Where can a good looking, educated 30 yo woman meet a man in London?

[Rehne]

I turned 30 last month and it was quite possibly one of the top 10 saddest days of my life. Probably broke down in tears 3/4 times just due to dissatisfaction with where I am in life.

So I have a lot going for me. Objectively considered beautiful, went to top university and in decent enough shape. Got onto a Times 100 grad screme and have a decently enough paid job.

My university boyfriend and I broke up during Covid and I’ve been struggling to convert dates into relationships.

I’m dating supposedly grown up, successful men in their 30s but have not come across on viable option.

In the past year I’ve been on dates with 2 doctors, a guy from JP Morgan and someone who owned their own business. And I’ve had unsolicited dick pics, love bombing…you name it.

It may sound like I’m going after a certain type but I’m just interested in someone who has their head screwed on re finances. As I would like to be a mum.

Where can I meet guys in London? I’m really over the apps. So many weird men in the world.

My career is fine but it hasn’t exactly exploded the way I had intended. And my love life is dead. I’m 30 (want to be a mum). And just really scared.

I can go to a pub/bar no problem and get approached but nothing ever comes of it - well other than dick pics it seems.

I think my personality is nice enough - I’m considerate, kind and easy going. Do not let it known how “desperate” I really am.

No, it not unreasonable to be a bit concerned but you seem to be looking to make changes. It really is a numbers game to find somebody decent. Sometimes a man would reveal something that ruled him out for me, like children or he was a smoker and I'd be thinking that's another evening wasted. One of my friends was getting on quite well with this man when he revealed his vasectomy over dinner. With me I hated arriving home with nobody to meet me at the airport.

Get off the internet and go outside. People (especially women) are bombarded with all sorts of things by the media to keep them anxious and influence their behavior. Especially since so many people make their money these days from their videos being watched/podcasts being listened to, so they have to talk nonsense to get clicks. Don't fall for it.

NTFT but freezing eggs isn’t a magic wand for stopping time. The rates of successful pregnancies from frozen eggs is low. It’s a very expensive ‘maybe’.

As for finding a man - could you ado all your friends to introduce you to their single mates or colleagues? Good luck!

My husband is a tradie Carpenter & General builder
easily earns overt 100k plus a year

he has his own business and one of his sons and my nephew both work for him

when I met him he had just come out of bankruptcy and was divorced 😂 but he was 6ft 3 and hot as fuck and my only dealbreaker was that he didn’t smoke
it was one of the first things i asked him

A lot of women would have turned him down for being bankrupt and divorced
but we have been married 25 years and he’s my absolute rock

Rehne,
I get you.
Sailing, rugby, polo, old fashioned introduction agency.

I think birthdays just force you to evaluate your life, don’t they? I’ve done okay professionally but I derive no meaning/fulfillment from work. And I’m as single as can be, not one single prospect on the horizon. All of this was on my mind after coming home from birthday drinks after work (had a party at the weekend) to a small room in a house share. On my own. So yes, I did cry. I had hoped my life would look a lot different to its current state.

Go younger. That's what I did. At 34 I settled down with a 25 year old with great potential. Within 3 years he was substantially out earning me, we got married and had a family. If the good ones are all gone by their mid twenties go get an ambitious guy that age.

I have a comparable profile and met my DH online dating when I dropped my criteria and began meeting everyone who asked. We are from very different walks of life and I would never have guessed it would work but hey, here we are 15 yeats on. My other advice is go for the short men online, they are often filtered out of searches so there is much less competition for the hidden gems.

It's not you, this is just how dating is these days. Lots of easy sex out there for men so they don't put in the effort. Best thing is to get your friends to come up with their top most eligible guy friends and set up some dates (eligible in the sense of moral, kind, hardworking)

It’s completely natural for a big birthday to cause some reflection. Covid took a bunch of time from us - it’s ok to grieve that. It doesn’t mean we can’t catch up to what we dreamed of though! Things are just running to a slightly different schedule.

London is hard, but it also gives you the opportunities to approach this creatively. You’re going to meet someone and build the life you want. It’ll probably happen when you least expect it, so focus on the joys you do have in the meantime

@AuxArmesCitoyens. The original poster is 6 feet tall. Short men might not be the best bet.

