Where can a good looking, educated 30 yo woman meet a man in London?

[Rehne]

I turned 30 last month and it was quite possibly one of the top 10 saddest days of my life. Probably broke down in tears 3/4 times just due to dissatisfaction with where I am in life.

So I have a lot going for me. Objectively considered beautiful, went to top university and in decent enough shape. Got onto a Times 100 grad screme and have a decently enough paid job.

My university boyfriend and I broke up during Covid and I’ve been struggling to convert dates into relationships.

I’m dating supposedly grown up, successful men in their 30s but have not come across on viable option.

In the past year I’ve been on dates with 2 doctors, a guy from JP Morgan and someone who owned their own business. And I’ve had unsolicited dick pics, love bombing…you name it.

It may sound like I’m going after a certain type but I’m just interested in someone who has their head screwed on re finances. As I would like to be a mum.

Where can I meet guys in London? I’m really over the apps. So many weird men in the world.

My career is fine but it hasn’t exactly exploded the way I had intended. And my love life is dead. I’m 30 (want to be a mum). And just really scared.

I can go to a pub/bar no problem and get approached but nothing ever comes of it - well other than dick pics it seems.

I think my personality is nice enough - I’m considerate, kind and easy going. Do not let it known how “desperate” I really am.

Everyone saying "look for a kind man"

But you can't search for that. Everyone thinks they are nice. On say plenty of fish there are thousands of people searching in
London so you need sone criteria to filter people to meet

I am not sure salary is a criteria probably its education level?

100% not giving off desperation. I do not mention kids beyond “yeah, that’s something I’d like to experience at some point”. Most guys say similar.

I’m not bombarding with texts, not always available etc.

I am naturally easy going and low key. I actually have to push myself not to be a people pleaser.

Not RTWT, but have you considered joining something like Spice Social? Lots of social activities arranged to help people meet. Its not a singles club as such, but 80% of their members are single.

Could you do something like a part-time Masters - could be good career wise and the part-time options generally attract a slightly older crowd (so not just people straight out of uni) and people who want to further themselves.

Other than that - I agree with just getting out there with hobbies/ interests/ meeting friends of friends. Yes, you could meet someone who doesn't earn as much as you and turns out not to be right because of that, but is that any worse than meeting someone who ticks the right financial boxes, but turns out not to be right for you on a different level?

And you may meet someone and find you just don't care! Or that they have potential - life isn't necessarily linear.

You’ve said twice in your opening poast that you want kids and it’s quite clear you’re going for wealthy men.

Wealthy men are used to being a target.

Plus you’re 30 with no kids and that’s a danger zone for men. They know, whether you say so or not, they’re at risk of an “oops” pregnancy.

'
100% not giving off desperation. I do not mention kids beyond “yeah, that’s something I’d like to experience at some point”. Most guys say similar. '

@Rehne well you're giving off something.. you call yourself beautiful, and have an 'okay nothing spectacular' career. But you want the guy to earn well, be tall, want kids, etc etc. what about what you bring to the table. Apart from being borderline boastful (which may be putting them off), you write as if you're better than others a little bit.

I can't put my finger on it. It's all a little bit cringe really.

Just go with the flow, start new hobbies and up your social life. Head out with friends. Meet friends of friends.

If you're really hung up on salary, try the 'elite singles' it's a dating app for high earners. I can't imagine it being very nice on there though.

I wouldn’t say I’m going for wealthy men. I earn 70k in London but wouldn’t consider myself wealthy. I’m comfortable and can enjoy the odd treat here and there. But I’m hardly living, or really wanting, a jet setter life. I just want a man to bring to the table what I do - finance AND personality wise.

I have not pursued things with the (albeit successful) men I’ve dated since my break up cause of personality issues. Nothing to do with money.

I’m kind of disturbed by how many mumsnetters are demeaning me for having very normal standards for a professional woman.

Well how I communicate on an anonymous forum and how I communicate in real life is going to be very different.

I’ve listed my best qualities anonymously. Sorry that comes across cringe and boastful to you. I’m trying to paint a picture of my life/wants. I’m being candid in a way on here that I just wouldn’t with a potential partner.

I'm not demeaning you OP I agree with you.

Some of us are selective about who we allow to impregnate us and there's nothing wrong with that.

Good luck in your search

And I’m not concerned with height. I was dating a 5 ft 6 guy for a few months because I liked some of his other traits. Ended it because he was gaslighty.

No, but you can take time and work it out rather than rushing in. There are always signs.

