To ignore school mum's pain

[tokibiko]

One of DD's best friends at school (aged 7) has parents whose marriage appears to be on the rocks. I don't know the mum well - it's more of a hi/bye thing at drop off and pick up - but bumped into her on the street the other day. She randomly burst into tears and made all sorts of serious allegations against her husband, none of them I want to repeat here because they could be outing her/me. The allegations are all to do with the dad's behaviour against the mum, not DD's friend. The woman seems to be in a bad way and on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know the family well enough to know if she is telling the truth or to speak to the dad for his side of the story (nor do I want to). The best friend seems happy and cheerful whenever I see her at drop off / pick up time - but obviously I do have a concern about whether the child in question would be picking up on the aforementioned issues at home, should the allegations be real.

AIBU to ignore this? Or should I speak to someone at school (e.g. safeguarding contact, even though at this point the concern is for the school mum rather than the children).

Edited to add - I was sworn to secrecy by the mum. She doesn't want to take it up with anyone.

But that’s where you needed to draw boundaries. You can help someone and still keep a healthy distance and look after yourself. To ignore someone in pain and to have the attitude of not owing people anything is really cold. And it doesn’t mean the same thing will happen to OP as it did to you.

I hear your dilemma, OP. It’s really tough to know what to do in these situations and it’s tricky to navigate the best thing to do. I think it’s worth keeping the dialogue open with the Mum so she has somewhere to turn. If we speaking about DV, this needs to be managed sensitively as information getting back to the Husband could increase the risk to Mum. Have you suggested any organisations? Some really brilliant and discreet ones out there, my hunch is she may just need an ear and someone she can reach out to. Hope you’re okay too OP, it can be quite distressing hearing details of abuse so do take care of yourself too.

Ok well what about what she’s said makes you suspicious and not believe her?

don't agree, sorry!

they aren’t friends, they don’t know each other. There is likely to be a very draining and difficult situation here as the friend needed to rely on a relative stranger. That’s assuming the abuse etc is true.

the responsibility is to report to school and let them take over in case children are at risk. That’s it.

it’s very hard to put in boundaries with people who are unwell and end up relying and dependent on you. I urge people not to put themselves in that position with strangers.

Also btw I don’t think the judgement directed at me is fair.

it is hard to put in boundaries when you are the only one who has noticed the mother is shitfaced on the school run, and when they keep messaging you about their suicide attempts! Once you become accidentally embroiled it’s very hard indeed to escape!

I wouldn't break her confidence by reporting to the school unless I thought there was a serious risk of harm to her child. The last thing she needs is a load more hassle.

I don't blame you for not wanting to get involved tbh. It all sounds like a lot of drama and I say that as someone who left a DV relationship (but never felt the need to make a scene in the street). I think you should only involve yourself if you're willing to get entangled in the mess to some extent - for me I wouldn't be.

Then well have to agree to disagree.

Various posters have asked this - I described them as "allegations" because that's exactly what they are. I do not know the woman, I have not been in their house and witnessed anything, and to describe it in any other way would be colouring events. Whether I believe her or not, should not come into this at all, so please do not try to make this about me. I am merely asking for advice on whether and how to help her in this situation.

Are you happy for your DD to go and play round there having heard what she said?

All the people saying of course you should get involved... really?? OP hardly knows this woman. I would certainly want to do everything I could to help, but I wouldn't want to involve my self in someone else's domestic disputes. I think stay out of it. She has told you in confidence.

This! OP also has no way of knowing what’s actually going on!

This woman must be desperate to cry in the street and speak to another school mum. I think I would offer a play date or a coffee and give her an opportunity to speak. Direct her to some resources and offer practical advice. I couldn’t leave someone in that situation when I’m able to help. Even just suggesting she looks up similar threads on here might help her.

You and the OP are invested in not believing her because it makes it easier to do nothing.

Victims of DV deserve to be believed unless proven otherwise. The same respect we give to victims of sexual assault…and criminals.

I agree that this. I wouldn't be informing anyone.

She may have been keeping this in for a long long time and needed to let it out

No, that’s not true. I don’t disbelieve her but as I said above I’ve had very very bad experience with someone who leaned on me heavily/way too much for mental health and emotional support when she was a school mother I didn’t know. It was a nightmare.

they are not friends. Directing her towards resources and looping in the school is appropriate.

more than that is going to involve way too much for OP, a stranger.

I agree with this. I find that remark very callous to be honest.

Maybe it’s callous. As I said, you have no idea the nightmare I went through and how much time and energy I gave up to help someone for 2 whole years. That’s obviously shaped how I feel about it - I massively regret it and wish I hadn’t helped at all beyond reporting.

🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s very easy to say to help when it’s an online internet forum

Anyway I’m leaving this thread as I don’t want to derail - OP just wanted to share that I think in these situations you can end up
being quite involved, even when you don’t want to be, and it can be a lot/you can resent it. So just be mindful of that! Good luck

Just to say, @Anxiousheartbeat as you've added a few posts on this thread, that I do see where you are coming from. I had a similar experience before - not a school mum, but someone I met briefly at a networking event, and they ended up telling me about their life problems when we next met, and tried hard to be friends and to lean on me when it was clear that we had very little in common and no real basis for a friendship beyond this person's desire to lean on me for emotional support. At the time I dealt with it by declining their subsequent invitations to meet up, saying I was busy. They then sent a final message saying something along the lines of "I'm assuming that you don't want to be friends then" which I didn't reply to, and to this day I'm glad I didn't as to me, it didn't warrant a response tbh.

This current situation is obviously very different in many aspects. I'm not worried about my boundaries, but dislike getting into situations where I can spot a mile off that my boundaries are going to be tested.

Offering a listening ear and practical advice (e.g. "maybe you should lawyer up") is definitely on the cards here. But is there anything else I should or could do.

@tokibiko Meet her for coffee. Stress how important it is for her to reach out to whatever help she needs. Suggest who she can ask for help/ where she can go e.g GP, Women's Aid, Citizen's Advice.

Even if she doesn't take action at least you know that you tried to help without directly intervening. As you say, you have no evidence so at this point you can't do much more than signpost.

Gosh what a dilemma. I think it depends what the allegations are. If he hits her for example then I think you probably should speak to a safeguarding lead regarding the child. I’d be worried it might escalate and I could have done something about it.

rather than try & fix anything for her could you be a friend to her & take her for a cuppa?

You could try and signpost her to help. With respect it sounds unlikely you personally have the skills and experience to help her, but maybe you can get her to go to her GP or Women's Aid for support? Or report to police or instruct a solicitor if the situation warrants it?