Where can a good looking, educated 30 yo woman meet a man in London?

[Rehne]

I turned 30 last month and it was quite possibly one of the top 10 saddest days of my life. Probably broke down in tears 3/4 times just due to dissatisfaction with where I am in life.

So I have a lot going for me. Objectively considered beautiful, went to top university and in decent enough shape. Got onto a Times 100 grad screme and have a decently enough paid job.

My university boyfriend and I broke up during Covid and I’ve been struggling to convert dates into relationships.

I’m dating supposedly grown up, successful men in their 30s but have not come across on viable option.

In the past year I’ve been on dates with 2 doctors, a guy from JP Morgan and someone who owned their own business. And I’ve had unsolicited dick pics, love bombing…you name it.

It may sound like I’m going after a certain type but I’m just interested in someone who has their head screwed on re finances. As I would like to be a mum.

Where can I meet guys in London? I’m really over the apps. So many weird men in the world.

My career is fine but it hasn’t exactly exploded the way I had intended. And my love life is dead. I’m 30 (want to be a mum). And just really scared.

I can go to a pub/bar no problem and get approached but nothing ever comes of it - well other than dick pics it seems.

I think my personality is nice enough - I’m considerate, kind and easy going. Do not let it known how “desperate” I really am.

There's truth in this .

I was in your position 10 years ago.
Honestly if you are smart and educated your pool is smaller and its harder.
online dating sadly is your best bet
i literally treated it like a job
I logged 10-20hrs per week. every week.

I ended up OLD for 3 long years
By year 3 i flat out declined first dates with all guys who were bankers or had "gilet jobs".
Ditto doctors.

You have to look outside the box a bit and get serious early.
I loosened up age criteria and stop giving a shit about height. I also had hard conversations early eg on date 4 i was like "im 33 you are 26... if we get serious we cant mess about. You need to have a good idea about what you want. If its not marriage and kids dont waste my time" 🤣
we had the wedding and have the house the kids and a dog

My now dh is 6 years younger and short (which in part was why he was prob single / available).
He isnt too bad but his friends are fucking children
... jobs at freshfield, jp morgan, linklaters or is a CIO
none of them can drive, they can't wash clothes properly, commit to a plan, cant unblock a toilet or do basic tasks... its pretty shocking stuff.

Don’t let anyone tell you kids aren’t expensive. They are! I just spend less on holidays and going out now, so it balances out. Nursery is a killer, especially in London. My salary is good, but now I work PT about 2/3 goes on nursery (in theory, in practice we share money so it’s not an issue).

I Was you 8 years ago. I met my husband on bumble. Most of my colleagues did too (or hinge, POF etc). I felt the same, I wanted to meet some who could support a family, it’s just a fact of life that a lot of women want to take a full mat leave and then work reduced hours for a few years, don’t let people make you feel bad!

i was fortunate that I met my husband quickly, but others have told me that for them it was a numbers game. A few messages, possibly a call, meet for a coffee/drink, if you like them suggest another or staying out for dinner. If you don’t like them, quickly cut your loses and move on. Be open and upfront, don’t be a ‘cool girl’ if that’s not you. I told
my husband on our second date I was looking for marriage and a family, the right person won’t be put off, so long as you aren’t crazy or pushy! We got engaged after 2 years, married close to 4(Covid!).

Try to enjoy the dating! Don’t rush, it will happen, but 6 months can feel like aaaages when you want to get married and have a baby. Enjoy the baby feee holidays/ evenings out - it’s not the same when you’ve got a baby at all!

It’s funny you say that JP Morgan guy couldn’t drive. And when I mentioned I was going to a restaurant in his sister’s city he said I love their x, I always get my sister to drive me there when I go up.

Didn’t break it off straight away with him but it was a turn off.

Go to the Tate Modern lates on a Thursday, full of cool, arty people in their 20's and 30's. They have DJ's, talks, a bar!

www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/tate-modern/tate-modern-lates

The problem for you I think is that many men simply don't want kids. And many of them are perfectly happy to lie and pretend they do in order to date.

But as there are a growing number of woman who also don't want kids, from two camps - first camp simply don't want them, second camp have had them and they don't want any more - then these men can shag away without worrying about disturbing their lovely life with the hard work of kids.

That can be the biggest pull of all for men, never mind how pretty you are, I honestly think many don't give a shit as long as they can get casual sex.

I cba at the moment, but when I (48, reasonably pretty but I doubt in your league) I was on the apps, I was inundated by requests from 30 something males; I presume cos I don't want kids.

I don't think this is fair. We don't know op. She's simply giving facts. That's surely allpwed.

I’ve become disillusioned with apps because even the ones designed for more serious dating are full of men just wanting a shag or asking me to come over. Yuck.

Or even park run! Take a friend and go for coffee after.

Yes, to cool running clubs as well!

www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/how-run-clubs-got-cool-best-running-clubs-london-b1151161.html

This is VERY true. My colleague, at 35 was internet dating for a looooong time and just got to the point where she would be honest to a fault on first dates. She would say exactly what she wanted in life and told them where the door was if they weren’t serious about that. She would also end a date in 15 minutes if they weren’t for her. It worked – she married a great guy, they’ve been married over a decade and he also made a fuck ton of money in investments and they paid off the mortgage in their London 4-bed in their 40s.

But you just have to block, block, block. Don’t get annoyed over it – it’s not worth your emotions.

Oh and his dinners most nights were pasta and Sriracha.

@Rehne its just embarrassing right?