When DH and I were still friends, no romance at all, I had had a bad day and went to our hobby group.

He called me that night because I seemed low and he wanted to check I was ok. I was caught off guard and told him the sorry mess. He was empathetic, kind, patient, and discreet. I knew from that day he was genuinely kind and caring.

Nearly 20 years on and he’s the same kind character through and through.

With regard posters calling you desperate, frankly, I if were you, I would be desperate. If you want kids, at 30, I don't think I'd want to hang around. Even if you met someone today, taking things at a wise pace, you'd be 35 before you tried to get pregnant.
Are there not honest dating sites/singles nights you can go to were everyone is completely, cards on the table, straight away? Where you can just straight out say, i want marriage, i want kids and I want it soon with a high earning partner who wants the same as me? Does that not exist?

I’m kind of disturbed by how many mumsnetters are demeaning me for having very normal standards for a professional woman.

Standards are great! Ruling out people who earn less than £70k - not great. You're seeing salary as an indication of someone's professionalism and career ambition. It isn't. You're ruling out teachers, lecturers, civil servants, scientists, barristers and probably many other very worthy professions.

I was coming on to say Spoons too!

Trust me I’m not as rigid as that. Im talking very ballpark when I say I would like a man to bring to the table what I do.

I certainly wouldn’t not pursue a great guy who has a solid career trajectory but is currently earning a bit less than me.

I actually think you need to be a bit more modest. It’s fine to describe yourself as beautiful etc, and list your qualifications but maybe you need to lower your standards slightly? Be a bit more modest?

I say this coming from another 30 year old successful woman, nobody ever matched the “ideals” in my head but I started to be open to a lot more and I met someone who is perfect for me!

Also Salary and looks aren’t everything OP. My mums friend married for money, admitted it so- 10 years later he went bankrupt and left them with nothing.

Again, looks fade. You have to stop being so shallow if you want to meet someone kind, lovely, personable, funny- that’s what matters and will make a marriage last.

Maybe people are picking up on your arrogance.

Is an educated man with a decent salary to support a family in a few years who doesn’t treat me like shit such a high standard??

If it is I’m genuinely screwed!

Real world activities with social sides. Bouldering is a good one

I’m not arrogant in real life. I’ve listed my best qualities on an anonymous forum to seek advice.

Oooh that’s quite romantic really!

OP, you really can’t tell from someone’s job, or specs, what their soul is made of. A senior civil servant who abandons you emotionally after a miscarriage will continue to look good on paper (ask me how I know!). My boyfriend is creative and I assumed he’d be skint. Turns out I didn’t know his industry at all!

I’ve had a good time doing OLD, but if this swipe doesn’t work out I’m going to focus on making my life amazing, and assume someone will show up. I know the baby pressure feels overwhelming, but you really do have lots of time. Nobody wants to feel like a piece of IKEA furniture though, fitting in to your future plans.

I cannot fault you for having high standards, OP. Though I do think your standards should shift a little more over to personality and behavioural traits.

Unfortunately, I do think it’s true that if you’re looking for £70k plus salary (and your other preferred attributes) at 30yrs old, then the pool is absolutely tiny and you have largely missed the boat. Of the pool remaining, there are also sadly going to be a lot of dickheads who will not date a 30yr old woman because of the baby fear (no matter how casually you talk about having kids). When I was in my late 20s and early 30s, many of my single man friends did swerve 30yr old women for this reason. Is it fair? No. But it is what it is.

Looking for a salary £70k at 30yrs old is minuscule, and you are ruling out some men with wonderful careers and good earning potential. Civil servants, NHS finance professionals, teachers, etc.

When I met my DH in my late 20s, he was well below £70k and now 10yrs later on £120k+ and not at the ceiling of his salary potential. He is also handsome, tall, an amazing father and partner (took 6 months parental leave to solely care for our children), and financially savvy. Yet you may well have cast him aside for his salary …

Some people actually want to give their children a nice standard of living. Not buying clothes for pennies and having holidays in a second hand trailer tent.

God forbid a woman wants to have children and not live like a pauper to do it.

And have you seen the cost of nursery fees recently? And the competition to even get a place at nursery?

OP - my advice is to join some exercise classes/gym and try and expand your friendship group, as most connections outside of apps seem to be friends connecting friends. Supper clubs are also pretty popular in London at the moment and a good way to meet people, especially if you like food and cooking.

Educated doesn’t mean interesting and neither does the reverse; there are lots of people who earn perfectly well who haven’t been to university. I get that you’re being pragmatic, but you really need to feel something for each other for it to work long term.