To not ‘correct’ DD over this?

[CoralQueef]

Not sure whether I’m being unreasonable here or not. It’s causing a massive issue in the family and I’m starting to doubt my sanity.

Context - my mother married a man with an ‘adoptive’ daughter (not officially adopted but he has been her ‘dad’ since she was 1 so that’s that) and she has two children with a man who is in prison more than not (chose to have the second with him whilst he was absconding to make sure the kids had the same dad…). He is in prison 8-10 times a year, and has little to do with his children but sees them if he is out and his mum has them at hers. Doesn’t make an effort to see them off his own back.

I don’t see her kids regularly, as they live 4-5 hours away and probably see them once or twice a year.

Last weekend as it was nice weather we had a BBQ at our house, DM had the kids up so brought them with her to the BBQ - it was the first time they’ve been to our house.

Whilst here the youngest (4) was talking to my eldest daughter (6) and was asking things about the house and my daughter was answering innocently as a 6 year old would. Then DD was asked ‘why do you live with both your mummy and daddy’ to which my DD answered along the lines of ‘mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here’

This has now caused an issue because apparently DD apparently implied to the 4 year old that her mummy and daddy don’t love each other - which tbh I laughed at when confronted about as it’s so ridiculous.

My mum and her DH want me to speak to DD and correct her and ask her to not say things like that again if asked. I said I’d do a bit more around ‘all families are different’ but I’m not going to go too hard into correcting a basic statement that most kids are told when asking about birds and the bees etc.

AIBU?

Definitely not you or your 6 year old daughter to explain different family situations down to your mother / her partner/ his daughter they are being ridiculous

To be honest, I think it’s relevant. If dad was in the army or they were simply a divorced/separated couple then the nature of their family set up would have been explained to the child. That the dad is regularly in prison and not that much engaged in his children when out of prison is pertinent to the fact the child’s mum has not made up a narrative for her child as to why they may not be like the other families at nursery or, when she gets there, school.

The mother chose this man to father her children, made an informed decision to do so, but now thinks that it is everyone else’s responsibility to protect her child from the truth about her father. Deeply tragic for that poor child, but the onus to manage this is on mum. Not OP.

With a 6 year old??? Really???? Good luck if you have a 6 year old

It's not that strange really is it? It's a standard answer for a SIX YEAR OLD!!!

YANBU - thats as sensitive an answer as you're going to get out of a six year old faced with a question that to her, makes no bloody sense at all.

They should be bloody grateful it didn't go like this:

4: Why do you live with both your Mummy and Daddy?'

6: Because my Daddy isn't away.

4: Why isn't your Daddy away?

6: Because he hasn't done bad things.

(Which I actually heard not all that long back, though I think both were six in that one).

Could you explain why you think so?

YANBU

How the heck else is a 6 year old supposed to reply?

'I live with my mummy and daddy because it's more financially comfortable for our situation'?

I think some of the response are wild. Whilst, it can be helpful to teach children that families come in different form, the OP has alluded to a set of circumstances that I would categorise as adult conversations. The issue here is that dad is in and out of prison - how do you explain that to 4 and 6 year old.

For me the failing here is having a clear explanation for the 4 YO about why she DOESN'T live with her dad. Or how different families look. And that's not your job to fix. I agree on advising DD more about different families but also helping her to understand that 4 YO might be sad if DD makes her feel her daddy doesn't live with her because he doesn't love her/her mum. Sometimes people don't live together for many reasons etc etc. It's not correcting, just helping her understand another POV.

She is 6 years old. Come on - kids say all sorts of things based on their life so far. I wouldn't say anything to her but would suggest the other mom explain to her child why families are different.

But that's typical of a 6 year old understanding. They see the world through their own eyes and their own experiences.

Taught the age range for many years and a lot of kids thought all the teachers were brothers and sisters and we all lived in school. It's just their limited understanding, not snobbish at all.

Or: my mummy and daddy subscribe to heteronormative patriarchal family values and feel compliance with the law ensures social cohesion and economic stability. How about yours?

🤣 🤣 🤣

Tis

Maybe the OP can get that printed on a t-shirt for the 6 yo 🤣

Jesus

If my 7 yo was asked this he'd look confused and say something far worse like "mummy and daddy are married and everybody lives with their parents?"

There's only one single eg divorced parent in his class and no same sex couples. He has a good friend who lost a parent so he knows life isn't perfect but we genuinely mainly know families with traditional set up.

Agree with your mother for the sake of peace and then handle it however you see fit.

This is not a hill to die on.

What peace? By the sound sof it the car crash not step sister isn't a part of OPs life.
If OPs mother wants peace she can shut up about it

This

I haven’t read all comments yet but for me this^ one hit the mail on the head.
I don’t think 6 y.o remembers this conversation much and I don’t think 4 y.o will ask next time : So tell me again why you live with mummy and daddy? It’s past stage for them .
But child’s asked a difficult question and adults involved are upset. And they’re trying to shift blame on innocent 6y.o - if it wasn’t her our family set up would look perfect.
It’s rubbish. And your mum is foolishly pandering to this idea.

What she said was a perfectly relevant answer. The "all families are different" thing isn't relevant, she was asked about her family.

Of course she thinks babies come from mummies and daddies loving each other, no one is telling a six year old about sexual encounters where people don't love each other.

The four year olds question was reasonable too. Almost all kids assume their own experience is normative, and learn over time, as they experience it, that other people's lives are different. Nothing is wrong with that natural process of growth.

This is about adults not being able to deal with the reality that one of these two kids has a shit dad and the other doesn't.

I don’t think a 6 year old would understand what she had said was wrong anyway, I think your extended family are asking a lot for you to explain it.

You're not being unreasonable.

This is how it works for the majority of people. Your daughter said when mummies and daddies love each other this is what they do.

If anything, she's reinforced to the child that her mum and dad loved each other at some point and that's why she was born.

Totally ridiculous - I agree more teaching around not every family is nuclear but she's 6 - we don't sit them down and explain this, we just address it when it comes up usually.

Totally innocent comment for a child to make.

Based on the whole backstory I think hearing that mummies and daddies have babies when they love each other is the least of their problems.

Having kids with a deadbeat criminal just so they can have the same father is the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a long time.

What is strange about it? It’s a perfect answer if your young child asks where babies come from.

Now I'm dead! LOL!

Comment of the day award!🏅🏆