To not ‘correct’ DD over this?

[CoralQueef]

Not sure whether I’m being unreasonable here or not. It’s causing a massive issue in the family and I’m starting to doubt my sanity.

Context - my mother married a man with an ‘adoptive’ daughter (not officially adopted but he has been her ‘dad’ since she was 1 so that’s that) and she has two children with a man who is in prison more than not (chose to have the second with him whilst he was absconding to make sure the kids had the same dad…). He is in prison 8-10 times a year, and has little to do with his children but sees them if he is out and his mum has them at hers. Doesn’t make an effort to see them off his own back.

I don’t see her kids regularly, as they live 4-5 hours away and probably see them once or twice a year.

Last weekend as it was nice weather we had a BBQ at our house, DM had the kids up so brought them with her to the BBQ - it was the first time they’ve been to our house.

Whilst here the youngest (4) was talking to my eldest daughter (6) and was asking things about the house and my daughter was answering innocently as a 6 year old would. Then DD was asked ‘why do you live with both your mummy and daddy’ to which my DD answered along the lines of ‘mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here’

This has now caused an issue because apparently DD apparently implied to the 4 year old that her mummy and daddy don’t love each other - which tbh I laughed at when confronted about as it’s so ridiculous.

My mum and her DH want me to speak to DD and correct her and ask her to not say things like that again if asked. I said I’d do a bit more around ‘all families are different’ but I’m not going to go too hard into correcting a basic statement that most kids are told when asking about birds and the bees etc.

AIBU?

Yeah I’m not seeing how it’s odd either

Presumably this is actually a case of "adult gets upset by child's question because it's difficult for them". I'm guessing the 4yo went home and asked something the adult found difficult to answer. The problem is with neither child but the adult who is offended by it. But to that person, it's easier to blame the reason why the question was asked rather than why it was hard for them to respond to it.

See also, people complaining about an amputee CBBC presenter because "my child asked me about it".

TBH, I'd just nod and smile.

It seems like a lot of fuss over nothing. And honestly, your DD isn't even going to remember a passing conversation with her step-cousin she very rarely sees.

It sounds like the 4yo has more confusion about family set-ups than the 6yo.

It also seems like there's a lot of time and energy being given to this not-adopted-step-sister. You really don't need to give her any thought or energy.

Did she say "mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here" (it's "mummies" btw) or "mummies and daddies have babies and live together when they love each other"?

I know you only vaguely know what she said, but obviously there's a big difference between the 2, as the latter wrongly implies parents physically separated due to whatever circumstances don't love each other.

I thought it was really sweet when I read it and it made me smile - the innocence of her line. Also, the other parents are the ones who need to educate their child. Your child just spouted out what she knows to be her truth and she is 6 FFS.

They should be thankful she didn't give a more complete answer like "well, you see, my daddy isn't a career criminal".

The problem is that the four year old has a less desirable home setup because of her mother's choices in having children with a man who is in prison more often than not. Criticising the words of a six year old isn't going to change that reality.

What are they going to expect of the families of kids the 4yo eventually goes to school with? Are those children and their siblings not allowed to describe their families, the fact that their mummies and daddies live together, for fear it offends this woman who has actively chosen to pursue a relationship with a career criminal? FFS.

I’d tell them they will have to suck it up as most of the world doesn’t revolve around a dad who is continually in prison. The 4yo’s mother needs to, well, deal with the consequences of her life decisions - ie, she will have to make her child know they are loved and that their family is not like others.

"Every family is different, same love, different set up. Some have 2 mummies, some have 2 daddies, some have just one and some have a mummy and a daddy. You need a man and a woman to make a baby, but how and where their family live depends on each family. You know so and so? They have one mum and live at their grandma's, sme love different set up. "
I'd go for that kind of approach
But I don't think you or your DD did anything wrong

Most kids tv and books involve a mummy and daddy loving each other and living with their kids Eg Peppa Pig so I’m surprised that the 4 year old isn’t familiar with that type of family.