It sounds to me as if you are sick of London and this is manifesting as you being fed up of being single. By 31 a lot of people are making plans to leave London or at least considering it.

Reading between the lines, and despite your protestations, you really do seem status obsessed. Just because you’ve turned one high profile person down in the past doesn’t mean you’re not waiting for the next one who ticks even more boxes.

I’ve never before heard of a job referred to as a “Times Top 100 Grad scheme”. Most people would simply allude to their career beginnings vaguely eg Big 4, law firm, actuarial, dentist etc. Grad schemes also don’t seem to have much relevance once you’ve actually started working. By your 30s whichever grad scheme you were accepted to will be a thing of the past. It would be like talking about your A levels - simply not relevant. These things make me think you maybe haven’t made much progress in your career and whatever it is you do isn’t particularly appealing, but you’re trying to attach more gravitas to it.

You haven’t mentioned trying to date someone you work with or who is in the same industry as you, unless I’ve missed it.

Everything seems to be a compromise - they don’t earn enough, aren’t tall enough, don’t have the right job (whatever that is) etc. No thought as to how they are, what they might bring in the future.

There are so many women who get pregnant by the 6 foot 2 smooth talking man with the big car (on finance), the most friends, the white teeth, the big lifestyle, the steroid body, the big wallet (credit cards). And they love showing them off on Instagram with their Dubai holiday pics. But they’re treated like shit, cheated on, abandoned and they don’t understand why but it’s everyone else’s fault. And then they get with one of his mates and the cycle continues.

It is tough out there OP. But I would slightly agree with this.

This idea of what attributes etc you are looking for may come across and may negatively affects your own ability to spot and build genuine connection.

In my opinion!

Get to know the person purely for themselves.

And causes, languages and volunteering also good to meet people.

Actually, I agree about the golf thing if that interests you - I see my reasonably hot, mid 30s, homeowning neighbour head off with his equally hot golfing buddies most weekends. He is married, but I bet at least one of them is single!

They do but maybe op doesn't fancy struggling and wants to have the option of spending quality time with her babies? Cant say I blame her.

@Rehne not kidding, invent something for your builder to come back and fix. See how it goes?

also if it helps, I had the very same worry at 30. Now 39 with 2, 5 and 3. Good for you for knowing what you want!

I met DP on an app when I was 28 and he was 30. He was living in London and I'd just moved back up north.

We're both professionals (but I earn less than you) and at the time we met DP was earning less than me.

I was opening to moving back to London but we did long distance for a while and eventually decided to settle up north. To do this he had to move to a different specialty and take a pay cut (earning around 25k initially). 6 years later he's out earning both me and you significantly and has a lot more earning potential and very good benefits.

He's not perfect but would have ticked all your boxes except salary when we met.

We have a toddler and a baby on the way and he is able to support maternity leave and children. Had I based a decision about him on his income when we met I'd quite possibly be childless and single - I'd been single for a long time before and don't enjoy dating. Standards are important but one thing that can change is a persons salary. Maybe focus more on whether they're a decent person with a good work ethic. One thing I did look for (but wasn't a deal breaker) was good family relationships and these have been invaluable to us on both sides with having small children, it has also has meant we can have a second close to our first as not crippled by two sets of nursery fees.

Agree with this - what men want when they start dating is a partner who is fun, likeable, easy to be with, attractive (to them). Many, I know from working in banking, appreciate smart, driven, intelligent female colleagues but don’t want that intensity when they get home. (Male banking friends told me this, saying yes, they kind of do like low maintenance and easy going, after a day in the corporate world.) On this basis - I was already engaged by then to a man who suffers the fact that I am a bit intense and academic [AuDHD] - I would suggest that if you can’t meet men in your work place, you need to meet them doing things that you find fun: volunteering, sports, etc. Running clubs are great for meeting people, for example (acc to a friend whose 30yo kids are addicted and travel all over the country for meets).

There used to be (ok 20years ago) a singles organisation where they did parties, wine tasting, trips to Glyndebourne/theatre etc and also package holidays (hiking, cycling) with loads of singles. No pre matching, just singles going to things that they found fun and connections being made organically. Maybe something like that would suit you?

