To not make 22 month old say please and thank you

[Sleepygrumpyandnothappy]

Obviously I encourage it sometimes, but generally I’m not fussed about ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.

DS (not yet 2) is a late talker and not really stringing two words together. If he’s persistently asking for more I’ll encourage him to say please, and I always model “thank you” but otherwise it’s not something we prioritise. I was very aware seeing SIL at the weekend that their two year old is told to say please and thank you all the time. Eg “would you like an apple or banana”, “banana”, “say ‘banana please’”. I find it quite jarring as it’s used far more than normal adult speech would require/expect.

Are we bringing DS up to be a rude little horror?

All mine did this too.

If he can’t say it then I’d say it for him and eventually he’ll do it himself.

You don’t have to force him. If you say it so will he.

Yes it jars on me. Hate seeing parents withhold food to a crying toddler until they say ‘please’ - just give him the fucking banana ffs!

I didn't say he could, you said it was jarring that sil asked her 2yo to say it but I think it was perfectly reasonable of her to ask.

I have never ever used “whats the magic word on DD”. I prefer a pointed “please” and a raised eyebrow. It sunk in eventually and now it is a habit, the modelling bit is how it’s said. We always say thank you and please in our home to each other as well.

She regularly gets snuck a few extras biscuits, mini cakes, macaroons and an extra smile. It’s a virtuous circle, people like dealing with a polite child and are kind towards her for it.

This. Keep teaching and it will become automatic.

And if he can say please when asked then I'd wait until he's said apple and then ask him to say please, not force, but ask. If he's happy to repeat it then at some point in the not too distant future he will probably start putting the two words together himself. You can absolutely teach them before they can independently say it without being asked. Then it will just come naturally to them as they get older.

I think also it’s about ingraining habits. You start with the alphabet, then phonics then reading, eat with your hands, then a spoon, then a fork, then a knife and a fork.

It’s the same principle with everything else as well, you build on foundations and eventually it clicks. I always think it’s harsh on a child if no-one ever mentioned something was important and then all of a sudden their parents are surprised when they don’t know something a few years down the line.

Could never understand people teaching children to say ta

My nieces and nephews were taught this. Were always being told to 'say ta' . I hate it. It doesn't sound like a real word to me although I checked and it is. But what adult says ta ? no one I've ever known. Why teach a word then have to unlearn it when they can say thank you properly. I would far rather wait until they can say the proper word. It is just the same as any other baby talk, just slows down proper speech in my opinion.

I have never ever told my son to say please or thank you. Same with sorry. We model it.

He is 2 and a half and people remark on how polite he is all the time. He is very sweet and says please and thank you all the time of his on volition. He will also say sorry and give hugs without being asked.

I would always model it and as an adult I would always see please and thank you if I was asking for something.

Often at that age i would say it on their behalf.

Children that age can't get their own food. By saying "say please!" before giving them an apple when they're hungry, you're just reinforcing your control over them. I hate it.

"Thank you so much" was one of my dd's first recognisable words "kakoo so mutt" but we never, ever insisted on it. Just modelled it by being polite to each other and to her.

I also (partly out of laziness) used to ask my dd to do/fetch things and modelled it that way "Dd, pass me the TV remote please. Thank you so much!"

She is very well mannered now at nearly-4yo.

There's better ways than that loathsome "what's the magic word" while holding a snack just too high for them to grab.

I also agree with pp, I've seen kids who think they can snatch things as long as they spit "please" first. "But I said please!"

The point is not whether he can do it, it’s the encouragement to get to the point where he says “apple please”. DD didn’t say please or thank you for ages, but we kept repeating it anyway and she got it. It’s about integrating manners into his speech as he is acquiring it. You don’t withhold food or do the “whats the magic word thing” . It goes like this

DS: apple
you: pleeasse”
DS: stares at you blankly

Eventually he’ll integrate it with repetition.

I do, we live in the NE and people say it interchangeably with thank you here.

My 24 yr old still thanks me for dinner because I taught him please and thank you.
When he was at school it was very noticeable which of his friends had been taught manners - it mattered then and now.

Do you not say thank you when a waitress brings you your food? You can't go in the kitchen and get it yourself, it's their job to give it to you but surely you still thank them?

Like pp we used mirroring. The children in our family picked it up via example. I don't like my GC saying thank you for food, they are absolutely entitled to it and it's my role to serve them until they can get it for themselves.

Couldn't agree more... but we got DD to say 'cheers' instead. Manners are important!

I'm an early years SLT- don't do this. I'm actually really disheartened by replies on this thread.

If your child is communicating using single words like apple then encourage the learning of a wider vocabulary. Then work on putting two words together.... Useful functional words like red apple, more apple etc.

If a child has difficulty learning language consider how confusing please and thank you are as phrases. What do they mean? Gratitude and manners are very abstract concepts that a two year old is not understanding.

We advocate a total communication approach, recognising and encouraging all attempts at communication to help it develop. So if your child responds to the question banana or apple by pointing out reaching towards one that's great, give them the banana saying "banana" or as their language develops "you want the banana" then when you ask the question and they respond saying "banana" you should add a useful adjective "big banana" "yellow banana" etc

It’s definitely subject to development. But doesn’t mean you shouldn’t begin showing him what manners are. My son was a very late talker and at 22 months barely said 5 words and it was always so hard to get him to say a word unless it was on his terms. I always emphasised “please” and “thank you” such as when he pointed to something he wanted I’d say “apple please” and give it to him followed by “thank you.” I wanted him to know what were the correct manners but was well aware he couldn’t say it so wouldn’t hold him to ransom over it. I had a family member literally sit and refuse to give him his cup of water that he was pointing at until he “used his words”. He was getting so upset I eventually snapped back and said “for gods sake he hasn’t got any words to use give him his drink!”

By the time he turned 2 it was like a switch flipped. Not long after he hit 23 months he came out with a full sentence one morning out the blue (made me cry as I’d been so worried about his speech delay!) and then there was no stopping him! He copies everything now. Literally yesterday I freed his toy train which had got its wheels caught in the rug and gave it back to him. Unprompted, he said “dank yooo mama”. It goes to show instilling it from an early age works - even if he’s not saying it he’ll take it in and say it when he’s ready.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I'm with your sister-in-law here. I had too many children visiting my house when my children were small who had no inclination to say please and thank you and I found them a complete pain in the arse.

I have never asked my toddler to say please or thank you. She is now doing it herself. Modelling is all you need for a NT child.

That's because they've been raised to be ungrateful little buggers.

You don't need to train a child to parrot "please" and "thank you". You only need to show love and gratitude to each other at home and model polite behaviour. Children will pick it up naturally.

My 2 and a half year old says "can I have more raspberries please" and "oh thank you mummy that's so kind". It's very sweet. I've not taught him to say this, this is how we speak to each other and he has picked up on it. He'll say "oh I'm sorry I didn't mean it" and "are you ok?" if he accidentally bumps into you.

If you keep modelling 'apple please' he'll say it eventually.

I'm with your SIL on this.