To ignore school mum's pain

[tokibiko]

One of DD's best friends at school (aged 7) has parents whose marriage appears to be on the rocks. I don't know the mum well - it's more of a hi/bye thing at drop off and pick up - but bumped into her on the street the other day. She randomly burst into tears and made all sorts of serious allegations against her husband, none of them I want to repeat here because they could be outing her/me. The allegations are all to do with the dad's behaviour against the mum, not DD's friend. The woman seems to be in a bad way and on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know the family well enough to know if she is telling the truth or to speak to the dad for his side of the story (nor do I want to). The best friend seems happy and cheerful whenever I see her at drop off / pick up time - but obviously I do have a concern about whether the child in question would be picking up on the aforementioned issues at home, should the allegations be real.

AIBU to ignore this? Or should I speak to someone at school (e.g. safeguarding contact, even though at this point the concern is for the school mum rather than the children).

Edited to add - I was sworn to secrecy by the mum. She doesn't want to take it up with anyone.

I think she’s put you in an impossible situation really. If she’s telling you about DV crimes then report to police who can deal with it. Leave it to the professionals then at least you know you did something.

Why should OP invite her round for chats and coffee? She’s not her friend!

You need to tell the DSL at school, they all have one and they can take the appropriate action to protect the child.

I'm a school safeguarding lead. I've been working with women experiencing DA in different settings for almost 20 years and I think it's unwise to make sweeping generalisations about what 'will' happen because every situation is so different.

We have had several DA situations brought to our attention by other concerned school parents. In the majority of cases, when I speak to the Mum they are relieved to be able to talk about it. In some cases they don't initially recognise themselves as being victims of DA, but in time with support they begin to see the impact of the situation on the children and are usually willing to accept help. I can think of a handful of cases where, had another school parent not contacted us, it is likely a child would have come to serious harm because the information they shared turned out to be the tip of the ice-berg. It's rare for them to just deny that anything is wrong to be honest.

We have helped parents in DA situations with accessing a place in a refuge, obtaining free legal advice, sorting out benefits so they can afford to leave, sorted counselling for them and their children, arranged access to a IDVA and facilitated meetings/calls with DA services and other services (such as CAB or housing) happening in school so there was no risk of the abusive partner finding out. We recently helped a Mum to fully furnish her new flat by approaching various charities and local businesses to get furniture and appliances for her. In situations where they are not ready to leave, I offer a listening ear and a cup of tea which for some women I am fully aware they don't get from anyone else as their partners have isolated them from their family and friends.

I have to say it's pretty dispiriting seeing so many posts saying "whatever you do don't tell the school, that's the last thing she needs!" I honestly think so many people have no idea how much schools do to support families in crisis behind the scenes.

There is some nonsense on here. A DSL would absolutely take this seriously and if they didn’t they would be failing in their job.

Domestic abuse is an ACE (adverse childhood experience) for children and must ALWAYS be taken seriously!

Tell the school. They can then look out for the family.

Its such a shame we live in a society where people are more inclined to just report and quickly move on regardless of the fall out - without actually seeing if they can help.

I disagree with this. Reporting things to the appropriate authority is more useful than inviting someone for a cup of coffee (as many on this thread have suggested) to ask for more details, and seeking to personally intervene in a situation which if it merits any concerns at all most of us are not equipped to deal with.

I am of an age where I have seen plenty of relationships break down, and heard lots of allegations thrown in distress and anger. Some were factually true, and some were not, and if someone I don't know well tried to make a lot of accusations affecting their child and then swear me to secrecy, I wouldn't be sworn to anything. Sometimes the accusations in themselves would need to be reported even if they did not sound credible.

Its such a shame we live in a society where people are more inclined to just report and quickly move on regardless of the fall out - without actually seeing if they can help.

To be fair the only thing that will really help someone in a DV situation is if they leave.
Now obviously this is easier said than done due to things like coercion, threats and financial dependence so the victim will need the support of services, maybe a refuge, but they have to help themselves.

I don’t mean that in a “tut tut” sort of way. It won’t happen overnight and it isn’t easy but all the coffee chats in the world won’t help if she remains with an abuser. I think all the OP can do is ask her if she needs help being signposted to services that can support.

