Women with rich husbands looking down noses at others

[Ifyouholdonforonemoreday]

It bugs me!

I live in a v wealthy area, lots of mum friends of mine don’t work, lovely people, husbands earn enough, fantastic situation I’d do the same (I work part time) but many other women who don’t work, days spent lunching, playing padel, getting nails done, yoga and so on…but just really up their own bums, very snooty and looking down at others. Have to admit it annoys me, it’s not their money, they didn’t earn it, why act like that? They could lose it all tomorrow, anyones circumstances could change..just eurgh

Does anyone else hear Margot Ledbetter reading this post?

Me neither.

@doeeyedstan You said you were "highly educated" so why would you need to...and I quote "get some random job?" Well, apart from perhaps supporting and or contributing to your family of course.
Although I agree it would probably be very hard for you to find something having not worked for 30 years.

No. Just you. I think that poster spoke an awful lot of sense.

Yes. 😂

I think the Queen Bee’s yes girl has just entered the conversation .

I get really tired seeing women still attack each other over what are fundamentally personal decisions regarding work and the balance of raising a family, which ultimately is no one's business but the couple in question.

I've had periods of my life where I've worked full time earning good money in a competitive field, I've had periods when it's been me supporting my unemployed husband, I've had periods where I've dropped my hours to spend more time in the children, and currently I'm taking a year off work to be a SAHM because my (now very high earning husband) and I both felt this was would be best for our family at this point in time. For what it's worth I love having the luxury of time as a SAHM. My current life is no less mentally stimulating than it was when I was working - I finally have time to pursue a range of unpaid interests (e.g. local charity work, contributing to the PTA and local allotment group) alongside raising the children and keeping the house clean. My husband's career development has been greatly enhanced by my willingness to do a greater share of the childcare and we view his income as "our" income that we share 50/50, including his bonuses where I get half. He also pays into my pension and treats me with complete respect and I don't have to look or behave a certain way to earn it.

I'm very lucky because I'll have a good job to go back to at the end of it all, but I don't get the whole SAHM vs working mums thing because surely it's not uncommon to mix and match at different points? And even if you do commit to full time work or always being a SAHM, then so what? I really do think there is jealousy and insecurity on both sides and I just wish women would treat each other with more respect.

Sorry OP, I know this was not the point of your post, but it has understandably stirred up a lot a mud slinging and nastiness, especially about women who don't have paid jobs but without whose unpaid home labour society would cease to function.

@Annabel28 In what way would "society cease to function?"

We all keep house, working or SAHM, for no financial gain.

If we are going to go through the history of women and work then the SAHP is a very modern concept unless you are/were wealthy. For the largest part of society double income is a necessity not a luxury. Although until the 1950s being a housewife really was hard physical work and took a great deal of time. Women worked from home, the cottage industry, and were paid for glove making, lace making, dressmaker laundress etc. They would look after the home and work.
We have reached the 2020s without society disintegrating what is changing that makes you think it would collapse.

I was thinking the same.

Cooking, cleaning etc in your own house is what the vast majority of adults do. Including those who work full time.

So much for women supporting other women's choices.

On reflection "society would cease to function" is a dramatic turn of phrase, but my point is that if no one cooked, cleaned or cared for children things would disintegrate. You wouldn't say a paid cook, cleaner or childminder is of no value, so why should it be worthless to society just because no one is paying you?

Of course I get the notion that most people work and do these things (and for most of my life I have both worked in a very busy full-time NHS role and done all this), but with the example of childcare, why is paying another individual to do it so that you can earn money inherently better than temporarily stopping paid employment and doing it yourself, if in the short-term that's what works for you and your family (for example, if one persons job involves very long hours and frequently flying abroad?)

And why are we so fixated on work/income being the main marker of your worth to society? Or is that just the natural consequence of capitalism?

I actually find it very problematic that in our economy the vast majority of parents need at least two incomes to survive - not every society is like this.

It's equally problematic that when one parent chooses to go part-time or stay at home, 99% of the time it will be the woman (who then gets shat on by other women for doing so), but given the gender pay gap in the short term for most couples this is the solution that makes the most financial sense.

