To not make 22 month old say please and thank you

[Sleepygrumpyandnothappy]

Obviously I encourage it sometimes, but generally I’m not fussed about ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.

DS (not yet 2) is a late talker and not really stringing two words together. If he’s persistently asking for more I’ll encourage him to say please, and I always model “thank you” but otherwise it’s not something we prioritise. I was very aware seeing SIL at the weekend that their two year old is told to say please and thank you all the time. Eg “would you like an apple or banana”, “banana”, “say ‘banana please’”. I find it quite jarring as it’s used far more than normal adult speech would require/expect.

Are we bringing DS up to be a rude little horror?

But OP isn't saying manners aren't important later on. She's just questioning whether you should force a speech delayed child to say please and thank you. Actually not even her- her sister in law so an adult the child doesn't know as well.

Multiple professionals who specialise in speech or SEN have said this could actually have a detrimental affect on the aquisition of speech.

No one is saying children shouldn't say please and thank you when it's developmentally appropriate. And shock horror- that is at different ages for different children.

How can you find a toddler rude for not saying thank you because they literally cannot say it due to speech issues?

I would model but not pressure to repeat. I have a 3YO with selective mutism. She's very good with pleases and thank yous and I've only ever modelled and not pressured.

Manners are important, you are setting your child up to be unpopular if they are rude . I cannot imagine being given something and not saying thankyou , or pass the salt without a please .

At least your Daughter was saying “Thank you “ by signing it.

Toddlers that grab and snatch without saying ( Or signing) basic pleases and thank yous are judged as bad mannered ( The parents more so than the child, as they are meant to be teaching manners)

Really?
Toddlers are just learning to talk, maybe consider giving them a little grace?..

I think the best way to teach kids manners is by having them yourself. I you are saying please and thank you to your son, he will follow along. It is always nice to encourage saying the word sometimes but it doesn't have to be all the time.

Loathe kids and adults with no manners

Definitely this!
It’s the other parents who do the invites for play and tea, and if a child comes across as “Rude” they won’t be as popular.

@Itsacruelsummer

Well given that my son with ASD had speech regression and yet maintained his please and thank yous throughout, I'd say it's down to individual cases. Not a blanket ban on encouraging speech delayed kids to use manners.

We always insisted, Dd is now automatically says please and thank you.

Please and thank you is just polite, it’s not being a performing monkey. It’s teaching your kid the basics of how to function in society. We eat out a lot and my 4yr old orders her own food and I do expect her to say please when she places her order and thank you when she receives it. In the same way I would. I don’t consider myself to be a performing monkey for doing so.

As the parent of an SEN speech delayed toddler I find this deeply offensive.

How do you know that the parents haven't modelled please and thankyou in signing to them? Maybe they've done it multiple times.

What do you suggest- that they keep their two year olds away from polite society in case somebody judges their parents for having a child with speech delay? Because apparently having a special need is 'bad manners'.

What about modelling a bit of compassion and inclusivity?

Another vote for this. Insisting a child who is too young to even have a full vocabulary says please or thank you is unnecessarily strict. Mine turned into very polite kids and are very polite teens now .

Yes like I said. All children are different. Lots of ASD children are great at parroting or mirroring language. Other children have other needs.

In the example you used if someone said to me "would you like an apple or banana?" I wouldn't just say "banana" I'd always say "A banana please" so I don't think your SIL is unreasonable to ask him to say it, I do the same with my kids.

If children are ill mannered it is one of THE things that is noticed and commented on, not in a positive way either.

I can’t stand arbitrary rules about things like this. You can say please and thank you and still be rude about it, and you can never use those words and still be well mannered. It’s up there with my dislike to the enforced use of the word ‘sorry’. Our use of language and communication is a lot more nuanced than ensuring we use certain ‘magic’ words

No but I'd expect them to model it every single time. My 4yo has been going through a (fairly long) phase of being quite rude in the way she asks for things, "get me a drink" and no matter how many times I remind her she will still always start out by asking like that. But that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up on teaching her, I remind her and model every single time and eventually she'll get it.

@Itsacruelsummer
My son doesn't parrot or repeat language thanks.

😳 maybe my children have speech delay, I didn't think so but my youngest (16 months) is a long way off saying please or thank you - she doesn't reliably say anything other than 'moah!'
And my son couldn't talk at all until 2.

But bloody hell, what's next - I gave my 3 month old niece a bottle and she just burped and went to sleep, no thank you, no smile, nothing - AIBU to tell my sister she needs to teach her baby some manners?

There's so, so much more to manners and good social interaction than please and thank you. I model them, I think they should be used and my son and daughter learned them and use them. But there's no reason whatsoever to be getting uptight about it before they're even 2!

Teaching them manners at an early age will work wonders. We have instilled this in our son for as long as he's been speaking and he is very polite, we're always complimented on how well mannered he is.

I too don't like the word 'ta' but we've never used this and have always used the correct words.

I'm the same as your SIL- always reminded/encouraged mine about please and thank you because manners are important. My son was a late talker and manners seemed even more important- he would get easily frustrated and screech a lot. I felt if I could model good manners on him other people would see that despite his difficulties (the late talking was a symptom of his SEN) that he is a lovely very likeable boy. It’s paid off. He’s by no means perfect all of the time but people comment on his lovely nature and manners often. It’s not just please and thank you now btw, that’s just what we started with.

But you can say “apple please”. DS can’t. He can recently say “apple”. He can say please if asked to. But he can’t say “apple please”, just as he can’t say “more apple” or “yummy apple”.

If kids don’t use basic manners, it’s only them that will lose out socially.

Like it or not people are judged on basic manners like “please and Thanks “

Our Deaf Aunties and Uncles signed it.

Signing is absolutely acceptable.

If my toddler asks for something, like “an apple” I’ll say “apple please mumma” straight after. He repeats after me but I don’t force him to. Same with thank yous. I hand him something (he says nothing), I say “thank you mumma” and again he repeats it. I’ve never enforced him repeating it but he always does. It’s done cheerfully, if that makes sense, he’s not being told off.