The “little report” to the school is more about the children’s welfare. It may or may not be necessary depending on what exactly is going on.

And we should never EVER just assume the child is ok because they seem smiley and as if they’re doing ok. a DSLs job is to ensure the wellbeing of that child. Report and let them do their job.

It definitely wouldn’t be my first line of action to report to the school unless I knew for a fact that the child was being abused. Can no one speak in confidence and work out a problem any longer? Next time I saw her I would ask how she is and see if she gave me the opportunity to suggest some ideas of where she could go for help. I would keep some boundaries and not become her main source of support but I would try to encourage her to look for help from Women’s Aid etc.

100% this. Please OP, tell the school.

By not mentioning it to people who work closely with the kids in this situation you are (sorry) putting those kids in danger.

Google ACEs: as a PP has stated, witnessing DA causes long term damage. I can testify to that.

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

‘It definitely wouldn’t be my first line of action to report to the school unless I knew for a fact that the child was being abused.’

A child doesn’t need to be abused personally to be damaged by what is going on in the family home. Read or watch a video on childhood ACEs, domestic violence is one.

Any information builds a picture for a DSL which can help them safeguard a child.

We don't know what was said, but I think it's important to point out that under UK law if a child is living in a home where Domestic Abuse is happening then that child is a victim of DA themselves. Children do not 'witness' DA, they are victims of DA. It was necessary to change the law to reflect this because substantial evidence has come to light that tells us emotional harm is practically universal in children who are living in a DA environment, even if they are not subject to physical harm or directly seeing assaults happening. So if there is DA, the child is being abused.

Omg the amount of people saying don’t report/get involved is shocking!

I wouldn’t want to end up as a stranger’s shoulder to cry on either, but I would definitely be passing this information on to the relevant people. Like PPs have said, safeguarding is everyone’s business.

never agree to keep things a secret if it’s something that is worrying or could escalate into something dangerous. Imagine if something terrible happened and you hadn’t reported the situation at a time where there could have been intervention.

Is witnessing violence not a form of abuse?

And that poor lady, she must have been so desperate to pour her heart out to someone she doesn’t know well. It’s really sad.

You can't force her to take any action if she doesn't want. She's not ready yet. She will most likely get there but it has to be in her own time. For now all you can do is listen. I'm sure she didn't plan on unloading all of this on you. She has been holding it together for so long and it spilled over in your company.

Do not make any decisions for her. She is already being abused at home, she doesn't need someone on the outside trying to force her hand into contacting authorities etc.

Listen to her. Check in with her occasionally. Ask her how she's doing. Let her know that she can talk to you if she needs and that if she ever feels strong enough to take steps that you will help her. Give her contact details for Women's Aid. You can't take on responsibility for her, and I'm sure she doesn't want you to. But you can check in occasionally and let her know she's not totally alone.

You must never agree to be sworn to secrecy! First rule of safeguarding

At least give her some sympathy and support! It doesn't mean you have to get involved - just let her know that she's not alone and unheard.

The fact that she’s asked for it to stay a secret is a massive red flag in itself.

What???What on earth is OK about the first scenario. Are you insane?

Also. Oddly specific.

Well yeah because no one wants to go to school and the entire playground are talking about it …

What safeguarding policies does the OP have to adhere to?

I would give her numbers for women’s aid/support, a shoulder to cry on /an ear for support. Regular check ins if you can. I wouldn’t report at this point as it may mean danger for her and you don’t know the full story. If you do discover there’s violence report

If there is domestic abuse in the home then the child is ABSOLUTELY being abused. Experiencing domestic abuse IS abuse of a child.

I'm late to this and have read OPs comments and not whole thread, but

Firstly OP you do not need to get involved if you don't have capacity to do so, but please do advise her to talk to Womens Aid or call the National Abuse helpline. - give her the numbers. That's where she can get the help and advice she needs.

You have probably helped a lot already just by listening to her.

When she's ready to get help having the above info will help her and as she's already told someone - a massive step - she is likely ready to make that call.

Yes it is for a child. But OP never said she had witnessed it.