To not make 22 month old say please and thank you

[Sleepygrumpyandnothappy]

Obviously I encourage it sometimes, but generally I’m not fussed about ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.

DS (not yet 2) is a late talker and not really stringing two words together. If he’s persistently asking for more I’ll encourage him to say please, and I always model “thank you” but otherwise it’s not something we prioritise. I was very aware seeing SIL at the weekend that their two year old is told to say please and thank you all the time. Eg “would you like an apple or banana”, “banana”, “say ‘banana please’”. I find it quite jarring as it’s used far more than normal adult speech would require/expect.

Are we bringing DS up to be a rude little horror?

With SIL on this, but also subject to development as if a child is not saying many words in general, then less likely they will be able to say please / thankyou. 2yos with good speech should be able to

Agreed with above posters. I have always been very hot with manners such as please and thank you. Before mine could string two words they would say ‘ta’ for thank you then as they put words together they said thank you.

I know MN will probably disagree on this one but I'm with you. Also have a late talker and I do get him to do makaton thank you but I don't overdo it. I always model. I think if they are struggling with their speech you should always be positive and not insist on them saying anything so you don't put barriers up. I'm assuming he will grow up to have manners! If he was four or five I'd have a different approach.

I've been there when friends and family have had huge stand offs about saying thank you etc and to be honest it just seemed really performative and awkward. More about impressing other adults than modeling to your child.

By modelling the language and offering him a chance to repeat, you are supporting his language and manners. I did it before mine could talk. And they would babble along.

Why wouldn't you want your child to say please and thank you. My 16 year old can often be heard reminding his mates "what's the magic word"🤣.

You are teaching your child to be lacking in manners. It matters.

It's a cultural thing. The British say please and thank you way more than in some other places. I got told not to say 'gracias' so much when I lived in Spain

With SIL on this one. Lots of repetition and modelling the use of “please” and “thank you” as much as possible throughout the day. We used “ta” instead of “thank you” when DS was using single words.

The way I see it, please and thank you are signs of respect and I want ds to grow up being respectful of others, their time and effort etc etc. I also think it's a nice way for them to learn how to show appreciation. Ds will sometimes stop nursing and say tata and then continue which is really sweet.

As people get older, the kinder and nicer they are to the people they're dealing with, the more chance they'll have a positive experience with that person and that that person will want to help them if they need it. So I think being polite is a life skill.

Now that being said, if your wee one is still getting to grips with speech I don't think you need to put them or yourself under pressure but you could still use the likes of sign language etc to help them establish that type of interaction.

My sisters kids are lovely and so well behaved and sweet but they rarely say please or thank you and it quietly kills in when we're in restaurants and they don't say please or thank you to the server or when you give them birthday/ Christmas presents and they don't say thank you. I don't see any harm in starting it early.

I wouldn't insist on it before he got something if he's not a great talker yet but I would be repeating what he says with a please on the end. DS was about 2.5 when we started insisting on pleases and thank yous before he got anything. He's a very polite boy.

I dont think its more than a polite adult would say. If someone said to you "do you want a banana or an an apple" you wouldn't just say "banana " you'd say "I'll have a banana please." And then you'd say thank you on receiving it.

I hate the word “ta” with a passion. It’s my “moist”. I think this may be part of the problem.

I prefer modelling please and thank you at that age, not making them say it like a performing monkey constantly before they can have a banana.

Children learn by modelling.

Even if you don't make them say it I agree with those saying that you should say it sk they learn the appropriate manners. When they are more vocal then they should be saying it

My answer would be different at age 3 or so

I agree with your stance OP. IME kids do what they see, not what they are told to do. Carry on modelling and don't sweat it. Equally I don't insist on please and thank you every time, its condescending and unnecessary. I think tone of voice and manner of asking outweighs the absolute need to say please or thank you. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old who routinely use please and thank you, childcare settings have commented how consistently polite they are. I just speak to them respectfully and am mindful of using please and thank you and sorry frequently and appropriately to them.

Same. Both my son and daughter haven't been made to say please or thank you while learning as toddlers etc etc I just modelled this behaviour and they did it themselves. Also get told a lot that my children have amazing manners, so it's definitely worked!

I agree with you OP on as far as 'ta' being an absolutely hideous word. But encouraging please and thank you is so important. I was shocked that it wasn't automatic from dd's friends at parties etc, and I think a pp's description of it being jarring is about right.

I'm with your SIL on this. Good manners are important and need to be taught right from the beginning.

Yabu. Start with manners from day one. It's important. Sorry op you wrong here And mil is right. I know your DS can't say the words but say it every time for him ...model it for him so he learns it...it's important.

Aim for “tha” instead of “tha-nk you” my youngest had a speech disorder and was able to say this when prompted.

This! If an adult asks for something in a pleasant, polite tone, you wouldn't dream of saying "what's the magic word?", or witholding the requested item until they said please.

I agree with you, OP. For that age and especially for a late talker it's absurd. Functionally speaking if a child is going to be starting with two or three word sentences, I'd much rather hear "yellow ball!" than "ball please!" -- does that make sense? One is then starting to use adjectives, the other is them adding a word which they are so often just using by rote without understanding what it means.

Model it, say please and thankyou for them and TO them, but I don't like forcing kids at that age to say words just to satisfy adults. Politeness and respect a) is about more than please and thankyou and b) goes both ways.

I wouldn’t necessarily make him repeat it back in the way SIL did, especially if his speech is a little slow. I don’t think kids learn much that way.

But I think there is a happy medium. If he says ‘more’ I would say ‘more please’ and then say ‘thank you’ as I handed him whatever. Repeat ad infinitum, every single time. I agree with you that it’s way over the top compared to mature adult speech, but kids learn by observing the same things over and over again. DH and I were nauseatingly polite to each other when DC1 was learning to talk so it would be ‘the norm’. He can be a terror now at age 4 but at least he pretty much always says please and thank you!

I'm with SIL on this. Mine both signed please and thank you before they could talk.

This.

I'd rather a pleasant tone than a whiny performative please.

Manners are a great interpersonal skill. Lots people respond well to polite adults and children. Not teaching your children have manners work from the beginning is doing your child a disservice imo. It's should be second nature - not an arduous lesson to learn.