Where can a good looking, educated 30 yo woman meet a man in London?

[Rehne]

I turned 30 last month and it was quite possibly one of the top 10 saddest days of my life. Probably broke down in tears 3/4 times just due to dissatisfaction with where I am in life.

So I have a lot going for me. Objectively considered beautiful, went to top university and in decent enough shape. Got onto a Times 100 grad screme and have a decently enough paid job.

My university boyfriend and I broke up during Covid and I’ve been struggling to convert dates into relationships.

I’m dating supposedly grown up, successful men in their 30s but have not come across on viable option.

In the past year I’ve been on dates with 2 doctors, a guy from JP Morgan and someone who owned their own business. And I’ve had unsolicited dick pics, love bombing…you name it.

It may sound like I’m going after a certain type but I’m just interested in someone who has their head screwed on re finances. As I would like to be a mum.

Where can I meet guys in London? I’m really over the apps. So many weird men in the world.

My career is fine but it hasn’t exactly exploded the way I had intended. And my love life is dead. I’m 30 (want to be a mum). And just really scared.

I can go to a pub/bar no problem and get approached but nothing ever comes of it - well other than dick pics it seems.

I think my personality is nice enough - I’m considerate, kind and easy going. Do not let it known how “desperate” I really am.

Hi @Rehne
Firstly hugs, I can see from your posts that the loneliness is bothering you. Feeling alone sucks so I get you.

Secondly, my experience from myself and my friends and family is that it is genuinely impossible to form a long term happy relationship if you enter it and not in a happy place yourself. So whatever you do, I’d spend some time investing in your own happiness. Learn to be content on your own and when the right time comes along you are far more likely to get what you are looking for from a relationship.

Finally, you’ve already had some good advice re hobbies etc so I won’t repeat that, but I am going to speak to you from the perspective of a woman in her late thirties on 80k, married over a decade to a man in his early 40s on 35k, and with young children. And yes, we do live in a super expensive part of the country, own our home, and have a super comfortable life. I understand you say it is considered normal in your own circles for professional women who earn well to be with men who earn similar. But that is categorically not universal. At my workplace the majority of women at my level or higher have partners who earn considerably less than them, and there’s even a couple who have partners who are stay at home dads.

Yes you need to be financially secure to have a family but you absolutely don’t need anywhere near the amount you have in your mind. Unless you are after an extremely lavish lifestyle you could have children with someone on half your salary and I can guarantee you would still be comfortably financially secure - I know it because I have done it! And my husband’s lower salary does not in any way reflect lack of ambition or commitment, he simply chose a different direction to mine. Not only has his lower salary not impeded us in any way, but his more flexible work has been phenomenally helpful - he took shared parental leave, can do school runs, stay home with sick children, etc, which has benefited my career and earning progression. I still had a year off with each child, we had nine months to plan!

If you want someone who earns similar to you, that’s your prerogative. But if you are going to so drastically reduce your pool, then own the decision. Definitely don’t include the criterion because you feel it will be needed to start a family. That is simply untrue. In my opinion increasing the chances you’ll meet someone you click with is infinitely more important than taking an extra few years to pay the mortgage or taking one rather than two holidays abroad a year.

All the best

I was the poster who mentioned the £100K-£150K salary. Thank you.

I agree with your post- I could write a book.
I also had an artist with minor blindness with no income but 2 properties, one in same location as mine. I was willing to be the sole bread winner working long hours- I had done that before whilst he looked after kids. He even joked he always had priority boarding at airport with any companion. Until, texting for a bit and his spelling was atrocious, so he couldn't help kids with homework and I was unwilling to also take that on, so I ditched him pronto. {I refused to discount anyone based solely on disability, something I was very proud of. Decent, kind doesn't mean no disability!)

Then, my DH was unbothered if his wife worked or not. So I am now at home although I can pick up work anytime as self-employed and hold 2 masters degree and worked in a lucrative field. I never dreamed of meeting a guy who didn't expect me to contribute 50% and/or work- I have both. I do so voluntarily. In other words, open yourself to ALL possibilities and life and love will happen.

Triathlon clubs and cycling clubs in London are full of men in their 30s.

I think some people are giving OP a bit of a hard time.

Shared financial and family goals are very important. I suspect a lot less marriages would break up if people were a little more discerning before entering into them.

Spelling and grammar. Born to English parents but raised in Spain so he only spoke English properly but couldn't write it. One property 10 mins from mine was gifted to him by parents without a mortgage. One bed and mine was 3 bed, so I was going to move us all in mine.

Not a hard time. If you can look at my posts, financial stability was key, I just didn't make it sole focus neither did I put that need at partner's door. I was willing to sacrifice. I was at Sotheby; private members club paying £4000 a year, I would quite like to believe I have had a lot of experience with the London scene, so thought to share. Met many many chancers in both venues too, but it opened my eyes.

I fly first class. I did not go looking for someone who also did and was prepared to down grade to economy for the family I wanted. That is being open minded and not let others 'smell' that you are assessing their finances; which, having been subjected to it myself, I can pick it up a mile off. Those high earning men are also used to it and people pigeon holing them. Hence I didn't pigeon hole anyone and I met the man I wanted. He also flies first class- which I discovered after we made a connection. He even only likes 5 star hotel only whilst I prefer mixing 5 star and budget here and there, out of choice as I enjoy camping and trailing in Africa.

She’s ruling out 99% of men, and the 1% she’s going on dates with see it from a million miles away.

I think the issue might be that you are 'husband shopping', so you need to find men who are 'wife shopping'.

I'm not a pro on the apps but I understand some are better than others for serious relationships. It's probably worth going for one you pay for. I met my husband on Match, but I wasn't actually looking for a husband at the time, I wanted to date casually! So sometimes life works in mysterious ways, and hopefully the right man will turn up.

