To not ‘correct’ DD over this?

[CoralQueef]

Not sure whether I’m being unreasonable here or not. It’s causing a massive issue in the family and I’m starting to doubt my sanity.

Context - my mother married a man with an ‘adoptive’ daughter (not officially adopted but he has been her ‘dad’ since she was 1 so that’s that) and she has two children with a man who is in prison more than not (chose to have the second with him whilst he was absconding to make sure the kids had the same dad…). He is in prison 8-10 times a year, and has little to do with his children but sees them if he is out and his mum has them at hers. Doesn’t make an effort to see them off his own back.

I don’t see her kids regularly, as they live 4-5 hours away and probably see them once or twice a year.

Last weekend as it was nice weather we had a BBQ at our house, DM had the kids up so brought them with her to the BBQ - it was the first time they’ve been to our house.

Whilst here the youngest (4) was talking to my eldest daughter (6) and was asking things about the house and my daughter was answering innocently as a 6 year old would. Then DD was asked ‘why do you live with both your mummy and daddy’ to which my DD answered along the lines of ‘mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here’

This has now caused an issue because apparently DD apparently implied to the 4 year old that her mummy and daddy don’t love each other - which tbh I laughed at when confronted about as it’s so ridiculous.

My mum and her DH want me to speak to DD and correct her and ask her to not say things like that again if asked. I said I’d do a bit more around ‘all families are different’ but I’m not going to go too hard into correcting a basic statement that most kids are told when asking about birds and the bees etc.

AIBU?

Agree

And all children do have daddies, it wouldnt be right to say to her that some children dont have daddies. Their daddies might not be around but they definitely have one somewhere!

Agreed, all families are different but in this case that’s this little girls lived experience - Mummy and daddy love each other and they all live together. It’s really quite simple 🙄

6 year olds can't follow scripts. I have a six year old and if someone asks them something, they give their truth, that being their interpretation of a situation. I don't know what my 6 year old would say but probably nothing as articulate as yours did. Mine would probably think their dad in prison is a baddie!

That's absolutely normal.

The poor 4 year old needs more support from their mum and grandparents to understand their situation. This type of thing is what happens with silly people make silly decisions (being kind here). The 4 year old will have lots of challenges in life as they're being raised in a problematic family. Hopefully mum can turn it around for them but that's on her, not you.

Just don’t have them round again, if your nuclear family triggers them so.

Life shouldn’t be this hard. It’s up to them to explain their setup to their own child (or the DM, if the DF is currently elsewhere occupied, again)

Quite, she understands the concept of different families, but not really the concept of adapting answers based on other people’s experiences

But she hasn't said that to a six and four year old. This is an anonymous internet forum aimed at adult women. We all know that criminality isn't a good lifestyle, so why shouldn't she judge him?

The six year old just described her family set up, she didn't disparage any other types.

This is definitely what I would categorise as an "adult problem". I very much doubt all this upset is coming from a 4yo.

I would just let it lie and not say anything to your DD. If your mum or someone else brings it up again, suggest they educate the 4yo in what other family units look like.

The mothers poor choices in life are her responsibility, and it's not appropriate for others to change a very normal response to such questions to try and help gloss over the fact she's, unfortunately, a bit of a fuck up.

Which is entirely age appropriate for a 6 year old.

Quite, she understands the concept of different families, but not really the concept of adapting answers based on other people’s experiences

Well yes-she's a kid!

Let her be one I say.

Plenty of time to have to think about what she can't say in front of certain folks.

Honestly at 6 if a dad wasn't there when I visited I'd probably just think that they were at work!

I see nothing wrong with her answer. It's true, you and your husband live together because you love each other. She didn't say that the other girls parents don't love each other.

Being in a broken home from a psychological perspective of the child isn't a good thing, I'm not sure why we all have to pretend that it's good to grow up and have children with people and then split up. Of course we don't have to go around telling people it's bad but again, your daughter's answer was perfect as it's the truth!

Careful now, you'll inflame the posters calling the 6 yo 'snobbish and condescending' 🤫

😆

In my head I heard it in the voice of one of the Railway Children (Jenny Agutter?) 🤣

Honestly @CoralQueef I was initially thinking your DM was off on one with the expectations of your SIX year old, but some of these posters! 😮
You're v reasonable in your responses!

Or Just Williams Violet Elizabeth !

In all seriousness, though, there will be times when you have to chat to your children about different families. When mine were reception/yr 2 (5 and 7) we had an odd conversation in the car over the fact that Billy wanted to marry his best friend Danny. Am focusing on the windy roads from a village school (we failed to get into our oversubscribed local one) whilst DD is telling DS that Billy is silly.

Had to have the chat: ‘well, not really. When people get married it’s about chosing to be with your very best friend, the person who makes you feel safe and loved and can help you be the best person you can be. And for some people that person might be the same sex. It makes having children a bit tricky as you need a man and a woman to make a baby, but sometimes people adopt a baby who needs a loving home. So, everyone’s different and families can be different to ours.’ It was a casual convo, regarding a complicated subject, with very young children eating yoyo fruit strips… glad I had it as DD is now 19 and a lesbian, so grew up knowing we were fine with it, even though I was well outside my comfort zone at the time.

Mum of 4yo in OPs post is just going to have the ‘sometimes grown ups do silly things and that means they can’t live at home with their children, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love them’ convo herself. It may not be comfortable, but parenting often isn’t, is it?

What did they want your kid to say 'because my dad's not in prison'?
Clearly not. I don't see how anyone could answer 'why do you live together,' without mentioning it's because you love or like eachother.
I think the general, all families are different and not everyone has a mum and a dad, some parents live apart etc. is absolutely fine.

It was an innocent comment. My dd would likely say similar in that situation I guess

Thank you, I was really starting to doubt myself with some of these replies, she is my eldest so I don’t know whether it’s something she should have mastered a while ago etc.

"Im leaning towards the 4yo not being bothered by it at all and it being an issue with the adults"

Totally this, OP.
It was an innocent question from the 4yr old from her life experience, answered innocently by your 6yr old from hers. Happens all the time, nothing to make a fuss over.
Perhaps the 4yr kid's mother is sensitive about the differences between your home set up and hers and that's what provoked the complaint?
Your daughter's answer is lovely.

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/child-at-7-milestones

I don't blame you and well done to you, why should you teach your child to lie. She's done absolutely nothing wrong, it's not her fault the mother of the other child chose to have kids with such a lowlife. Please stick to your perfect decision to not "correct" her about it, because it's a lie! 👏👏👏❤️ Shame on your family!

Whats wrong with judgement?

Why are people so scared of making a judgement on a situation?

Seriously 4 yr olds and 6 year olds have these "conversations"???? Because generally however people grow up, it's normal for them. I'd call out a lot of adults with issues projecting.

Why does your daughters experience of her own family life need corrected?

I feel the other mum has been triggered and rather than dealing with that, she wants to fix your daughters ideas of her life. A grown women getting huffy with a child because that's all that really is. Yes, it is important to teach our children about different families. BUT it's also important to accept the child's normality.

Also, you would be basically telling your child you lied about you and your partner having your children because you love each other and that it's ok to lie!