Again, other countries both have much more equal pay than we do and actually pay all families decent amounts of child benefit and cover childcare costs so that working parents aren't so stretched - I'm thinking of Germany where some of my relatives moved to. They do not want to return to the UK because raising children feels easier out there partly because of much more government funding towards childcare which means their work actually pays and they don't have to constantly work just to pay for the roof over their head.

I see a lot of quite masochistic women on these boards almost boasting about how hard they work while raising children, but honestly other countries demonstrate it doesn't have to be this hard.

As an aside I'm a member of the women's equality party and have publicly campaigned against pay inequality and for women's rights in general, but I don't agree that temporarily choosing to be a SAHM and contribute to society in non-paid volunteering roles (which ironically are all women's health charities) is equivalent to being a 1950s housewife with limited choices.

I think if you look back you will find that charitable work was extremely popular with upper middle class women pre 1950s. Philanthropy is not new.
It is no accident that the word patronising derives from the well meaning patrons of poor charities.

@Annabel28 But why should the cooking and cleaning get in the way of anyone going out to work to earn a wage?
I don't do any cooking - husband does that - and we do the cleaning at the weekends/evenings as and when.

Jealousy is very unbecoming. Why does it bother you so much what (you assume) other people think?

I am one of those women you are sneering at. We aren’t judging you. In fact, we aren’t thinking about you at all because we are busy raising our children / living our lives / enjoying our families.

I am glad that my husband doesn’t take the view that the money he makes for us isn’t my money! I spent years slogging away in a highly paid and demanding corporate role pre-kids. We can’t both work like that and also provide the type of hands on parenting for our children that we want so I left my job. I can say hand on heart that my “job” as a sahm is way more demanding than my 15 hour days in the office as a lawyer! Yes, I get my hair and nails done and I work out - these are the exact same things that I did when I was working. Not sure why these things are suddenly verboten just because I’m no longer a lawyer?!

I feel like this about the one friend I have who doesn't work. She doesn't have kids just lives off her husbands wage. I've decided it's jealousy on my part as I hate working.

I find it infantilising that she has no idea what her car insurance cost or a holiday etc as he pays for it all and I feel actual rage.

Whilst it's been hot she's been texting me photos of her hanging out it at the lido. I just think "get a job". But I know that's my issue and I really try and contain the rage. It's hard though.

What is this idealisation of paid work? Like that (ie money) is the only thing of value in life. For what it's worth, I work. I also think it's wrong that we have set up society that you need two full time wages for an ordinary family just to get by. Time is a really precious commodity and families should have more of it.

Envy is one of the 7 deadly sins for a reason: it achieves nothing and makes you unhappy.

I don't think you're wrong to think as you do.

A man doing the same as her would be called a 'cock lodger' on here.

Your friend is just a sponger and there's nothing wrong with seeing that.

Denouncing that "idealisation of paid work" is fine, unless you're expecting someone else to do the paid work so you don't have to.

This is a form of inverted snobbery, yes, I've no doubt there are women like that, but the majority aren't. Maybe you feel inadequate and put up a defence which comes across as unfriendly.
And to say the money isn't theirs, I would thoroughly disagree. They're in a relationship, they probably put their careers on hold to look after children etc...

Just to turn this on its head, many (mostly men) in paid employment might expect an unpaid SAHM to do work (cleaning, childcare, drop offs, family life admin, homework etc.) so they don't have to, or at least so they don't have to outsource it to a nanny/cleaner etc. Again, it is possible for this to be agreed between a couple and for all parties to be happy.

To imply the unpaid partner is implicitly lazy is ridiculous, when they could equally argue that sitting on your bum in an office all day and not partaking in family life is lazy...

This!!!! A full time nanny would cost at least 40k per year (and much more for overtime -
all the night time wake ups etc). Raising children is hard work - I was making over 300k as a lawyer before I left my job and I would say that my current role at home with 2 children under 2 is far more demanding and I have a nanny for 4 hours every weekday so god knows how everyone else is managing! My husband massively appreciates the job that I do taking care of our children. As he jolly well should!

I can’t believe some of these posts implying that it’s lazy to stay at home caring for children / the house…