I'm hearing a lot of business talk from you about what people are bringing to the table, and it all sounds quite clinical. You say you don't talk like this to men but I think it is probably coming across. You say little about connections and life partners, etc.

I don't know if this is helpful or not BUT there's research out there that shows professional men will date women who earn less, professional women will only date men who earn the same as them or more.

Men are also way less likely to go to university than women, so there are more professional women (ironically only at the lower levels, as the men who do get in still dominate the higher levels of jobs).

Why am I explaining this? Because it's a supply and demand issue. There's less men in professional jobs to start with, then those that do are also looking at low earning women. So professional women are looking at a very small pool number of men, who themselves are looking at a wider pool of women.

I'd widen your remit - look at men who earn less than you. OR if earning is something you won't compromise on, someone less attractive or less interesting, etc

I get where you’re coming from and think a lot of PP are being unfair. You know your worth and should have high standards! I met dh in late 20s, and definitely was feeling the stress. I disagree that everyone gets snapped up at uni, many of those relationships end, and many of dh’s friends met partners in their very early 30s.

I think it is truly a numbers game in London. So (sorry to say) ruthlessly app dating.. and also hobbies. I don’t think cooking, walking and yoga are going to be the places tbh.. what about run clubs, mixed sport leagues, stuff like that? If anything it’ll expand your network and chances of meeting people and also give you more connections with dates. But tbh most people I know have met on apps, it just took some time..

I also wouldn’t be quite so rigid on salary, as long as they have a good career and trajectory that should be good enough? I mean doctors and finance bros have wildly different salaries but seems you are open to both

I feel you OP.

I am settled with a DP, kids, house, dog etc.

However when dating as a professional woman in my twenties it was hardddddd!!

My only advice is forget about what you bring to the table. Men don’t see it that way.

Most of the women I know (not all) who married well financially speaking aren’t high flyers themselves . I’m talking very pretty beauticians, dental assistants, admin workers etc.
Some still lived at home with their parents or couldn’t drive etc when they met their partners.

So the men really weren’t bothered by that sorta stuff. I honestly think their criteria is completely different. They won’t be impressed by your degree or job or salary (unless a cocklodger).
But what they do seem to be impressed by (my opinion don’t shoot me) is:

Are you very pretty? Not classically beautiful so much but ‘pretty’?

Do you have good ‘banter’? Have a laugh?

Are you ‘feminine’ in appearance/dress?

Are you thin/slim bodied?

Of course it’s very simplistic of me to say and men have layers like women do and are multifaceted. But generally I noticed the running theme of a lot of women with good provider husbands were pretty, funny, feminine and slim.

My DP works in construction and all of his tradesman contractors that earn big bucks seem to have wives who are very pretty/polished/slim with lower paid part time jobs in beauty/assistant type roles. But these women have great banter and can drink you under the table at a works do!

The men who seem more bothered about their potential partners achievements seemed to be middle/lower earners like teachers, nurses, firemen, police officers etc.

I know I will get flamed for this post but it’s just my general observations.

So she should be!

What it boils down to is: attractive solvent graduate with professional job seeks similar.

Absolutely fair enough.

You know your worth and should have high standards!

She has normal standards. It’s just that standards on here are very low.

I think what I was trying to say clumsily is:

Women often date men with some sort of a criteria (whether it be height, finances, humour, kindness, interests etc).

Men often date women with 0 criteria. So long as their attracted to them and like spending time with them they don’t care if their a qualified medical consultant or work 2 days a week in a min wage job and still live at home.

This makes it harder to date as a professional woman as your criteria may only give you 20% of the dating pool. But that 20% isn’t looking just at your cohort to date, but also the other 80% of women too.

They most certainly are, sadly.

from what I see from friends who are on dating apps
a fair amount of men aren’t overly bothered about what job / earning prospects a woman has and they often date “down “ if the women is a high flyer that’s great but it’s not a major selling point for a lot of men
but age ( the women being younger ) seems to be a big factor when men date

whereas a fair amount of women want to date at a minimum equal or above their own salary

that might be because as the OP stated she wants kids so wants someone who can afford to have a SAHM for at least a year -18 months

my friends daughter who is 28 has a list of requirements that are longer than a Andrex toilet roll

she wants someone earning a min of 100k
non smoker
at least 6ft / good looking / fit
No children from a previous relationship
wants to have children
Can earn enough for her to be a SAHM for a few years
Must be able to drive
university educated

but when asked what she is offering in return for this perfect man according to her
she didn’t have an answer 😂

It’s a shallow pool, and very much younger women who aren't going to bring the same pressure to a relationship are in it as well.

The answer is she’s offering nothing.

Men will go after a younger women that doesn’t bring a ticking clock and who they fancy. They don’t care about your career.

From OP at 11.13 on 8 June:
"I'll be honest I wouldn’t date someone who earns less than me but tbh that’s quite normal for my peers."
Then you could start by broadening your peer group because you do sound like a bunch of snobs obsessed by status and money.

When standards exclude teachers, engineers and almost all healthcare professional except Doctors from her dating pool that's not normal, that's pretty privileged.

What is shallow about a pool of professional solvent men?

Men looking to settle down as OP is, generally go for women of a similar age.

You sound so bitter and bent on denigrating the OP.

She has plenty to offer and she’s looking for similar.

Shallow men after a shag go after younger women. Those are precisely the kind you don’t want.

You might enjoy these places:

https://www.intelligencesquared.com/attend/

https://www.bbr.com/events-and-experiences

https://www.vam.ac.uk/info/friday-late

What about a part time post grad at LSE - my son has done one and met girlfriend on that it was very sociable and the peer group seems to be what you are looking for.