like I’m going after a certain type but I’m just interested in someone who has their head screwed on re finances. As I would like to be a mum.

Where can I meet guys in London? I’m really over the apps. So many weird men in the world.

My career is fine but it hasn’t exactly exploded the way I had intended. And my love life is dead. I’m 30 (want to be a mum). And just really scared.

I can go to a pub/bar no problem and get approached but nothing ever comes of it - well other than dick pics it seems.

I think my personality is nice enough - I’m considerate, kind and easy going. Do not let it known how “desperate” I really am.

This is so so true.

OP if your priority is having kids over the next few years, then I’d be prioritising finding someone who will make that process easy for you.

Yes finances are important as kids aren’t cheap. But have a look through some threads on here and you’ll see so many posters with absolutely useless, lazy husbands. It’s hard (as men can pretend very well in early stages when waiting for sex) but really try not to marry one of those. Unless of course you’re happy to shoulder most of the domestic/child related responsibility. But I’m guessing as you’re a career woman then you will want more of an equal partnership rather than doing 90% of everything on top of your job. Having kids really opens your eyes to the difference in the lives that men and women lead.

I’m not saying go for someone completely outside your comfort zone…and 10 years ago I might have been saying the same things you are about criteria. But many of of the points you have listed are unimportant in the grand scheme and in the long term.

I would focus on men with a good heart who make you laugh and have some chat. Obviously you need to fancy them too. I wouldn't consider money (unless they didn't have a job at all on a long term basis / deliberately bummed around not making any money). I earn three times more than my partner. The money isn't important.

Do you mean you want to become a SAHM? Is that why you’re looking for a man on very high salary now?

No I’ve said up thread I do not want to be a SAHM. I would like to take the first year/18 months off post baby.

I enjoy working and am prone to cabin fever.

I met DH at a sailing club in London. Friends have mostly met their DHs through hobbies - climbing, dance, choir. It's good to have that shared interest and doing a weekly activity means you get to know each other gradually compared to an online chat or meeting in a bar.

DH earned about 3x my income when we met, now I earn twice his income. And he earned more than 100k at 30 and we split the laundry, dinner duties and taking care of the dcs.

I don’t think the OP is being boastful, just honest and setting the background. Nothing monumental to add other than do be willing to compromise (obviously not on being loved and respected), friends brothers can be a rich vein and ultimately consider going it alone if you really want a child. Good luck OP, I think you sound perfectly sensible and a good catch!

I think the catch is finding someone who can provide so you can have time off tbh, not just financially but willingness! Alternatively they might be financially able but be a shit husband and father and make your life 10x harder. I went back to work when my babies were small, but my partner is hands on and does more than his half of everything which is worth more to me than someone who’ll let me stay off but the kids are my sole responsibility 24/7 with no support.

I honestly think you’d be better off scrapping the list, and just letting something develop entirely organically.

I do think as well, like others have said, London is a different kettle of fish with so many people in flat shares etc, there’s a tendency to settle down later. I’m also 30, and all my friends out of London are more settled whereas none of my friends in London are - they’re still out living their best lives 🤣

Good luck though!! X

That’s perfectly possible below the salary expectations you’ve listed. Why won’t you date anyone on a lower salary than you?

OP hasn’t got an unreasonable list of requirements - she’s looking for someone who would be a decent father. I don’t think her posts imply that she has an unreasonable high opinion of herself and needs a reality check that she is ‘ordinary’ as you phrase it.

Your ‘fear mongering’ post of your friend who is now 52 is unnecessary. Implying that someone needs to lower their standards to find someone to settle down with is also unhelpful- quite often that ends up with divorce, cheating or unsatisfying marriages that are also rife on this site.

I remember being a similar age and wondering similar things (although earning about 1/3 of your amazing salary - well done!). I haven't got an answer as to how to meet the right person. I think at the end of the day, you can go on loads of blind dates, do as many hobbies as you like (most will be full of other single women) etc, but it's just down to luck.

What I did want to say is, to me, you posts come across as very much wanting a baby soon. If that's the case, don't rule out the possibility of having one alone. It's far better to do that, than to settle or to rush into something with someone who isn't right, just because you want a family.

OP you seem a sensible lady not looking for anything unreasonable or unattainable! I would hold off on the baby chat too early on, could kill the vibe and make him run for the hills. But his openness to having a family can be casually drawn out of him over a relatively small period on the first few dates or so.

