To ignore school mum's pain

[tokibiko]

One of DD's best friends at school (aged 7) has parents whose marriage appears to be on the rocks. I don't know the mum well - it's more of a hi/bye thing at drop off and pick up - but bumped into her on the street the other day. She randomly burst into tears and made all sorts of serious allegations against her husband, none of them I want to repeat here because they could be outing her/me. The allegations are all to do with the dad's behaviour against the mum, not DD's friend. The woman seems to be in a bad way and on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know the family well enough to know if she is telling the truth or to speak to the dad for his side of the story (nor do I want to). The best friend seems happy and cheerful whenever I see her at drop off / pick up time - but obviously I do have a concern about whether the child in question would be picking up on the aforementioned issues at home, should the allegations be real.

AIBU to ignore this? Or should I speak to someone at school (e.g. safeguarding contact, even though at this point the concern is for the school mum rather than the children).

Edited to add - I was sworn to secrecy by the mum. She doesn't want to take it up with anyone.

The best thing you can do is be there for her to talk to

I would maybe ask her for a coffee so you can speak to her while she's not so upset. You don't need to get involved but her telling you might be the spur she needs to get help

Jesus Christ.

She is probably in bits at home thinking that you’re going to start gossiping about her or worse…

I really doubt she was planning on telling it sounds like it just came tumbling out.

You can do two things

1. ignore - don’t get involved
2. ask to see if she would like to go for a coffee.

Tbh OP in your shoes I would ignore because your instinct when a woman who is in a state and blurts out she is being abused is to ponder if it’s true, consider reporting it officially and talk about it in MN.

Do not go to the school

If a school mum/any one had told me this I’d believe them and see if they needed help!

If this is true then your reaction has really irritated me.

This is really fucking cold.

A woman reaches out to you and you head straight to the school - who will ring social services triggering a potentially worse situation.

What about asking them for a coffee to go over the situation before blabbing your mouth off?

Fuck me. Have you actually got any friends?

With safeguarding you can never promise not to pass on information to a person in authority however it would be best if possible to signpost her to the statutory services for domestic violence for your jurisdiction

Ffs. Actually you can - if you’re a friend having a chat to another friend on the street! This only applies in organisations where safeguarding policies have been set up!

On Wednesday I went to the WI annual conference . The theme of the day was getting rid of violence against women and children The main speakers were well chosen and delivered some hard hitting but very necessary talks .
A recurring theme was believe women when they tell you. OP
you did come across in your first post as it not being believable but we heard on Wednesday about women who mask , whilst living a hell , for a variety of reasons .
So I wouldn’t use that as a reason not to believe.

we all know of cases we have read about over the years where the never ending phrase was no joined up thinking between agencies , so I would tell the school safeguarding lead . And I would keep an eye out for her in future .

If you really don’t want to get involved, then I think I would tell her I’ve been thinking about her and her situation and, although you’ve stuck to your promise not to discuss it with anyone, you really feel like she needs someone in her corner, so you want her to have the phone number for Women’s Aid, in case she’s ready to seek help. I’d also offer to help out by having her DD over as often as you can cope with and always in an emergency.

She's not your friend, she's a distant acquaintance. I don't see how you can practically help other than point her in the direction of services/charities which can help and have the experience to help. In your shoes I wouldn't be willing to get sucked in to hours of handholding of someone you barely know, and doing so also wouldn't be of any practical help to her.

She isn't your responsibility. She will know domestic abuse organisations exist so can contact one if she does actually want to change her situation.

Inform the school so they look out for the welfare of the child. No child should have to live in a household with abuse.

But she’s not a friend she’s an acquaintance and a parent at school who has told OP about some ‘serious allegations’. We don’t know what the allegations are but if they were physical abuse and I was the OP I’d also be wondering if I should report it because safeguarding is everyone’s business. Would a coffee and the number for women’s aid make any difference? She can Google it herself if she wants to but it’s not that simple in an abusive relationship.

I don't see myself as a safeguarder to school mums

Seriously unkind to see a woman burst into tears and then start questioning if she's lying.

Also, disappointing to see people saying leave her alone because she's not a friend. Wtf kind of attitude is that? Only your little circle are deserving of compassion? It takes one conversation to ask if she's ok and direct her to the school for support.

My point wasn’t about whether you want to engage; it’s about your stubborn refusal to take what she says as the truth. By allowing that she may be lying, it’s easier for you to not get involved with a clear conscience.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. All perspectives have been very helpful.

I note that many posters have highlighted that we should all be taking serious allegations at face value and to do otherwise would be "stubborn refusal to take what she says as the truth".

I am a cautious / sceptical person by nature, and there are many other instances in life where I've initially suspended belief / disbelief - in situations of varying severity (e.g. DD: "mummy I've brushed my teeth for 2 minutes" Me: "did you really".... Another time, one of DD's other friends came up to me and said DD hit her. This was in the playground when they were young, after some initial consternation and much interrogation, it transpired that the incident happened as an accident while they were running around playing 'It').

This thread has certainly given me food for thought. I'm going to leave it now and will not be posting further updates about this on MN.

This.
Your action is that you are compassionate to her.

You are clearly easy to talk to.

The issue with DV is many men alienate woman from friends and family. However many will also tell you things and go back to bad marriages, it takes on average 8 times to leave a DV relationship - woman get worn down and have little confidence or self respect - they can be irrational because their situation is irrational. It follows a pattern of good and then bad days or weeks. They find they can’t talk to anyone and soon run out of friends.

You are right to be cautious- it’s a heavy burden to bear.

I would say you can offer a listening ear, she won’t take advice, I doubt she’d call woman’s aid - or the police - it really depends where she is on the cycle.

I wouldn’t report anything yet, if at all, stay nutural and be a listening ear if she speaks to you again.

This

If its just a hi/bye relationship you don't know her well wtf

However, no you shouldn't ignore this. At all.

Well only you know the nature of her distress OP, so it's difficult for us to offer appropriate advice.
If her DH is violent or co-ercive and/or she is afraid of him then I'd obviously be more concerned than if it was something like an affair or gambling.

I can't get Emma and Lettie Pattison out of my mind, if only someone had reported them to safeguarding.

So because kids tell porkies you think this woman may be lying about something this severe? I cannot believe your attitude. I'd show more kindness to a complete stranger (and have done in the past.)

Can you not just be a friend to her?

No!

The swearing to secrecy is a red herring...
If you do nothing you're colluding...

She told you all this stuff... It's clear you need to inform safeguarding at school... It sounds as if this is a DV situation? And one in which the kids will be suffering abuse as a result of witnessing this.

Either tell safeguarding Monday or depending on seriousness call ooh social services tomorrow.

I'd offer her some support and signpost her to Women's Aid.
It's bizarre that anyone would suggest telling the school. Like the poor woman doesn't have enough to deal with

She swore you to secrecy so you need to keep her trust.
Be a good friend, though you are not besties.

Make her a meal. Have a coffee before pick up at school.
Ask how she is and be ready to listen.

It's always terrible during a break up.

Can you suggest that they seek professional help?