To ignore school mum's pain

[tokibiko]

One of DD's best friends at school (aged 7) has parents whose marriage appears to be on the rocks. I don't know the mum well - it's more of a hi/bye thing at drop off and pick up - but bumped into her on the street the other day. She randomly burst into tears and made all sorts of serious allegations against her husband, none of them I want to repeat here because they could be outing her/me. The allegations are all to do with the dad's behaviour against the mum, not DD's friend. The woman seems to be in a bad way and on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know the family well enough to know if she is telling the truth or to speak to the dad for his side of the story (nor do I want to). The best friend seems happy and cheerful whenever I see her at drop off / pick up time - but obviously I do have a concern about whether the child in question would be picking up on the aforementioned issues at home, should the allegations be real.

AIBU to ignore this? Or should I speak to someone at school (e.g. safeguarding contact, even though at this point the concern is for the school mum rather than the children).

Edited to add - I was sworn to secrecy by the mum. She doesn't want to take it up with anyone.

No, sorry. If things are THAT awful, the child will be being exposed to things as well.
Email the school and tell them. There's no reason to think she'll work out it came from you. They can dress it up however they like.

On the contrary its a safeguarding issue and informing the school is exactly the right thing to do.

You have said that no safeguarding concerns were raised in the conversation. There is therefore no reason to inform the school of anything.

She also seems she burst in that moment, told you more than intended and then swore you to secrecy. You therefore should not talk about it with anyone you know through school.

What you might consider doing, seeing as her daughter is your daughter's friend, is suggesting some get-togethers with daughter and Mum. You don't have to talk about what she told you ever again, but at least that way she has some nice things to look forward to and a bit of an escape.

You have said that no safeguarding concerns were raised in the conversation. There is therefore no reason to inform the school of anything.

I don't think it's that clear from the OP. It's also not clear what OP's understanding of safeguarding is. There is a lot of confusion and misinformation, as evidenced by this thread where some posters think DA is only a safeguarding issue if the child is being physically harmed. If relationships at home are so poor that the child's Mother is bursting into tears and pouring her heart out to near strangers in the street then it is highly unlikely that the child is completely unaffected by the situation.

Hi
you need to inform the school. They will keep it confidential if they approach her about it. If you tell them with a caveat that you are concerned about the child they will have to act upon it.

Actually I do think it's weird. She doesn't know the op very well at all. Why her?
I would just notify the school and let them suggest what to do.

Most likely because OP appeared to show her a modicum of kindness when she was about to break down. I’m sure she bitterly regrets it.

I honestly wonder at how detached from reality MN posters are.

I read up thread op intended to leave thread so this is for the MN still interested and reading…I was in a verbally abusive relationship which was escalating to physical..3 incidents. 2 DC under 5. It was easier to impulsively talk with neighbors/moms of dc friends. If I told my family my sister it would have forced me to do something and also the shame of a failed abusive marriage exposed to my family. Families can find it hard to forgive husband even if wife chooses to when marriage difficulties (like an affair not abuse) are disclosed even if wife decides to try to reconcile. An outsider who seems nice or approachable or who has always treated DD well when she’s playing there would seem safe to talk to. I confided in 5 different women about was happening…I needed them to say Lavenderbrown this isn’t right or LB I have been worried about you he always seems so miserable. None of the 6 took on my problems or reported me but they helped me point my own compass towards help and change. I think it was quite intentional for the mum to select OP. The overwhelming pain emotion and sadness was right there at the surface and op was right there to talk to. It’s not weird to confide in someone a little on the outside…you can both leave it there until stronger. I do think the humanness the kindness the normalness of reaching back out for a play date and coffee cannot be underestimated.

I’d ring Women’s Aid and ask for their advice before making a decision.

At the very least I’d give her my phone number and tell her to call me anytime she needed to talk or more importantly a place of safety. If she wanted to talk further I’d suggest sources of help, Women’s Aid, child’s school, police if necessary. Isolated abused women ( if she is being abused) can so easily end up dead.

Edited to add - I was sworn to secrecy by the mum. She doesn't want to take it up with anyone.

Then apart from offer an ear there's not much you can do.

You really can't help someone that doesn't want help.
If she continues and you feel you really don't want to get involved but cant just ignore then put her in touch with women's aid or another local women's refuge they'll no best how to help her with her situation

If only my own mother and sister got the ‘default position’ email.

they avoided me like the plague or put the boot in to make things worse.

@tokibiko you don’t have to do anything in particular, but you can listen to her and ask if she needs anything

fwiw, it might be an idea to mention it to the school so that they can keep an eye on the little girl from a safeguarding perspective.

There are some lovely people on this thread 🥰

the school gate friends I had were also so very kind when I went through this situation and it was so totally unexpected. I’d never had anyone care for me like that, it came as quite a shock.

And if the children are in danger?

And if the children are in danger?

It's not a case of saying NOTHING just don't go straight to the school and social services and start blaming the mum and calling her abuse 'allegations'.

1. You're not the judge so you don't need to be unbiased. You need to be kind.

1. It's fine to refer but also show a bit of humanity to this woman. Speak with her, let her know you can't keep this to yourself. Offer support.

You are right I am not the judge and I am not in the situation either. But if the children are at risk then it is a different story and I stick by that.

I agree with this.

You would be wrong.

social services have a really high threshold while the school can offer low level support.

Why wouldn't you reach out to her?

Because she's not a member of The Four Tops?

In your position I would not break her trust, you could be putting her in SERIOUS danger op if she school handle this badly. There is no way I would take the risk you don’t know enough.

I would ask her to meet you for a walk or a coffee in a very quiet place. Give her the details for women’s aid, DV local number IN PERSON not by text - and ask her what you can do to help her, and you are here to support and listen. Ask her to contact them - for extra support, remind her about about her dd. If you think she is at IMMEDIATE risk or her dd then contact police/social services immediately but you might be better empowering her to deal with this.

No harm is going to come to you op, and if you do nothing and she is killed or seriously injured - you may find you have to justify why you didn’t help to a court, the police investigation that will follow.

By following self guarding guidelines you are protecting yourself. I would also step up general support of the child with sleepovers, play dates etc and really take care that she knows she can come to you if things deteriorate and she is afraid.

At least one woman dies every week - do what you can to prevent it 🙏🏻

This.

I think people just like reporting shit.

I would just like to add, this can happen to any of us, at anytime.

It is not something that happens everywhere else, and your life is untainted and untouched. It touches all of us in multiple ways.

If she had been hit by a car, you hopefully wouldn’t just stand there and do nothing, this is no different. We all must take care of each other, if we did, the statistics would not be so high.

School should absolutely know of relevant background wasn't students!!!

@totallynotstressingatall women who are in the middle of DV are sometimes unable to make rational judgements about their own wellbeing or/and that of their children. Involving a third party on a professional basis is nearly always the right thing to do, particularly if they are not a close friend, because what they are telling you may well be the sanitised version.

Women are killed by their partner. In 2021 144 women were killed by their partners.