You will hate this, OP, but you sound desperate to find someone. Desperate gives off a vibe.

Stop trying, is my advice. I met both of my husbands when I couldn't give an arse.

Relax, smile. Did I mention smile? Do that! Don't pout or be 'high maintenance'. Don't say how fabulous you are. Be humble. Be approachable. Engage and ask questions about other people you meet day to day.

But maybe discover who you are first. Forget dating. Have fun! Find clubs or hobbies, do crazy stuff like abseiling or fossil hunting! Be you.

I'm not sure what you expect from a relationship, but you'll never find one until you're honest with yourself, relax and enjoy your life. Imo, you're not ready for a relationship yet.

Why? Why should OP not have powerful feelings and express them? She's lonely. She wants a life partner. She wants kids. She doesn't have these and birthdays are milestones where you evaluate what's missing in your life.

It's normal and healthy to cry over things that sadden you. Mocking other people's emotions is less normal and healthy.

If you're objectively beautiful and 30, you should be beating them off with a shitty stick. I was drop dead gorgeous at 30 and met men literally anywhere and everywhere. I was constantly approached. You need to fish in the right ponds. Join a gym in Chelsea, start polo lessons in Ascot, go to hunt balls etc.

My advice would be:

• yes, hobbies and social events! Things you truly enjoy. You'll be happy to spend your time doing them, which is helpful because then you can max out your schedule, and have actual fun apart from man-hunting.
• provided you truly enjoy them, do things educated, rich men like. But I've been on that scene, and there's a definite type of (30-something) woman who suddenly takes up stereotypically "elite" pastimes. It's a bit transparent. If you are truly into the hobby, you will break through that and it won't matter. But if you are faking it, expect it to show! (I'm a man so have seen it from that side).
• and provided you enjoy them, do things that decent, reliable men like. Walking, reading (preferably society/politicsy type book clubs, not fiction), board games. I hear bad things about cyclists but they can't be all bad! I'm guessing cooking is mainly women, but I may be wrong. If you do geeky things you will meet high-earning low-key men (low-earning ones too, but you can filter them out if you like!).
• Is there anything you can teach? But you might just get women.
• I don't think people were calling you arrogant because of how you described yourself (at least, I just read that all as factual neutral). But you do mention a lot of criteria in your various posts, which will obviously narrow down your options. Your own profile reads to me as "good" (top ?20%), not "will have her pick of all the men" (top 5%). Top 20% is a strong hand to be playing, but the 20% vs 5% disparity is what you are struggling against.
• The good news is that 30 is not super-late for the kind of man you are after (highly educated, career focused), if you can start to surround yourself with them. It can be miserable wondering when you will meet the right person. But if you are internally confident and are meeting lots of the right sorts of people, you aren't in the last chance saloon yet.
• Radical honesty on date 1 might be a good strategy, if you can face having hundreds of first dates. If not, a more normal honest but not in-your-face approach might be best.
• Weeding out men who only want you for sex is quite easy: just don't sleep with them until you are at least several dates in, and the guys just after sex or novelty have given up. But beware: plenty of good, decent men will be happy to have a friends-with-benefits arrangement unless you make clear that's not what you are interested in. Pitching this conversation right is hard, but a decent man will understand a message like: who knows where this might lead or not, but I'm interested in something that may turn into a serious relationship, if it goes that way, not friends-with-benefits (or alternatively: who knows where this might lead, but while we are together I expect us to be exclusive, and if that changes we will talk to each other).

I don't think your situation is as bad as you are feeling it is right now. Enjoy yourself, and good luck!

Also, don't just look at clubs/activities for their male quota. Widen your circle of girlfriends- who may have brothers, mates, boyfriend's mates, cousins.....

Oh yes, this too!

Saying isn’t about of someone is for for your purpose/ goals. It’s about getting to know them slowly and see if your values and goals align. Nothing wrong with your requirements for financially stable etc but sounds like anyone willing can fit in the ‘box’ so that you can do whatever you want to do (ie be a mom). Men are human too and they can feel these things- that you aren’t very interested in who they are as people but in what they can do for you. And that’s not very attractive