Expecting 73 year old mother to travel to visit us?

[Frazzledmum77]

My 73 year old mum has been giving out signals for a few years now that she doesn’t want to make the train journey to see us (about 4 hours including tube across London). Today I invited her to come for a few days next week and she said sorry no, she really doesn’t like the travelling and could I please come to her instead? I gently explained no, the kids need me here. She had 3 kids herself so I’m really surprised she even suggested it tbh, it’s not something she would ever have done in my position, except in emergencies. I’m the primary caregiver and I can’t just swan off to stay with my mother in the middle of the week! I get that she has some form of travel anxiety and I know this is common. But she still manages to take flights to see family overseas, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. Part of it is definitely that she’s not so keen on DH and sadly also seems to have little time for my kids, she seems much happier when she’s just with me, and she can talk at me for hours about whatever she likes. Im feeling a bit bruised, this isn’t the first time this issue has come up, but it’s the first time it’s been a definite “no”. We’ll see a lot less of her if she’s not prepared to travel, her house is tiny and we can’t stay with her as a family. Not sure whether to fight this or just accept it?

My comments was, don't ignore it as you said it wasn't a concern just yet and none of us know....but now I'm not sure what your point is by saying others have died ...doesn't that bring it closer not further away or is it not wanting to think about it?
So you're not happy she moved away then? Is that why you feel like you do now, like an I told you so? What I mean is are there underlying reasons why you're not going to see her other than what you stated?

I totally get it OP.

I am an only DC and DPs are properly elderly DM is 85 and DF 90.
I do what I can and thankfully they only live an hour away so I can visit fairly frequently ( won't say how often as I'm sure it won't be acceptable to the remember they are your DPs and haven't much time left brigade). DH sometimes says how would I feel if they passed away tomorrow, well to be fair I've done a lot more for them than he did for his DPs, so actually I wouldn't feel guilty.

But you have three young DCs and are the main carer. Of course you can't drop everything to toddle off on a regular basis, and yes I would find it hurtful that she doesn't accept you are a family unit.

I'd try again with the taxi to the train station combo- see if you can get a company that specialises in ferrying older people. I know we took some ubers abroad and some of the drivers were pretty terrifying, I just shut my eyes. If that's not a goer, just keep stressing that you will all come up three times a year, maybe try and squeeze in one annual solo visit.

It's a bugger, isn't it. My Mum is 91 and left work long before email etc were standard. She is a very anxious person and terrified of technology until she gets used to it and it becomes normalised - no problem with the cooker, washing machine, TV and other things she has to use day in, day out, but not keen to learn to use anything new.

My Dad did have to get to grips with computers at work and I think enjoyed the challenge, in the last few years before he retired. After that he had a home computer which he used a lot for emails related to various voluntary activities, some online purchases and internet banking. He never had a smartphone, which I think is a shame, as he would have got to grips with it and found it useful, and would probably have been able to get my Mum to use one too. Sadly we never thought to press him on this. He wasn't keen to have a mobile at all but I think a lot of that was because he'd not really grasped quite how useful all the non-phone applications can be. Odd, as many of their friends did get them.

Dad died last year so now Mum has to manage on her own. She can scarcely use a mobile phone, utterly refuses to use the desktop PC and uses an ipad purely to do Wordle and occasionally google a few things. WhatsApp would be such a useful way to keep in touch and send on photos etc but it's no go. Thank goodness for the landline!

you're not happy she moved away then? Is that why you feel like you do now, like an I told you so? What I mean is are there underlying reasons why you're not going to see her other than what you stated?

OP is making the point that her DM moved away from her own parents (OP’s DGPs) to another country, I think.

So any guilt tripping from DM about daughters living far away for work/family is hypocrisy.

What I mean is are there underlying reasons why you're not going to see her other than what you stated?

why does there have to be underlying reasons?

OP is planning to maintain her 3 x per year visits, just not replace the 3x visits from DM by going up 6x per year.

I think 3x per year for a parent who lives at that distance, who is difficult company, stresses about the grandchildren breaking things and doesn’t like her SIL is more than reaosnable!

