To ignore school mum's pain

[tokibiko]

One of DD's best friends at school (aged 7) has parents whose marriage appears to be on the rocks. I don't know the mum well - it's more of a hi/bye thing at drop off and pick up - but bumped into her on the street the other day. She randomly burst into tears and made all sorts of serious allegations against her husband, none of them I want to repeat here because they could be outing her/me. The allegations are all to do with the dad's behaviour against the mum, not DD's friend. The woman seems to be in a bad way and on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know the family well enough to know if she is telling the truth or to speak to the dad for his side of the story (nor do I want to). The best friend seems happy and cheerful whenever I see her at drop off / pick up time - but obviously I do have a concern about whether the child in question would be picking up on the aforementioned issues at home, should the allegations be real.

AIBU to ignore this? Or should I speak to someone at school (e.g. safeguarding contact, even though at this point the concern is for the school mum rather than the children).

Edited to add - I was sworn to secrecy by the mum. She doesn't want to take it up with anyone.

It’d be shitty just to ignore this poor woman’s pain when she’s told you she’s basically being abused yes.

I actually can’t believe you need to ask.

You could be the only person she felt she could talk to op. I'd ask her if she wanted to meet for a coffee and try to help her if you have the time and energy to do so.

It's not clear exactly what is happening but a recent change means a child witnessing DV is considered a victim of DV. It doesn't matter if the child isn't hurt.

I think it's a tough one to be honest as I'd be reluctant to get involved as I don't know them but it sounds she needs help

I’d inform the school at least.

Most people would offer a hug and an ear. Poor woman.

Is this a real post? Why wouldn't you reach out to her? Poor woman. If someone tells you they're being abused, your default position should be to believe them.

This

I think this is the way to go

This is my dilemma. I'm very reluctant to get involved. She clearly needs help but does not seem to want to take it up with anyone.

What is the best way to get her the help given the situation?

Impossible to know without knowing the nature of the allegations are (and you are right not to go into that). If she is saying he brought sex workers to the house for orgies in her bed, then as long as their children are oblivious, I would stay out of it. If she is alleging that he beats her in front of the children then obviously speak to the school.

But if she is telling you all this without knowing you well, she is probably telling the school and social services too.

Yes - if you read my OP, we spoke (at length in fact), it's not like I rushed past her on the street.

No but you aren’t sure if you believe her and are considering totally ignoring it…

I wouldn’t tell the school or anyone at all. I would offer as much support to the woman as I could. Even just to listen. But there’s no way after sworn to secrecy, I would disclose to others.

I definitely wouldn't tell the school as a safeguarding issue. The last thing this poor woman needs is the school getting involved or potential issues with her kids. I think you need to get her number and reach out to her and see if she's ok! She clearly needs some support.

I would invite her for a coffee and a chance to talk some more.

It would give you an opportunity to signpost some services such as her GP, Mind and Womens Aid who could help her work through her situation and offer mental health support.

I expect she will say something to school in due course anyway so I wouldn’t necessarily tell them unless you think there’s a major safeguarding issue. It sounds like they’re splitting up anyway, which takes time.

I would however see what you can offer in terms of practical support. Playdates? Cup to tea? etc

How did the conversation end?

No no no no!

no!

I disagree strongly with everyone else here. I got massively roped into a situation with an alcoholic/suicidal school mother due to feeling responsible for the children. Total fucking nightmare and emotionally drained me for 2 years. Awful shit.

what you do is report to safeguarding at school, then they are aware and can take it from there. You owe the mother nothing and do not get sucked into this!

It makes me suspicious what part you play in this because you’re calling them “allegations” and don’t seem to believe a word of it. I’m not sure you’re a safe person for her to confide in because of that.
It depends on what the “allegations” are. I think she should come into a place like this if she needs someone to talk to that doesn’t really know her

It ended with her swearing me to secrecy and me wishing her well and saying I hope things would work out for her (I tried to lend a listening ear rather than 'solutionise' for her, given I don't really know her, but at one point did suggest she should consider taking legal action - or any action, for that matter. She was very emotional and wasn't really in a state to agree / disagree with that.

Yes, please inform the school. They may well have suspicions and to be confirmed by someone else would be so important. If they don't they will put the child on high alert and contact services to look into it. You will have reported it officially so action will be taken. This was a cry out for help and you can help by doing this. Xx

You need to tell the school.

Children witnessing abuse is traumatising and a massive safe guarding issue.

To be clear, as I mentioned upthread, I am reluctant to play part it this, though evidently it's weighing on my conscience. The woman poured her heart out and I feel for her, but where do we go from here if she is saying she wants to take no action?

(and doesn't want me to tell anyone)