To ignore school mum's pain

[tokibiko]

One of DD's best friends at school (aged 7) has parents whose marriage appears to be on the rocks. I don't know the mum well - it's more of a hi/bye thing at drop off and pick up - but bumped into her on the street the other day. She randomly burst into tears and made all sorts of serious allegations against her husband, none of them I want to repeat here because they could be outing her/me. The allegations are all to do with the dad's behaviour against the mum, not DD's friend. The woman seems to be in a bad way and on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know the family well enough to know if she is telling the truth or to speak to the dad for his side of the story (nor do I want to). The best friend seems happy and cheerful whenever I see her at drop off / pick up time - but obviously I do have a concern about whether the child in question would be picking up on the aforementioned issues at home, should the allegations be real.

AIBU to ignore this? Or should I speak to someone at school (e.g. safeguarding contact, even though at this point the concern is for the school mum rather than the children).

Edited to add - I was sworn to secrecy by the mum. She doesn't want to take it up with anyone.

I would tell the school, if something happens to that child you’ll never forgive yourself. You could tell the school you don’t want it traced back to you.

Hi @tokibiko
i appreciate you not wanting to get pulled into a yawning chasm of emotional chaos. As you don’t know the mum really, but your daughter is best friends with her daughter, I do think you should do something to look after the daughter.

based on what the mum was like on this occasion, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I would tell the school. It’s best for them to keep an eye on the little girl. No matter what the allegations against the dad, if the mum is sobbing in he street to strangers she must be at snapping point and I would be really worried about what life is like behind closed doors for your DDs friend.

At pick up, maybe you could also pass her a list of phone numbers for DV charities, or some local family solicitors, or a good therapist like MIND, and offer to babysit her DD if she needs to go and talk to someone?

I don’t think you can ignore it, you would never forgive yourself if she had a breakdown and killed herself.

i think the school need to know

It is a child safeguarding issue. You can’t ignore it. DA is hugely damaging to children even when they are not the ones targeted. If you ignore it you are complicit.

I wouldn’t get involved unless she was willing to report this because otherwise I would be dragged into something that is too big for me to handle on my own. So, despite her swearing me to secrecy, I would have to report what she told me - especially for the sake of the children. Before she confided in me I would make it clear that I would not be sworn to secrecy if I thought what she told me affected the safety of children in some way. I don’t keep secrets affecting children - that’s a bottom line for me.

If this is a real post.

OP will report it to the school. School will call her in for a safe guarding talk. This is all hear say at the moment with zero evidence. The school most likely will drop it as there is no witnesses or evidence.

The woman will most likely deny it as she will be terrified it’s going to get out of control.

The women will most likely never discuss this with anyone again.

It seems a lot of women on here have zero experience of dealing with women going through this.

What you’re doing is advocating dropping a bomb in to the woman’s life and just walking away.

🤯🤯🤯🤯 Ffs - your equating a child lying about brushing their teeth the same as a woman disclosing she’s being abused

What planet do some of you live on?

While I understand why you would have agreed to keep it confidential if she's told you about domestic violence then you should report it to the school or to social services because domestic violence harms children. I wouldn't do it behind her back but I would do it and I would arrange to meet with her to discuss it and offer support around next steps.

At the very least, you should refer her to services which might be able to help and encourage her to seek help.

To all the busybodies on the thread calling for OP to rush off and tell the school - even Refuge don’t advocate that. The poor woman will likely never trust anyone again.

Dropping a bomb in someone’s life and just walking away IS NOT helping her

Just send her this link and leave her be as your clearly unable to offer any compassion or real help

https://refuge.org.uk/what-is-domestic-abuse/support-someone-i-know-who-is-being-abused/

Your closest, most relevant example of whether you should believe this lady is that you gave a child the benefit of the doubt when they say they've cleaned their teeth??? 🤯🤯🤯

@totallynotstressingatall

‘It seems a lot of women on here have zero experience of dealing with women going through this’

yes, a lot of women have no experience of dealing with this. It’s posted in AIBU so you get a wide range of opinions from people with varied backgrounds. Everyone is giving their best advice from their own life experiences, which might not be as qualified as yours, but at least they are trying to help.

On the off chance you're still reading this, personally I'd offer her a coffee, have a chat, help her think about Refuge, Women's Aid etc. I understand the boundaries point will need a lot of care but I think you need to do at least that one next step

Can't you be a friend to her, listen and sign post her to help. You sound very cold.

If you’re reluctant to get involved you have to accept that you are prepared to stand by knowing a woman is being abused, has asked you for moral support, and you turned your face away.
That would eat at me.

She obviously needs time to work herself up to leave. Can’t you manage to go for a coffee with her?
If it comes to it direct her to Mumsnet.

Iif it DV it may be helpful to know if was a victim of dv while my kids were at school, re the playground I was often teary and people helped me and I was probably judged too a bit by some but my emotions were out of my control then as I was so upset ( was visibly injured) .

However it was the woman's refuge and the police who ultimately helped me and my children so I would give her the number and tell her to speak to them .
If would mention it to the school too as they have safeguarding responsibility .

I must admit it doesn’t help she’s sworn you to secrecy. You’ve been put in a difficult position there. Ask if she will accept help if she says no there’s not much you can do. I think it’s fair enough if you don’t want to be her sounding board. You’re a random school mum she barely speaks to not a councillor.
I don’t suppose you know if she’s on MN? She’d probably get lots of support if she posted on here.

it isnt being a busy body telling the school,
it is important for the welfare of the child.

You sound lovely

The school would probably be obliged to inform social services as a potential safeguarding issue. That’s a good thing in terms of protecting the children’s well being but unlikely this will be perceived as supportive by the mother. It might even put her at risk if the partner really is abusive. It’s difficult.

I wouldn't try to fix it for her but send a text saying "hi I hope you're having a better day. You're always welcome for a coffee anytime you fancy a chat."

Social services are very used to having to contact victims of DV without increasing the risk. Do you think they never intervene in case it makes things worse? They are professionals.

You clearly have zero experience of social services.

My friend was the child in this situation, I would not really care the most about the mother. She is an adult and can make choices about where she lives and how her life will go. I appreciate it’s not straightforward, and that sounds really cold. But the child has no ability to get themselves out of this mess, or change it. They are the most vulnerable. I would prioritise the child if it was a choice between the two.