As my parents have got older I have gone up to visit more often. My own children had grown up and I reduced to part-time for the last few years I was working, so it was doable. Now my Dad has died I am going a lot more often because I want to and I think my Mum needs the company and support. I do, however, frequently remember that it was their decision to move to a Scottish island when they retired, 400 miles and a complicated journey from us, instead of 200 miles and really easy journey, as they were before. They knew they would see less of us as a result and they went ahead anyway. I'm OK with this. We lived a long way from my grandparents or extended family for most of my childhood. Very different from many on MN, I think.

I’m about to pick my 78 yr old MIL up from the station after a three hour journey, including one change. My mum is 75, and drives 100s of miles to visit friends. However, neither of them dearly love the Tube (escalators with luggage seem to be a major concern). Could you meet her in London and do the last bit of the journey with her?

My journey was a bit like that, couple of days after the last strikes, train cancelled so my reservation disappeared. I thought it would ease at Reading as normally a lot seem to leave there but hardly anyone got off and no one from my carriage. It was horrendous but at least I was only going to Exeter so more like 3 hours.

Lots of us over 70s don't seem to like the tube.

I don't think you should feel guilty but I also don't think you should expect her to make the journey. It is the same distance both ways.

And OP is making that journey the other way, 3x per year.

I'm not surprised. Having to negotiate massive crowds, escalators, juggling luggage etc. What if the lifts or escalators are broken. What if there's nowhere to sit on the train or it's cancelled. All very well and fine when you're 50 but it's a disaster when you're 70 plus. Even a minor fall at that age can have very severe consequences. You are also generally slower at that age both mentally and physically. Your coping mechanisms are depleted and you feel very vulnerable.

I am in no way saying the tube is fun, but if you take it midday on a Tuesday, or whatever, there are unlikely to be massive crowds.

One way around the luggage would be DM storing a case of spare clothes and wash bag at OP’s, if DM wanted to look for answers.

Again, I think it is fair enough if DM doesn’t want to do the journey any more - but that doesn’t mean DM gets OP to do more than she can.

She’s not 73 and she’s not doing it on public transport. Maybe she should go by train some time so she can see for herself what it’s like.

Or maybe she’s entirely fine with seeing her mum 3 times a year.

And OP has also said that she would prefer to make the journey by train.,. But i imagine as she has childcare and career (?) responsibilities, she cannot go mid week on her own, as her mum wants, and it would be expensive to take the whole family on the train.

So suggesting Op tries the train journey doesn’t really solve anything.

Could she afford to get a taxi or uber to replace the tube part of the journey? Could you store some clothes, toiletries, etc at your house so she only needs to bring a small bag, not a suitcase?

If you think you will know when 'that time is' trust me, from bitter experience you may not. My parent dropped dead unexpectedly, no ill health, no warning. Waved goodbye after I visited and the next day gone. You don't always have a warning.

OP has already stated that she knows this, owing to her father’s death, and has asked posters not to guilt her about it.

A different possibility is that OP’s mum lives another 15 years but OP misses out on career opportunities and times with her kids because she’s up and down the motorway every other week or whatever. It’s a balance.

I wasn't 'guilting' her. I was stating fact. Make decisions based on all the facts. You'll see my original comment made no judgement and said whatever decision she makes. Her 'guilt' is her emotion, not mine or one that I suggested.

If you say so.

Seems I've touched a nerve!

If you say so <shrug>

Could you both compromise by her getting the train then you picking her up from the station, no tubes involved, or you do the tube part of the journey with her?

I'm 72, DH is 78 this year. I do travel long distances by train and public transport but make sure I don't have much with me as I find dragging luggage around is a bit exhausting. DH doesn't go anywhere unless he can drive.

My DM used to drive from Henley to London or across London to Kent to visit me or my sister in her 80's, the second journey was pretty busy (the M25) and she did occasionally go the wrong way! However she drove until she was in her late 80's though by that time I used go to to pick her up as I was no longer working.
73 is really no age at all and your DM does sound a bit unreasonable.