I think that school will be a shock for the 4 year old as she’ll encounter more types of families.

I'd actually be pissed off with my Mother.

I might even suggest if your 6 year old can't talk about her home life, then may your Mum shouldn't bring this other child to your home.

Your child's normal is living with both parents.

I suspect what your DD said was

Mummies and daddies have babies when they love each other

We all live together

As separate statements

But the four year old has heard

Mummies and daddies have babies

When they love each other they live together

Which is very different.

The first two are very standard things to say. I think the four year old has misunderstood what your 6 year old said.

What your daughter said was completely fine and quite sweet. Frankly it is a bit ridiculous to blame a 6yr old for a situation entirely created by the bad choices of adults.

It isn't about correcting anyone it's about a bit if educating. It isn't hard to just talk to your dd about different families. It kind if feels like the adults are the ones upset in this scenario! You are put out because you feel your dd us being criticised and your mum as she feels her dd was upset. Maybe you should both just see this as a time to chat a bit more with your kids about different families.

Maybe I'll get shit for this but the difficult situation that this 4 year old is in with having a dad in and out of prison isn't your 6 year olds problem and I wouldn't be saying anything to them about this. They don't even see each other regularly.

Did the 4yo bring up the conversation to the adults as 'do my mummy and daddy not love each other because they don't live together?' or have the adults perceived it that way when the conversation was innocently mentioned?

I am struggling to see what you would correct your DD was talking about her life - we also don’t actually know what was said in their chat. As far as I can see she was saying in my house my mum and dad love each other, they had children, and I live with them both?! Thats factually correct?…… It appears she was answering the question in a way that made sense to a 6yo.

As long as she knows that this is not how all families are set up and that there are many ways to be a family - thats fine.

I also think the 4yo’s Mum needs to think about how to support her little one - she was being inquisitive about other family set up’s - perhaps there are things that can be discussed with her age appropriately that link to her home and family life.

Burdening young children with adult issues. Your daughter did nothing wrong. The adults asking you to speak with her should be ashamed.

Problem here is that none of the adults in this scenario believe for a moment the implications of 'all families are different', ie, equal but not the same. Obviously every adult involved believes your child's set up is better than the other child's. They are projecting this on to the children and assuming a tactless boasting on your child's part and an embarrassment and shame on the other child's. When in reality both are too young to realise that when adults say different, they don't mean equal. Your DD was being factual. The other child will not have felt bad, because if she is surrounded by families headed by a single woman she things that's the norm. Say nothing to your DD and move on. No harm has been done to the children and that's all that matters.

I would think it’s up to her parents to help her to understand about different families, not up to your dd!

@Biffbaff has it absolutely spot on.

The only people upset or offended by the children's conversation is the adults.

They are, at some point, going to have to deal with the 4 year old questions about her dad, when she gets older.

Instead of starting to explain this in an age appropriate way, they are choosing to take the easier way out and blame a 6 year old.

No way is that weird. She's relaying her family set up.

Yanbu. How was a 6 year old supposed to answer the question of why her mum and dad live in the same house?! It’s not your job to talk to your daughter, it’s their job to talk to the other little girl about families coming in different shapes and sizes.

Did the 4yo question if her father loved her? Because that is the only real upset I can see her taking from that conversation.

is your mother upset because she doesn’t really know how to lie when questioned directly on that issue? If the child’s father loved her, he would get his act together and stop ending up in prison. A 4yo isn’t ready to hear that level of honesty though. It’s not fair of your mother to expect other people, especially children, to lie though. She needs to get ahead of this and talk to her children at an age appropriate level about their father’s problems.

No the child asked why do you live with both your mummy and daddy

The dd said mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here

The answer she gave wasbt about her situation. Just families in general.

Anyway my parents were together when I was little and I'm with my teens dad now so it doesn't bother me either way.

The answer just sounded snobbish. The dd should learn that families are different and it could cause offence.