Where can a good looking, educated 30 yo woman meet a man in London?

[Rehne]

I turned 30 last month and it was quite possibly one of the top 10 saddest days of my life. Probably broke down in tears 3/4 times just due to dissatisfaction with where I am in life.

So I have a lot going for me. Objectively considered beautiful, went to top university and in decent enough shape. Got onto a Times 100 grad screme and have a decently enough paid job.

My university boyfriend and I broke up during Covid and I’ve been struggling to convert dates into relationships.

I’m dating supposedly grown up, successful men in their 30s but have not come across on viable option.

In the past year I’ve been on dates with 2 doctors, a guy from JP Morgan and someone who owned their own business. And I’ve had unsolicited dick pics, love bombing…you name it.

It may sound like I’m going after a certain type but I’m just interested in someone who has their head screwed on re finances. As I would like to be a mum.

Where can I meet guys in London? I’m really over the apps. So many weird men in the world.

My career is fine but it hasn’t exactly exploded the way I had intended. And my love life is dead. I’m 30 (want to be a mum). And just really scared.

I can go to a pub/bar no problem and get approached but nothing ever comes of it - well other than dick pics it seems.

I think my personality is nice enough - I’m considerate, kind and easy going. Do not let it known how “desperate” I really am.

@Rehne Came on to say I think it’s great you have standards for yourself and you are thinking of practicalities, good for you.

I also agree with people saying relax a little. More often than not we meet ‘the one’ when we least expect it. I am in my 50s and am glad to have missed the dick pic era! You have my sympathy but there are good men out there, widen your social circle and enjoy yourself.

All of this ^
I was a bit like you, in that I had a list of things I thought were important in a partner and a plan for what my life should look like. Then I met DH through a friend and he ticked almost none of those boxes. But he was honest, kind, direct and no bullshit. He treated me with respect and was clearly a decent person. I realised everything was else I thought was important meant nothing without those qualities.

You just cannot predict who you will meet and fall in love with or when. And you cannot plan your life too far in advance.

Try to focus on making yourself as fulfilled as possible as your life is now. Invest in your career while you can be entirely selfish and not factor in anyone else’s needs. Cultivate hobbies and interests while you have time to devote to them. Focus on meaningful, supportive friendships that enrich your life. Right now you have so much time and freedom and choice that you won’t ever really have again once you’re a parent. And you really do still have time on your side. Try to enjoy that and focus on who you are and what makes you tick. You will meet men without even trying to. But more importantly, you will be happier.

If you want to have kids with someone it is so important to be on the same page with values, with work ethic, the fact that BOTH of you will have to step up to have a family and both your jobs will be impacted, and / or have a nanny. Who is going to work travel and when.

this kind of stuff takes a while to come out so ideally you need to be friends first and they need to be really in to you.

hobbies, friends of friends, things you are interested in make you attractive, enthusiasm is so sexy.

get to the gym. Go to the cinema with friends. Take up any hobbies you have ditched. Park run?

I work in finance and personally didn’t date finance guys ! They are selfish arses and are too obsessed with money.

What about joining your local branch of Rotary? It's a voluntary service organisation, and you'd be meeting and mixing with very proactive, altruistically-minded people. As I understand it, there is a strong social side, and lots of networking opportunities.

https://www.rotarygbi.org/

You are young, solvent and fit so wring every drop of joy out of life. Go on holidays, socialise, find things you like for yourself - running/cooking/dancing/theatre whatever and do them. Along the way you will meet someone but most importantly you will be enjoying your one precious life. I’m glad I’m too old and married for apps but younger relatives have met partners via work, music, their social network , the gym and even activism in an area they feel strongly about.

I’m not particularly fussed about doctors. But 2 of my best friends from school and my closest friend from student halls are doctors so have occasionally been set up.

The last guy I dated was a no go (only 5 ft 6 which I compromised on). But he was very busy and a bit of a gaslighter. He said he was worried we were losing momentum when I had told him I had plans for that night. But then I told him I was willing to hop on a train from my friends house in Oxford and meet up with him at his hospital in Essex with leftover Lasagna, hearing that he all of a sudden played the I’m tired card. Called it quits as he was always busy but weirdly tried blaming it on me.

I'll be honest I wouldn’t date someone who earns less than me but tbh that’s quite normal for my peers.

You keep saying someone's money isn't the main driver - but then you make this arbitrary comment! You're seeing salary as a proxy for 'hard working career oriented'. And probably ruling out hard working ambitious people - because in some careers aren't money focussed!

I've got to ask - roughly what your salary?

Do you want to work whilst having a family or give up work?

you say your beautiful & educated but what else, hobbies? Are you fun to be around?

I do need to take the pressure off myself. But I feel very alone. Miss cuddling up on the sofa with someone I care for.

Come home from work to my flat share and just feel so far away from what I want.

But I said I didn’t cause I liked his other qualities.