My closing comment is while you might be bringing a lot to the party you have to accept you just wont get everything in return
You just wont. You'll bring more and do more because the patriarchy is alive and well and every layer of society is stacked in mens favour.

Also because the guy making a 100k at 30 (who'll make 250k by 40) generally ISNT the guy who will do the laundry and wash poo out of a baby grow or split nights with you 50/50 when the baby is up

The guy who will do that and who is kind and peace loving probably hates conflict and cant/wont fight your corner for you etc etc. You catch my drift

Working out what you really want helps with the sifting process

I am not ashamed to say I started serious husband hunting at about 25. It wasn't a lot of fun to be honest. I was married at 28. After a whole lot of accountants and lawyers, I ended up going out with a scientist, mainly because I was at a bit of a loose end, since the chap I had been seeing married his ex while on holiday without telling me. (I'm not joking!)

I told him that he wasn't my type. He rather dryly pointed out that my type hadn't been a great success so far. We've been married for over 30 years. No, he didn't earn as much as me but his expenses were less than mine - free parking at a research facility and no need to get dressed up. Meanwhile, as a solicitor in those days I was wearing suits, pantyhose and paying a lot for parking.

I actually met him through a friend. She is godmother to our oldest child. I don't think there's any harm in asking your friends if there is anybody they could introduce you to. Also, aim for men 35 and up as they are more likely to be looking to get married. I think you are going to have to relax your criteria a bit too. The 6'3", good looking 30 something with a degree and who is making pots of money is a rare beast and those men have their pick of women and, bluntly, are likely to be going out with 20 somethings.

Also release your inner mean girl when dating. Men love somebody who is a bit hard to get. Don't be endlessly kind and understanding. I was like that and men didn't respect me for it. In fact, they behaved very badly indeed. Once somebody I had been seeing for a while dropped off a card in my letterbox for my birthday and slunk off - no call, no dinner - and I never complained. I should have dumped him immediately.

'I’ve become disillusioned with apps because even the ones designed for more serious dating are full of men just wanting a shag or asking me to come over. Yuck.'

Unfortunately the apps are a reflection of the same men in real life.

Wow....I will ask my 3 if they felt like paupers. The point is that buying second hand is not only good for the planet but you can buy great quality clothes that have been worn a handful of times, for a fraction of the price, if you are not snobby about them being second hand.
You can fly to your all inclusive Caribbean holidays all you like but until the kids are teenagers, they are just as happy camping or staying with cousins/friends. We were lucky to have family and friends in nice places around Europe and our kids were great at long drives. We went to Berlin most years to see family.
DH and I used flexible working, both doing condensed hours and sharing childcare, to not need to use a nursery. Had a childminder for a few months for one child, one day a week but then had 3 preschoolers so childcare was not worth it.
There were a few years where we had very little money but our kids always had what they needed.

If you are on a decent salary, then that quite limiting to insust they earn more.
If you have a decent maternity package from your employer, I'm not quite sure why you need them to be warning a certain amount before starting a family, as long as overall secure, no debt, moderately ambitious.
Earnings are not static. My husband roughly earned half (30k) what I earnt (50k) when we met at 30. Fast forward to 42, his salary is more than doubled to 70k.
We bought 2 successive doer uppers, did them up and sold and now live in a beautiful house in Marlow worth well over a million. We knew what we wanted and worked hard to acheive it, that's far more important than the exact amount you earn

Not sure this has been said (haven’t RTFT sorry!) but trades can earn a lot - lawyer here (not London admittedly but still a decent salary) and the tradesmen (electricians & engineers) my partner works with take home £80k after tax etc. But ultimately if you’re limiting yourself to people who earn more than you, you’re narrowing the pool. Also, isn’t it more important to be happy? You might find someone which earns more and makes you miserable, life’s too short for that! My partner currently earns less than me (although that’s likely to change) and he’s a wonderful dad to our 2 DD’s. I really wouldn’t write people off based on salary alone.

I feel like going into Covid marriage was not even on my radar, I was mid 20s with all the time in the world. FF to now I’ve suddenly become very aware of the fact that I do not have all the time on the world if I would like a family.

Op, Google metropolitan walkers. Hiking group for your age based out of London. I met my DH there and went to maybe a dozen weddings for couples who met there!

This is basically what i did with dates by the end

Hope to fuck i pay off my mortgage in my 40s .... we are mortgaged up to put nipples at the minute 😅

You remind me of a friend of mine. She had a similar list of requirements in her 20s and 30s. And many dates that never flourished. She went travelling and lived abroad for a few years, all the time hoping to meet someone.
She is fifty two now and has given up on meeting anyone.

She is very nice and if she had accepted that she is just an ordinary person and given ordinary guys a chance, she would have been able to settle down with someone.

I’m not overly fussed about education despite what I’ve said. It’s more about being able to provide when I take time off for kids. Would definitely date a builder, plumber, electrician etc.

I actually had a crush on the builder that did a bit of work on my flat at three beginning of the year . He fixed a kitchen cupboard for me without asking.

Same. I’m mortgaged til I’m 74 🤣 Go me.

My so called long list of requirements are reasonable imo.

• Over 30/very late 20s
• High enough salary to support a family in the not too distant future
• Not an arsehole that plays mind tricks
• Can have a laugh and take life’s knocks on the chin

It’s easy to put me into this misogynistic box of being an overly picky woman wanting a high value man with a never ending list of requirements such as mega rich, 6 ft +, finance bro etc. it’s just not the case. And it’s a pretty offensive cliche.