To not ‘correct’ DD over this?

[CoralQueef]

Not sure whether I’m being unreasonable here or not. It’s causing a massive issue in the family and I’m starting to doubt my sanity.

Context - my mother married a man with an ‘adoptive’ daughter (not officially adopted but he has been her ‘dad’ since she was 1 so that’s that) and she has two children with a man who is in prison more than not (chose to have the second with him whilst he was absconding to make sure the kids had the same dad…). He is in prison 8-10 times a year, and has little to do with his children but sees them if he is out and his mum has them at hers. Doesn’t make an effort to see them off his own back.

I don’t see her kids regularly, as they live 4-5 hours away and probably see them once or twice a year.

Last weekend as it was nice weather we had a BBQ at our house, DM had the kids up so brought them with her to the BBQ - it was the first time they’ve been to our house.

Whilst here the youngest (4) was talking to my eldest daughter (6) and was asking things about the house and my daughter was answering innocently as a 6 year old would. Then DD was asked ‘why do you live with both your mummy and daddy’ to which my DD answered along the lines of ‘mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here’

This has now caused an issue because apparently DD apparently implied to the 4 year old that her mummy and daddy don’t love each other - which tbh I laughed at when confronted about as it’s so ridiculous.

My mum and her DH want me to speak to DD and correct her and ask her to not say things like that again if asked. I said I’d do a bit more around ‘all families are different’ but I’m not going to go too hard into correcting a basic statement that most kids are told when asking about birds and the bees etc.

AIBU?

Did you and the 6 yos mum grow up together?

I don't understand why you wouldn't cooperate with this completely reasonable request. They aren't asking you to burden your daughter with the gory details, they're just asking you to explain that not everyone has a nuclear family set-up, not all parents do love each other, and sometimes we need to be careful what we say in order to avoid hurting someone. Why don't you want to do this small thing to protect the feelings of a child who has already had a traumatic start in life? Doesn't your daughter already know that not all families are like hers?

No, also the 6 year old is mine

YANBU. Perhaps they should explain to the other little girl, that not all families are the same, that some parents live together blah blah blah

I already said I would do more on the family set up piece, but I’m not going to tell her she is wrong.

Oops sorry, but also don't think you should correct her. ‘mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here’
That's factual isn't it. You do all live together, and yes most (if not all) babies are conceived out of love?

Well, it's the other child not comprehending that not all families are like hers to behin with. I don't see anyone running to suggest the other set of parents confront the state of affairs with their daughter.

Yes exactly, she understands other family setups exist but when asked she was referring to her family and why we live together as that was the question she was asked.

mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here

That's a strange thing for a 6 year old to say.

I said ‘along the lines of’ I didn’t hear the full conversation, that is what the 4yo reported was said

No it isn't.

I don't really understand what they want you to say to her tbh.

I'd advise them to talk to the four year old about different family setups too.

@FluentRubyDog it is

That was my question to them as well, I’m not sure what they want me to actively do that could prevent this happening in future.

She was asked why she lives at home with her mummy and daddy. So answered in that vein.

She knows about different families she has a wide mix at school of family set ups, but as she is 6 didn’t think to mention alternatives when asked a question about her set up.

I’d be working on different family set ups with your DD, not all children have a mum and dad, some have same sex parents and some don’t live with their parents at all. While the child was asking about your DDs living arrangements there’s an implied “if you don’t live with your mum and dad it’s because they don’t love you” which isn’t what she would be trying to imply (because she’s 6) but could make it tricky for kids who don’t have a nuclear family set up.

I don’t think so necessarily.

My son has 2 mums (on his birth certificate) who are bringing him up, plus his dad who is a known sperm donor who doesn’t live with us.

I don’t think he would have been upset at this comment- he would just say something about not all families being like that and ramble on about our family.

Surely both girls just need a short ‘remember all families are different and that’s fine’ talk?

I’d say the issue here is primarily that no one has explained her own family set up to the 4 year old.

This isn't your 6 year old problem to fix. The 4 year old presumably will be starting school soon and will come across plenty of children with 2 parents living at home full time. I wouldt give it any more thought apart from to tell mum if she doesn't like it mot to bother visiting.

She understands different family set ups and I have said I’ll do more on it, but I’m still not sure how to avoid it happening again without telling DD she has to cover all bases when answering in future.

It’s a hard concept imo to teach at 6, and even harder without telling her the reason why it’s hard for the 4yo as well (she knows a bit but not much about why their daddy isn’t around)

I actually think someone needs to talk to the four year old about different family set ups - she’s four, she only knows what she knows, but actually it sounds like she’s the one thinking your daughter’s family set up is weird. And maybe she also needs some help understanding her own family structure and where her Dad is - I’d wonder why she asked the question in the first place.

Bottom line is children need to know that there’s a whole range of different family types and that the important thing is that the children in the family are loved and cared for - if your daughter does know that then you are fine.

It's sounds more that the 4 year old needs explaining why their mum & dad don't live together, rather than the 6 year old.

The 6 year old was asked why she lives with her mum and dad - and she answered because they love each other.

The implication - probably more to the adults - is that parents that don't live together because they don't love each other.

So what actually needs explaining is other reasons why parents aren't living together, aside from not loving each other - e.g. they work away, they own separate houses.

But your 6 year old would be right in saying (as far as I can tell) the reason YOU live together is you love each other.

It really isn't. It's facts for that 6yo.

Hit the nail on the head, the 4yo is very ‘sheltered’ from the situation, I use ‘’ as its not that she is being protected but the area they live all the mums friends are single parents etc. so for her the one parent set up is the norm. So she has never really been exposed to traditional family dynamics in her 4 years

Yes it’s exactly that, she lives in a very deprived area and her norm is a one parent household, with an absent father. All her mums friends are single parents, only one dad came to their Nurserys Father’s Day event last year - for her that’s the norm which is why she was asking.

Exactly, to be pedantic, their DD doesn't understand other family setups so she needs to be informed about other setups? Why is it just the 6yo who's in the wrong?

I don't think it's odd. The 6 year old was asked why her parents live together with her. That was her answer. She was trying to explain to the 4 year old why they were together. It makes perfect sense to me.