Where can a good looking, educated 30 yo woman meet a man in London?

[Rehne]

I turned 30 last month and it was quite possibly one of the top 10 saddest days of my life. Probably broke down in tears 3/4 times just due to dissatisfaction with where I am in life.

So I have a lot going for me. Objectively considered beautiful, went to top university and in decent enough shape. Got onto a Times 100 grad screme and have a decently enough paid job.

My university boyfriend and I broke up during Covid and I’ve been struggling to convert dates into relationships.

I’m dating supposedly grown up, successful men in their 30s but have not come across on viable option.

In the past year I’ve been on dates with 2 doctors, a guy from JP Morgan and someone who owned their own business. And I’ve had unsolicited dick pics, love bombing…you name it.

It may sound like I’m going after a certain type but I’m just interested in someone who has their head screwed on re finances. As I would like to be a mum.

Where can I meet guys in London? I’m really over the apps. So many weird men in the world.

My career is fine but it hasn’t exactly exploded the way I had intended. And my love life is dead. I’m 30 (want to be a mum). And just really scared.

I can go to a pub/bar no problem and get approached but nothing ever comes of it - well other than dick pics it seems.

I think my personality is nice enough - I’m considerate, kind and easy going. Do not let it known how “desperate” I really am.

Meeting someone wealthy is not a guarantee of being able to be SAHM. A wealthy man might not want to be attractive for that reason. He may have such a strong work ethic that he wants you also to work. He may work sick long hours that you never see him.
They might be a builder who is able to do all your DIY, and flip houses to make money etc.
There might be a vicar who comes with a large vicarage!
There might be someone on a low income like in museums, art, NHS, teaching but they might already own a home or live somewhere less expensive.
I think you need to have less of an ideal and just try and make connections. Take more risks. I met my husband on line. I would not have looked twice at his profile picture. As I got to know him, on paper he was from v very wealthy family and would seem a good catch but family were also incredibly dysfunctional and because he chose to marry me against their wishes( as our family had nothing to offer theirs!!!) they disinherited him. We have made our own way on life without their control.

Start doing things with your friends for fun. I met DH on a skiing holiday - I was with my friends, he was with his, we met at the hotel registration and then kept meeting at lunch on the slopes. I was 27 - this was 27 years ago, so in terms of age, I was similar to you. The difference was, I had resigned myself to being single after 9 years of really awful relationship experiences!

Try going on an active holiday like skiing; hiking, cycling - surfing; whatever you are into. You will meet a wider group of eligible men,

Good luck.

My dh was earning £15k a year when I met him (to be fair, it was 25 years ago and we were very young) - he now earns many, many times that figure. You can't just stipulate things that make someone suitable - look for a connection and, honestly, friendship as your first priority. There is no point finding someone who ticks superficial boxes but ending up divorced because you'd prioritised that over a real connection with someone.

I don’t want to be SAHM. Well maybe for the first year/18 months.

In terms of kids being expensive, they really don't need to be until they get to University. I will have 3 at Uni from Sept and that will be challenging.
When they are little you can get most things second hand for pennies. This is also good for environment.
They do not have to do every club going. I lived in village with no car whilst DH at work. If the club was not local they did not go. After school was fine and Beavers, Sunday school, youth club etc.
My DH was not a high earner and I only worked one day pw when kids were little but we got by. Holidays were stayed with friends and family and bought second hand trailor tent which we restored and used for a few years. It can be more rewarding to have to save up for each thing you need and really feel a sense of achievement to get it. Kids need love and security and food.

Sorry I assumed SAHM, not that I have issue with that as I was one for a few years

You can be good with finances in a job that doesn’t pay as well. You can work in finance and piss it all away and not want to settled done. You could be an experienced social worker and have it all figured out. A high paying job is for you. I agree it’s all far too transactional. You want a guy who’s your best friend.

I understand the point about being kids not being expensive.

But I’ve done decently (nothing spectacular) with my salary. And would just like someone to bring similar to the table. Among my friends that is very much a normal standard.

I understand why you are saying you want to meet someone financially secure and similar in career- but the most important thing of all is that they are a decent kind person, a good partner, considerate, thoughtful, has good friends and so on. None of this is guaranteed by money, although I wouldn't date someone financially very disparate. I don't think you should focus on what they do, but who they are- so any signs of being anything less than completely into you, and a great date, just bin them, as you are wasting time you could be spending with the right person.

Read 'He's just not that into you' for starters, one of my lovely friends was dating in London and there are so many timewasters or booty callers, but she used to indulge them and wonder if they might be the right person- NO! This will help you stop wasting time with no-hopers.

I met my husband through a dating agency but a long time ago, might this be an option? At least people who use them are into the idea of a relationship more definitely (although I still found some happy to outsource it all to the agency or get their leg over anyway).

Also know that it's not you, it's hard to find the right person, at your age I also felt a bit despairing at times, as I also attracted lots of men but not quite the ones I wanted, and didn't have any long term prospects at all- til I met my husband age around 31. There's lots of people on mumsnet who met in mid-thirties upwards. Don't panic, keep cool, keep your own standards, enjoy your life anyway. You may have to do more filtering of people, not less, if you are good-looking, as more people are attracted to you who are not suitable. It will happen.

The more important thing is their attitude to finances. If you meet someone who wants a family, be clear they do not see any children as your expense. I cannot believe the amount of women on MN who fund maternity leave using their own savings. You need to be on same page that whilst you are unable to work you will live on their income. These are important conversations pre marriage really

Yep same for my friends.