Poor you, I do remember this feeling and London can really be brutal. Important to get away from it sometimes too.💛

It's fine to have a moment of loneliness, millions of people who are single and would like to be with someone also do- but I wouldn't let that define your week or your month or your identity if you can help it. Be sad, moan to your mum or a good friend, then get out there doing interesting things. This time will never come again, but unfortunately you are probably too young to realise it!

Op, a good marriage is often based in having similar financial goals. I married a soendthrift and whilst being objectively wealthy (both high earners) it is fucking exhausting being the sensible one. So i think it is right to have these things on your radar.

You just have to get out there, go on lots of dates and see what happens. Most people i know met at work. I met my now husband in a bar whilst out with a friend judt before inturned 30. Online dating has always looked more like a hookup option to be honest.

A decade on, lots of my friends that got married 28-33 are now onto their second marriage.....

Sooo... you're after the 5%. Head screwed on, financially successful and responsible, no doubt attractive, tall, probably good in bed... then all the other 'must haves' like wanting to marry and have kids, same age, not a dick?

The majority of these get attached in uni.

Try a new male orientated hobby. You sound quite controlling and learning something which makes you look a bit vulnerable might be more appealing to men.

Hobbies: I enjoy cooking, yoga, visiting historical sites and hiking. I regularly catch a train out of London and walk the Chiltern/Thames path.

I probably go to the gym 4/5 times a week.

I love going to the seaside, exploring towns and cities in the UK. With the odd occasional city break abroad but less so recently as I am saving for a deposit.

Enjoy trying new food places (sadly mostly off of Tik Tok). Would love a dog but not possible right now.

Have been thinking of getting into golf.

What do you do besides work?
Do you have anything to talk about other than how much you earn and your life plan?

I think join a club doing something you enjoy and you might find like minded people. My recommend is a walking club? If you like walking! Haha! The point is to walk in nice places and get exercise and if you meet some one nice that is a bonus. However I do agree that London people think they are forever young and aren't looking to settle down until later in life. Addressing the need you feel to be a parent. You have a good ten years of fertility probably. Would it help to make a plan. I.e. dating between 30-35. If there is no one out there have a child with donor sperm at 35. I would have gone it alone if I hadn't met my partner. Single parenting is tough but I always knew I wanted a child. Good Luck! And P.s you are a great catch!

Go to Bonhams or Sothebys at auction time and look like you need help.

Or alternatively, open your mind to people being people, don't type cast and explore connection before thinking about their compensation.

For what it's worth, this Monday I went on a perfect first date with a man from Tinder. He told me he works in construction. I was fully expecting a brickie, what I got was a perfect Gentleman, well dressed, groomed, smelt amazing, held open all the doors, didn't let me pay for a single thing and we laughed all night long. Turns out he also owns his own very successful business (in construction) and makes a mint.

You would have overlooked a man like him.

I think it’s a bit sad that all of the focus is on “what he brings to the table” and not- is he kind (in general and to me), do I feel at ease around him, do we have lots to talk about, does he make me laugh. Actual personal qualities/sense of connection rather than just earning power. It all sounds so transactional. Why are you so fixated on a potential partner having to earn more than you?

As someone said up thread, high earners can be bad with money and lower earners can be really sensible with their finances.

Yes - I'm married to one of these men as are many of my friends and most met and married their husbands before the age of 30 so I think the pool will have reduced considerably by then.

Attend university reunions, alumni events, network through work, join industry groups - anything that gets you meeting a new group of people (or people who have changed/grown since you last met them). Be open to different people.

I met mine at a university reunion - friend of friends - about your age. Just celebrated our 18th anniversary.

It does sound like a product launch.

If your priority is kids I think you need to think about the type of lifestyle the careers you’re targeting (and yes, that does seem to be what you’re doing) allow. DP is a lawyer. He’s unusual in his industry in that he’s making sacrifices in his career but still he makes it home for bedtime for our toddler less than 50% of the time, which is tough for me. I imagine most finance bros are similar. I absolutely would not be interested in starting a family with a doctor, the hours and unpredictability are awful.

Have you dated any men in your own industry? Do you meet anyone through work?

But I think It is basically apps or friends of friends.

OK, from someone who wouldn't have settled, worked in the City (very hard) and has been happily married for nearly 35 years.

Join a political party, choir, church, tennis club, running club, etc.

Join a book club, rotary, volunteer.

Book some sort of group holiday, organised.

Take-up an interest: learn a language, water colours, bridge, cordon-bleu cookery.

Give parties - you have to entertain others to get invitations.

Go to the theatre/cinema/concerts - aline if necessary.

Join the Friends of the V&A

Do all of the above and your life will become interesting and rewarding whether you meet a man or not. If you do, you will have interesting/relevant things to talk about. Someone at one of those activities might invite you to a party and new circle of friends.

London is your oyster - it holds and has so much.

PS: when I met him, DH was on his uppers.