In terms of hobbies, I would go GOLF all the way. My partner is a golfer. The course is swarming with mainly men at weekends. (Then there’s the driving range too which can lend itself to golf chat etc!) Some of them will be single, the shyer types / more reserved / who perhaps wont even be on OLD. Not every single available person is. You could possibly meet the kind of man you are looking for via this specific sport! ⛳️
Hiking groups also option, but for some reason I imagine these to be full of arrogant older gentlemen puffing away with their hiking sticks trying to get in front but I’m probably wrong.

Surely the people.being snarky about OP wanting a partner on a decent salary have read the numerous threads about the cost of mortgages/nursery/commuting in London and now two salaries of £70k/whatever isn't enough.
Of course she wants someone who earns similar to her so they can afford all that stuff

Your list of requirements are missing the most important part. Somebody you can chat easily with, somebody you can trust, share a similar sense of humour, makes you laugh and wants a family Obviously everyone wants everything but very few have it all. Concentrate on personality first.

But I’m older now and it is with age that I realised the important things tbh and probably because sadly the humour is missing in my marriage.

OP doesn’t have to have to settle in London though. She may want to, but you can’t always have everything you want. Most people are driven out of London by the cost being too high – accepting that as a likelihood does not mean you are lowering your standards, it means it’s not realistically attainable.

This is all a bit tongue in cheek, but only a bit:

You need to meet and marry a friend/brother/cousin of a friend or colleague who you like and respect (including older colleagues who want their thirty something kids to settle down with a lovely young woman not the chaotic manic pixie dream girls they keep bringing home just once.

Spend energy on reigniting your friendship group from uni or school and strengthening your social bonds with similar colleagues. Throw a dinner party where everyone brings a friend no one else knows, or organise a big picnic in the park. Suggest getting a group together to go skiing or rent a villa somewhere. If you are on good terms with your uni ex, chat with him. Ask if he knows anyone he thinks you'd get on with.

You have money. You want a man with money. You need to hang out where such men relax, doing something you genuinely enjoy for its own sake. Join a good tennis club or an expensive gym or sailing club. If you sing or play an instrument, join a good-standard orchestra, or form a jazz band or chamber orchestra. If you love the arts, go to book signings and readings, to galleries and join a theatre club for under forties.

Say yes to things. I met DH when a friend staying with me dragged me out on a bitter winter night to meet her old friend, when I really wanted to stay home with a book. A friend met her DH recently at an advanced evening class for a skill she had.

Was it fear mongering or is it realism based on my experience and that of two friends who are twenty years further along than the OP? Perhaps we are not supposed g to o say anything if we don’t agree? Yet the OP has found herself on a parenting forum looking for answers.

Stop being desperate and breaking down in tears on your birthday just because you are single with no kids. Men can smell that from a mile away

OMG please tell me you're trolling! 'breaking down in tears' because you're single at the grand old age of 30 is hilarious

As someone who went through exactly the same but did meet the love of my life at 34, this is what I did:

1. Went to a nice local church/synagogue etc.
2. Got involved in associations/clubs/political parties.
3. Social dancing (ballroom etc)
4. Prioritised my love life (should have put this at the top) :-)
5. oh, and change jobs if need be

Go on at least three dates as sometimes (mostly in fact), people are nervous on first dates and don’t seem as attractive because of it.

Really confident men usually means they’ve been around the mulberry bush a few too many times. Be aware.

Let a man know on a first date that you’re dating for marriage/children. If he’s put off, it means he’s not serious about relationships. Remember, telling him doesn’t mean it’s him you want to have babies with but it weeds many of the time wasters out.

And don’t sleep with anyone until you’re sure he’s the one. A good man will respect you and your boundaries.

London is hard as are most big cities these days but I know of many success stories of women in their 30s and even 40s finding their one and only so don’t despair.

And btw, I never lowered my standards.

Join a running/rowing/tennis/lacrosse/hockey club! Any sport club with a social element really. Friends of mine have met serious partners that way. V successful strategy

Well single women in their 30s are bombarded with messages like this. Literally just saw on my recommended on YouTube.

So I am worried. I’ve been single since Covid, I’m inexperienced with dating (met previous bf at uni) and unfulfilled professionally.

Dismissing my concerns is incredibly unkind.

Thanks everyone for taking time to offer suggestions.

What does “support a family” mean?

Does it mean “pay all of the bills so I won’t have to work” or does it mean “contribute half of the effort required to take care of children,” which could mean earning less than you if they do more of the childcare / cooking / cleaning. / life admin, or earning the same and doing half of those other tasks?

Also, in my experience, civil servants in London tend to be more serious about starting relationships. Something to keep in mind when you’re sizing someone up.

Some people are being quite unkind, but I really hear where you’re coming from. 30 can be a scary number!! You’ve got loads of time and it is 100% possible to meet someone outside of the apps