To not ‘correct’ DD over this?

[CoralQueef]

Not sure whether I’m being unreasonable here or not. It’s causing a massive issue in the family and I’m starting to doubt my sanity.

Context - my mother married a man with an ‘adoptive’ daughter (not officially adopted but he has been her ‘dad’ since she was 1 so that’s that) and she has two children with a man who is in prison more than not (chose to have the second with him whilst he was absconding to make sure the kids had the same dad…). He is in prison 8-10 times a year, and has little to do with his children but sees them if he is out and his mum has them at hers. Doesn’t make an effort to see them off his own back.

I don’t see her kids regularly, as they live 4-5 hours away and probably see them once or twice a year.

Last weekend as it was nice weather we had a BBQ at our house, DM had the kids up so brought them with her to the BBQ - it was the first time they’ve been to our house.

Whilst here the youngest (4) was talking to my eldest daughter (6) and was asking things about the house and my daughter was answering innocently as a 6 year old would. Then DD was asked ‘why do you live with both your mummy and daddy’ to which my DD answered along the lines of ‘mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here’

This has now caused an issue because apparently DD apparently implied to the 4 year old that her mummy and daddy don’t love each other - which tbh I laughed at when confronted about as it’s so ridiculous.

My mum and her DH want me to speak to DD and correct her and ask her to not say things like that again if asked. I said I’d do a bit more around ‘all families are different’ but I’m not going to go too hard into correcting a basic statement that most kids are told when asking about birds and the bees etc.

AIBU?

OP, do/say nothing to your DD.

To be fair if someone asked me why my parents had me and live together I’d say it’s because they love each other?!

What other reasons are there for a mummy and daddy to live together? It would’ve been weirder if she had said “out of circumstances because my mum took a part time job and now can’t afford a mortgage on her own so they live together civilly under one roof until I move out and mum can move into a studio flat”.

I literally cannot think of another reason a kid would say their parents live together. There’s plenty of people who love each other and live apart, but most parents living together do so because they are in love (or were at some point).

That’s what the 4 yo reported that DD said, I overheard bits of their chat but wasn’t listening in super intently as I was busy trying to ram as many sausage rolls into my mouth before having to share the tray

Ah so the kids do see each other a fair bit, they’re at my mums for at least one weekend a month, and most of the summer holidays together. I don’t see them much myself but the kids do see each other fairly often.

The 4yo has only recently started noticing differences in family situations though so I’m hoping it might be a phase of sorts and she will satisfy that curiosity and move onto something else soon.

as I had an equally awkward chat last weekend with her, as she had never seen wedding rings before (as DM doesn’t wear one) and was asking about mine

Yanbu. Your little girl is 6. She says what she sees. Its not her fault the other child's father is a jailbird. It's her parents job to explain the situation to her,, not your DD.
Tell them.to get a grip and get their own house in order

I'd maybe advise my DD to not bring up the topic of this child's dad as it's a difficult subject for her. I don't think you can really coach a child as young as 6 on how to answer awkward questions though. As you mention even adults struggle with this.

This request would go in one of my ears and leg it out of the other

Snobbish? A 6 yo?!?

Tell me please how exactly do you think a 6yo should've answered the question "WHY do your mummy and daddy live together?".

I’m obviously missing something in the OP but are these kids both your mum’s grandchildren? One is your daughter and one is your niece? So they are cousins?
regardless, if they spend a lot of time together it’s probably worth smoothing things over and having a light “families can look many different ways” chat

If none of the adults heard what was said then you'll literally never know. 4yos and 6yos can mishear, misinterpret and misremember anything and everything. The correct thing to do is move the f on.

Oh fuck me. Don't correct your daughter! What she said was age appropriate and it's not her job to play therapist to other kids

This. Wait until she realises that the 4YO is her aunt!!

@godmum56 The four-year-old is not her aunt. The four-year-old is OP's mom's husband's unofficially adopted daughter's daughter. So, same generation as a cousin, just not actually related.

To me it sounds exactly like the first explanation of where babies come from. Not condescending, just a line the child has been told.....again, the "and we live here, is just like "where else would we live?" puzzlement. Surely 6 years olds are old enough to understand yes that families are not all the same shape and size, but she was asked about HER family and gave a truthful and polite answer.

oh sorry i thought she was one of the two kids her mum had with the jailbird.

They are being precious.

I am just being curious.
How old are you and your Mum?

Well that will take some time since it’s not true

I’m 37 and mum is 71

so far too old for this shit but here we are!!

Her mums step daughter (well not biologically but in all other ways) had the kids with the jail bird

I feel extremely sorry for the 4 yo.

I think the adults should have empathy in this situation.

Also the pointing out not blood related. The step dad brought her up since she was 1, what difference does it make he didn't officially adopt her? He was still her Dad. My ex adopted my DC and the thought they'd be snubbed as an adult without that bit of paper is hurtful as either way it's still their Dad.

Anyway, this isn't about the 'non adopted' daughter, She clearly has her own issues which have now affected her DC. They are entirely innocent. It's not about 'why should I/we', it's about empathy and something children are never too young to learn.

And that is NOT me saying your DD said anything wrong, of course she didn't. We all however learn that we maybe should be aware others might be a bit sensitive about certain things and that's not a bad thing.

PP saying the Mum is obviously shielding the 4 yo...yes, who wouldn't, he's in prison - so how is that wrong but shielding the 6 yo by not nicely saying 4 yo can't really understand the family set up, is not? I'd say the latter is far easier to explain.

Thank you, yeah I think even if one of us heard it it’s a bit of a non event. But none of us did, we only have her little ones word for it and I’m not sure how to correct DD either way.

DM has a habit of doing this though, we’ve had lots of boyfriends kids being tiptoed around in the past.

@Notamum12345577 Thanks for clarifying - I also thought the 4 year old was the OP's mum's daughter.

It just sounds like both children need the "all families are different" talk.