Also you need to put some criteria when online dating as eise you'd be going on dates every day with unsuitable people. It's different if you net say speed dating and fancy each other but for cold blind dates you need sone filtering.

What hobbies and interests do you have?

Sooo... you're after the 5%. Head screwed on, financially successful and responsible, no doubt attractive, tall, probably good in bed... then all the other 'must haves' like wanting to marry and have kids, same age, not a dick?

Sorry, you're in competition with EVERY woman out there!

I (personally) think you're making a mistake women often make... and that's marketing yourself based off your own standards and what you believe men want, rather than what they actually want. Basically like all those gym bros out there who steroid-up, pimp up their car, and send dick pics because they genuinely believe that's what women are attracted to, because they like looks, they like fast cars, and they like naked pics from girls.

"Objectively considered beautiful, went to top university and in decent enough shape. Got onto a Times 100 grad scheme and have a decently enough paid job." - That's not what men are looking for, I'm sorry. You'll never hear a man say "I want a Russell Group girl."

Do you have any 'classic' male red flags? Are you hard work? Do you take a long time to get ready? Does a large proportion of your money go on clothes/ accessories? Are you in contact with exes? Do you have an Instagram profile? It does sound like you are actively looking for money, and that you really do want to settle down... guys can spot this a mile away, and these are pretty big red flags.

Trust me if I was interested in money alone I probably wouldn’t be single right now. Someone I dated at the very beginning of the year was financially very comfortable and into me. But he kept randomly putting me down unintentionally. So I pulled the plug.

I had a thing for finance bros/doctors/solicitors for a while in my late 20s early 30s. It was.....disheartening! It didn't work out with any of them and after a while it was easy to see at the very beginning (within a few messages) who was likely to send an unsolicited dick pic.

Would you think of doing tag rugby? Salsa dancing? Any other activity that has a mix of men and women?

I agree with pp saying that it is important to look for connection rather than a list of requirements. Nobody is suggesting you get involved with someone you don't find attractive but you may disregard a potential wonderful partner if you keep your net too narrow.

Agree with PP that it's not helpful to think of yourself, or others, as a product. Plus it's London - SO many people will have gone to a top university and will have gotten onto a decent grad scheme. Everyone's fitness-obsessed and beautiful people are everywhere. None of these will really make you stand out that much anyway (and they shouldn't). None of them will set your "product" apart.

I say this with empathy as I used to think this way. When I met my DP five years ago (getting married this summer) he wasn't the "type" I'd usually go for and all of my "qualifications" meant nothing to him, but we ended up being an amazing amazing match. I remember telling a friend early on in the relationship "I'm just worried because he doesn't have xyz" - turned out to be SO unimportant and actually the root of some of his best qualities... we met on tinder fwiw!

Which is good. When you have high (or even good enough) standards there are less men available to date

I think it's great to have a long term plan and you clearly have. I would stop focussing on it for a bit.

Spend some time developing your current self, having fun, meeting people because they're interesting not because they might fulfill a long term plan.

Cast your net very wide, because having a variety of fun interactions (I don't mean sex) brings richness to your life and makes it more interesting and you more interesting. This is your life not a path of success and it's very easy to forget that, I think. There are no rules about who you can and cannot associate with, especially when you're independent like you are.

Do some volunteering. Travel to places you haven't thought of. Go to exhibitions, go on group holidays, join a tennis club, take some pottery lessons. It's easy to get stuck in a rut but you really are very young and worrying about the clock ticking won't make it tick slower. Harvesting the joy from every minute might though.

I'd also say- the very last people I'd be deliberately going for are doctors and finance guys. Doctors I love, but their working hours are often crazy and they can be quite arrogant. Finance guys, just not my type, motivated by....finance. Now, if I met either a doctor or a City guy and got on so well with them, there was a spark, they were interesting and interested, I'd give it a whirl. These would not be my chosen professions to go for though, as life partners, I have quite a few friends with doctors/City partners, they're mostly ok, but just wouldn't be for me.

My friend was the opposite and said she wanted to meet a rich City guy, she did and married him, all great! She did not want children and it suited her to have a two income high status lifestyle. Knowing what you really want is very important.

Some really useful advice on here. The hobbies angle is appealing.

Would be nice to position myself in places which could be about a hobby/activity with less focus being on actually dating. But there still being a chance of finding someone!

Thank you.

Look at the guys in what used to be called IT... DS and friends /colleagues are all good earners, but a bit shy and nerdy, all quite brainy so good company once they loosen up a bit. From what I can tell, they are respectful, decent guys who would all be keen to meet a decent woman, but not strangers in a club/pub, and maybe not on an App.
I think through friends is the best way, encourage the people you know to throw parties/get-togethers, or do it yourself, and tell them to bring friends/brothers/cousins. You'll meet a lot of guys online gaming, or at music events. It's also worth telling everyone you know that you'd like to meet someone special, do they know anyone suitable?

@Rehne I used to find I could only date for a few months before becoming tired of it all, so would take a dating break, just for another couple of months, then dive back in. Doing a hobby/meetup/getting into cinema/going unusual places is a great idea. It doesn't have to be for long and you might like it so much you carry on. You have to be very very kind to yourself dating in London (or anywhere).

😂

How did all your friends meet their partners? The ones you think are the kinds of people you are looking for?

I would say IT/geeky/academic guys have made the better partners if I look at my friends, rather than the finance/doctor bros, although I do still have a soft spot for doctor friends, it's the caring nature thing, even though in reality I've had lots of horrible experiences with doctors! They are super-busy though.