To ignore school mum's pain

[tokibiko]

One of DD's best friends at school (aged 7) has parents whose marriage appears to be on the rocks. I don't know the mum well - it's more of a hi/bye thing at drop off and pick up - but bumped into her on the street the other day. She randomly burst into tears and made all sorts of serious allegations against her husband, none of them I want to repeat here because they could be outing her/me. The allegations are all to do with the dad's behaviour against the mum, not DD's friend. The woman seems to be in a bad way and on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know the family well enough to know if she is telling the truth or to speak to the dad for his side of the story (nor do I want to). The best friend seems happy and cheerful whenever I see her at drop off / pick up time - but obviously I do have a concern about whether the child in question would be picking up on the aforementioned issues at home, should the allegations be real.

AIBU to ignore this? Or should I speak to someone at school (e.g. safeguarding contact, even though at this point the concern is for the school mum rather than the children).

Edited to add - I was sworn to secrecy by the mum. She doesn't want to take it up with anyone.

Firstly you have no idea of what kind of abuse occurred.

The child might be completely oblivious to it.

Secondly - what to you think the out come of this is going to be?

Social services swoop in, kick the husband out and they all live happily ever after?

It just doesn’t work like that. If social services did get involved they wouldn’t go in by stealth. Statistically do you know how many times it takes for a woman to leave an abusive partner? Do you know she is at potential risk of losing her children all together if she doesn’t leave immediately if it is found he is being violent?

Abused women need empathy, trust and support and more importantly a path way to escape. Many many women clam up if they fear they are about to lose their kids. Making the situation worse.

You can’t just drop a bomb in a family then go home and make a cup of tea and forget about it

social services are highly unlikely to swoop in

Have you ever had experience of social services?

God no, do not tell the school. As you say, the child seems happy. Ask the poor woman for a coffee and encourage her to get help. She has made the first step in confiding in you and it probably took a lot for her to do so. Imagine the damage you could do by betraying her trust.

You have the chance to do something extremely kind and generous here.

these situations are in no way comparable. There is also a crucial difference: you are your DD’s mother. You are therefore judge, jury and enforcer in many conflicts.

this is not the case here. Our society has given these roles to the police, court system etc in matters of domestic violence. It is therefore not up to you (or me) to question this women’s “allegations”.

whether you want to be “there” for her is an entirely different matter however. This is not about disbelieving her or a lack of compassion but simply whether you have the time, strength and energy to do so. Because it is an extremely heavy burden to carry…

I would befriend her more - go for coffee etc and try and persuade her to get further help from Wimen’s Aid and the like. Not sure I’d inform school at this stage either - as you say you haven’t witnessed anything and you don’t know the woman well.
I once cried on the shoulder of a mum at school I didn’t know well in the ‘moment’ - she was really nice and took me back to hers for a coffee. We never became friends as such but I always thought of her kindly. It was something that happened to my DC that upset me (bullying), but she did help in the moment and I expect you caught this woman at a ‘moment’.

well yes, they are in dire straits. reports are made, little else.

think of the child at school though, their emotional wellbeing going unnoticed.

I wish the natural reaction was to believe women, rather than doubt them and turn away.

I have had a experience of being in a DV relationship and I agree with @Willmafrockfit

Despite the DV social services seemed to think it would be totally fine for my tiny children to spend unsupervised time.witu their dad

Op, I can only assume this is some kind of weird reverse?

You are strangely unfeeling

I've been a social worker for nearly 20 years.
Do you advocate that authorities should never be told about domestic violence in case they make it worse?

Honestly I'd find some appropriate organisations and give her the details.

Yes NCDV https://www.ncdv.org.uk/

And women's aid

Would be good starting points

Children are almost never unaffected by domestic abuse and if they are, they won't be forever. Do you advocate that social services should never be told about children experiencing domestic violence in case they make it worse?

There is no 'swooping'

Meeting for a coffee and listening further is not getting involved. It's just being supportive. You can then understand things better and make a decision about what to do next. Ask her if she wants to meet up... she might say yes she might say no...but at least you have tried. If she is true with her accusations she could be in danger and so could the child.

I've been a social worker for nearly 20 years.
Do you advocate that authorities should never be told about domestic violence in case they make it worse?

As a SW, you're obviously going to defend your profession.

But SW do not always have tact or empathy, or understand the very specific dynamics of each family/couple. I've met some shockingly unprofessional SWs. I've only met one who I could even say was good.

That doesn't mean it shouldn't be reported. DV is always a safeguarding matter. But can we not pretend that PPs comment is completely unwarranted.

Your first thought is she’s lying and you need to speak to her H? Jesus Christ.

I think what you did/triedt do was very honourable. There was a mum at my oldest's nursery who often dropped kid off reeking of alcohol. I wondered about the implications but did nothing. Poor kid.

I also think that op's situation is a bit different. Abused /divorcing women are less likely to take advantage of others than addicts, and the main issue is whether to maintain the secrecy requested.

OP, I'd have a coffee with her and advise her to tell the school herself. It was god of you to listen; I hoe you won't come to regret it.

If you worked at the school, or if you volunteered there, you’d have a professional obligation to pass on what you know to the safeguarding lead; you couldn’t be allowed to keep the woman’s secret. As you don’t (unless by chance you are on the PTA or similar?), it is up to you how to go forward. Not an easy one. If you do begin to feel, over time, that you ought to pass on what she has told you (which you might feel if it becomes apparent that her child is affected) then I’d say that you should let her know that you can’t promise to keep it a secret. There is a risk that she will stop confiding in you, which is one you may have to take. This is in line with the school policy that safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility.

Good grief OP a childish allegation v domestic abuse. A poor analogy at the very least.

I too have critical thinking, but this is too much.

I would report to school and forget about it. She doesn’t get to make serious worrying allegations to an acquaintance then demand they say nothing if a child lives under the roof.

Thinking about it I would lean more towards this point of view tbh. As a pp said the mother is an adult and can make her own decisions but the children can’t.

I suppose it depends what exactly the woman accused her partner of. If it is abuse as people are assuming then yes I think OP should tell the school. If he’s having an affair and being a general dickhead then no need to obviously.

lol someone saying they’re being abused deserves the same scepticism of you not knowing whether to believe your Dd brushed her teeth. Ok.

you’re not the best person to listen to this person OP so yeah you’re probably not going to help, esp as you’re not sure she’s being honest.

One thing I’d be mindful of is whether your child goes round there if there’s potentially an abusive partner. keep activities outside the home, or her DD can come to yours.

Well your experiences is a little different than mine.

It totally depends on the personality and intelligence of the care worker. The amount of women I know that have been screwed over by social services and the men walk away completely unscathed. Same with family courts. The mother is always judged more harshly despite suffering from extreme pressure and poor mental health.

The OP says the child is happy in school and you have no idea of what was actually disclosed. It seems to me that OP has never encountered anything like this before so her knee jerk reaction of telling tales to the school maybe unnecessary.

Its such a shame we live in a society where people are more inclined to just report and quickly move on regardless of the fall out - without actually seeing if they can help.

There was a post on here the other day where the OP witnesses an assault on a child in a car. In that instance I would have actually gone out to the car and phoned the police. I would have witnessed it.

But this situation is a disclosure off a very upset woman in passing at the school gate. More nuance is needed because potentially multiple disciplinary agency’s may get involved. This can run really really deep - even in to the mothers mental health history at her GPs

A little report maybe made but also this woman’s life may get turned upside down over the ‘good deed’