To not make 22 month old say please and thank you

[Sleepygrumpyandnothappy]

Obviously I encourage it sometimes, but generally I’m not fussed about ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.

DS (not yet 2) is a late talker and not really stringing two words together. If he’s persistently asking for more I’ll encourage him to say please, and I always model “thank you” but otherwise it’s not something we prioritise. I was very aware seeing SIL at the weekend that their two year old is told to say please and thank you all the time. Eg “would you like an apple or banana”, “banana”, “say ‘banana please’”. I find it quite jarring as it’s used far more than normal adult speech would require/expect.

Are we bringing DS up to be a rude little horror?

I'll be honest I haven't RTWT but I had a late talker. I was advised to avoid please because it can become a reliant word used instead of other words, ie. instead of drink, it will be point and please, a pull on the hand and please instead of learning to make sentences and articulating. Manners are important but this is a learning phase and please/thank you can wait.

I think it's important to teach them early. In our nursery, they actually teach them to sign please and thanks before they can speak as little babies. Polite children are liked and liked children are favoured by teachers, care givers, other adults and children. It's in your child's best interests. Plus it's basic respect for those around you, acknowledging that you aren't the centre of the universe and appreciating when people do something for you.

Modelling please and thank you is fine I think we can overthink politeness sometimes, your sil isn't wrong but neither are you.

So do I but please and thank you isn’t hard . Used right from the start , when would you introduce them otherwise?
I agree with a poster above , saying can I have a banana please isn’t more than you’d expect from an adult. Manners are important .

This all sounds a bit intense for the home if I’m honest. I was too wrapped up wrangling small children to come up with that kind of thing every time!
I have one with learning difficulties who can manage please and thank you just fine. And another who was very speech delayed who now public speaks as part of her job. We used please and thank you from the start, not insisting nor withholding until they said it. Also I like to think my husband and I are polite ourselves. Both are polite and charming. Important to start early I think .

But no one is saying you should force it upon any child, but should use please and thank you almost automatically with your children. And how do you decide at what age they are developmentally ready ? Use the words pretty much from the start and it will come .
And I am speaking as a mum to a now adult with moderate/ severe learning difficulties who is also very polite.

Lots of very interesting posts and I’ve particularly valued those from posters with a background in SLT or experience with speech delays. A lot concurs with what I’d previously read and yes we have absolutely emphasised extending “banana” into a “yellow banana” or “big banana” over “banana please”.

I don't think your DS is remotely delayed, just saying individual words rather than stringing them together. My DS was the same; at 22 months, the nearest thing he got to a sentence was boy bike cat meaning look at that boy on a bike carrying a cat. By his second birthday, he was talking in sentences.

Have to say I agree with you! Grinds my gears too. Especially if a child is already their gratitude by their enthusiasm. 'Say ta' 'say thank you' 'what's the magic word', far from being good manners on behalf of the parents, just takes the shine off things and makes the giver feel awkward.

Manners should be taught as early as possible, my kids are now 4 and 5 and are very well mannered and have been since 3. People always comment how well behaved and respectful/well mannered they are. Thats because i have been teaching them since before they could talk themselves.

also yes my son is speech delayed due to autism, didn't start talking till he was nearly 5 and yet he is now very well mannered even though he struggles with some words

My son wasn't the fastest out of the blocks with speech, and was probably at a similar level speech-wise to yours. We didn't force the issue with him but we modelled it a lot in our own speech. He's now 2.5, speaking lots, and is almost excessively polite - we get unprompted thanks for absolutely everything at the moment.

I disagree, modelling is how children learn and they are never too young.

I can assure you it’s fine not to be focusing on please and thank you at one year old when a child has a speech delay. I instead followed the advice of speech therapist to focus on other areas first. DS is now 3 and says them both.

Manners, consideration, sharing, the ability to take turns is how they make friends in the early years. That’s why it’s important. If your DC can’t so this and is behind in his speech then they’ll really struggle at school.

Sharing and taking turns is different from saying please and thank you and speech delay issues. Also, op’s child is only 1 and has a couple of years before school. So no need to start stressing about that yet.

@Yalta well thankfully my late mother taught me to use manners as I am teaching mine. As she always said " they are a light load to carry and make life easier. I feel sorry for people who find basic manners a heavy load, it sounds like a very angry place to be. 💐

I’m actually with you, you model good manners but you don’t need to make them say it when they won’t even understand it. Completely pointless.

I work in Early Years and we aren’t allowed to withhold food for example until they say please or thank you.

This. Modeling Is part of how children develop and learn it's never to early to start.

I work with kids. The training I've had on supporting children with delayed speech or communication difficulties is that the most important thing is that they communicate their needs. Do not bother with please and thank you until they have a better grasp of communicating their needs. One trainer on a Makaton course went off on a bit of a rant when someone asked the signs for please and thank you. I absolutely would push manners for children with normal development but you tailor care to a child's needs and for your child right now manners are not a primary need

Out of interest @PurpleBugz would you say a 22 month old with about 20 words and no sentences does have delayed speech? I’ve always thought DS was on the slower side of normal tbh.

He is 22mo, time to start referring to him as a 2yo… almost 2y / just turned 2 / 2 and a half / …

Re your original Q, I would repeat what he says by adding please:
Him « Banana »
You « May I have a banana, please? » (while giving it to him) « of course you may » « thank you mummy » (when it is in his hand)
No pressure on him to say the words but he will learn by listening. And don’t try to simplify what you say or use baby talk, speak as you would with an adult, no point in children learning dumbed-up versions of words and then having to learn the normal version again.

I think as he’s speech delayed just make sure you mirror it back to him each time. My son is severely autistic, he’s 25. He’s mostly non verbal but does know a large amount of labels/nouns. Even with his very limited understanding he adds please to everything he asks for and always says thank you when given something. It’s definitely a rote response but he knows to use it.

This isn't really to do with saying please and thank you. Some kids elbow in and think they can have everything they want just because they have said please!

He is 22mo, time to start referring to him as a 2yo… almost 2y / just turned 2 / 2 and a half / …

Why not be precise? And save extra typing! It is hugely relevant when it comes to speech development at this particular age.

That's what I would have said. I think if they are not saying 50 individual words by the time they are 2, it counts as speech delay. He still has 2 month to go to reach this, and, speechwise, things can change very rapidly at this age.

It is important to teach good manners to kids, and it can't start too early in my opinion, although for a two year old, I think it's more about modelling behaviour than insisting on it. Insisting on it, I think, can come once their speech is a bit better.

It's quite shocking to realise how many children clearly aren't talk to say please or thank you. I'm a cub leader, and when handing out badges at the end of the evening, I've noticed that only about 5 or 6 out of 30 kids said thank you when I hand them the badge. They all know how to, of course, but very few do automatically. Or they'll say 'pass me the scissors', and you can bet I will be reminding them to say please at that point!

I'm sure that most parents believe their children are polite, but many would be shocked at their kids lack of manners when away from their parents.